Sand Castle
by mypinkfairy
Summary: A journey of faith in the less traveled route, defying destiny, ending no where but in a crossroad. What would you do? -- Rated M for Language and everything MATURE, canon pairings, OOC at times.
1. Preface

**PREFACE**

**(SUMMARY DISCLAIMER AND AUTHOR'S NOTE) **

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This is a story about two people finding each other in the wrong side of the road, in a wrong polarity, in two different branching rivers. Find out how they try and manage their differences figuring out how to get to where they wanted, choosing from what's morally wrong to what is ethically right.

What would a person do to get what he/she wants? What are you willing to give up to get to where you wanted to be? What would you do to prove that something's need to be experienced just to be able to move on?

What is love's greatest price?

A note to you my lovely readers: This is a story with a sensitive plot, some of you might feel offended by it, feel free to click away as the story reveals itself, I know it will hurt but I'll be fine. This is not necessarily true, but it was as true as it was a fiction, if you know what I mean. My apologies in advance if it in anyway resembles your life story or someone you know. No offense meant.

As usual, this is rated M, for language and its theme, so if you are not old enough for smuts and sex bluffs, please go somewhere else.

But;

If you are old enough body and soul, let's journey together,

And it would be effing awesome if you'd add me on your alerts.

But if you find this story unsettling for you, don't give up on me yet, click my profile and choose one of my stories and who knows you might find something that would suit your taste.

And if you're a hater, you are welcome to bash on my story anytime, I would admit I have freaking heaping errors in this, having no one to beta my work (yeah that's a good excuse), but if it was about my story, come on…write your own and show me what ya got.

The ownership of the characters, Edward 'fucking' Cullen, and Bella 'freaking' Swan, along with the infrequent show ups of Jasper, Alice, Jacob, Emmett, Rosalie, Charlie and his wife, and the mention of some of the vampires and werewolves and Carlisle and his wife; and the other 'humans' from Forks High was all of Stephenie Meyer, only the story is mine, and the location, and even Edward's huge black car is mine--fine the Volvo is SM's too.

**ENJOY! AND DON'T FRIGGIN' FORGET, HIT ME WITH YOUR BEST SHOT!**

This is for the pretty mother of

Ian and little Jas.

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**Now keep on clicking next…**


	2. Chapter 1 The Angel in Disguise

**1 – THE ANGEL IN DISGUISE**

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**EDWARD**

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_Oh it's hot in here. Where am I? Is this hell? Am I in hell?_ This must be hell. I deserve to be in hell, after what I've done, I'm sure I won't even have the chance to see the gates of heaven. _But how did I die? When did I die?_ I pressed my eyes shut, trying so hard to wring my brain of any memory I have, but I couldn't find any.

Sweat beaded out and trickled down my skin, I could feel my scalp soaked in it as it rushes down on my forehead down to my whole face. My hair stuck together into a trail of bronze pipe dripping the sweat. Opening my eyes, blur hampered my sight caused by the heat emanating from inside my lids; I could almost feel the pulse each of my eyeballs made. My fingers were buttered with sweat when I wiped my face. I tried to walk, and a wave of nausea made me clutch the back of the well-varnished chair just within my reach. A few deep breaths steadied me while I oriented my eyes on the snaking line patterns on the shiny white marbled floor.

When I finally pulled my head, my eyes were greeted with numerous religious ornaments and embellishments surrounding me. Gold, red and green were everywhere. Bright white lights made the room so much bigger than it already is. The marble floor reflects the light, bouncing in every corner. There was a breeze coming from somewhere hitting faintly in my face, enough to send shivers in my spine. The air smelled of perfume and something else, candle and a strong scent that snakes inside my nostrils.

I felt a lump choking me; my breath couldn't come out properly out my lungs. I slowly turned around, but where ever I turn my sight, huge statues of angels and saints were everywhere, and they were all looking at me, with those big and speaking eyes, but with such fervor that I felt the need to jolt from where I was standing and began walking fast away from them.

But they were everywhere; their hands were stretched and all trying to get a grip on me. Their faces come distorted to me when they go near; their keen eyes cast a question that I couldn't fathom what. Cherubs fluttered their little wings, sounding like thousand of chicken flapping their wings together, all at the same time. I am almost running, trying helplessly to get to the huge brown door at the far end of the hall; that seemed so far and seemed to be getting farther and farther each step I made.

A loud gasp came out of my mouth when an angel lowered his sword instantly when I passed by him, still frantically trying to get to the large retreating door. I slipped on the marble floor; the sound of the skidding heels of my black shoes echoed the four corners of the huge room followed by a loud thud made by my hips when it hit the floor. A loud whoosh of hush voices sent shivers on my spine, my eyes focused on the images above me, different faces, ancient faces, lifeless, cheerless and almost colorless. That's when I realized I was looking at the ceiling, painted in different religious ornaments, saints, angels, demons, flowers, God and Satan.

I reluctantly tore my eyes away from admiring the paintings when someone suddenly came into view right in front of me. The angel, who, just a few second ago halted me with the tip of his sword, he was looking at me, his eyes bore a sign of disappointment, sadness and probably anger. His wings tucked behind him were huge, for a moment I wondered how big it would be if he opened and flapped it.

He lifted his sword, both hand gripping the handle, the tip pointed toward me. His light blue cloak swayed behind him like it was being fanned by a strong wind, his satin red tunic-like dress hugging the front of his body, his muscles visible, flexed. For a moment I got lost in a reverie. I realized I knew the angel, Michael the Archangel, the head of God's army of angels, the angel who in so many paintings and statues stand on top of Satan depicting triumph of good versus evil. _But why is he so angry with me? What have I done to deserve such anger he has for Satan?_

My breath skipped when my eyes caught a glimmer on the blade struck by the fluorescent's light, it was coming down on me, right straight to my heart. The image of Satan with the Archangel on top of him taunted me, making me shudder in fear. It seemed the world paused or moved in slow motion, I don't know. I could see his veins pulsing both on his neck and his arms like a snake trapped inside his skin, as he forced himself of all his strength to stab me of his sword, his mouth gaping, his eyes burning with fieriness.

I wanted to scream, but all that came out of my opened mouth was a sharp intake of air, a sort of impulsive thing to do when you're about to go to a deep water. A few inches to my chest, the undeniably sharp sword could have plunged and put a hole in my heart, if not from a sudden yank of an arm on my wrist, causing me to slide on the slippery clean marble floor.

I opened my eyes, unaware I have pressed them tight when I felt the hard tug against my wrist. At first all I could see was a faint and blurred face magnified distortedly in front of my own face. Tears and sweat had pooled on my eyelids, I could almost taste them, salty. I absently wiped my eyes with my sweat dribbling palm, feeling it slither first on the floor like some slug pooled on its own saliva.

"Are you alright?" I heard a voice asked echoing like a voice of a person talking inside a huge jar; I cocked my head on my side hastily figuring who said those words, but I didn't see anyone near but the one in front of me. Realizing it came from the person who in my hurried senses I noticed was wearing an all white long dress, with eyes fluttering in bewilderment.

I hurried to stand up fearing another angel was set to kill me. I felt a hard grip on my forearm, and a light shake. I pressed my eyes shut harder this time, I could almost see my face scrunched, waiting for my death to come, but all I heard was a deafening sound of a single bell, roaring somewhere overhead. _Did I die? Was that the sound of death?_

And then I heard someone voiced out again, "It's your turn Edward."

I knew that voice. Confused, I opened my eyes and stared on a set of blue eyes, fluttering in perplexity, and then I realized, I have been staring all those times into the eyes of my best friend, "Jasper?" I whispered, almost inaudible. He fluttered his eyes again along with an almost unnoticeable small shake of his head. His face was screwed with a scowl.

The bell rang again, deafening. He motioned his hand for me to stay seated, throwing me his handkerchief that landed right on my opened palms shimmering in sweat resting motionless on top of my lap. I took a moment to close my eyes and drown my senses of what is really happening around me. As I open it, taking as much air my chest could accommodate to calm myself, I wiped my face off of sweat, soaking Jasper's dark green hanky, almost gagging from the strong scent of the perfume sprayed on it.

The white lights were all turned on; casting a strong sense of daylight, sunlight…but it was cold in here, I could almost hear the hum of the split type air conditioners alternated in each side of the wall, not to mention the blow of the industrial electric fan hitting my shuddering body. Beads of sweat still trickled on my face, catching it with the already well oiled hanky; I followed the source of the warm air that was hitting my face. A little directly on the other side of my seat was a huge door, opened. I could see people walking to and fro in what looked like a basket ball court, with the net goal silently being swayed by the invisible wind. But that wasn't what I was looking at, the afternoon sun was glaring at me through the tin roof, bouncing an immense amount of blinding light, directly hitting between my eyes. I inwardly groaned, fixing my eyes on Jasper who was walking back to our seat; with his eyes down, probably watching his steps, his palms pressed together in front of him.

I heard him sigh when he sat beside me, his eyes looking in the void directly at him. "What's wrong with you?" He muttered low, his lips didn't even tell a sign that he talked. His face was expressionless and if not for the twitching of his fingers twined together in his lap, I wouldn't notice he was agitated.

"Nothing…" I mumbled sounding like I just came from a deep slumber with a raspy voice, "I--uh…I fell asleep." I added, admitting the very obvious reason. I sniffled, squinching my eyes, rolling them inside its lids, trying to wake my seemingly dormant senses.

He scowled, looking tentatively on me without moving his head toward me. "You fell asleep? How can you fall asleep in times like these?" his voice muffled from clenched jaws.

I loudly exhaled. I really wouldn't want to have an argument with him right this moment, not just because it wasn't possible to have a rich and sensible argument where we were, but because I myself was perplexed with my dream and the fact that I fell asleep in a very unlikely time and place. "It's the warm air and the cold, combined. You know me." I reasoned instead, my head made up not to talk further. He huffed, his annoyance obvious on his furrowed brows.

Dropping the matter, I instead ran my eyes around me. I couldn't help scrunched my lips when I saw the archangel I was dreaming about a while ago, St. Michael the Archangel, his statue standing in the right side in front of me across the hall. I could still see the fierce hidden on his eyes as he pointed his sword on Satan, lying scared and defeated on his feet. Fluttering my eyes, I couldn't help feel the shivers running on my spine, thinking about my dream getting stabbed by the commander of all angels. My eyes fixed on his face, silently talking to him, partially admitting I probably deserve being punished like the devil.

My eyes flicked when out of the corner of my vision I saw a smile seemingly floated in the void like a bright light. I hastened to focus on the face of the person with the smile so pretty I wasn't able to deny it even from just my periphery. My heart skipped a beat; I felt the world stopped, once again. I could suddenly see dust motes floating freely in the air, faces around me froze and for a moment it felt like there was no one else alive but me…and the girl with dark eyes looking blankly in the space between me and her, with a naughty smile playing subtly on her shimmered lips.

I know that smile.

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A/N

Oh hi there pretty ladies! I am back with a new 'crap'. Thanks for taking time to read it, and I hope I caught your attention, enough to give you a spark to read on with the future chapters.

Your reviews will be greatly appreciated and I'll be forever grateful that you took time to travel with me with yet another journey.

Visit my profile for the list of the other stories I have written, you might find something that might suit you. A little note though, they were all rated-M, so don't even go there if you're suited only for YA stories.

Ciao! (No, I am not Italian, it just sounded nice...Hello though to all Italians! I would love to see Italy---err, where am I going with this...)

xoxo

~mypinkfairy

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**NOTA BENE**

For disclaimer and author's basic note, please see PREFACE in the first page. Thank you.


	3. Chapter 2 Sweet Scent of Your Sweat

**2 – SWEET SCENT OF YOUR SWEAT**

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**BELLA

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A typical afternoon after the mass we attended in the church where we sing in the choir was a non-stop chat with three of my friends from high school, the three-storey brick building adjacent to the almost ancient yet recently renovated town church. We were walking toward the little store to pick up our snack before we head to the little strip of paved sort of bridge made to hamper the waves of the sea, we call seawall, just a few meters behind the old church, our hang out.

My friends, Jessica and Angela were talking non-stop beside me, Jessica's usual laughter so enticing making me want to laugh with her, while Angela was giggling, mischievously sounding almost wanting to hide her face on her palms. I wonder what they are talking about now that merit such joyous trance around them.

Jessica and Angela were my classmates since kindergarten. We never get to be close until we entered high school, where we have shared almost every extra curricular activities together, from lame science club to choir singing to dance troupe, and the more recent and last organization we joined, yearbook committee. Jessica is the loudest of us three, though one could rarely point that out, her being selectively bubbly, like only when the moment called for, and almost always, she's silent inside the classroom. She has a boyfriend, a lot older than us, who was just like her, unpredictable in terms of silliness. Angela, on the other hand is a person on her blooming age, yet trapped in a body of an old-maid; you could say it like that. Rarely could anyone see her wearing what other girls our age wear. There is either a major event or she's going swimming if you see her baring her arms for everyone to see. She usually wears sleeved clothes, three-fourths or the more inappropriate, long-sleeves. She is uber-smart and would always find a way to challenge your intellectual capability.

But putting aside our differences, we managed to click together, spending almost every free hours with each other, talking about senseless stuff like politics and celebrity gossips. It's doesn't always happen that we clashed with each other's nerve, but when we do, it didn't take so long to patch things up and start again.

And this is the friendship I have learned to live with for a long time now, and I was about to leave it behind. A sharp pang hit my stomach as I silently watched the two of them bicker on what chips are we going to bring in yet another gossip session we're about to embark. I will miss these two, I couldn't think of finding another soul as flawed as them yet so beautiful their imperfections seemed to be unimportant.

I walked silently, now sandwiched between the two of them, avoiding the constant motioning of their hands. They were talking animatedly about the latest adventure of Jessica and her boyfriend in the forest a few miles away from our village. I couldn't help smile on the sound of their excitement as Jessica started to recount every step they made, and I had a feeling, just like the usual, she's going to share every thing that happened behind the shades of the woods. _This is gonna be painful._

When we finally arrived in our usual spot, I knew Jessica was about to open yet the juiciest part of her story, as obvious on the hilarious and nauseating giggles that came from Angela. _Fuck me, here we go. _I drowned my auditory senses with the sound of the chips crackling on my jaw as I slowly munched them, hoping the moment would end without me hearing her story. I mean, I am grateful she trusted us with the most intimate parts of her life, I just didn't think it was necessarily to put it in precise words that perfectly describe the scenes in vivid colors--gruesome, I should say.

But the chips' sound are fading; and my jaws were beginning to get tired doing extra effort to grind it, yet still images of Jessica on top of her boyfriend riding him on top of a dead log in the middle of nowhere penetrated my brain, I had to shrug it off. My fucking friend seemed so happy. I sighed, fixing my eyes on the space between the two of them, their faces blurring like passing objects.

A light wind breezed behind me, ruffling my hair slightly covering my face. The scent of the air coming from the sea, the waves curling and then smashing the tiny rocks in the foot of the wall sent me somewhere in a scene of my own life, one of those scenes that have been plaguing my waking hours for such a long time now. Suddenly I was sitting on the steps of our school's stage outside the gated school building, situated in the middle of the quadrangle with basketball goal in each side. Mike was clutching the sides of his face as if covering his ears avoiding the words that I was saying.

Mike has been my boyfriend for a long time, three years, practically married as Angela often joked. He was from the other school, in the other side of the street, three blocks away from our campus. He is a typical boy next door thing, tall and slender, dreamy eyes, sweet-tongued, captain of his school's ball team, cool and most of all well-known. Three years ago, I was just a normal girl, with normal adolescent's problems, but everything went complicated and harder for me to handle when I met him. Mike is the son of the wealthiest person alive, well, in our town of a few thousands population that is. He is the son of the mayor, and being one, complications and expectations riddled his family name.

That night, the rain was pouring hard, only the tin roof extending overhead the paved ceiling of the stage was protecting us from getting completely soaked. I just came from a Bible study in the chapel beside the old church, just behind the huge stage. I phoned him to meet me, citing 'I need to talk to you about a very important thing'. He came only a few minutes, his house being only a few blocks away, his curly hair glittered from then drizzling.

_"Hey Sweet…why aren't you home yet, it's eleven o'clock. Mom's already having a long chat with Dad in our living room about something you've tackled in this…Bible talk thing." _He muttered after he jumped out of his bike, waving his fingers in the air trying to find the right words.

_"Study." _I muttered, not looking at him, _"the thing is called Bible study."_

He must have figured I was in no mood to talk fancy on him with my tone because he lowered his head near mine, trying to have a look on my face hidden on the shadows of the dark and the curtain of my hair. _"Are you okay?" _He inquired, tucking the stray locks of hair in my ear.

I must have gasped, _"Hey!"_ He tensed, cupping my chin immediately to have a look on me. "_Why are you crying? What happened to you? Are you okay?"_ Mike's eyes twinkled from the faint light coming from a distant garden light lined up in the gated campus a few meters from where we're sitting.

_"Calm down, nothing has happened to me."_ I immediately said with a raspy voice pulling my face free from his hand, my tears falling on his hand.

_"Why are you crying?!"_ He angrily asked croaking.

_"I am breaking up with you."_ I said, not taking a breath to pause despite the breathless feeling I have in my chest like it has a huge brick block on top of it.

_"Wh-?! Why? What the hell have I done?!"_

_"Nothing."_

_"So why are you breaking up with me?!"_

He was hysterical, standing in front of me, the already pouring hard rain drenching his hair and his clothes. If not for the sound of rain, everyone sleeping in their homes could have heard him yelling.

_"Calm down Mike." _ I sobbed pulling his hand, trying to keep him away from the rain's way.

_"You don't love me anymore?"_ Asked Mike suddenly lowering his face in eye-level; I couldn't tell if the moisture in his face was from the rain or his tears.

I lowered my face, turning my head away, I couldn't even look straightly in his eyes, it breaks my heart so much that I was trying to break the tie that has been keeping us together. But he was quick to hold the side of my face, forcing me to look straightly on him.

_"I love you, but we're not meant for each other." _I said grimly.

He dropped his hand turning his body hastily around, "_I can't believe this!"_ He screamed, letting the rain drops fall on his face, _"this again?"_ He scowled, fuming with his anger.

But I couldn't answer anymore, because he's right, _this again, _we've been over it many times and yet, it plagued us over and over again, like a damn leopard lurking in the shadows of the night waiting for the right moment to ambush. This time, I made up my mind. No amount of flowers, letters or calls could make me change mind. A few more days and the school is over, I am graduating and won't be spending anymore time in our place. The school I have chosen is far from our place, I could start over again.

About and hour ago, a few minutes after our tiny group has been dismissed by Fr. Greene, a ivory arm with long red-painted nails snaked on my shoulder. Her perfume reeked expensive. _"Can I talk to you for a moment, Bella?"_ Mrs. Newton murmured dragging me in a corner. She took a few moments raising her well maintained fingers to wave good bye to the others. Her words did not surprise me. I knew when I started dating Mike that a moment like this will come. She doesn't like me. But that isn't because I am no good for Mike, something rooted deeper than a pathetic young love. It's a fucking family feud thing. The thing that everyone who knows me have been trying to make me understand from the very start.

But still her words, _"You are no good for my son, leave him alone." _As precise and concise as those few words stabbed me like hell. But what could I do, my relationship with Mike, no matter how beautiful it is could not prosper, this fear behind our back stalking us wherever we go will always be there like a spider weaving its web that whatever you do will always come back unless you kill the spider.

And so, I wanted the spider dead. But it fucking hurt.

I felt so weak when Mike started walking toward his bike, unmindful of the pouring rain. _"Mike." _ I yelled walking behind him, trying to make him understand what I was trying to do, hopelessly trying to make our break-up as pleasant as possible. But he was off before I could even get near him, blindingly pedaling his bike away from me. I followed running behind him, but he was gone in just a blink of my eyes, disappearing on the thick blanket of rain drops, there was no one around but me, nothing to hear but the splatter of raindrops on the paved quadrangle hiding the sound of my sobs.

"Bella?"

I felt like a snap of a finger had brought me back from my reverie, realizing I have been staring blankly on the horizon, blurred from the tears that had pooled on both my eyelids. "Are you okay?" Jessica's face came into view, blurred too, making me flutter my eyes causing the tears to trail down my cheeks. The warm moisture felt like a knife slicing my face.

I felt Angela's hand rubbed my shoulder, finding both their faces changed from utter excitement to worry made me wail. For a moment, the sound of the waves crashing on the paved bridge and the whoosh of the air were all I could hear, drowning my silent anguish as I let the tears flow on my cheeks dripping on both Angela and Jessica's hands which were both holding me in each of my arms.

When I have gathered myself, all I could do was shrug and give out a tiny smile conveying my gratitude on their support and understanding of my silence. I rarely speak to them of the things that were going on in my life, I have told them that I broke up with Mike the day after it happened, they flocked to my house bringing all my favorite food to appease me, but they never asked for the reason because they already know the reason, they have been warning me since.

"I'll be okay." I muttered, trying to sound funny.

They smiled back, but I know I didn't fool them. After all it has been three months, and it's almost fall, start of the next school year, yet I was still crying every time I remember that rainy night, the last time I saw him.

"Come on…I'm just sad, I'll be missing both of you." I huffed, smiling widely to keep the air off of the real thing that was hurting me. But I was partly telling the truth. I am going to miss both of them. After so long of spending almost every time with them, I have been undeniably attached to Angela and Jessica, drawing inspiration and guts from both them. They are the ones who always pick me up whenever I fall, always there to clean up the mess I left. We always were with each other. And it makes me sad and afraid that I will never find someone who I could let to be part of my life again.

Jessica laughed, softly this time, gently pushing me by my shoulder. "It's not like we won't see each other again."

"Yeah, we'll always come back were we started…here. Nothing will change." Added Angela, hugging her legs, her chin on her knees, her straight long hair flying on her side from the blowing wind.

The sun had set, only the orange and pink streak in the horizon lighting the sky, yet the subtle light didn't hide the equal sadness painted in each of their faces. "Yeah…" I sighed, "yeah."

We made our way back, careful not to stab our toes on the rocks that was scattered on the sandy road that lead out of the maze-like way, with bricked walls of houses in each side. The tiny road led out to the quadrangle of our school.

Walking behind them, I could not help feel the pins pricking my heart. Jessica and Angela have once again started talking non-stop, as they always do, but this time their voices seemed like distant humming of bees. I could not understand a word they say, or if I did, I could not stitch them together into one comprehensible sentence. Only their giggles and teasing was undeniable. I was still drowned on the mixed emotions I was having. And it wasn't just my far-fetched moving on from Mike's memories; or the guilt-some fact that I intend to be as far from our town as possible, not planning to come back in the near future; but most importantly the acidic memory of that one fucking night when I completely went out of my self, trying to drown the sadness I was swimming into.

As we walked passed the church, a group of teenagers, five to be exact were loudly talking to each other, teasing and plainly horsing around. With the look of them, they were clearly just had been done playing basketball. Aside from the ball one of them was tossing back and forth on his hand, all of them were soaking wet, their shirts hugged their bodies like leech sucking their blood.

Of course we stopped to watch them just as they stopped to greet us. Near now, I could recognize most of them, three of them was working in the church—Seth, the altar guy, Stefan the cook and Peter, the son of the church's parish secretary. Two of them was new to me, no, I think I recognize the other one, some distant face I could not put together.

"Jasper?" Angela muttered, as perplexed as I may have sound if I found the courage first to speak. Yes, it was Jasper, our school's student government president, back when I was in the elementary school.

A small smile crept on my face, remembering how everyone in our class tried to get his attention, to think we were just, kids, as in a child. I pulled my face down, realizing he must have remembered the same thing I was remembering, _this is humiliating. _

"Hey guys." I heard a voice cheerfully greeted. I just assumed it was Jasper, noting that I almost remembered that Stefan, Seth and Peter's voice didn't sound like that. My smile came up again, hiding it in my pursed lips, I couldn't help flutter my eyes with the sound of his voice, not the voice I remembered of him, then again that was almost a decade ago; now it was more…pronounced, still rings a bell like his younger voice but now, his age couldn't be hidden—mature, better. I inwardly chuckled, shoving the things already playing in my mind. The three of us have always been honest with each other with our preference with a much older guy, those with experience in life…whatever that means.

"I almost didn't recognize you." Jasper said chuckling, "You're all grown up!"

A giggle inadvertently came out of my pressed lips, I almost choked when I caught myself, and I bet if not for the low light coming from the town plaza's light, they could have noticed I was tomato red from embarrassment. My giggle is humiliating, that sort of naughty giggle that only comes out when someone was tickling you with their lips on your neck, that sort of giggle.

_Fuck. _I whispered, mentally smacking the back of my head.

"Whoa, you're…um…old." Jessica huffed; her voice was riddled with humor.

Laughter erupted, I saw Peter punched Jasper on his arm. My eyes might be stained with nearsightedness, and a very faint light was no help, but I could clearly see that Jasper might have grown old, but he certainly grown old nice…and sexy. His chest protruded on the white shirt soaked with sweat, his biceps showing from the sleeve of his shirt that was, I think, strategically pulled up to show off. But amidst his obvious bodily transformation into a full grown sexy man, the hint of his old habits remained. His hair, probably looked a little messy but the tell-tale sign that it was moments ago neatly combed was there, not to mention, I am sure the scent that lingered hanging in the air was from his perfume. Jasper has always been this clean, fresh looking face that brighten up the school corridors, I remembered.

"Come on ladies, I grew up…not old. Is this not what you wanted?" He chuckled, followed with another set of laughter, this time, with the high pitched sound of Jessica's and Angela's laughter.

I must have been late to laugh, because when I did, I heard a startled gasp that came from the other guy, beside Jasper, the other guy I forgot to check on. Teasing continued but I could not hear any of the words that has been spoken. My eyes wandered on the image of the guy, standing tall beside Jasper. His legs spread apart, like he had been supporting his body weight, my eyes ran on those hair on his legs, sticking on his skin from sweat, I couldn't help myself let my jaw hang open as I raked his body of my eyes. I needed to bite the inside of my lips seeing his shirt wet with sweat, like Jasper, hugging his chest, though his did not bear a sign of bulky chest, beneath those hugging shirt I could see no flab hanging. The wind blew again, the faint scent a while ago had become stronger, for a moment my head spun trying to remember the familiar scent. I was determined to break my gaze on the other guy's body hearing my girls started saying good bye, but then I threw one single glance on his face.

And then I froze.

His eyes were nailed on me, yet his face was contorted with some emotions I could not fathom, his lips slightly agape, his body rigid and unmoving even after Jasper tugged him away. It was hard for me to tear my gaze on him, but when I did, following Angela and Jessica walking ahead of me shamelessly uttering suggestive words about how sexy Jasper had become, a realization suddenly occurred to me. I spun around checking if they were still there, but they have disappeared, probably walked behind the huge wall in the turn of the road.

_I think I know him. _I whispered silently, walking faster to catch up with my girls, the eyes of the stranger vividly pictured in my mind.

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A/N

Thanks for the sweat lovelies! I hope you have a moment to tell me what ya think. :D

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**NOTA BENE**

For disclaimer and author's basic note, please see PREFACE in the first page. Thank you.


	4. Chapter 3 Confusing Flickering Lights

**3 - CONFUSING FLICKERING LIGHTS**

…Two weeks ago.

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BELLA**

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The moment I entered the crowded place, I felt a usual surge of panic that I feel whenever I am in a closed and packed place like this. I squinted, trying hard to see past the blurring dry-ice smoke and different strobe lights flashing blue, yellow, red and green lights in a sickening interval that made me felt like I was floating in the air. As careful as I usually am, I had to mentally note the location of all the signs that says exit.

I needed a moment to acquaint my poor eyesight on the rhythm of the surroundings before I took a deep breath and proceeded. The air smelled like…fun, booze, laughter, sex, it was everywhere…seems like a lot of fun indeed, everyone seemed to be having fun. I snaked hardly finding a way across the bouncing teenagers in the beat of trance music, appropriate on the name of the club, club trance. I needed to concentrate deeply if I wanted to make it through the wild crowd without tripping on these stilettos that I grudgingly accepted to wear, courtesy of my mother. "Bella! You are not going to the club wearing those ugly platforms! Why don't you use those simple stilettos that you use on your graduation?" "Yeah Mom, simple…they made my night a fucking hell…" I answered her with rolling eyes readying myself to leave. "No Darling, those look better on you than what you're wearing…Trust me. And mind your language young lady, those words don't belong to the lips of a girl who work in the church like you" answered Mom with non-stop shaking of her head, as if her words aren't enough to tell me my platform shoes suck.

So I use these shoes, damn it, the straps are already burning my skin. "Motherfucking shoes. I should have listened to Jessica to rub a candle wax on the straps before I used them." I mumbled in a restrained breath as I passed two teen-agers dancing while they were shouting on each other's face.

Finally, I reached the end of the dance floor. I scanned the darkened tables for my friends and immediately walked toward the far corner when I saw them. They must have been drunk already. They looked like they were having a good time, Jessica already throwing her head back as she let out her usual infectious guffaw.

"Hey Biatch! What the hell happened to you? You should have been here forty-five minutes ago…" Angela immediately noticed me as I made my way scrabbling my way with other teen-agers getting out of their table. She gave me a loose hug.

I pinched Jessica's exposed back to convey my greetings as she just tapped my ass, busy loudly talking to the guy in the other table. "I had a major shoe fight with my mother." I said lowering my head onto Angela's face, cocking my eyebrow to silently ask her of who Jessica was talking to. "Some guy…I don't know." mouthed Angela giving me a bottle of beer.

Just shrugging my bare shoulders, I thought Jessica must be having fun talking to this guy who actually have some friends in his table but…chose to just immersed himself talking to our friend rather than introducing us to his group, so we can have a…talk mate too. Yeah that goes too with Jessica. I sighed choking on the beer that I just gulped. Oh well, I guess Angela and I are stuck with each other.

It's not always that Jessica comes out of her shell. She used to be a timid almost always speechless, sort of conservative girl in school. I guess it was only me and Angela who knew her better with all her kinky stories and tear jerker jokes and laughter and of course her, well, middle-aged boyfriend, as we use to call Riley.

But tonight, celebrating the last weekend of the summer after graduation, well I guess she deserved to come out of her hiding place, again. "I will miss you girl…" shouted Angela, tapping my bottle of beer with hers, trying so hard to let her soft voice get past the hullabaloo around us. "It's a shame you don't want to stay in a single gender university." Propping my elbow in the table, I teased her before I took another big gulp on my bottle. "Oh you know me, I am so fucking afraid of being a lesbian with all those girls running around. I already have you and Jessica since pre-kindergarten, let me have a normal life with boys in it…" chuckled Angela licking her lips first before putting it in the lips of the bottle with a naughty smile on her tiny green eyes.

I could not help feel a tiny prick in my heart. Yes, for the first time since I started schooling some fifteen years ago, I will be starting a new school life without Jessica and Angela. We have been classmates since pre-KG, we might not be friends before, but living in a village like ours, same school, same church, same summer past time, I felt like I will be turning my back on something that I have known all my life. "Hey don't worry, we'll see each other every summer." assured Angela, probably sensing the discomfort that suddenly jabbed me. "Easy for you to say girl, you and Jessica will be together, fishing for more boys…" I chuckled.

Angela suddenly stood up and then tugged me to the dance floor. A moment after fighting our way to the dance floor through the crowd seemingly sticking with each other, elbow to elbow, Angela and I were finally dancing. The beat of the trance music flowed effortlessly on our bodies, we moved swiftly, bouncing grinding waving our hands, swaying our hips. We have always been good dancers. That's what you learn for being in the school productions most of your school times. Something I know I will be able to use until I have made my way to where I wanted to be.

About four long music after, my face was teaming off of sweat. My clothes hugged my stomach from sweat. My chest covered only with the brown tube was dripping with sweat too, not to mention my back. It's a good thing I decided to put my hair up tonight, because if not, I would be fucking pissed off with it sticking everywhere in my skin.

I tugged Angela back to our table, which she reluctantly followed, frowning on me and smiling apologetically on the guy that was trying to hit on her, bumping her every time, _pathetic, to think he has a date already, fucking dancing beside him…Damn dogs! _I screamed inwardly, smiling on how angry I could have sound if I voiced it out.

We started drinking again, talking senseless topics, which I found myself giggling like a little girl, for the first time after three months. I so fucking needed breathers like this. After what felt like forever, my body felt so heated. I could feel the whoosh of air on my bare back as groups of people kept on walking back and forth for the dance floor, and that included Jessica and her new found friend, again, for like the hundredth time. I wonder what Riley would say about this if he got the news that her 'divine' girlfriend is frolicking with other man. Then again, at this very moment, Riley must be having his own 'me-time'.

My conversation with Angela became dizzying every minute, I don't know if it was the power of the alcohol; the swirling lights all over us; the fucking lame conversation about our boyfriends or the combination of all. I was beginning to feel sick.

"Girl…" she raised an eyebrow, leaning her head toward me, "Okay…don't look, in front of me, in the corner near the wall…Oh fuck Bella…Shit don't look!" Angela squealed widening her eyes on me as if I could notice it in the flickering lights had it not for her pulling my arm. I laughed hard on how embarrassed her face looked, my side hurt. "Okay…" I propped my right on to cover my face, looking solely on her.

"There's a guy there, I think he's interested on you." Whispered Angela, her breath smelling like some odd perfume and warm from the cigarette that she just blew directly on my face. A smile crept into my lips, and I think my eyes just twinkled. I casually turned my body on the direction that Angela pointed, faking dropping my purse first before I turned my eyes to look at the stranger on the other table.

"Damn." I muttered under my breath. This is one of those moments I wished I was wearing my eyeglasses. My eyes strained on the smoke and moist, not to mention the hovering strobes to see past the darkness that hid the face of the stranger, which, judging by how his perfectly relaxed lips lingered on his stubbly chin, he looked pretty…I guess. It must have been minutes that I have been looking at him, trying to get lucky that he'd move so I can see his face, but he remained hidden, occasionally getting a gulp on the bottle of his beer.

Angela elbowed me, "You don't need to stare…" she chuckled, ducking her face, inches to mine. And then she straighten up, smoothing the pleated part of her silver sequined dress, putting her hand inside to cup up her boobs on the plunging neckline. "Come on." She tugged my hand, "let's dance again, I'm getting drunk."

I hesitated, feeling the sore the motherfucking faux leather straps of my sandals cursing my feet. "Alright…" I rose defeated; realizing that I'd probably looked like a total idiot if I'd stay alone in the table while she dances.

I felt the world swayed when I stood up, the swirling lights around me felt like lulling me, now I really felt like I was flying. I never realized I must have drunk a dozen beers, feeling really dizzy and sick. Angela caught my hips pushing me forward and started bouncing even before we reached the center of the dance floor, passing through everyone who seemed to be unmindful that we were like crashing into every one of them.

We began raking our body to the tune of the trance music that never seemed to stop. Angela was waving her arms in the air with all the energy in her body. I, on the other hand felt so exhausted, I needed not to bounce anymore because just looking around me, I felt I was already jumping in ecstasy, hyper. I tried to find Jessica who had been in the dance floor for so long but all my eyes caught were the shadow of the sexily pouting lips in the corner where we were sitting a while ago. I wanted to fixed my eyes on him, seeing that he was shuffling on his seat, but the sensation of the ear splitting loud booming of the music was making me really nauseated.

I think I am gonna get sick. I felt so suffocated. I turned to Angela, who, probably because of my inattentiveness in dancing, found a partner in dancing, again, and now grinding herself on a guy with a weird spiky hair. I let out a chest full of air, tentatively closing my eyes. Gravity is playing with me. I think the world is spinning.

My eyes darted on the toilet, finding it in the corner near the exit, I weaved my way on the sea of energetic teens earning me all curses and names as I hastily half run toward it. I think I am going to die. These fucking flickering lights are shredding my sanity. When I saw the sign of the toilet I pushed the door running toward the sink to puke. I think I have puked my intestines, but, I could still feel a wave of gag coming.

I probably have been vomiting the whole night. I have no idea how long I have been in the toilet, my knees were so weak to stand, it kept on bobbing every time I start vomiting again. I was actually wondering why the hell the sink felt so low, I needed to crouch ungodly low just so as not to stain my clothes with my puke. I gave up, and just knelt down, resting my head on the base of the sink.

I heard footfalls coming inside the toilet, but I didn't flinch, I was in my happy place, my eyes were closed, trying to defy gravity. When I heard someone cleared his throat. My mind suddenly recoiled, it was a deep voice. I tried opening my eyes, but all I could see were swirling lights and tunnel like image. "Why are you here?" I tried to say it normally, but I think I heard it came out slurred, with only the letter r sounding right. "Are you okay?" the voice asked, his face seemed to be so near mine, but again when I opened my eyes to check, all I could see was a blurred spinning image, filled with those abstract swirls and jagged lines.

I felt a tug in my arm, pulling me up. "Here, let me help you." He offered. I clutched my hand on the basin trying not to depend on his strength but I almost slipped when my knees gave up. His clutch on my arm became harder, this time, both my arms. I heard him chuckle. "If I were you, I wouldn't be touching that thing." The voice muttered, so loud, I was thinking either he's inside my ear or inside my head. I fluttered my eyes, trying to keep my head from lolling back. "What is it?" I asked, wondering secondly if he even understood my slurred speech.

But he did, "you puked on a urinal…" he answered, with a hidden chuckle in his voice. "What?" I cried restlessly. I felt so weak. I turned around to look at the face of the man behind me but all I could see was the same circular swiveling image that was probably caused by the blinding stupid strobes outside the toilet. "You are aware you are in the men's toilet? Are you not?" asked the man, his voice sounded so sweet; I could feel his hand on my arm.

I opened my mouth to ask again, perplexed that I was in the men's toilet but then again the nausea hit and I felt it coming out again, but he pulled me away from the urinal instead lead me to what felt like the center of a tiny room, sink, I just guessed from the sound and the feel of the water running on it as I poured another batch of the fucking beer I took.

"You seemed to have had a lot of fun tonight." Mused the stranger, his voice now sounded to be of distance from me. I caught the pouring water and wet my hands splashing it on my face. I felt the cold water dripped down to my neck, calming me from what I felt a burning fire in my body. After a few moments, I opened my eyes, seeing a pair of black sneakers on the floor standing next to me.

"Are you feeling much better?" he asked, again his voice tickled my fancy, like an angel whispering low. I turned and looked up, half expecting to see an angel with a face beaming on me, and wings that spread so wide it could wrap me whole. His face was beaming alright, but there were no wings, and it wasn't an angel. He could have looked like a hot angel, with those sculptured cheeks and jaws, which highlighted his beaming smile. But there was something on him that I could not fathom. I seem to not to see his face, his whole face. I almost cursed my drunkenness aloud. It was making me see bits of him, not his whole face. Its like if I look on his eyes, it was fluttering, the kind of dreamy and beseeching for something, but the moment I looked down on his lips, the trance his lips gave make me forget how his eyes looked, like I couldn't stitch his whole face together to form a whole image.

I must have been staring idiotically on him because not a second later, he asked, "Are you alright?" clearing his throat afterward. "I need water…" is all I could say, stuttering, feeling the heat creeping on my face. "Okay, let me help you outside." He offered.

I walked with him beside me, feeling his elbow brushed mine like electricity running on my skin. The chaos outside the toilet made me step back like a sudden whip of hard wind. "Can you cross the dance floor to your friends?" He said catching me on the small of my back. I hesitated answering wondering first how he knew I was with friends, but then again I thought, of course he must have figured out I wont come here alone. "No, I think I had enough booze, I am going home." "You stay here; I'll get water for you in the counter." He immediately said, holding my arm in place, like a silent warning for me not to leave. I even saw him on the wave of dancing people checking me if I moved or not.

After a little less than a minute, he came back, half running, toying the bottled water in his hand as he escorted me outside. I felt relieved as the cool air hit my face the moment we stepped out of the club, leaving the loud music echoing behind us. The sigh I gave out must have been so loud that he chuckled as he passed me the water. I did not think twice and hastily plunged my mouth on the lip of the bottle drinking everything my breath could accommodate. "No." he softly murmured, but it was too late, the feel of the water dropping on my still sensitive stomach made it churn and soon I was hurdling another batch of puke in the side of the club. _This is so humiliating_. I sullenly thought. I won't be surprised if this angel will just disappear from getting turned off.

But he was still there, letting me clutch on his arm when I straightened up and bobbed a bit. "Um…" he cleared his throat, "my car is…just there in the curb…" he trailed, I sensed he was hesitating, clearing his throat once more, "you may want to cool down first before you can drive home." I steadied myself, clutching my very sore stomach, "I actually went here through a cab." I answered wincing as I caught the taste of my mouth. I borrowed the water he tentatively held and rinsed my mouth. "Nonetheless, it's not safe for you to go home in this…um…" he trailed, motioning his hand up and down. I could not see his expression, blinded by the strong street light behind him, I could only make out the shadow of his face, and by the sound of his voice he was definitely smiling. I muttered "wasted", chuckling, finishing his sentence. "Yeah." He said with an arresting voice.

He walked leading to the car parked in the curb under the shadow of a large leafy tree holding back each step to check on me. At first, I was hesitant to walk further nearer his car, some part of me warned me that what I am about to do is not very wise, considering my drunken state, but a little part of me was telling me to proceed and trust the stranger who offered me the comfort of his car, other than wait outside the club and risk a gang rape. _Oh you'll be damned Bella, _I silently murmured and entered the passenger side with the angelic stranger holding the door for me.

He turned on the engine and put the air condition in full swing. I felt a wave of bliss hit me as I lay back my head on the soft cushion of the seat, I tentatively closed my eyes working on calming my nerves that had suddenly surged up so high when I entered the car. This is not the first time I have talked to a male stranger, but this is the first time though that I have rode a stranger's car. My mind said a little prayer to my guardian angel, _Angel of God, my guardian de--_…Before I could proceed; my silence was broken by his soft voice.

"What is the celebration?" he asked. I opened my eyes, fluttering it in confusion that I might have already fallen asleep. "Um…" I shuffled for words, "My friends and I were having a last hurrah for the summer." I casually said, ducking my head pretty fast to rub my feet, causing my balance to swirl, _damn equilibrium, _I mumbled under my breath, banging my head on the headrest. "What is it?" he asked, concern laced in his voice. I sighed, putting my hand on my head, "my feet hurt", I answered exaggerating by pouting my lips.

He chuckled, his muffled laughter sounded like reverberating soft musical instrument, _I am losing my mind, _I felt his hand came in contact with my skin, making me cringe from resting my head in the headrest. "Sorry…" he gutturally said, "give me your feet." I have no idea why I felt so comfortable and trusting with this beautiful angel, not a second later, he was holding my foot, freeing it from the death chamber of a shoe that I was wearing. But that's not it, after he had slid out one foot from the sandals, he picked up my other foot, leaving my other foot resting on his lap. And then he began massaging them.

My eyes rolled up on my skull, I think. Feeling aroused by the way he touched and rubbed my feet, it didn't just calmed me, it fucking made me feeling hot in longing. I have not feel aroused like this for a long time, to think I have been an active participant in sex since I entered adulthood. And the fucking mellow music playing idly on the background isn't helping.

I could feel a whimper was about to come out of my mouth when the heel of his palm pressed on the middle of my sole. My muscles tensed. _Oh it felt so good_. And I was not able to keep the human instinct in me, deprived human instinct, and pulled myself up, clutching on his arm. I have no idea, but a second later, I was sitting on top of him, my legs sprawled all over him, with the skirt of my one piece tube dress already pulled up on my hips.

I hungrily put my lips on his, tasting the mint on his mouth. I could feel his breath hitting my face, tensed, his hands on my back with his arm muscles rigid. I could faintly trace on my lips his bewilderment on my actions, but I was too aroused and most probably too drunk to mind what he's thinking about me. "Wait…" he mumbled, pulling away slightly from my lips, the warm air slipping out of his mouth hitting my trembling lips. But my hands have found his nape and already clawed on it, pulling him closer to me. He tried to pull away from my kiss, but never kept his distance, fighting with every swirl of my lips on his. I could feel he was trying to push me away, until a few more teasing, and he gave up.

He groaned as he tightened his hands on my hips, grazing his fingers on it, as his lips became ardent, engulfing me into a passionate kiss. I was drowned, drowned by a very long fiery kiss from an angel who has a very beautiful face. I pulled away from a moment, chancing a look at my capturer's eyes, but my mind had been clouded by booze and the utter longing I was feeling. I couldn't see his face, but just the annoying endless swirling circles with twinkling blinding tiny light that I supposed coming from his eyes.

He ran his fingers on my bare shoulders, his warm palms contrasting with the cold air inside the car. He found the crook in my neck and started playing his lips on it, trailing on each side, while my hands were busy raking inside his shirt, playing with the soft hair drenched in sweat rolling down his chest.

My center was already wet, feeling his manhood grew alive inside his pants; it poked silently on my sex which was covered only by a thin thong, my skirt having already pulled up. A gasped came out of my mouth as he himself let out a weak groan when he pulled my tube down and sucked my nipple on his mouth. "Fuck." He mumbled, muffled as he toyed my nipples with his lips while his other hand palmed by other breast.

I was already lost in ecstasy, I have not tried sex in the car, not to mention with a total stranger, but I was determined to fuck this guy. He tasted so sweet, and with the feel of his trapped manhood, the inner kinky me could not hide anymore. I need to have him. _Just this once, let me move on._ I silently pray. My fingers clawed down on his belly until I found what I was blindly looking for, his belt.

He tensed as he felt me thumbed the band of his jeans, my excitement got heated when I accidentally hit the head of his penis, wet, already wet. But when I was working on his buttons, he held my hand firmly, stopping me. I disappointingly looked at him, not seeing his entire face, "You're going to leave me unsatisfied…you started this…" I mumbled, feeling the hurt enveloping my voice, but at the back of my mind, I was chuckling on how sinful I sound, making out with a stranger, but being holy is the least of my concern right now, being in the middle of a mind boggling pre-sex, I couldn't think of anything else but to hump him.

I raked my hand from the back of my neck pulling back the strand of hair up, feeling the sweat that had began to cover my skin. "I…can't." mumbled the angel, resting his hands on the either side of his chair. But I was not about to give up. I pulled his shirt up to his chest hastily and leaned my body, brushing my boobs on his chest, almost feeling the beads of every sweat on his skin, and then I started passionately kissing him again, trapping his lips on mine.

I found myself craving for the sensation of his erected penis, so when he started kissing me again, I started rocking up and down his covered manhood. The sensation was not enough but enough for me to get more heated and for him to finally loosen up, and began unbuckling his jeans. He forcefully pulled down my thong to my thigh, cursing when he can't remove it easily being tangled on my legs.

My core was already slick, but when he started to climb inside, I couldn't help feel utterly full. Gasps and groans filled the air already swimming in flesh and sweat as he slowly filled me up with his length. I arched my body toward him, feeling him pushed me harder to him each time I come back down on, until we found our rhythm bringing us to the heavens that our body was aching for.

"Fuck, you are so…irresistible." He muttered as he licked the back of my neck. I could not say anything, I was drowned in the ocean of lust, basking on the heat that was radiating on his every thrust and his every kiss and his every touch. I couldn't see his face, rainbows of some sort were hiding it from me, all I could hear is his muffled sigh and his groans in every movement we made simultaneously, meeting half way. And then I felt him stiffen inside of me, just as when I felt the sensation of electricity coming from my toes creeping up to my very core, "come for me," I whispered, lost in the whirling ecstasy, and then there it was, as I convulsed I ecstasy, he started jerking his length when he hastily pulled it out from inside of me. He banged his head on his seat as he stiffened like he was having some sort of seizure, until a few more seconds, everything was done.

He rummaged on his glove compartment, until he found a piece of cloth, wiping his hands on them. I scooted back to my seat, tired very tired, and soaking wet from both our sweat. I fixed my skirt, feeling the wave of embarrassment finally hit me as I tucked my breasts back to the cup of my dress. I fluttered my eyes, looking shyly on his face that was now faintly lit by the shadow of the streetlights. He was smiling on me, a shy smile. His eyes were fixed on my lips, studying me. When he ran his gaze up, a twinkle on them seemed to hit me right between the center of my brain, like a snap of finger or some sort. His eyes were dreamy, long lashes, with a light shaded iris.

I gave a timid smile. "I'm sorry…" I whispered, turning my head down to look at my lap as I played with my fingers painted in black nail polish. He cleared his throat, I could hear him opening his mouth and then sighing, but he didn't say a word just a failed attempt to speak, not until a moment later, "I don't think…I feel the same." He said in a very low soft whisper that sent me shivers in my spine, making me quiver from the electricity that it gave my whole body.

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A/N

Merry early Christmas ladies! I hope I've somehow tickled your fancy. Okay...so click on the next issue, but first, say something, there's a button down there. I would love to hear from you.

xoxo

~m

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NOTA BENE**

For disclaimer and author's basic note, please see PREFACE in the first page. Thank you.


	5. Chapter 4 Your Carved Memory

**4 – YOUR CARVED MEMORY**

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BELLA

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Tonight is my last night at Virginia Heights, tomorrow I will be sleeping in my own apartment, sharing it with some stranger. My parents went out for a prayer meeting in one of their colleagues' place; I was left alone in the house. It's raining. This evening can't be anymore lonelier.

Clasping my steaming coffee, I decided to savor the familiar scent of my neighborhood under the drizzling rain. Sitting on the handrail of the porch, I played with my toes in the part that has been wet from the mist of the rain. It was dark in here; the yellow light of the road was all that was glowing. After a moment of feeling my pure solitude, I found myself hugging my knees, feeling the heaviness that seemed to be weighing on my chest. Tears ran down once again in my cheeks. I'd be lying to myself if I say I didn't want to leave this small neighborhood I grew up in, but this is a part of me, a part of who I am, and as hard as it sound, I needed to leave them behind, my parents, my friends, Mike.

My little moment of self pity came to an abrupt halt when a bike skidded on our driveway. Even from a distance and darkness, I have no doubt that I knew that silhouette that was walking to our walkway, his curly hair glistening with raindrops, his hand shoved in his pockets while the other hand clutches a bunch of roses. The scent of his body spray together with his bath soap hit my face carried by the faint wind. Mike.

He silently walked toward me in the porch, his head pulled down. As a mere act of kindness, I put down both of my feet, dangling it on the railings. He didn't look up even when he handed me the bouquet of flowers. Orange roses. He met my eyes, perplexed, when he heard me snorted.

I momentarily felt embarrassed, looking at each other; I tried so hard not to shrink from the burn the warmth of his stare gave out. I fluttered my eyes, smiling timidly, "Orange roses…umm—enthusiastic…umm…fervent…romance." I muttered stuttering. After I said it, I wanted to smack my face for even thinking of those words and having the courage to say it, to Mike, the one person I have been intimate with, but now nothing that I can call a friend, I think.

The back of his hand trailed gingerly on my cheek down to my jaw, his eyes following the movement of his hand. His face has no expression but pure regard, his lips slightly parted like he's murmuring something. Finally he began to put sound on his thoughts. "I'll miss…you, giving meaning to everything." He struggled to utter the words, his voice trembling. A memory of him hit me in a wave, it happened a long time ago him telling me _"You are the only person I know who always try to give meanings to everything that I give you" _to which I replied with a kiss and half-joked "_there's meaning in everything around us, I am just diligent in finding them"_.

My throat felt constricted, there was like something that wanted to break free. He tucked the strayed lock of hair into the rest of my messy bun, with his eyes still fixated on my face. I know he can read every twitch of my lips and flutter of my eyes. "You're leaving?" He asked, so soft I almost didn't catch it.

I did not reply but instead pulled my face down, staring blankly on his black shirt splattered with drops of water. He sighed loudly and then rested both his hands on the ledge in either side of my thighs. "Why do these things need to happen?" Mike asked with a voice impeding a tremble, I could be wrong but a voice like that suggests he's crying. A voice I have never heard before.

"Mike…" I whispered pulling my face to look at him. And I was right; tears had already fallen on his cheeks. I have never see Mike cry, and seeing him for the first time bare his weaker part on me, just because I am leaving, my heart sunk. Instantaneously, my hand darted to wipe the tears that had stained his cheeks and just as fast, his hand grabbed mine, flatting my palm on his jaw. My hand could feel the trembles his jaws made as he tried to control his emotions.

"Don't leave. Please."

"Mike. I have to. College…college is waiting for me." I softly murmured, putting my other hand on his hair, snaking my fingers on the tangles of his curls.

"No. Don't leave me. You don't have to leave me when you go to college."

I knew that was he meant, I just played it safe with my answer. As much as possible, I really don't want to talk about the reason why we parted our ways, why I need to turn my back on him. "Mike…" I mumbled softly.

He pulled his head up, searching for my eyes, locking it on his stare when he found them. He didn't say a word, he just looked at me for the longest time. I could feel the tears pooling on my eyes, in the brink of falling. _God, I really don't want to fucking hurt this guy_, I sullenly grumbled silently. But I have to, I just have to hurt him again.

I slowly yanked my hand away from his face, trailing it slowly on his arms wet from the drizzle, until I found his hands. I braved to hold both of them, pressing them hard, feeling the warmth it gave, just like old times. I heaved a sigh, trying to calm myself, I don't want my hysterics to ruin the words that I needed to say.

"I love you Mike. I have loved you, and I probably still. But you and I…we don't belong to each other. We will…make a lot of mess with our relationship. Our parents hate each other, and I fucking hate their quarrels that had always tainted our relationship, it had always made our love story filled with…secrets, lies and all those shit. I know, I know, we have always talk about this, we have endured them many times, but admit it or not, their feud had made us…wounded, wounded from the battle that actually should have nothing to do with us. We could…continue, but for what? Invest all our time and energy and affection with each other and then what, after one, four seven years, we'll walk away from each other, overly broken. I…don't want to waste my time and my emotions on things I cannot change Mike. And our families hate for each other is something we can't do anything about."

"Why are you so weak? Why do you always have to back out on something when it gets tough?" He asked with a voice that has now sounded miffed.

I could have made myself sound defensive but, I couldn't. I know, he already called me a coward many times, and this time I won't correct him or not even defend myself. "I know, you told me that already. I'm sorry."

"Bella, listen, we..." I started, but I cut him off immediately.

"No Mike, you listen to me." I said, furrowing my brows, but this time I tried to sound calm, I really don't want to fight anymore. "Your family doesn't like me, neither my family on you. Your mother hated that I have trapped you with me, and I know if I don't give it up, she's going to make my life a living hell."

He huffed, but I scowled on him. "She told me." I added, gritting it through my clench jaws.

"Bell--"

"Mike…" I put my finger on his lips, stopping him from further saying anything. "This road ends here." I said with my trembling voice, a fucking tear escaping the side of my face.

He caught a glimpse of that traitor tear, clasping both my jaws hard, he thumbed the corner of my eye, and then steadied his gaze on my eyes. "Whatever happens, wherever…this…new road brings you, without me, always remember…you will always be a part of me, I will never forget you."

Now my tears relentlessly fell, jumping on his hands, trailing down his arms. "And you think I could fucking forget you?" I muttered, putting a tone of humor on my voice, but the anguish floated like oil floating against water.

He enclosed me on a tight embrace, whispering tenderly on my ears, "Come back to me…when you're ready." A soft kiss landed on the base of my neck, lingering for a moment, his warm lips sent shivers on my back. I tightened my hold on his back, I could almost feel the beat of his heart. My tears raced down my cheeks when I heard him sobbed, his chest trembled softly. I pulled my head away, and then slowly, I put my lips on his planting a soft long kiss, staying there for a moment, until I felt him tilt his head on the side and opened his mouth to trap mine inside.

Old emotions suddenly rushed over me. It has been three months since we broke up and about four months since the last time we kissed this passionate. Soft whimpers escape both of our hungry lips. He shoved his tongue inside my mouth and teased my tongue to dance with his. I couldn't argue with him, I was so enthralled with the yearning that suddenly came down on me like a huge wave, drowning me.

Soon I was running my fingers inside his shirt, grazing on the familiar soft yet muscular abs that I just realized I won't be holding for long. His breath tickled me when he lowered his lips on my neck, his tongue swirling into small circles. Not a second later his hands grazed on my hips and then inside my flannel Capris after he pulled the string that was holding it in place. I myself have been busying my left hand on unbuttoning his cargo shorts, with my right already inside his briefs thumbing the head of his manhood, swollen from erection.

It was not long until we found ourselves, both shorts pulled slightly down, ready to feel each other once more, for the last time, probably. He pulled me closer to him, letting me rest my back on the handrail for support, his both hands clasping my hips as he guided his erection inside my already slick womanhood.

Slowly he thrust inside me, his moans sounded more like wailing from the frequent sobbing he made. But I am no different from him, I may not moan but the euphoria every in and out motion he made inside me, shatters me into million pieces, breaking my heart even more, bitter sweet feelings.

Soon we were exchanging kisses again, tasting each others tears, as our bodies danced in the agonizing dance of lust and anguish. Whimpers and sobs hid the ecstasy we're sharing, our hands travel in every corner of each other's body, memorizing once again the curves and bumps that once we have so utterly known about.

And then the end. Both of us convulsed and writhed as we came at the same time, inside each other. My lips tangled with his, breathing the last of his scent, tasting the last of his lips. My mind writhed in agony of the almost possible scenario that I will never find someone I could love as I loved Mike.

After we fixed ourselves, he pinned me with his body on the railing, cupping both my cheeks on his hands, his eyes searching my eyes, his gaze unfaltering. And then with a steady voice, "Bring my memories with you. Bury it, burn it, but don't leave it behind. Don't leave me behind", he said.

"Your memories are carved here Mike," I said putting my hand momentarily on top of my heart, "it will never be erased."

He ran his fingers on my already uber-tousled hair, knotting on the tangles that had accumulated. He was about to say something when my parent's car suddenly pulled up in the driveway. We both froze, I know what he was thinking, the same thing I was, _fuck, they missed us fucking in the porch with just a minute or two._ We could be in too much trouble, and we already are.

My parents never liked Mike as much as his parents hated me. But unlike Mrs. Newton, my parents, especially my mother had never talked to him about her disapproval on our relationship. They have always been nice to him when he visits my house, and by nice I mean, opening the door for him, literally, when he come and when he lives. Nothing more, no little chats, no homemade snacks. Nevertheless, they have always been open of their feelings about our relationship, that one time they actually told Mike "your parents wouldn't like that you're spending time with our daughter". That probably the worst thing they have ever said to him.

"Good evening Mr. Swan, Mrs. Swan." greeted Mike, his voice trembling, his hands clasp together hidden behind his back.

"Mike." Answered my Dad, Charlie, in a deep grumbling sound.

"It's late. Bella has an early road trip tomorrow." My mother added; throwing her glance on the thick bouquet of flowers I have put on top of the round coffee table.

"Umm—I'll be leaving soon I promise. I'm just, umm, saying goodbye to Bella." Mike hastily answered, stumbling on words to say.

Mom and Dad made their way toward the door, my father pausing throwing us a worried glance before he entered.

"I'll be inside in a minute." I muttered, tilting my head, pasting a faint smile on my face.

When the door made a soft click, Mike straightened up, and gaze on me again, but he did not talk, for a long while, until footfalls sounded inside the living room, a sign that my parents had finally moved away from the doorway, given up eavesdropping, probably.

"I love you Bella. It would be long before I found someone to love again like this, but I swear no one could replace you in the space that you have long occupied in my heart." He muttered, breathless. He stared at me again, "I hope you find what you're looking for, that one thing I couldn't give." He added and then leaned his face toward me, his lips landed on mine, pausing for a long time to give me a long fervent kiss, and then pulled abruptly just as I was to hold on his neck, making me gasp in the air.

I stayed on my position, my eyes closed, tears trailing on my cheeks as I mentally counted the steps he made on the wet paved walkway, until I heard the sound of the tires of his bike, going farther and farther until it disappeared. Everything was drowned by the sound of the rain splattering on the rooftop, drowning my senses off of my agony.

"I love you too Mike, that's why I have to leave...you." I whispered; turning to rest my elbows on the railings, watching the drops of rain drench the green grass of the tiny garden my mother has in front of the porch. I took a sharp intake of air, drowning my senses of the scent of the rain, and then I straightened up, wiping my tears away. "I am walking away." _I won't fucking fail again._ I whispered, as I clasped my finger on the handle of the mug of coffee I have placed on the far end of the rail, sipping absently on it, grimacing a second later, _fuck me, _my lips were greeted with nothing but a cold as the rain coffee.

Yes, tonight will be so fucking cold.

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A/N

For the first time, I liked Mike. What about you? I hope you won't mind reviewing my chapter. Thanks!

xoxo

~m

* * *

**NOTA BENE**

For disclaimer and author's basic note, please see PREFACE in the first page. Thank you.


	6. Chapter 5 The Foot of the Mountain

**5 – THE FOOT OF THE MOUNTAIN**

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BELLA

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**

It has been too long since I had my last long road trip, but today, though it took us only about four hours, it felt like we have spent the whole day in the road. I couldn't keep from twitching in my seat, partly from boredom but mostly because I just want this day to end, I just want to get to where we're going and leave everything behind, for a while. I was so impatient for the start of my new life to begin.

There was a nice neighborhood in a foot of a huge mountain, more commonly known as a sleeping giant because of its appearance, a few hundred miles from our town called Nueva Caceres. An old place built on Spanish era. Its top was almost always covered with puffs of clouds. From a far, one could see different shapes of houses and establishments that lined and adorned the slopes of the mountain, making a snake like trail scattered starting from the very bottom. The Spanish era was still apparent in the place even though modern houses, pavements and architectures have almost wiped out the existence of Spanish architectures, old buildings made out of bricks even post lamps. From what I saw in pictures, the look of the lights at night from the foot of the mountain was like a fire snaking towards the top.

We past several towns, small ones that I never even knew existed. I was surprised I never knew places like rice fields even existed, to think it was just right outside our town. I couldn't feel anymore stupider. When we finally arrived at the city, Vermont City, I couldn't help feel amazed. It was exactly what I have pictured in mind. Cabs, big buses, cars of different models buzzed in every corner. Street signs flashed red and green, establishments logo blared in neon colors. Green huge trash bins lined in corner of the streets. Malls lined up with queuing cars for parking. _City. _

It was another few miles travel going to the middle part of the mountain where my new sanctuary is located. We have passed several notable places; churches, tiny chapels, formation centers, green houses, convents and rehabs. _Yup, we're on the right path._

Dad stayed quiet the whole time, fidgeting with the stations of the radio that kept on changing every town we passed. Thankfully I had my iPod blasting in my ears, saving me from whatever painful conversation lurking in the air.

We got to my place by the afternoon. The sun's rays were faint, seeping on the huge tree standing across the street where my building stood erect and proud, _newly refurbished rooms, _the placard hanging on the wall said. It was a two-storey modern building yet the walls were made out of chopped bricks glittering in bits of broken puka shells. Windows lined with white trimmings were pushed opened, with different colored curtains in every window.

The air smelled of pine and flowers soothing my very tired mind and body. I felt so stiff when I went down the car, like I have been stashed into a compartment for a very long time.

Dad helped me with the huge purple suitcase where all of the things I would need were uncomfortably squeezed in. I only had that suitcase and the backpack I was hugging. There was a tall white lacquer painted gate extending almost to the top of the edge of the balcony of the second floor. It was unlocked, and probably always left unlocked with the obvious lack of a bolt or a padlock. It opens to a gray shiny brick-floored porch with a low handrail painted in white in a semi circle shape.

The material of my suitcase groaned when it brushed the rough surface of the side of the railing, earning a loud sigh from me, which made my father smile apologetically. He's acting strange, stranger than normal. I could feel a coming of a father and daughter talk. I have to brace myself.

Charlie's muscles flexed and veins snaked on his arms as he carried the obviously heavy suitcase on the rough stairs, his intention to keep the suitcase from coming in contact with the floor is apparent from the sweat that was beading out of his neck and forehead. I chuckled, shaking my head. My Dad knows the things I don't like.

"Remind me again why did your mother choose to get you an apartment with no elevator?" He said, putting the luggage down for a while as he struggled to reach for his handkerchief.

"Umm, because it's just two floors, because this is nearer my school, and because you don't want me to drive, in fact you didn't buy me a car." I said without pausing, my face wrapped in a scowl. I smiled mischievously when he widened his eyes, rolling it afterward, making a comic face. _Ugh, my Dad._

I began walking again towards the hall lit by small lights overhead like tiny spotlights. "And besides, it has a great view. Come on old man." At last we arrived in the doorstep of my apartment. Room 207.

There was a pink rug on the doorstep, decorated with tiny flowers on the borders that says 'home' laying slightly askew. A tall brown cylinder vase stands in the corner with purple and cream sticks curled on its tips served as the flowers dipped messily, twining with each other like twigs and vines. _My room mate is here._

"Bella…" My father grumbled. Though I was busy rummaging my backpack for the key on the door, behind my mind, I was grunting. _Here we fucking go. _I sighed, playing with the keys on my fingers, hoping the sound would lighten the topic that I know is coming.

"I'm so sorry for…Mike, and...you. Your mom and I are both sad that things didn't go well with you and him. You know that right?"

I let out a sigh, unmindful even if my facial expression would hurt him, "No Dad, I don't." I replied, a slight twitch in his lips expressed his hurt with how fucking bitchy I reacted, but I won't retract.

He put both his hands in his waist, tentatively looking down on his shoes, probably finding the right words to say, and then he shook his head, "Listen Bella, I'm sorry you get caught up with this…feud, I just, we just think it's right to lay low for a while. You and Mike are good for each other, we know that, just…just not right now, now that both of you were still young." He put his right hand on my shoulder, letting me feel the weight of it, "Give it some time, when the right time comes, it's still you and him who'll decide for your future, not us."

I gasped, my lips twitched into a faint smile, "I know." Looking down my toes painted in blue nail polish, I wiggled my flip flops on the floor, avoiding having to stare back at him. "Just…just don't worry about me, 'kay? I'll be fine, I promise." I said, putting a conclusive tone, turning on to the keyhole.

I struggled fitting the key on the hole, but then the door knob sounded as someone behind it unlocked the bolts and then turned the knob, opening the door. My eyes immediately landed on a pair of well cleaned toes, bleeding red in nail polish making her already reddish white complexion appear paler.

"Hi!" An excited voice greeted us.

When I turned my head up, my lips immediately curled into a smile. She was so pretty. Her eyes were round, and they were a shade of a darker blue. Her blond hair topped with white headband flowed in messy curls past her waist. She was wearing a floral printed light blue sun dress modestly covered with a crochet cream bolero. But it was her smile that made my heart jumped in excitement.

"I'm Alice, Alice Brandon." She muttered after opening the door wide and then offered her hand which I immediately took and shake.

"I'm Bella," I mumbled, feeling embarrassed that I omitted telling my name, realizing only after I have put down my backpack temporarily on the floor. "My father, Charlie." I added, half turning my body to point him out. He shook her hand after he had pulled the suitcase inside, closing the door silently afterward.

She led us to my room, muttering words to describe the already obvious awesomeness of the place that my mother got for me. My hands trailed on the oak wood coffee table in the middle of a long brown couch and two single-seater sofa. There were two tall furniture in the wall, one was a cabinet and the other is a bookshelf, so perfectly situated beside a love seat and a huge glass window that didn't seem operable, possibly made just to let light come in. It was draped with maroon-ish color of lacey curtain tied in each side.

I could hear my father and Alice muttering something inside the open door of my room, but I still couldn't follow, my eyes caught the sight of a balcony behind me. I felt like a kid so excited on her first trip to the carnival. I walked hastily, my eyes widening in astonishment as I gaze on a spectacular view of the almost setting sun, casting reddish color in the horizon were the whole of Vermont city lay busy buzzing.

After a moment, I found my way to my room, Charlie just had the bag stashed in the suitcase on the side of the not too big oak cabinet. "Oh hey Bella, I couldn't find a place to put this." Dad said looking baffled. "Oh that's okay Dad, leave it there." I replied, looking past him, my eyes locked on the huge glass window spread almost wall to wall, the bed in the middle of the room looking like it shrunk.

"You've got a pretty nice view here Bella." Alice followed me as I almost skipped towards the window covered with a lace curtain that looked just like the one in the living room, "I have one too in my room, but yours is bigger," she giggled as she pulled the curtain going behind it as I did to peer in the glass, "you're lucky, your mom got here first." She added, almost whispering with a giggle.

I couldn't help get amused with her warm personality, I mean, joking stuff like that on the first meeting, she must have some pretty self confidence, not that it was bad, it actually made her a comfortable person to spend time with. "Do you have a nice view in your room too?"

"Yeah, pretty much." She said fluttering her eyes, her words seemed to flow in every motion her thick lashes made, "I have a slab of the sky, well, I just hope I'm awake early to see the sunrise." She said chuckling.

My father cleared his throat. I almost forgot he was standing on the door way. I hastily spun around and turned toward him, smiling lightly on Alice who followed suit. "So…" Dad muttered, once again putting his hand on my shoulder as we walked in the living room toward the main door, "Don't forget to come home." He muttered, and then pulled me for a hug, whispering "or at least phone home if you can't." He let go and then sighed, looking momentarily on his shoes, thinking, and then muttered something unintelligible. I nodded catching only the gist of it.

He knows I am not going back home, not in the near future at least.

"Alright," He spun putting his hand on his waist again, "You girls take care of yourselves, huh?" He said sounding so adult and parent and then he smirked probably seeing the scowl I made, "Okay," he pursed his lips, putting his palms up in a surrendering gesture, "have fun", and then left, closing the door with a soft click.

After a moment of silence, Alice walked soundly toward me, and then tugged me toward the kitchen, "I'm cooking pasta, do you like pasta?" She said, her eyes beaming in excitement.

I hesitated to answer for a while, thinking about how sad my father could have been feeling driving home alone back to Virginia Heights. But after a few seconds, I realized that this is the new life I have been planning for quite a while. "Yeah, pasta is great." I said, following her toward the kitchen, slightly bouncing on the balls of my feet.

"This is going to be awesome Bella." She said, half turning from the stove-front, "I mean, we're going to be great friends." She chuckled, half-admittedly correcting herself for the ambiguity of her statement.

"Yeah. Yeah I know." I muttered, understanding what she meant the first time she said it. _We're going to be great friends, I know._

* * *

A/N

Reviews are so welcome and needed. Thanks for your thoughts...:D

~m

* * *

**NOTA BENE**

For disclaimer and author's basic note, please see PREFACE in the first page. Thank you.


	7. Chapter 6 Fate's Name of the Game

**6 – FATE'S NAME OF THE GAME

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**EDWARD

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**

"Where could you be?" I mumbled, talking to myself. My hands clasped together hugging my legs already felt numb as I have been sitting for quite a long time on top of the ledge of the verandah of the promenade overlooking the foliage surrounding the church, my face on top of my knees. The promenade was on top of a wall surrounding the whole university, enclosing it in a brick square like a fortress.

I closed my eyes for a while, letting the soft breeze of oncoming autumn bathe my skin, ruffling my hair, fanning my shirt freely flapping on my back. The distant buzzing of cars were overwhelmed by the cheerful chirping of the birds, surrounding me, hiding behind the thick leaves of the huge, old trees.

My eyes flickered while it was closed. The image of her was taunting in my eyelids like a nagging blinking light. Her face drenched with different colors, yet undoubtedly shone brighter than any light, like the morning star shining brightly against the dull light of dawn. I let out a sigh, my lips partly open. I could feel the air escaping my chest out to my lips as I tried to calm myself. Her voice reverberated on my ears, for a moment replacing the sweet hums of the birds with her sultry voice. The sweet scent of her perfume suddenly emerged from nowhere like a sudden craving for something.

I could feel my stomach muscles tightening, my jaws clenched. My fingers tightened each other's clasp to the other. I gasped a mouthful of air, a mere speck of her memory had made me crazy like a cat chasing its own tail.

She did look different the last time I saw her. I actually thought I was mistaken. Her hair; the first time I saw her was tied in a bun on top of her head its tips flinging on the sides of her face, but that afternoon, it was flowing down each sides of her face down to her shoulders in a asymmetrical sort of style, with waves on the tips, curling on her jaws. I couldn't believe myself, still confused from my humiliating afternoon dream, I was caught off guard when her face suddenly came into view, like a rainbow that suddenly appeared from nowhere after a rain.

I mean, what is the probability of seeing the one person you've been dying to see from a what, amid the millions people around you? But that same afternoon, twilight, when faces of people around me were lost from the grayish light of darkness, I, with Jasper and his friends stumbled right into her as she was walking home with her loud friends. Her hair, once again pulled into a bun, the tips droop like vines bouncing and swirling from the wind, hitting her face gingerly.

I didn't even hear her voice that afternoon, but her soft chuckle was enough at that moment to send me back to the pits of hell, where they supposedly burn souls of those unworthy to enter heaven, but surprisingly, I did not cower with the idea. I felt an undeniable thrill that the person I have been looking for was now just within my reach.

I know she recognized me; the expression in her eyes when she met mine, realization was the only thing I could think of. I looked back at her as she and her friends walked away, hoping she's going to at least look back and see me recognizing her, and probably give me a sign to, I don't know go back and talk to her, but no, she never looked back. I braved asking Jasper's friends of their names, as casually as possible; faking a mocking laugh on Jasper that he doesn't recognized the all grown-up girls. But that one time was sadly just a teaser, I learned it after a few days of waiting to see her again.

And now, back to school. I sighed, rubbing my face of my palms. I reluctantly jumped from the paved railing down to the brick walkway, feeling tiny pins pricking my legs from being numb. I found my way on the walkway, toward the promenade that led to the stairs to the campus and to the apartment buildings.

Smiling to myself like a moron, I thought, _another year_, well my last year actually. My eyes gazed on the far horizon, almost hidden behind the canopy of the trees that surrounded the entire walled sanctuary, my sanctuary. The sky was beginning to darken, the brightest star already twinkling in the gray heaven, waiting for the moon to show up. Behind the trees, red and orange streaks adorned the end of the sky, like ushering the exiting sun.

I walked toward the already darkening promenade, my hands shoved in my pocket, my eyes seemingly counting every old brick my shoes stepped onto. Night has come again. And I bet, as sure as the sun still is there even if I can't see it, that girl with soft lips and adorable voice would be starring in my dreams again.

_Such a reason to hurry the day, there's no other chance I'd see her again but in my dreams._

* * *

Jasper was sitting on the step of the apartment building. His legs spread apart with his arms in the middle. I could see he was absently pulling the grass his fingers get hold of. Though his head was turned down gazing on what he was doing, there is no mistaking that it was him. I've known this guy for almost eight years already. We have been together and friends since we first met in the other college we attended to, in the other side of the town.

I casually walked and stopped right in front of him, not talking. He pulled his head up, his mouth twitched into a mocking smile. He must have known it was me, just by looking at my shoes, a very old pair of worn out black sneakers. "What are you moping around in here?" I asked, omitting to put any tint of humor.

He stood up, wiping his butt off of unseen dirt; "Nothing, I was just…" he trailed, shaking his head. He turned around, we began walking toward the huge dark oak door, still widely open, "Jacob was once again starting his non-stop talking…" he chuckled, "I needed to breathe", he gritted, suddenly twisting his body to look at me, pulling his hand and smacking me lightly on my biceps. "Where have you been all afternoon?"

I just shrugged. Ever since I arrived, late this afternoon, I have been in the walls watching the students arrive in the black Victorian gate which was open wide, an apt sign that whoever enters it is welcome to stay. I noted, as I always did for the last two years of doing the same thing every opening of the school, every facial expression of everyone entering the black gate. I couldn't help wonder what could they be thinking the very moment they put one foot inside it. Of course, the happy faces are there like beaming lights exuberantly saying they have made the right decision. But just as there are people so sure of their decisions, many of those who entered have unfathomable expressions. Expressions mixed with happiness, sadness, confusion and determination, a few of the emotions one should never have together but still easily mixed together effortless.

Jasper cleared his throat, looking away from me. He didn't say a word, rather walked ahead of me, leading the way to the pantry. The familiar scent of the place I have learned to call home colored me entirely, like it swallowed me whole. I have no idea what I was feeling. Suddenly the faces of the people I saw this afternoon had taken a huge toll on my emotions. I myself was feeling slightly unsure of the expression I was having and had when I entered the black gate.

I ran my eyes on the four corners of the living room, where we usually sit and have countless talks about everything seemingly senseless; trying to find the familiar soothing energy it gave. The blue colored couch arranged so that it circled the long table was messed with leaflets and magazines left on the seat. The clear tall vases were arranged with yellow tulips, two of them in both sides of the long table and the other in the middle holding more tulips than the other two. The couches were in the middle of the room, stretched wall to wall, both sides have huge windows covered with a patterned blue cotton curtains.

A little far from the couches was a grand staircase with black railings, steps and landings made of terra cotta, the way to our sleeping quarters--where three human beings shared one big room, partitioned only by cabinets. There was a wall directly across the living room, hiding the pantry where we usually bring the unfinished bickering and senseless talks from the comfort of the couch to the more comforting scene of food in a very long table covered with cream vinyl table cloth, able to hold up to thirty noisy individuals in one serving.

"There you are!" A very familiar voice shrieked amid a group of people alternating talking to each other loudly with munching the food that looked like a stew lying steaming on the center of the table. I know that voice very well, just as I know Jasper's.

Jasper chuckled, quirking his brows looking mischievously on me, "Here we go", he muttered as he ghosted toward the center of the pantry.

"Jacob." I mumbled, following Jasper. I sat next to Jacob who scooted farther to give way to us. "What's up?" I casually asked, tentatively throwing my glance on Jasper who suddenly stood up hampering my view of Jacob as he reached for a baguette.

"Oh nothing," Jacob gestured with his hand, dismissive, "just the usual, where do people go after they die, purgatory or shot right to heaven or hell." He giggled, raising an eyebrow as he fingered the wing of the chicken stew that was on his plate.

_Oh I know where I will go. _I sighed, mumbling silently.

After a few minutes of catching up with the fellows in the pantry, we headed up in our room. I made my plans clear to Jasper and Jacob that I won't be staying up late. I didn't even consider checking the TV room in the first room after the stairs if there's a spare seat, I was pretty sure that times like tonight when the classes hasn't kick yet, you'll be lucky to find even a single spot, on the floor. It's always packed with guys fighting which channel to watch, TV series, news, sports, music TV, movie channel and the not so surprising, fashion TV.

I have prepared myself to sleep. Showered and all ready for a good night sleep, a rendezvous once again with the person I could only meet in my dreams. I have said my prayers, read everything I needed to read. I lay flat on my bed, nothing fancy, just a pillow with white case and a blanket, also in white. My eyes temporarily wandered in the whole of the room. The door is small, just enough to fit a body through it. Three beds lined, only partitioned with dark brown cabinets beside the head board where we stash our 'limited to only basics' stuff and a study table in the foot of the bed. My study table, leaning on the wall beside the window has a silver lamp on top and a black pencil holder, with a single ballpen sitting lonely inside it. My notebooks were usually hidden on the drawers. I wasn't like the two of my room mates who most of the times have their books and notes scattered on top of their study table like it has been ravaged by a storm.

I sighed, _a very simple life, yet so complicated at times. _I stared on the eerily huge window, just beside my bed, turning my back away from the door. The moon on its early phase was casting a silver light on the gray sky, I could see it from a slightly parted yellowish curtains that hang loosely on the window. I could feel the power of the moon tugging me to sleep. Smiling, I pressed my eyes shut, I have never fought with sleep, for quite sometime now. Sleep has been my happy place. And just as I could already feel a swaying sensation ribbing my body, loud and disrespectful voices came tugging me away from my precious sleep.

"Is that so Jasper? But what about those who wanted remuneration?"

"Oh shut up Jacob. Go to sleep."

I sighed as my eyes still closed letting the air slither out through my lips. _Welcome to another year of deliverance, pursuit of, at least._

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A/N

Take time to tell me any thoughts, wild thoughts or anything that sounded the same are so welcome, please. Thank you for all your awesomeness.

xoxo~m

* * *

**NOTA BENE**

For disclaimer and author's basic note, please see PREFACE in the first page. Thank you.


	8. Chapter 7 Gray and Maroon

**7 – GRAY AND MAROON

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**BELLA

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**

Subtle light of dawn was already peeking on the window through the lacy curtain when I opened my eyes. I didn't even notice I fell asleep. I had a hard time finding the perfect spot in my new bed. Sleep seemed to be bouncing around the corners of my room, almost impossible to catch. I have already trained my eyes on my alarm clock's blinking dots, probably could have been what dozed me off to sleep.

Alice and I called it a night after a tub of ice cream and a whole bunch of stories ranging from our childhood, our school, boyfriends and the place we left behind. I have told her about Jessica and Angela, in which she could not stop giggling with my description about them. It made me wonder if my description was harsh, detrimental to them. But she just started laughing again, and said "you're one crazy friend, you know?" I at first frowned with her statement, faking that I was hurt, but she was quick to add, "You see your friends in their most awful characteristics and yet, here you are, boasting about them." Her words have some weights on them; I thought I was just feeling a wave of homesickness, missing my girls, but when she muttered, "I wish my friends have seen me like you saw your friends."

Probably its her utterly enthralling aura or maybe her sunny personality that was readily apparent, but a few hours of talking about our lives as we remember it from the past 18 years, I was already feeling at eased with her. A smile crept on my face, as I lazily scooted in the edge of my bed, remembering among other things that we talked about last night that we promised, at each other that we're going to be friends no matter where this college thing bring us, sealing it with a handshake, a scoop of ice cream in both our hands. Kind of like children again. A small chuckle came out of my dry mouth, grimacing afterward when I felt my lips cracked.

Thumbing the remnants of my not so sound sleep, I found my way to my bathroom, once again thanking my mother silently for choosing such a great place for me to stay. I mean; huge bed, large windows, awesome furnishings, my own bathroom, what more can I ask for? But…_Oh my God! _My hand instantaneously hid my falling mouth when I caught a glimpse of the rising sun on the window inside my toilet, just behind the shiny clean toilet bowl. I could have felt crazed with the sight of a window in a toilet, slightly pushed open left and right, momentarily sparking in my head, _who the hell uses a window in a toilet if not for exhaust?_ But I was stunned by the mesmerizing sight of the rising sun, drenching the still sleepy neighborhood, casting an amber glow in everything it touched. "Thank you mother." I cheerfully muttered, fixing the curtain, making sure I could not be seen outside. I wouldn't want a peeping tom getting a piece of me.

After a long breakfast in the oak table made for six people, Alice and I went to school excitedly. It was early morning, both our first subject will not start until nine in the morning but we decided to make it early, even though the campus is just on the other side of the block next to ours.

The air smelled clean, it has that cold feeling creeping into your nostrils when you inhale. The leaves of the bushes on the walkway were all carrying drops of water, dew. Alice chuckled loudly when I told her I never saw dew and appreciated it this much. We had to cross the road to get to the next block, where at its end was the gate of our school, as it said on the map that my mother handed to me. I never realized it was a 'big block'. When my mother told me it was just in the next block, I was picturing a block just as small as ours, but this one, _fucking exhausting. _I was already out of breath by the time we got a glimpse of the building's roof behind the gray wall with maroon trimmings, "but the gate is no where near here…" hissed Alice. Apparently she was feeling already tired too, "I should have not worn these heels."

We resorted to just laughing at each other to let the first day jitters that we admitted we're both suffering from. I ran my palms carefully on the sunflower-looking tiny flowers on the side of the walkway, feeling its different textures. Alice was babbling about the names of her subjects, worried we won't have time to see each other in the school. I was in the College of Communication, while she was in the College of Information Technology, wherever that is. But I could not let myself worry about all the things she was saying, after all, when the day is over, we'll still be together.

Silently chuckling, I muttered, "You worry too much…" She started talking again, mumbling something about the strap of her sandals, but my eyes were wandering on the huge trees that lined the other side of the walkway, in the other side of the street. Wonder once again popped in my head, a little confused, I half turned my body looking back where we came from. I saw that the huge trees were carefully planted, lined up starting from the edge of the block and I wont be surprised if it was done the same on the other side, I mean it must be. My eyes went back to the side of our campus, absently comparing our side of the walkway to the other side of the street. My eyes struggled to have a clear picture of the end of the street we were walking towards. There was a huge tree; its leaves falling and flying from the blow of the wind were already hitting our faces, some tangling with our windblown hair. My eyes darted on the end of the block in the other side of the road, the one covered in huge old looking trees, and saw a break that looked like a gate.

"This was like the university area, right?" I muttered, cutting Alice on her words, now looking at her course prospectus, _she is so fucking nervous, _I noticed.

Confounded with my sudden utterance changing the subject, she fluttered her eyes, "Huh?" Her voice was like a the sound of water suddenly cut of mid-stream. I mouthed a silent sorry, with an apologetic smile. She twitched the side of her lips into a small smile, "uh—yeah, I think so" she mumbled, absently throwing her right hand to point to me the children crossing the zebra line at the end of the street.

My eyes sheepishly made a quick run over on the huge gate, it was closed. Behind the black railings I could see a building in a shiny coal looking terra cotta finish, its windows closed. There was a huge amount of foliage inside. Now nearing the end of the walkway, I quickened my eyes, wandering inside the closed black gate, rummaging with whatever my eyes landed upon; I was almost awkwardly turned backwards, muttering my agreement on something Alice was telling me, without even understanding what it was. I noticed a wall far behind the black gate. It looked old, really old, it looked like made of stones, and I might have sickened eyes but the moss and the leaves of what looked like ferns were obviously living on the wall, for like forever.

I grated my jaws when we finally got to the end of the walkway where we needed to turn left. I threw one last glance on the gate, my eyes blinked suddenly from the glare of a gold signage that I didn't notice before. But I was late, I didn't get the name etched on it. It made me wonder what could be lying behind those gates. Closed gates, closed windows and an eerie old wall, like a ruin. Not to mention huge old trees that you can only find in parks. I shrugged, _probably a park, exactly_.

My uncalled for anxiety over an even pettier thing quickly dissipated when we finally got to the gate of our campus. There was a huge wall, adjacent to the gray wall we have been seeing from the walkway, enclosing the entire campus. One side of the maroon painted grills of the gate was opened, a security guard stood behind it. Alice muttered a cheerful "Good morning" which I copied, also cheerfully. _Oh God we're excited. College here we go. _"College here we go!" mused Alice, making me laugh heartily as I heard her echo what I was exactly thinking.

_St.__ Anne University of Nueva Caceres. _I muttered silently, remembering the signage neatly carved on a gold-plated tin in the gray wall beside the gate. I honestly think we are acting a little strange as we almost skipped toward the paved walkway winding in the middle of a huge green lawn. The walkway ends on an automatic sliding glass door, where a metal detector entertains every one entering. There were two guards languidly walking to and fro in each side of the metal detector, the other one alerting momentarily when the guy in front of Alice went through and the detector beeped. Alice shrugged turning towards me, smiling mischievously, her right brow raised.

I remembered in one of the things we agreed about last night, that this place was somewhere between modern and modest. Both coming from a small town, almost remote, as we joked about it, we agreed that belonging would not be as hard as we think it would be, culture shock would be a thing of the past, if we put it like that. Spanish architectures were still obviously incorporated, for example in this modern looking university. The pathway outside have street lamps that looked like the ones in old Spanish movies; black post, the lamp head slightly protruding upwards, the metal clasping the glass snaked into heart shapes.

Behind the metal detector is a huge two door pass, the doors pushed open, resting behind the wall that was made out of mismatched granite bricks, in gray, by the way. When we entered the doors, I could almost feel myself falling back. A sea of people suddenly swallowed us, coming from everywhere, going to…everywhere. From where we were standing, there were halls—directly ahead of us, in the left and in the right. We're like in a crossroad.

A giggle came from both of us as we widened both our eyes, looking at each other. We almost wiggled. _Small town girls, _I whispered to myself, not minding how detrimental it sounded.

It was a good decision to come to school earlier than our class schedule. We walked slowly in the hall, deciding to take the one directly ahead of us. We were partly looking for the stairs that would lead us to our class, but a greater reason was leisurely eyeing the place. We found out that the hall we took led to a huge hall housing offices with glass windows. Some have tiny openings, appropriate for an office that was marked, Cashier, and the other one, Accounting.

There was a hall that passes through the offices, and it led us to a huge lawn, some students flocked in tiny groups, the green grass standing upright, welcoming the sun, and seemingly boasting its health. There was a covered path on the edge of the lawn. We laughed at each other when we saw a sign that said, TO COLLEGE OF COMMUNICATIONS and below it was COLLEGE OF INFOTECH, teasing each other afterward that we relied on our senses and didn't even noticed the signs of directions. "We are so naïve," uttered Alice; her voice chirping.

We found out that our buildings were adjacent to each other, and being freshmen, they have concentrated us on the third floor. We parted ways heading to our classes both pressing our lips into a tight smile, promising to see each other after all our classes were done.

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The day passed by quickly, I didn't even realize it was already time to go home. I have been roughly taken by the course outline that each professor was handing to us in every subject. At the back of my mind, I was thinking that schooling in a sectarian university, especially one majorly ran by nuns and priests; could be really rigid. I wondered if Angela and Jessica were offered the same difficult looking projects and outlines. But then again, Angela wouldn't mind it, I'm sure and Jessica, she probably is already having fun, she took Culinary Arts, it seems fun it didn't sound arduous.

My hands were covered with the folders and binders that some of the professors kindly given to us, I didn't have the drive to shove them in my brown tote bag, having had stacked most of the folded papers the earlier professors had handed out. I made my way out of the air-conditioned room, the tables almost empty of the students.

Alice met me in the hall where the rented lockers painted in darker shade of gray lined in each side of the wall. And though the walls were not visible being covered with the lockers, I didn't fail to see that it was painted in gray too, with maroon linings in the bottom, not to mention the tiles of the floor were maroon.

I let the air gush through my lips shaking my head as we walked toward the stairs, passing to a long hall with a balcony. Alice smiled at me, her eyes bore the questions she didn't even muttered, but I replied, "I feel so gray already…" She chuckled following my lazy gaze on the wall, "no worries, I feel maroon", curling her hand on inside my arm. _Gray and maroon, just like our school's emblem colors, we go together. _A smile beamed on my face.

She got excited when we pass a group of girls, undeniably older than us judging only from the size of the books they were holding, they were snickering and shamelessly uttering words that I just supposed should not be heard within the walls of this university. Words like fuck and ass. I rolled my eyes inwardly, thinking sullenly that I have been biting my tongue just to keep me from cursing every time a new professor comes with a handout, but these girls were publicly saying what was forbidden in a catholic world, as per my parents opinion, at least.

We stopped and picked a place farther than the girls as we tried to follow their gaze. At the back of my mind I was already picturing that they must be seeing a nun and priest making out, sheepishly grinning, I mean, what could be that exciting in a university full of girls. Remembering a distorted map of the school I have stored in my poor brain, there was nothing there but a field, or probably a road. The other buildings are in the other side.

But I was wrong.

Alice was already tongue-tied; I could almost see a smirk in her lips in my periphery. In front of us, was a road, but behind that road was the tall wall with a black gate, the one I was anxiously trying to figure what lies behind.

Men. That's what lies behind the black gate. Well dressed men, if my poor eyesight served me right. And by men I meant, grown ups, not like us, trapped between ten and twenty. I could barely see their faces, but by the way they carry themselves, it was obvious that they have grace—a sign of achievement or something, if there's even such a thing.

"What school is that? Are those boys?" Alice snickered, her eyes wide in surprise. "I think they're called men," I disagreed, "fucking men." I muttered; muffling the words inside my mouth I have clasped in my hand, innocently looking around for some bystander who might have heard me curse. A trip to the Directress' office won't be of any help at the moment.

_Hallelujah!_

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A/N

Woot-woot! Life is so good, don't you agree?

xoxo

~m

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NOTA BENE**

For disclaimer and author's basic note, please see PREFACE in the first page. Thank you.


	9. Chapter 8 There Goes my Sanity

**8 – THERE GOES MY SANITY**

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BELLA

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It was the first weekend after the classes have started. And unlike in high school where we lazily wait for the feeling of studying to kick in, it fucking started right the second day, kicking us directly to our guts; and by the end of the week I almost felt bloated with all things that were tasked on us.

Alice and I went into a shopping spree yesterday in Vermont, buying stuff that we called 'welcome to college stuff', taking her lovely yellow Porsche. We've been talking our whole way down to the city and I must have reprimanded her driving probably like a thousand times, the girl drives like a maniac, to think the road has a sheer cliff on the side. I couldn't feel any luckier that we made it home safe last night. But that was not it. We spent the whole night drinking the cans of beer we bought to celebrate the 'coming to age' as we named our college life, almost finishing the two boxes of Foster's beers.

_I'd fucking have a beer belly even before the first semester ends, _I thought still lost in a dreamlike state. My eyes were shut, reluctant to open it. My head hurts. Rolling to my side, my head quickly alerted and reviewed the days of the week when a sound of a church bell echoed loudly. _Damn, it's Sunday. _Squeezing my eyes shut, trying to dispense the lure of sleep, I sullenly stood up, finding my way to my bathroom with partially opened eyes.

Alice's doors were left opened, thrown wide open actually. The poor girl was lying prostrate in the edge of her bed, her long caramel hair were all over her face, hiding it in perfect invisibility. All I could do was cover her body with the side of her blanket that was free from her weight and then leave her, closing the dark brown hard wood door behind me.

Sighing, I left the house half hearted to hurry to get to the church as soon as possible. Half-hearted because, I still really felt so sleepy not to mention my head was throbbing in pain and also, I really would like to attend the mass with Alice. I don't want to be wandering around the church alone, thinking glumly that according to the map I've seen a thousand times probably, the church was parallel to my school, only in the other side.

_This is going to be a long hike again._

I easily found the church, cursing all the way, until I stepped into its gate and the ancient feel of moss on old stones all around it made me forget that I was actually not inclined to attend the mass due to my current state of mind. I slowed my pace when I get to a huge fountain in the middle of a paved walkway, its water seemingly perpetual in splashing tiny cordlike spurts. I felt, briefly refreshed.

The unnerving voice of the priest singing on the microphone echoed outside the church made me quickened my pace, "_if you're late to a Eucharistic celebration, better postpone it and wait for the next service." _My father's voice echoed_ in_ my head, _well, better late than never, _I grumbled, almost jogging toward the huge brown door carved with intricate details of what looked like flowers and vines, I don't know, I could be mistaken.

Finding my way nearly at the last rows of the pews, I suddenly remembered what my father mumbled last week, when he dropped me here in the Caceres, _"Go to church"_; I took a few moments to bathe me with the ambiance of the church, finding the serenity that it often showered me.

The mass ended, and I was actually feeling elated that I did not pass out all those times. My mind might have been drifting, but, all in all, I could say I had the idea of what the priest's sermon was all about, something along the lines of hatred and murder and paying debts, I don't know. I laughed silently mocking myself on my self salvation urges, pressing my palms on my wrinkled green polo shirt, I made my way to the altar, deciding to pray underneath the image of the Mother of Perpetual Help in the left wing of the church, enjoying the old style architecture surrounding me.

After a moment of silence unmindful of people passing back and forth while I knelt on the pew saying my prayers, baring my thoughts, losing myself to the silent conversation I was having with God, and to Mother Mary, I decided to have a walk outside to have a better look of the place. I remembered seeing a huge wall enclosing the whole area, kind of like the Great walls of China. I spun, not minding to look around me, but in the corner of my eye, I caught sight of someone standing just there, but, I did not think of turning my back to check who it was, until I heard a voice.

"Hi," said the voice, cool, unhurried yet faltering. It sounded familiar, something that felt like buried in the pits of my brain, like a forgotten taste of cheese.

I know my eyeballs wanted to jump out of my eyelids when I learned who the voice's owner is.

"You've got to be fucking kidding me." I mused, unaware of the bad word I just said inside the church. If my parents heard me, I would have been grounded.

He smiled, sort of, his eyes crinkled, yet a side of his lower lip was between his teeth, making it look like he was smirking.

"I know you." He mumbled, his voice was like cotton, soft, seems to be coming from his diaphragm, I even have no idea what it meant, I just know that it felt good, sounded good. An angel's.

_Fuck me._

_Of course you do. Why the fuck not? _Thoughts suddenly ran to my head like fucking bullet in a firing squad. _I'd be fucking dead after this. Fuckkk! Why is he here? And why is he wearing a…_

"You're a priest?" My voice croaked, with a force, I felt like there was something that hampered my voice from coming out, making me exert effort to speak. I needed to hold on the edge of the varnished bench.

"Virginia Heights. Jasper's friend." He muttered drawing his arms on the back of his hips. His black cassock swaying from his movement.

My mouth opened for words I wanted to say, but I couldn't find the right ones to blurt out. I have no idea actually of what to say. I felt I was splashed with cold water when he finally said the words I have feared he'll say, "I met you in the club too…" he said, almost gurgling the words.

My mouth fell open; I don't think I could snap it close, my hand went to clasp it, tilting my head, trying to hide my expression on him. _I fucked a priest? Oh my God. Talk about a sure way to hell. No stop over. _I could feel my eyes warming, I don't think from tears, but rather from sheer humiliation.

The images of that night instantaneously flooded me. I thought it was only a product of my temporary insanity caused by booze and my then longing for Mike's touch. That time I saw him in Virginia with Jasper, it didn't even occur to me that that was in fact him, the guy in the toilet, the guy I shamelessly fucked inside his cozy gray car. And he's a priest. I choked again, seemingly from the very air that I needed to be able to breath and not pass out. My head doubled the throbbing; I could almost count each pulse my temple made.

I must have been stark white in horror, or probably tomato red in shame, or sweating like a pig in humiliation, "Are you okay?" He asked, extending his hand like he wanted to catch me. I must have been swaying. These things suddenly made my hang-over worst than it already is.

My hand instinctively stopped him, mid-stride, I used the back rest of the pew to get strength. He winced, though he hid his face by tousling his hair which was brushed down to his forehead, I saw it when he twitched his lips.

A few moments of silence had past, after I have collected my self, I sighed, furrowing my brows, I swallowed first before I muttered sounding peevishly as possible, "I didn't know you're a priest. What the fuck are you doing in a club? Aren't you supposed to be tucked in your colorless blanket early at night because you need to wake up in the wee hours of the morning for your prayers? No liquor, no cigarette, no women and best of all no sex?" My words gushed like hurried waves in a troubled sea, faltering only on the last part because I needed to swallow the thick lump that seemed to have formed in my throat.

His chuckle made me straighten on the balls of my feet as he turned his head to face me, his hand flexed on his back trying to scratch his neck, I have no idea if it was really itchy or just a mannerism. I got lost momentarily when my eyes landed directly on his eyes, it flickered, and it glimmered against the light of the fluorescence overhead. It was a dark shade of gray, not blue, not black.

"Priests are human too, like you…and me; they do drink...occasionally might I add. Cigarettes are harmful to everyone's health, but its something so addictive one would have a hard time quitting it, I just supposed." He mumbled, a small smile was curled in his lips. His fingers drummed on the bench next to where I was holding. "And yes we do go to bed early because we wake up early to read our prayers which we do…religiously, every single day, but no, our bedding have color, but white is a good color though," he chuckled finding humor in what seemed to me as a matter of life and death conversation. He put his palm up tentatively before putting it down on the head rest of the bench, drawing or writing something unreadable on the brown colored pew with his forefinger.

He stopped for a while, and then looked at me, like he was regarding me or something, my heart was pounding loud inside my chest, my head was silently shouting on my heart for it to tone it down, _I fucking need to hear what he's going to say!_

"And yes, priests must not have sex, we call it continence. Some called it celibacy but actually it was really—," he continued.

But I gawked at him, making him stop. I need not hear these academic things about their laws or some shit. He quirked his head sidewards, and then shoved his hands inside his cassock that I didn't even realized had a pocket. He arched his back toward me, playing with the balls of his feet, "but I am not a priest."'

I snorted.

I saw him licked his lips hurriedly, "No," he muttered, shaking his head lightly, and then added with a voice so low I almost did not catch it, "not yet, at least."

My head felt like it was going to detach from my body, having been shaking it for like forever. I could not understand. I mean I understand what he meant, he's not a fucking priest…yet. I must have painted my confusion all over my face, he immediately answered my silent questions.

"I study here, in the seminary, behind this actually."

Realization dawned finally; I couldn't believe how slow I am. Behind the church were the huge wall with black gate and an ancient looking wall that looked exactly the same like the colossal walls that surrounded the church. The huge wall across our campus where we always see men walking back and forth. Yes, I remember now, I saw some of them wearing robes like what he was wearing now. I didn't even realize, even after I was able to read the words written on the gold sign in front of their gate, St. Paul Graduate School of Theology. Theology…the study of God.

There was an elephantine amount of weight seemingly on top of me. _I didn't fuck a priest, but I did fuck a soon to be. Still, a sure slide straight to hell. Damn. Like fucking a stranger isn't bad enough._

He cleared his throat, pulling me from the cold water that I seemingly have drowned into. My mouth was gaping; I could almost feel the gushing air out of my already dried lips. He was standing now with his feet far apart; his arm was crossed on his belly supporting the elbow of his other hand that was balled into a fist placed on his mouth, hiding a smile that was obvious from his protruding cheeks.

"Bella." He said, finally putting down his hand. There was a joy in his voice. I didn't even know he knew my name. I was not even sure Jasper knew my name. He extended his arm, opening his hand to reach mine, "my name is Edward."

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A/N

Edward in a black cassock...sexy, holy--sexy. Are you with me?

xoxo

~m

**

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NOTA BENE**

For disclaimer and author's basic note, please see PREFACE in the first page. Thank you.


	10. Chapter 9 Behind the Black Cassock

**9 – BEHIND THE BLACK CASSOCK

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**EDWARD

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The little chapel we use for everyday mass in the seminary teemed with different colors. The altar has green, red, gold and white embellishments all around it. The priest was wearing a pale yellow chasuble standing out from the white alb he's wearing underneath. Long ago, I was fascinated with the intricate details on the chasuble priests and deacons use, always wondering what I would wear when it's my turn.

Surrounding me was a dead color of the stone bricks, lifeless, cold, and gray. If not from the colored, stained window glasses with images of everything holy, and the colorful electric fans that hang alternately in every corner, this chapel would be nothing but a mere graveyard, just like the niches in some part of the wall near the church.

This college might not have as many students as the Minor Seminary in the university down in Vermont, but it wasn't surprising, at all. Every year a new group arrives just as a new group leaves, and mostly the reason was not because they're getting ordained, but because they're turning their backs leaving the vocation to go on a different route. Only a few gets to this point, a few more months, we'll get ordained as deacons, one more step before being a priest.

But it isn't easy to get to this step, where I was now. The call of the outside world could sometimes be very convincing. It has everything a human could ask for, all we need, to live, so to speak. I remembered when I was taking Philosophy in Minor Seminary; I must have tried everything to challenge the inner voice that has called me to this vocation. I tried everything a normal teenager could do, some of them at least. Smoking and drinking had been my usual partner every time I get a kick of doubt. Women have been beside me all those years of formation, one after the other, almost always getting me to the edge of giving up to my carnal desires.

Surprisingly, or probably with the heaven's consent as I always put it, I always come back to my senses, always realizing what I wanted to be, what I was made to be. Probably that was the reason I was still here. Not until the last summer I had. Sometimes I get confused if I did not go along with Jared and his colleagues as he celebrated his birthday on that club, a few minute drive from the new place he bought for himself, could I have been still profoundly sure of the reason why I exist?

I sat along with the other members of the choir in the right side near the altar. From where I was, I could see the seminarians flooded and occupied each and every prayer pews. Different faces, young and old; bright eyes, spectacled; well-groomed hair, thinning hair; muscular, bulging belly, thin-man; brown robes, black cassock, white albs; everyone's in here. But I could not help wonder what lies behind those clericals, what do they see behind those closed eyes, what words come out of those murmuring lips. Do their hearts bear the same doubts that I was already having, after denying it to myself for so many years?

I have been dreaming about her. My dreams might have backed off settling into a mere fantasy, but not until she came back two weeks ago. Now, she had been visiting my dreams again every night, tiny memories of her that I have stored in my sub-conscious always find its way, making me wake each morning wearing a smile. A dream just as simple as the image of her black painted nails clutching the side of the bench would give me another hope each day, making me sometimes rethink if I was really having a dream or just fantasizing her once again.

The lyrics of the song came out of my mouth, but I couldn't understand it, like it was just a matter of familiarity that I was able to sing without even paying attention to what I was singing. My head was once again lost in the taunting memory of seeing Bella, again. Taunting, indeed.

Last Sunday, I was one of the acolytes in the altar. Sitting quietly as the Lectors read the scriptures, letting the words sink into my senses as I absently jump my eyes from one person to the other on all the people attending the mass, the congregation of the Lord. My eyes snapped on a figure of a woman hurrying to get to the seat at the back. My eyes seemingly have widened, like I have been staring into a blinking cursor or more appropriately, a woman's image with a spotlight on top of her head. It did not take a second for me to recognize her, like I already knew her from head to toe. Her face brightened from the color of the shirt she was wearing, her hair tousled loose like she just roll from the bed and forgot to comb her hair. I knew I felt suddenly conscious walking in the altar, following Father Laurent wherever he goes, that's my job. I even almost tripped when I accidentally stepped on the edge of my alb when I stood up from kneeling down, holding a bell. After the mass, she walked toward the altar, I thought she saw me, I actually thought she had recognized me, just as I recognized her. But I was wrong, as I have proved after standing a few minutes just looking at her.

She didn't see me, apparently. She looked so fazed when I finally approached her, having waited for a long time for her to jerk her head up and see me standing in the steps of the altar where I have been watching her as she prayed…lost in her thoughts.

I was battling between happiness and reluctance. Happy because I have been praying to see her again…ever since I met her; and reluctant because I know what and where this will lead me to. And now I have proved what it did to me.

But our conversation was short-lived. She said she wasn't feeling well and hurried out. She didn't even shake my hand. Now all I could do was to wait for her to show up again. But she hadn't. It has been two weeks since; I have been faithful checking every attendee in the mass, everyday. But she never attended the mass again, even on a Sunday. I began to wonder if she just happened to waltz in our church. I mean it happens, people checking out cool old churches around. The church of St. Ignatius was pretty cool, old, ancient and historical. She must have been into a school tour or some sort.

An idea sprung into my head, _could she be studying at St. Anne? _A light chuckle came out of my mouth, muffling my singing, _but why isn't she hearing the mass anymore?_

I noticed everyone's head snapped to face me. Jacob's face was red, miffed and his eyes glaring. I realized I have sung way off the song, everyone had already stopped and I was still singing, humming actually. I twitched my lips in apology, raising an eyebrow. _Let it go dudes, _I whispered in my head,it's not like it never happened to any of us before. And I was referring to not just the way-off singing—of a church choir, but most importantly, the way-off thoughts of a seminarian, who—for the sake of all that's holy, would soon to be ordained.

_I think they call this, deep shit. I am in deep shit. Even better, fucking deep shit._

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A/N

Even better, a church choir in a black cassock...yumminess. Where could you find this utterly daunting Edward yet so effing taunting idea to do him...still? Hehe...journey with me through the road of unbelievable forbidden-ness, join me in hell, will ya? (well, not in the real sense of the word)

:D

You have to review my story you guys, so I'd flood my updates. I promise.

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NOTA BENE**

For disclaimer and author's basic note, please see PREFACE in the first page. Thank you.


	11. Chapter 10 The Color of Friendship

**10 – THE COLOR OF FRIENDSHIP

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**BELLA

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Saturday, again. I decided to have a visit to the church. I've been very lax, not minding to hear mass on Sundays, the days of obligation, it has been two Sundays, tomorrow will be the third, but I really don't want to see him again. _Edward. _I sighed, feeling a small smile crept on my lips, _Edward…Edward, sounds really cool, old yet sounded like a sensitive character in a love story. _I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror of my vanity table, my eyes were bright, and the small yet knowing smile I have was still apparent. I huffed, rolling my eyes on my reflection. "Fuck Bella. That guy is the most unavailable guy you could ever think of. You are no match to your opponent…God." My heart felt a tiny pinch as I tried to talk myself out through my reflection, of the misery I have been swimming into, the one I have been hiding ever since it happened to me. Well of course it wasn't that complicated last month when all I know was that I have fucked a complete stranger while I was drunk. Suddenly everything had changed when I saw him again, all handsome and sweet and meek on his black gown. "Oh stop it you whore!" grumbling as I throw my brush on top of the dresser knocking a few of the tiny bottles originally sold with a promise that it would make you feel beautiful and happy.

I feel beautiful alright, but I wasn't happy. No, not at all. Not now that I have learned that the person I thought was a miracle sent by heaven to make me feel somewhat revived was after all sent to whirl my life even faster, crazier. I stopped for a moment, glancing absently on the bristles of the brush with my hair strands twirling all around it, like a vine tying every bristles together. I sighed suddenly realizing that on the other hand, he could have been thinking of me as sent by the devils to derail him.

Feeling a constriction in my chest, I stood up and made my way to the door. I need to see an old Friend.

Alice was sitting on the chair, her foot plopped on the seat as she laboriously painted her nails with a gold nail polish. I have invited her to come with me in the church, but she just gave me a rundown of the things she needed to do. Sensing she was just avoiding the idea of the church, I gave up right away, leaving myself wondering how a person studying in a catholic school could avoid a church.

"I'll see you later." I mumbled behind her, my hand already on the knob of the door.

She jerked her head up, still holding the brush of the polish, waving it in the air, "Yeah. Should I cook you something?" She asked, busily rummaging her nail kit for something…a cotton ball. "I'll be eating breakfast later" chuckling, she drenched the cotton ball with the acetone fluid in a white bottle standing near the edge of the table. She must have mess her nail when I suddenly talked behind her.

"Breakfast for dinner? That would be great. I'll be fine though, don't mind me. I'll see you later." I muttered, laughing softly as I exited the room shaking my head.

This is college life. You get to live on your own, eat what you want, wear what you want, sleep whenever you want. No parental guidance, no curfews, no grounding. Walking down the stairs, my hands pulling the fuchsia tank top I was wearing under a wrap-around black cardigan, I felt the familiar pang of homesickness. If my mother was here, I could have been grounded for missing a church service and most probably dragged out of St. Anne to transfer into a new school if she learned I had a one night stand with a guy who's studying to be a priest.

I let rays of the afternoon sun bathe me, hopelessly trying to dry up whatever this strange feeling I was having. It wasn't really strange; I know what this feeling is called. It's called, infatuation. I am infatuated, and what made it strange is the fact that I am a huge fan of Catholicism, so as my parents, and yet I found myself wishing Edward wasn't one of those guys called to serve the Lord.

Being a few hundred steps away from him don't even help, if it did, it made my debilitating infatuation worst. Debilitating in the sense that, I could not sleep properly, thinking about him and those gray eyes twinkling from the lights. The eyes I have now associated with the blurred image of the angel faced guy I had sex with, who turned out to be one and the same guy. I always find myself drifting to those memories even if I was inside the classroom supposedly occupied with deliberations a normal college student would have.

Alice had been eyeing me conspicuously every time we sprint going to our campus, passing the gated school of the sexy men in black and white robes who turned out to be fucking seminarians. I was so close to asking her to bring her Porsche to school. We would be the center of attention for sure, but that is not why I was wishing for her to drive us to school. It was Edward, I don't want him to see me again. And as much as I wanted to see him again, a million times would be quite cheesy but that is what I wanted to do, if only; I don't think I would be of any help for him. A fucking temptation would be a better term.

He might be as friendly as shit when I saw him in the church, but who knows what he really feels. He did look pretty troubled in Virginia with Jasper, probably realizing who I was. But I can't believe he recognized me, while I…_Ugh! That's what you get for being so fucking drunk. _I grated my jaws, fixing my eyes on the gate of the church as I approach, _he could be hating you right now, you know that?_

I left my anxiety for a while, tucking it inside my brain. I have a very long night to think about it, again. My eyes marveled on the entrance of the compound where the church stood proudly in the middle. It has a gate, a black gate with its paint already chipping. It was open wide, resting on the side of the wall. The corners of the wall have a Victorian style, like the ones you see in ancient coliseums. Outside, you could see the wall was wrapped with leaves of a vine plant that looked like lily leaves. My brown flat-soled gladiator sandals tapped loudly on the ground made of Belgian blocks; it looked polished, even shiny, obviously telling that it has been there for quite a long time. Surrounding me was a huge wall, like a fortress, the church at the end of it, I could see balusters topped the walls just beside the gate. Huge trees stood proudly beside the walls, they were old trees, their swaying leaves are abundant, green contrasted with the tiny yellow flowers which some have already fallen on the ground, almost covering it.

I passed the fountain, throwing only a glance on it, noticing shiny things at the bottom. _Probably some sort of wishing fountain. _I quickened my pace toward the church, guided by the tap of my sandals on the ground. The air smelled so sweet, I wonder if that was from the flowers of the trees around.

Feeling utterly conscious, I ghosted toward the corner at the back rows of the pews. I really don't want to attract anymore attention from someone I would hardly notice without my eye glasses. Realizing I should have brought my glasses, I cursed over and over, catching myself afterward, feeling embarrassed when I glanced on my shoulder and saw a statue of St. Peter looking at me. "Sorry," I muttered with a voice so low as I could make. I began thumbing on the beads of my rosary, starting it with a deep sigh, calming myself, preparing it for yet another conversation with my old Friend, which I almost know what I'd say even if I have not start praying yet. I have been talking to Him about the same thing over and over, unclear of my intentions, yet I know, He knows what's inside my heart, even if I don't vocalize it.

Calm came faster than I expected, with my eyes closed, my hands clasped together, with the black Rosary dangling on my right hand; the scent of incense, burning candle, intermittent chirping of church birds, warm air with a hint of cold breeze sent me to the place I wanted to go, right in front of my dear old Friend.

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The sun was on its way to sinking in the horizon when I finally decided to go home. The cold air of upcoming autumn breezed and whiffed me, sending my hair flinging all around my face, teasing it with its tips. The sweet scent seemingly concentrated in the park-slash-fortress-like compound was still there. Birds were humming a tune so distinct a musician won't have a hard time writing notes of it. I saw a couple walking on top of the walls; stopping for a while to stare on them, I realized that the wall has a walkway, a promenade on top of it. _That's so cool._ Astounded, I spun slowly letting the whole picture of the place sink into me. There were two large flower boxes on each side of the pathway leading to the church. The church has an oval shaped roof, kind of like the Vatican's dome. The wall covered in what looked like centuries-old moss stretches from the roof of the church toward the side in a square manner. On the wall near the church were niches with a half-circle sort of covering, a_re those…tombs? _ I felt my lips fell open. _Yeah…I think so. _Conversing with myself, I squinched, trying to figure out if what my blurred eyesight saw were really tombs, ancient looking tombs, in the wall…some of them open, some have broken covers.

A shiver running in my spine sent my hair standing stiff. I turned around hastily, walking toward the gate, enclosing my body into a tight hug, my hands rubbed on the material of my cardigan. I wasn't a scaredy-cat kind of person, but I promised myself I won't go alone inside the church again. Not when there's like less than a handful of people inside, no.

As I was hurrying out, my eyes drifted on several oval-shaped pathway made of cobblestone, obviously leading to someplace near the wall. I stopped and briefly glanced on my phone that I pulled at the back pocket of my jeans. It was five o-clock. My eyes darted on the sky, unprompted, seeing it still alive with blue hue; I shrugged and proceeded to find the end of the cobblestone. I wandered my eyes around, feeling light and cheerful with the sight of tall roses in different colors. A sign in a white wood placard painted in dark green said DO NOT PICK THE FLOWERS. I chuckled silently, I could have been tempted to nip one; they were really nice roses, obviously well taken care of. Sighing I continued walking, shrugging the memory of my mother's garden.

The stoned semi-circle patches that were almost shrouded with Bermuda grass ended after a slope into a huge statue of Mother Mary under a carved stone that resembles a cave. A grotto. A smile beamed into my face. I sat at the edge of one of the benches in either side, made of huge stones polished for comfort. My eyes trained on the statue of the Mother of Christ, Mother Mary, my mother had always urged me to follow on her steps, if not entirely which is utterly impossible, in principles at least. Her eyes were looking straight, away from me, if not in the sky. Her palms together, a rosary dangled between them, "The Lady of the Holy Rosary_,_"I murmured, my voice reverberating on the empty alcove, my eyes instantly land on the statues, little ones in her feet, kneeling, looking up at her…the three children who saw the apparition in Fatima, "Our Lady of Fatima." I snorted, all to myself, or so I thought, remembering the teachings my Religion teacher had impart to us. I didn't even realized I had them stashed somewhere in my brain.

"You know a lot."

A hard jolt kicked my chest, I thought my heart jumped out of my ribcage. I literally fell from the stone bench, almost hitting my butt on the stone ground if I wasn't quick to grab on the stone for support. My phone jumped out of my hand from my sudden movement, landing far away from where I could see it, _and I thought I was not a scaredy-cat_. I turned around slowly, looking down. I had a pretty good idea whose voice startled me like I have been stabbed with a sharp knife made out of plane hard ice.

My eyes landed on a pair of clean looking feet nicely tucked in a pair of black flip flops, my phone beside it. I locked my gaze on my phone, following it as it was picked up by long fingers, until it stopped moving, right beside the face of the one person I have been trying to avoid. His eyes were boring holes on my soul, his lips in a flat line that resembled a smile.

There was a daunting hammering inside my chest, I could not find the words to say, just like the last time we met. All I could do was twitch my lips, letting my gaze fall from his eyes down to his long lean nose, his inviting lips and then to his chin and his pronounced jaws, light stubble was visible all around his jaw, shimmering brown like his hair with the rays of the setting sun seeping through the canopy of the huge trees like a ray of light from the heavens highlighting the angel sent from up above. _Shit, stop it Bella! _I almost startled with the silent protest of my brain against my thoughts.

I alerted like a fucking character in a horror film when he stepped toward me. My head seemed to be blank, and if it wasn't, it was because it was full with Edward's image, embossed and flickering and highlighted and all that shit. I could be looking like a total idiot. My teeth instinctively covered my lower lip, afraid I could be smiling like a moron. He extended his arm once again, but my eyes darted on his eyes, I have no idea why. I must have a huge question mark on my eyeballs, because he then lowered his eyes onto his hand that was extended towards me. I followed his gaze and found my phone sitting perfectly and snugly on his palms, clasped with his long fingers.

Pursing my lips I stepped toward him and picked the phone which he twirled between his index finger and thumb so as not to touch my hand when I grab it…or probably the other way around, so I won't be able to touch his hand when I grab my phone. I needed to sigh before I could mumble a fucking simple, "Thank you," which I didn't expect would come out so soft and sweet sounding. I wanted so badly to slap myself, left and right cheek, I mean, I have been avoiding him and yet here I am so sprightly excited when I saw him.

I didn't look at Edward, afraid to see his reaction to my apparent show of gratitude which sounded more of a flirt, I shoved my phone back to my pocket and then immersed my eyesight with the tiny yellow flowers that was covering the cobblestones in the ground, my ears sensitive and attentive to any sound he's going to make. But he was still standing in front of me. Both his hands were now behind him. I ran my eyes from the ground, passing on his toes onto his blue jeans with tears and holes that obviously was a design rather than from being worn too much. I must be losing my mind, here I am, in front of the grotto of the Virgin Mary, chewing the inside of my lips as I eyed the bulge that seemed to be so obvious on those tight fitting jeans. I could almost see the flesh color of his skin underneath the white t-shirt that was now hugging his belly and his chest from being pulled with his arms behind him. My brain teased me with the image of Edward that night inside his car, my fingers grazing on that muscle-less yet fit abs of his.

My eyes fluttered when it finally landed on his face. He was looking at me; a smug smile was playing on his mouth. _Fuck me, he must have noticed me eye-fucking him. _The sun was now ready to dive in the horizon, leaving the sky stained with yellow, red and blue streaks, the soft light bounced on Edward's brown hair, making him look, bewitching, even more than he already is. The pin lights started to turn on one by one from the ground almost hidden on the grass, casting a muted glow like a lighted path. I huffed lowly, trying hopelessly to shrug the uber insensitive thoughts I was having.

Edward cleared his throat, making me snap my head toward him, again, _so fucking obviously infatuated, _"I saw you hurrying," he said, the words muffled, _oh the voice that seemed to be coming from deep inside him;_ seeing later that he had put a finger on top of his lips, I couldn't help my thoughts from wandering away from my body reminiscing how those red lips felt like cotton candy, _fuck me, drag me to hell right now_. "Are you avoiding me?"

I didn't expect him asking me that question, heck, I didn't expect him to see me at all. I didn't even notice him. _Fucking myopia. _I chanced a soundless gasp of air, furrowing my brows into an intimidating and a trying hard sensuous appearance, "How the fuck am I going to continue my spiritual life with you lurking around?" My words hit me like a yoyo bouncing back right where it came from. _I…stupidly, inadvertently admitted that I was fucking affected with his presence, fuck me._

He chuckled, with only the sporadic sound of air coming from his nose. His eyes twinkled, just as I fucking remembered in the club. His right hand moved from behind him, extending it toward me. As I followed with my eyes, already half-expecting he'd be shaking my hand again just like last time, _and I would, this time_, I didn't find his hand ready to shake mine, instead, his hand was holding a green long stem with a yellow rose on top of it.

I know my eyes glowed, I almost felt it like there was a spark coming out of it. I didn't expect he'd give me a flower, _he'd nipped in the pathway, even if the sign clearly said 'no fucking nipping dude'_, I am already a bad influence to this guy. But surprisingly, it didn't feel as bad as I was thinking it would. I actually felt…good, excited and elated even.

When I gazed back on his face, it was decorated on those sweet lips curled into a smile, the smile I think I recognized. "I want to be your friend," he said in a soft voice, "can we start over again?" My eyes traveled and met his, they were…solemn, beseeching probably is the best term. I could not say no to a face like this, _God help me. _I smiled, this time, I knew it was a wholehearted—fucking real, smile.

"My name is Edward…Edward Cullen. I study in the seminary just behind these walls," he muttered with a cheerful voice, straightening up, extending his hand that was holding a flower, toward me, and then he sighed, the cheer in his voice a moment ago had died just as fast as it flashed, replaced with a vigorous tone yet cheerless, "I am to be ordained this year," lowering his head, glancing probably on his feet, away from my eyes, hiding his face, Edward mumbled almost choking, "as a Deacon."

I could feel the air coming out of my nose staggered, obviously measured, controlled as I silently cleared my throat, I wouldn't want my voice to falter, my eyes locked on his hidden face as I extended my hand. His head slowly snapped up when he felt my hand pulled and slipped the yellow rose he was offering me.

"I am Bella Swan," I muttered desperately hiding whatever fucking unsolicited feelings I was having, clenching my jaw afterward feeling an unexplainable creep of something inside it. He didn't put down his hand instead kept it open, his eyes locked to mine, flickered and narrowed, his lips tightened into a small smile when I extended my hand once again, clasping his, to shake his hand…finally.

I hid my face on the rose bud, hiding the expression from the painful throb my heart made when my palm came in contact with his, both our hands seemed to be on tremors, and not from the shaking movement we're doing, but from a quiver deep inside our bodies. A flood of memories suddenly gushed into my head. _Edward massaging my feet; easing the wayward hair that had fallen out of my bun and most of all him saying he's not sorry for having sex with me. _I now know that feeling that one would have when they finally met the one person they have been waiting for, soul mate--was that the right term?

My eyes fluttered, trying desperately to blink the tears I know was already getting ready to flow down my cheeks. _All kinds of wrong. _Looking back intently on his eyes, I mumbled with a crackling voice, "I am taking Communications…in the college in front of your seminary." I swallowed hard, dispelling the painful lump on my throat, darting my eyes on the fresh, partially blossomed yellow rose I was holding, my lips twitched into a smile, happy yet sad.

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A/N

I would love to receive yellow roses from you, because IF I could I would give you the color of friendship. Thank you all for your clickies and your untiring sparing of your time to review my work. It really meant a lot to me, esp during fail times.

x

~m

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NOTA BENE**

For disclaimer and author's basic note, please see PREFACE in the first page. Thank you.


	12. Chapter 11 Now You Can See Me

**11 – NOW YOU CAN SEE ME

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**EDWARD

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I was just having my usual moping episode in the walls of the church when out of the corner of my eyes, I saw her. I know it was her, I could have been mistaken given the tiny bit of second that I saw her figure went inside the church hurriedly, I startled in my comfortable position like I have been hit by a baseball ball flying down out of nowhere. I stumbled to my feet, taking two steps of the treachery cracked stairs of the old promenade. I was determined to come inside the church and find her, talking to myself that I won't allow to lose her again, without knowing where she lives, that is. But as I near the wide opened door, I quickly saw her; she's kneeling on the back row of the benches, in the corner, in the dark. She might have her back on me, but I am pretty sure it was her. Her uneven layered long brown hair flows freely on her back, the cocoa tint of it contrasted on the black top she was wearing.

Sitting inconspicuously on one of the flower boxes, I waited outside, peeking from time to time to check if she hasn't leave. After a few minutes of waiting that actually felt like an hour, she emerged from the church, wearing a smile, her eyes wandering around. I actually thought she saw me, but apparently she did not. Bella was busy thinking of something, her eyes fluttering, her lips twitching like murmuring something only she could hear. She must have been marveling on the architecture of the compound of the church, I suddenly found myself making a promise that I will bring her one day on the walls especially in my favorite part, that is if she will even talk to me.

Walking a distance away from her, I followed, my eyes never leaving her figure. I entertained myself with the way she walked, her hair swaying side to side, some of them flying twirling from the soft breeze of the wind. I saw her stopped and hesitated yet proceed after a moment to the Grotto. I wanted to make whatever conversation we could be having a little special than the ones we had, so as stealthily as possible, I yanked a flower in the garden that belong to the Lady of Fatima, mouthing a heap of apologies to her in a form of a prayer. I knew I chose the right flower after hesitating for a moment of which color should I pick. I don't want to give her a wrong impression.

Now her eyes glimmered from the glint of the lights buried on the grass. She had purposely hidden her expression behind the yellow rose I have given her. My palm burned from her touch, I could feel the electricity that seemed to have run to my whole body coming from her. My heart slowed down from the racing stint it was having a few minutes ago when I followed her here. And by the time I let go of her hand, it felt like it was already burning, it suddenly sweat yet it felt oddly cold.

"So does it mean Jasper is a seminarian too?" She muttered, pulling me from my wandering thoughts. I was taken off-guard, suddenly hearing her unabashed voice, her eyes were cracked into what look like a smile, I knew my lips crawled into a smile too, feeling the calm that was now lingering in the air.

"You don't know?" I chuckled, raising an eyebrow, "He's been hiding it from his townsfolk huh?"

She shook her head, but did not reply, instead she sat absently on the bench again, in which I copied, sitting on the other bench facing her.

"He has been…as long as I have," I recalled, putting a cheer on my voice, trying to, for once, forget the fact that I will become a priest in a matter of a blink, so it seems.

I started recalling and telling her how I met Jasper in the preparatory seminary seven years ago, describing her how thin and lanky Jasper was. She had been giggling, her soft laughter felt like dull knives being thrown to my heart trying to pierce it. It was so sweet, it hurt. I found myself drawn to its sound that I was wishing I was once again so near her that it would echo inside my eardrums like the giggle that was so religiously giving me goose bumps every time I remembered it.

I could be making fun of the times Jasper and I spent together in the seminary, but my eyes were focused and never left her face, and even if it did, it was just to turn away from her brief gazes that seemed to burn my soul. She had been hiding her gaze from me by playing on the stem of the flower she was holding, twirling it, thumbing the petals and sometimes just plain sniffing it. Our laughter soon echoed in the hollow walls of the grotto adjacent to the wall when she shared a story about her and her friends getting 'gaga' as she worded it, over Jasper. My face felt rejuvenated. I could never think of a moment I smiled and laughed like this. I might not be throwing a huge booming guffaw like Emmett, but this laughter is not familiar to me, something that I rarely use like the black leather Florsheim oxford shoes my grandfather gifted me when I passed the preparatory, before he died.

The air was becoming cooler, the night had fallen, and only the dull light on the grass was aglow, aside from the muted lighting on top of the walls. The sky was dark, there were stars lazily twinkling above, but the moon was nowhere to be seen. The wind was blowing the leaves and the tiny flowers of the huge old-looking trees, falling into us like a shower of flowers. Her hair swayed back and forth, the tips taunting her cheeks. I was lost in admiring her flower draped hair when she pulled out something on her pocket and started to wring her hair pulling it into a messy bun, tucking a wayward lock of hair behind her ear. My eyes fluttered in even more astonishment. I think I just saw the angel from the club once again. The faint light was masking her face into a fake glow, her eyes fluttering as she thumbed her hair off of the tiny flowers.

"So these are where the sweet scent is coming from," she mumbled, looking at one particular flower nestled between her forefinger and thumb briefly sniffing it, while her other hand was swooshing something that was circling her, a mosquito probably.

I stood up, easing my pants, "yeah, they fill the air especially when it's cold," I muttered, but I was actually talking about her scent that I have easily compared from the scent of the flowers that were slowly falling down like raindrops.

She stood up too, still invisibly swatting the mosquito that was annoying her, she followed my gaze on the inviting subtle lighted walls, "I saw people walking there this afternoon," muttered Bella making a full circle spun. Only turning back to face me when I mumbled, "I'll bring you there one of these days."

I felt the inside of my lip ached unaware that I was biting it. Her eyes glimmered, I eased up from the momentary tense I felt from the spontaneous blurt of thoughts, and a new smile dawned on my face when she teased raising an eyebrow as she gingerly touched the petals of the yellow rose, "I'll hold you to that."

Chuckle is all I could do, glancing on my feet nestled on my black flip flops, it felt bare. I noted to myself that I would never wear flip flops again even if I would just go to put the trash out.

"Let's go have a dinner?" I blurted, out of the borrowed guts from the earlier promise I made, thumbing my hair away from my forehead. But she smiled shyly, looking under her lashes, "No…you don't have to do that," she started, but I quickly spoke again, shrugging the oncoming feeling of rejection.

"No, I insist."

She tilted her head, her eyes probably studying the expression I have in my face, smiling with her cheeks slightly appled. I have no idea what expression was drawn in my face but I was fairly sure I have a smile somewhere there, "please, I insist. You're new here, I can show you around."

I was mentally counting until she gives me an answer, a trick I have learned so long ago when I was feeling anxious, but I was nowhere near five when she huffed pursing her lips afterward, "alright."

As we walked away from the grotto, I glanced back on the statue of the Virgin Mary looking on the darkened horizon. I silently murmured, "thank you for understanding."

The restaurant I decided to bring her in was a few meters walk from the church. I kept on checking on her if she was still feeling alright walking a distance, but she just kept on answering, "I'm fine, don't worry." I was silently smacking myself for not inviting her first back to the seminary to get my car.

We spent the whole dinnertime talking about stuff about Caceres and the seminary. She asked me some stuff like, "How come you could stay out of the seminary, I thought seminarians are suppose to be locked inside the quarters, like some prisoner," to which I answered thoughtfully between munching and a huge gulp of my soda, especially when our gaze met, "A seminary is not a prison, in the minor seminary where I came from, down at Vermont, we might have been restricted to go out like this, but that was because we were, umm, children so to speak, we needed discipline. But now, here in major seminary, the administrators probably found it no reason to keep us locked in our quarters, but not because we are highly disciplined individuals already, but because, yeah, like what I've said, they don't want us to think that a seminary is a prison, we have learned the values of the discipline imparted to us when we were younger, and they just expect us to practice it here…probably."

"So does it mean, like, you come and go?"

My boring, colorless life seemed to sound so interesting now that she's the one asking me about it, "Not really. We stay indoors as much as possible, but it wasn't like before. I don't know, I guess you can say simply put, it wasn't that strict anymore."

My eyes crinkled when she sighed and then another question came out of her smiling lips, I have expected that, with just the shortest time we spent talking, I have noticed she has the mannerism of opening her mouth slightly and then snapping it back before she talks, like she was rethinking what she was about to say. I could almost see it coming.

"Is that why you're in Mariana?"

_Ah yes, Mariana, the place where I met her, the place of the club._ She must have been thinking about it all along. Why not, what could a seminarian be doing in a place so far from the seminary, not to mention a club? I sighed, putting down my fork. I clenched on the glass of soda, taking comfort on the beaded drops of moisture from the melting ice inside it.

"My classmate back in Vermont relocated to Mariana, he invited me to come for a visit in his new apartment, and then brought me there…in the club, I mean."

She nodded. My eyes zeroed on her hands playing on the lip of her glass while her eyes were glowing from probably something playing on her mind as she was looking on my already empty plate.

"What about you. You and your friends looked like you were having a celebration then," I asked trying to pull the spotlight on me, yet I wanted to add that I noticed she look like she was having some sort of escape, escape from what, I have no idea, and I wanted to know but I just bit my lip, restraining me from asking. _Now is not the time for that._

She took a sip on her twirled green straw, pulling her eyes in a comical gesture, she couldn't hide her smile from me, I was looking intently on every twitch her lips made, "it's just a last celebration, me and my friends won't be clubbing in a long while…" she snorted.

"I didn't know you were from Virginia, had I know I could have not let you take a cab." I mumbled, her image wearing a brown wrinkled tube dress flashing into my head, making me smile, "you didn't even let me drive you home."

She blushed, _Oh my Lord, she blushed. _I couldn't keep my smile from pulling my lips wide, I never saw her blush before, and she was so cute with it coloring her cheeks. I might have seen her all flushed and sweaty but this is nothing compared to it, so pretty.

"I didn't, did I?" She muttered lowering her head, her gaze moved away from me. "Well, that has kept you away from a lot of trouble." She added as she seemed to chew on her lower lip..

I wanted to disagree, I wanted to correct her that this wasn't trouble at all for me, and if it was, I have welcomed it with open arms like a dog that came back from hunting dog food in the neighbor's kitchen. I wanted so much to tell her if she calls this trouble, then she should know letting her go home without me didn't keep me away from it. But I strangled myself.

I just realized, I must have made her uncomfortable so I tried to make a new route for our conversation, until we decided it was late and we needed to go home.

"You live in Trent?!" I couldn't help bulge my eyes as we walked toward the direction of the church. It wasn't because I know Trent was a fancy apartment, but it was mainly because it was so near the seminary that I could in fact see its building just by standing outside the fence of the seminary apartments, not to mention in my very own windows.

She nodded, silent as we walked with measured steps, with me playing with the stem of the rose I held for her, carefully nipping the thorns blindly. As we passed the church and then now in front of the seminary, I noticed she was slowing down, and I just realized, she must have think I will be leaving her walking alone home. Finally she stopped, just right in front of the closed gate of the seminary.

I chuckled, looking away, my eyes on the building of her apartment, wondering which of those rooms were hers; it would be so easy to think of our very near proximity if I know which direction to look when I am missing her. Inside of me, I was smiling on how absurd my mind was running these days. In front of the seminary, the institution I have long sworn to keep as my home, and yet here I am with a girl, and not just any girl, the girl I think I have been waiting for to come; indirectly wishing I was living in her room rather than the rectangular room I shared with two other always clashing individuals.

"Just so you know, that is the entrance to the school, that one over there is the entrance to the seminary apartments," I teased, with a soft chuckle lightly jerking my head in the direction I was pointing. "And in case you don't know," I mumbled, looking on the direction of her apartment, "I am a much more gentleman than the one you met in the club."

A low giggle, purposely let out just for her self to hear made me throw my eyesight back to her and saw her looking at her apartment too, with a smug smile. "Let me walk you home, and this time, I won't accept no for an answer."

She bit her lower lip, glanced briefly on the gates of the place I call home and then started on her feet, mumbling, "Demanding, are we?"

We were silent all the way to the downhill walkway towards her apartment, contrary to what I was expecting, the entrance of the two-storey building was in the other side of the road, right side, away from the gate of the seminary.

She mumbled a cheerful yet soft thank you when I handed her back the thorn less yellow rose. A gust of cold breeze blew her hair and a lock strayed to the center of her face. I have no idea what came over me, but I strode toward her in one quick step, and eased it way, tucking it with the rest of the wayward hair that has fallen out of her messy bun.

Catching myself, I mouthed an apology and then stepped a little backward. Her face looking in her side grayed by the low light coming from the gate lamp was beaming, shy yet beaming, I had to smile. I cleared my throat that seemed to have shrunk from the expression I caught from her that made my heart race faster, "I'll see you in the mass tomorrow?" I muttered softly it could have been a whisper, for a moment I thought she didn't hear me.

But she chuckled, and the moment I pulled my head up to look at her, she was already looking at me, not in my eyes, but somewhere within my face, like she was measuring my emotions. I wonder if she could read the real emotions I was hiding. "I don't know…you seem to see me a lot." She muffled her words hiding her smiling lips behind the rose, again.

My curiosity suddenly sparked, "Yeah why is that, you seem to not see me at all, like I am invisible, sometimes I was thin--…"

She was quick to cut me, laughing, her shoulders trembling, "I don't really see you, not really. I have this case of myopia, an eye malfunction thingy, and rather than straining my eyes beyond what it could do, I simply decide to drop it and not try," she explained rolling her hands trying to explain nearsightedness with light as if it was something she has just picked up in day care.

Fingering the bangs of her hair and then later pulling the black band tying her hair into a bun making her hair swayed down to her shoulders, letting the sweet scent of vanilla fill the air temporarily, she turned away from me, walking towards the gate of her apartment, but then halfway turned back with a smile in her face, "In any case, the things I needed to see turn just…right in front of me…to see." She mumbled, stumbling with words, and then she batted her lashes, pointing me the bud of the yellow rose, she said softly that sounded like a cotton ball rolling on a thin piece of paper, if that has sound at all, "Goodnight Edward. Thanks for the dinner," she stopped for a while, sighed and then added, smiling, "and yeah, thanks for the yellow rose."

And by those words, she spun around, never looking back, holding the stem of the rose between her fingers while she sniff its scent once again. I started to walk away when she disappeared from the stairs, still wearing a stupid smile in my face. My hand was shoved in my pocket while the other, my right hand was on top of my heart, almost counting every beat it made.

Leaves rustled from the blowing wind, the hem of my shirt flapped, my pants hugged the back of my legs, I tentatively closed my eyes, saying a prayer, a wordless prayer that I knew I need not utter nor think, because He already knew what it was all about.

And then the air smelled bacon.

* * *

A/N

Weee...dinner with bacon and a yellow flower. Alice must be wondering right about now.

Thank you for your time. Now here's your yellow flower ---333 and your streaky bacon SssSSs.

xoxo

* * *

**NOTA BENE**

For disclaimer and author's basic note, please see PREFACE in the first page. Thank you.


	13. Chapter 12 The Light of Doubt

**12 – THE LIGHT OF DOUBT

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**

**EDWARD

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**

God, I never thought my name sounded so sweet, but it did, it does, apparently, coming from those shimmering puckered lips. I have always hated my name, it was from my grandfather, and I remember my mother would always tease me how much my Grampy loves me, giving me everything he has, including his name. They never understood why I have always wanted to have it changed when I was in high school, it never sounded cool, boring probably, like an old person. It was only when I heard Bella said my name that night outside her apartment that I realized I actually liked that name. I even thanked Grampy for his name on my way back to the seminary apartments.

For the first time since I entered the seminary seven years ago, I found myself glaring at my prayer book that laid on top of my bed side table, untouched. Lying in my bed again, the red digital clock beside me read 3:45, yet I still could not find sleep, rain is tapping on my window, streaks lining, dropping like snakes easing its way down, glistening from the glare of the nearby street lamp post. The small rectangular room I was sharing with Jasper and Jacob was dark with only the red light indicator of the electric socket glowing from near the door. The room was filled with the scent of Jacob's closet, a mix of laundry and flowery scent cloth conditioner. They were sleeping, probably dreaming of something that made them hum like babies, filling the room with buzzing noise competing with the rhythm of the rain.

I've been seeing Bella. She might have not seen me as often I see her, but her cheerful, warm yet sultry aura was enough to get me by each day with the dilemma I was having. I saw her pass every now and then in the other side of the street on her way to school while I was sitting on the green grassed lawn faking to have an inner conversation with my notes.

I've been seeing her, more formally after the Sunday Mass. The first time after we had dinner together, I hurried to catch up with her, already walking slowly in the park. We had a small chat, talking about her school and some stuff about her room mate, telling me stories about the night before, after I brought her back home from dinner. Her soft laughter pierced my heart and it had always echoed in my ears, sometimes in the most inopportune time like in prayer times when every one is silent I would caught myself giggling like a teenager with my eyes closed.

I waited behind the small gate of the seminary's apartment in the morning and afternoon to check if I'd be lucky to see her again, so I could probably walk her home or school. Last week I walked in front of her apartment, waited there for about an hour, wishing the impossible, but she never showed up. At night I'd peek on my window, seeing a portion of the building of her apartment from my window, silently wishing that the window with an open light was hers.

Last Sunday, I walked her home again, and I almost run to chase her on the stairs going up her apartment when I realized for the hundredth time maybe, that I have never asked her number. I could spare myself a lot of anxiety and moping if I could only talk to her when I needed to hear her voice. Utterly miffed of myself, I ended up making a reminder on my own mobile phone for when I see her again, I'll be sure to get her number, and that will be not until four more days.

_Look at yourself Edward, you're…crushing, _I murmured silently to myself, _no, you're in love_. Sighing audibly, I straightened to my bed, yanking my eyes away from the soothing image of dripping raindrops to fix it on the black ceiling that seemed to be falling on me.

"Enough with the sighing…"

I startled, instantaneously straining my eyes on the gray room. With the glare of his dully lighted alarm clock, Jasper spoke again, "why are you not sleeping?" He asked with a flat tone almost not opening his mouth, his eyes were still closed; all of his body was under the blue-striped comforter with only his head peeking out. I did not reply; he must have been perturbed with my non-stop moving in bed, I must have not noticed the countless creaking sound my bed made.

When I did not move and answer, he squinted to check on me. I just smiled at him, moving to lie on my side to face him. He briefly glanced on his clock, "Edward…it's almost time to wake-up and you hadn't sleep?"

I huffed with a fake tiny laughter, my bed shaking for a moment, "sorry," I said with a grainy voice. There's no way I could sing in the choir this morning service with this voice.

Still half sleep, he pulled himself up from under his blanket and seated, leaning his head on the wooden headboard, afterward pulling his blanket to cover himself again against the cold air inside the room. I followed suit. Jasper knows me, every quirk I have when I am bothered, and he had always been there to support me whenever I was having problems. But this time, I'm not sure if he will.

Yawning first and then tracing the corner of his lips with his thumb and forefinger, he cleared his throat and then folded his arms on his chest, "Okay…what's your problem?" he muttered sounding like an old brother.

Jasper was a month older than me; he was smart and very friendly. Everyone likes him even when we were in the minor seminary. I met him in preparatory seminary, yet we did not immediately become friends. I thought at first, he was phony. He talks to everyone like he knows and understands everyone's predicament. I had always competed with him academically; our professors and even our Dean have always compared us from each other. I had almost grown resentful of him until finally on the last day of classes in that small campus where everyone had the first taste of the vocation that they chose, he approached me, congratulating me while I sit motionless on the gutter facing the yellow painted wall of the school. We were two of the twenty seven pre-college seminarians who passed, finished the course out of two sections—sixty seminarians. I just buried my grandfather, a week before. He said something to me that made me appreciate him, more than ever.

"Are you scared?" His voice broke the glass of the memory I was having. I couldn't reply, instead I made a groaning sound conveying my unsure answer. Of course I am scared, but I was probably scared about something he didn't expect.

Jasper ruffled on his bed, softly banging his head on the headboard. "I know. I am too," he admitted. "I couldn't sleep Dude. It's like…finally here, all of a sudden. As if I have never thought of this before. Like I never knew that this will come." He was talking with his eyes fixed probably on the silhouette of the crucifix hanging in front of him, on the wall. "What if…this is all mistake?" He asked; his voice suddenly raspy, he tried to hide his anxiety by clearing his throat, but nevertheless showed when he spoke again, "I never dreamt of anything but this Edward. But suddenly, it was all happening so freaking fast, I feel like I was being whirled in the bottom of a deep ocean…I'm drowning…I'm suffocating."

And then there was silence. Only the soft hum of the air conditioner can be heard. The rain had stopped and so Jacob's annoying semi-snore. I closed my eyes, burdened by the words Jasper had said. Burdened because I know exactly what he meant. He said 'he felt like'…that was rather not the case for me, because I was already there, I was already drowning, I was already suffocating. But I couldn't tell him that. He was scared, he said, and a further affirmation that I was feeling the same would just add fuel to his already smothering thoughts. He needed encouragement; he needed prayers…so he'll find the way, so he'll find the light, the answer to what he's looking for.

"Being a Deacon is frightening huh?" I muttered trying to make light to our very serious conversation. Deacon is the first of the three major orders of the Holy Order. And after the diaconate, there's no going back unless you wanted to be a permanent deacon all your life, but basically its priesthood all the way. _Really frightening._

He just shook his head. A cloud of doubt, not of confusion. A doubt, not on what he believes but of what he really wanted. "Take it easy…maybe you need to--…"

"No. I don't need time to think." He quickly halted me of whatever I was trying to say, one hundred percent sure that I was suggesting he take time for a while, outside the seminary, something that almost always scare the hell out of all seminarians. The whole world outside is like a fish pond full of every kind of big and small fishes, that for us was a scary place to live being used to the comfort of the four cornered walls of our formation. And almost always, a seminarian who goes for a little 'time-out' outside, regency as we call it, never comes back. And that is the scariest thing that a third year Theology student could ever think of, I mean, Diaconate is just there, within reach. It was like the final step to begin a yet another series of steps.

"I know what I want," he added, momentarily glancing at me, "it's just…I'm not sure if I wanted it…now."

"Jasper," I muttered in a papery voice, "there is no now, or later…a now means, you forego of what could happen in the future, and a later means, inviting a change for the future…you know that…"

He feigned a strangled cough, easing on his bed, and then sighed once more. "What about you, aren't you scared at all?"

"You have no idea," I said, adding a series of sentences in my mind that only me could understand, "I'm as scared as hell Dude…I don't have anyone else to lose, there's no one else to benefit from me, no one to take care of…no one to look after…I'm alone…and if there's someone who I could offer my entire life to, it would only be God."

He sighed.

And I sighed too, putting my blanket until my chin, clutching both my shoulders under the blanket, "but I am confused, now more than ever."

He let out a bucket of air on his mouth, purring into his lips, "confused of what?"

I gnawed my jaws, pressing my eyes completely shut, Bella's face with her dangling brown hair on her shoulders danced into my eyelids, the sweet scent of vanilla coming from her hair ghosted into my nostrils like she was just beside me, "girl…"

"Edward?"

"I know," I grumbled, "I know Dude, trust me I know." I kept on repeating the words, because as a matter of fact, I know what he is about to say. _It's just a girl, there's no point in throwing everything you've toiled for a girl._ But Bella is not just a girl.

He snorted, a soft chuckle coming out of his throat, "you've had all the girls you wanted Edward, there's no point in you getting confused anymore. You have already defied the calls of the wild…" he pointed out.

He may be right. I may have had the fair share in this boy-girl relationship thing, often times rewarded with a slap in my face for turning my back on them, for the obvious reason of preferring to stay within my vows. "That's so easy for you to say, you have never fallen in love." I muttered, gritting it between my half closed mouth.

I almost jumped out of my bed when he suddenly exclaimed, "you're in love?!" A mixture of excitement and horror painted his raspy voice. "Holy Christ Edward, who the hell is this girl that had made your tail twitch like that?" Jasper sounded as if love is such a forbidden topic in our line of...life, I should say.

Letting out a long calming sigh, I straightened once again in my bed, putting both my hands tucked under my head, "she wasn't from hell Jasper, so keep hell out of this conversation," I mumbled first, "someone…so pretty she made my tail twitched in confusion…" ending my statement copying it from his own words.

"Dude, she's just—,"

"No Jasper, spare me the 'she's just a girl' mantra…it didn't work to me."

"Oh shut up you two!" Jacob sullenly grumbled, turning his back on us grumpily. "Sleep with her Edward, won't you, so you'll know if she's not one of those 'she's just girl' that Jasper is suggesting." He blabbered.

Jasper gave me a faint smile under the shades of the dark, sliding under his blanket, muttering under it with a childlike tone copying what Jacob had said, verbatim, "Sleep with her Edward, won't you, so you'll know if she's not one of those 'she's just girl' that Jasper is suggesting," laughing mockingly afterward, his head jerking from time to time.

"And you…why don't you have a good sea wind to clear up your mind. Stop spreading bad vibes all around," Jacob pulled his head up to glare on the figure of Jasper hidden inside his blanket, for a moment I wonder what Jasper could be doing under, for all I know he could be sticking his tongue out or rolling his eyes.

"Don't fight guys, please," I huffed, and clucked my tongue afterward. "There's no need to fight. All of us get to this point when we question everything that was in front of us, let's just pray everything will turn out as He wanted it to be." I muttered, my voice fading as I ended it.

I turned to my side again, my back facing them. The room silenced, smelled of stagnant ideas hanging in the air; ideas, thoughts each and every one of us have been hiding. My eyes tried to penetrate on the glass of my window, streaks of raindrops were not as frequent as a few minutes ago, and the glass was now matted by the mist from the drizzling rain.

My eyes blinded for a moment on the glaring red light of the clock, 4:01, a few more minutes, the lights in the hall will flicker open with the white fluorescence, and then a new day will begin again. I ran my fingers on the black thick prayer book I have beside the clock. It has the familiar feel of the olden leather which the cover was made of. I fingered the embossed character of a cross in the middle of a circle running my fingers down below the circle and even in the dark that I could not see where my fingers were going, I already know that it was on top of the gold lettering of my name, SEMINARIAN EDWARD MASEN CULLEN.

I have never been this troubled. Even after my grandfather died, and then my parents, I have always resorted to my vocation as God's plan for me. I have never questioned him for everything that had happened to my life, because I know, with every one that I have lost along the course of my formation, I am still lucky.

Jasper was right, and even Jacob, girls were just girls, equal to every man in society and in the eyes of God, yet, sometimes, the source of everything that crumbles a man's well built wall. A girl is almost always the reason of a man's fall, not all in bad perception though, but it seemed that there is always a girl, in every man's existence. Even in fairytales, a knight saving a bewitched princess; even in century old love story, Tristan betraying the love of his adoptive father for the love of Isolde; Lancelot and Lady Guinevere, even in the Bible, Eve…I was almost out of breath as I tried to recall every story I know of a man, ruled by woman, figuratively.

And Bella was indeed just a girl. Some girl who had shown me a new light, who have brought me a new light, to see a new road, a crossroad actually.

In seven years of defying the call of my instincts why was she sent in the most crucial time of my life? All those years I have spent frolicking with girls, exposing myself to the dangers of the flickering lights of temptations, I thought I have already readied myself for everything that was coming my way, confident that the exposure I had was enough to be able to turn my back on them, walk away unscathed, not even bothered at all.

Why do difficult tests come when you are less prepared, or better yet, why do essential tests come in all levels of difficulties even if you're prepared? Why would a test come when you're most vulnerable? It makes you question, what really is in store for you, in the coming tomorrow. If you're even really have been called.

I scooted to the edge of my bed, sitting for a moment, clutching my head feeling the dizzying effect of sleeplessness, I threw a glance once more on my prayer book, once have been the source of all my strength and belief, but today, I know I wouldn't find the answer to all my questions in all the scriptures written in there.

The method of doubt, shared by a French philosopher Rene Descartes, once a heated topic in the minor seminary had finally made way to my head. To believe on something, one needed to doubt it, first. And I was now entering the doors of doubt, brought about by the bubble of confusion that had started to spring inside my heart.

I marched noiselessly toward the huge bathroom, pulling my white towel that was draped on the backrest of my study chair. I needed to dispel the weight of sleep, and probably, if I was lucky, I could somehow find some light on the tunnel of doubt I have stepped into.

* * *

Now kneeling in front of the group of half-sleeping seminarians for our morning offertory prayer, nothing seemed to sink on me. My eyes were glaring on the huge cream candle, the Paschal candle, the symbol of alpha and omega embossed in its front facing us, _the beginning and the end, _it seemed to be shouting on me.

_Huius igitur sanctificatio noctis fugat scelera, culpas lavat  
Et reddit innocentiam lapsis  
Et maestis laetitiam.  
Fugat odia, concordiam parat  
Et curvat imperia_

The hymn, chanted by the Deacon each and every Easter night vigil seemed to suddenly echoed in my ears with utter loudness that I had to scrunched my eyes feeling the supposedly calming chant but with a loud roar, _The power of this holy night dispels all evil, washes guilt away, restores lost innocence, brings mourners joy; it casts out hatred, brings us peace, and humbles earthly pride._

My throat tightened, my hands clasped together, my fingers twined on each other like one depended on the other. My eyes focused on one single tiny circular candle amidst the other ones blazing with fire under the feet of the huge framed old portrait of the image of the Virgin Mary with the little Jesus on her arms. The wick of that single candle attracted my attention, because among others, it was the only one flickering like from an invisible whoosh of wind.

I felt a warm moisture trickled down my numbing cheeks, for the first time since my parents had died, I was crying, and I was calling their names silently in my head, _What will I do?

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_

A/N

Hehe, Edward is a cry baby calling his Daddy and Mommy.

How many men could ever feel doubt...just because of a girl, a girl like you and me? :D

Show me some love, will you? Thanks gorgeousness!!!

**

* * *

NOTA BENE**

For disclaimer and author's basic note, please see PREFACE in the first page. Thank you.


	14. Chapter 13 Signs Pointing on Both Direct

**13 – SIGNS POINTING ON BOTH DIRECTIONS

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****EDWARD

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**

I spent most of my days hiding in the corner, shying from everyone else. It was a struggle for me to eat together with the rest of the group. Their loud voices were all full of cheer. I could see the sparks in almost every eye around me. And as creepy as it seems, those who were silent were the old ones, like me, the Juniors, next in lines, soon-to-be's. There's no doubt, a huge part of them were feeling the same way as I do, as Jasper does.

Jasper rarely talked to me too, I always see him typing something in his laptop, iPod earphones stuck in his ears. He was letting his hours and days pass-by by doing his thesis. I should have done the same, but I was in no condition to write what's in my head. _A thesis of your personal thoughts, thoughts running in your head now that you were about to become a Deacon, _Fr. Clearwater's gurgling voice echoed in my head as I made my way to the empty corridor halls, the tapping sound of my worn out loafers echoed in the walls.

It was a school day, an hour of class discussing about morals, I had to skip. I let the cold air of December snaked inside my jacket, my hands taking comfort on the warmth of the pockets of my jeans. I headed to the Walls, almost jogging on the chipping steps of the circular stairs toward the main promenade. I didn't bother to look back where I came from, unmindful of what my actions of missing a class could give me. It's not like this is the first time some good seminarian had cut a class.

The trees swayed, showering me with leaves and flowers. The rough stones of the pavement of the Walls glistened from the afternoon sun. I breathed a lungful of air, drowning myself. A group of little boys were playing catch with a ball in the lawn beneath the Wall. Their laughter rose in the air like incense, it was crisp, full of life. In the distant trees, invisible birds chirped in groups. The scent of the flowers all around sent me a not so distant memory. That late afternoon chat in the Grotto, the curls of her hair swaying in her cheeks, trying to irritate her, her laughter filling the void space in the carved cave. The memory of her soft voice pinched my already tender heart. I suddenly found myself inside my car, hiding in the shadow of that night, with her, on top of me, whispering.

I clenched my jaw; resting my forehead on my arms extended to my knees. My eyes pressed tightly shut. I could smell her sweet perfume, a tinge of vanilla. Her warm breath tickled my neck as she urged me to come, burst my…longing. Her image taunted my head over and over until I found my self humming a certain tune, out of nowhere, until I have made two lines of broken musical notes at the back of my notebook.

"I miss Bella." I muttered, talking to myself loudly.

I as a matter of fact do, so much. Last Sunday, I sat behind everyone else in the choir, hiding. I know for a fact she wouldn't see me at all, and I, was trying…so hard not to look for her. The mass ended, everyone had left but the faithful old Catholics who stayed for a moment alone with their Creator, but I was hidden inside the confessional, hopelessly strangling myself against the invisible pull of the idea that Bella was probably waiting for me outside the church, where I usually catch her.

Everyday, it became harder and harder to restrain myself from doing something that I know makes me happy. It's like keeping me away from caffeine; it almost always gives me a headache. I tried so hard to refrain from checking the time, because I know, once the clock stroke nine, Bella would be walking on her way to school. I was struggling, and it was taking so much of my sanity.

The church bells suddenly rang, I tried to remember what day it was, it was just three in the afternoon, a Friday. The bell doesn't usually ring until six in the evening, in time for the Angelus. I turned to look at the entrance to the church purposely turned my back on it every time I sat here, afraid to see Bella. I didn't see Bella; instead, a crowd dressed formally loudly cheering emerged from the church followed by the individuals dressed in white and black.

I felt a hard jolt in my chest pushing me to my back, almost hitting the stone seat. I have no idea, but the first thing that came to my mind was Bella's face, partly hidden behind a yellow rose.

I jumped down to the footing of the promenade, hurrying to get to the stairs down, which were a few meters away from where I was sitting. I have no idea what I wanted to do, all I know is I wanted to see her, now.

If anyone will see me walking down the street toward Bella's block, they would think I was exercising, walking briskly, my arms thrown back and forth. My shoes squeaked on the asphalt road as I quickly crossed the street, not taking a second to look left and right for oncoming cars. I needed to get to Bella's.

The weight of the moment finally sunk to me when I was in front of Bella's apartment. _What am I going to say to her? Hi Bella, you freaking turned my life upside down…Bella, I love you, but I am going to be a priest…Will you marry me? _I marched back away from her apartment, and then back again, pacing, as series of thoughts flooded my head. I don't know what to tell her. I don't even have the slightest idea what I wanted from her. All I know was, I want her…in my life.

I jumped from the feel of my phone vibrating suddenly on my pocket. I paced again back and forth as I talked to the person calling me, Eleazar; my head suddenly sparked with an idea remembering the reason why for the second time he was calling me.

"Edward?" Eleazer greeted with a tone, his round voice seemed to be crawling out of my iPhone's tiny speaker, "you're not to forget my birthday later, alright?"

I got lost on his words, nodding silently on the things he was saying, getting only the thought of it, because I was already thinking of the words I am going to say to Bella. As I put back my phone on my pocket, I started toward the gate, running my eyes up in the second floor, _if only I know which door is hers._

On top of the stairs was a sign with an arrow pointing to the left and to the right, 201-204 _to the left, _205-207 _to the right._ _This is going to be tricky, and a lot of work. _I took a deep breath and started to walk toward the first door to my left, room 204, a red haired girl opened it, her lips covered with what looks like a blood-red lipstick, her hair was all curled up with about a dozen pink something that twirled between the locks of her hair.

"Yeah," she asked nonchalantly, quirking an eyebrow. I hesitated for a while quickly running my eyes up and down her seeing her in a very short white shorts, which I immediately regretted, because she cleared her throat in a manner that silently sent rather ugly words flying in the air.

"I'm sorry…um--," I stuttered, and then rolled my eyes inwardly looking directly on her face, "does Bella live here?"

The moment I got the words out of my mouth and her dull answer, "no", the door slammed right into my face, leaving a strong smell of a woman's perfume hitting my face. I couldn't do anything but to twitch my lips in utter amusement of what I am apparently doing, knocking on every door to ask for Bella. I didn't feel even just a little annoyance with the arrogance of the girl in room 204, because I was, in fact checking her out indecently, human instinct, I presume.

But I didn't receive all arrogance in each and every room; some of the occupants of the rooms were nice, the other one even inviting me in, which I of course didn't welcome. Two of the rooms have no answer, and after about twenty minutes I was down to only two more rooms to check, 206 and 207. A girl opened the door in the smaller looking apartment of 206, she was wearing the same uniform that Bella does, I have already half-expected that I got the right room but quickly felt hopeless with only one last chance when she answered with a shy smile that she didn't know Bella, not even from St. Anne. She even told me that everyone in the building were students of St. Anne, but she was never aware of someone called Bella.

My hope dissipated when on my last room, its door right at the end of the hall, just like the room 201, nobody answered, even after my third already anxious buzz.

Miffed and disappointed, I strode toward the stairs. I already made up my mind that I will be waiting outside St. Anne for Bella, and if all else fails; I am going to knock on everyone's door again. I desperately needed to see her.

There was a girl climbing up the stairs, she was talking on her phone, profusely giggling. Her long blond hair curled on her shoulders like the hair of the royalties back in the old century. The sharp tap of the heels of her black shoes drowned the squeaking sounds of my shoes. I wanted so badly to ask her if she knew Bella, but she just smiled and leered when I turned my face to look at her. Intimidated by the suggestive smile, I proceeded on my way.

I've been playing with the hymn I made in my head a while ago as I walked uphill on the walkway toward St. Anne. My left hand was tucked inside my pocket while the other hand was flinging back and forth with the notebook that I have planned to use to cover my face as I pass near the seminary, somewhat afraid that someone might recognize and halt me.

Walking absentmindedly, my elbow brushed with a passerby that I immediately guessed a girl from the sight of the hem of her blue skirt hanging just above her calf and her black flat shoes. I was in no mood to apologize but then the scent she left in the air hit my senses in just a fraction of second as I made my first step, making me froze. I know that scent.

But before I was able to turn around, I heard her already mumbled with a surprised tone, "Edward?" I must have looked like a robot, turning stiffly toward her, and as soon as I saw her body half twisted facing me, my eyes jumped out seeing her eyes twinkling from apparent hilarity she's seeing.

**

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BELLA

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**

I never expected to see him again, most especially coming from my apartment.

I was walking with my head down as I pass the seminary, partly because I was expecting that Edward will soon show up and will offer to walk me again like he always does before, but also because I was afraid none of my expectations will ever happen, to think he never showed up again, for almost a week now.

I have been reviewing everything that we have talked about every time we see each other, but I couldn't find any thing that might have sounded awful that could have been the reason why he had been avoiding me.

Last Sunday, I sat in the middle rows of the pews; I wanted to see him the choir, partly worried something might have had happened to him. I saw him, at the back of the choir, his head most of the time tucked in his chin. I may not have seen his face clearly, but I have grown to memorize his features that even from a distance I could pick him from a herd of men wearing black gowns. His bronze colored hair contrasted on his black clothes as well as his cream skin, not to mention the always present two-day old stubble had framed his diamond shaped face. But he never followed me outside like he usually did.

And by the middle of the week, my worries have grown into a full blown anxiety. I missed him. I have been talking myself out of getting attached to Edward, the stranger who had a face and a voice of an angel I had sex with, knowing that I will reap nothing but heartache if I get too deep into this friendship.

I know by heart I was expecting more than friendship from him. I had spent countless nights just looking at his ashen eyes fluttering inside my head. I had lain down; sleep deprived, thinking of the feel of his lips on my skin. And I have thrown a heap of prayers asking to show me a sign if I should stop my friendship with him.

The sign had been growing clearer and clearer as days passed by without seeing him. And I was already 90% sure, God wanted me to keep away from his apostle, and so I vowed.

But now this.

Edward walked closer to me; the breeze shoved the sweet scent of musk, something of old spice deep into my awareness. He was looking down, his hand twitching on his hair as the wind played on it. "I—um," he muttered, about two times, looking at me first and then pulling his eyes down again to the ground. And then finally, he reached out for my books, two thick hardbound books I was clutching on my chest. I was for a moment stunned and confused of what he wanted until his lips pressed together into a smile, his favorite smile, my favorite smile, looking down on my hands that were enclosing the books. I felt his hand grazed on the sleeve of my black cardigan that I had pulled down to half of my hands to protect them from the cold December wind.

As he got the books on his hands, he muttered, "Let's get you home."

We walked silently, until we get in front of the building, his eyes were looking on the books he was holding and I was pretty sure, he was trying to not to engage in a conversation with me. My heart was writhing in pain, and confusion. I was already pondering the thought of asking him why a sudden show-up after a week of a cold-shoulder, but for a moment my tenacity on things that would hurt me made me convince myself to somehow relish the moment, if this will last only for a moment.

I turned to face him as I near the gate, the books where between both his hands, holding it near his chest, the titles facing me. His face was so serene, his smile still playing on his lips. "Would you like to come up?" I muttered and I know my face turned red, feeling the sudden gush of warm air crept into it. I was inviting my crush inside my house, and my crush is one hundred percent unavailable. What am I doing? _You are making friends. _A defensive side of my brain answered the momentary dilemma that my conscience had suddenly brought into light.

His smile grew wider; I thought I saw a spark in his eyes. He let me lead the way in the stairs. I knew my eyes widened when I heard him spoke again, this time without a hint of hesitation, it always take fucking too long for him to warm up, "I went here," he mumbled, and even if I wasn't looking at him I knew from the sound of his voice, he was smiling.

When I got to the top of the stairs, I spun around, a little bewildered and a lot amused with his admittance. "I was looking for you," he answered my quiet query, I could feel the wobbling of my throat as I swallowed the rising of something on my mouth, _fate is fucking playing with me, _"I knocked on every door," he chuckled, tentatively looking embarrassed on the floor before he threw me a glance. His gaze smothered me; I needed to look away and take a deep breath.

My heart ached; I stopped in front of our room, at the end of the hall. He rolled his eyes throwing a glance on the number of our room that was hanging on the door, "nobody answered," he reasoned, pointing with his hand on the door. His smile faded when his eyes came back to look at me. I think I am already wearing my confused face, confusion on what he was trying to play at.

"Why?" I asked, not pertaining to the situation at hand, but the many things that had happened to both of us since we met. _Why did_ _you help me in the toilet, why did you make love with me, why did you approach me in the church, why did you befriend me, why did you leave me hanging for days…and why are you so irresistible? _I wanted to add those words, but something inside me had constricted the words from coming out.

He smiled shyly, thumbing his hair once again, _no! Not the fucking hair thing again!!! _I silently screamed, my eyes following every stroke of his long fingers in his hair. It landed on his neck, scratching, "I—umm…There is a birthday party down Vermont, my friend's," he said looking past me. I glared on him, making him shuffle on the balls of his feet, rubbing his neck with his free hand, "come with me in Vermont…please. Um, tonight, like later...tonight..." He finished with a lot of pauses, looking directly on my eyes, unmoving, just staring on my eyes even after he was done talking.

My eyes watered, looking at him for a moment without blinking. I didn't know what to say. Of course I was happy he was inviting me into a party. But must I go? I want to, but, "okay," it just burst out of my mouth, unable to control it. I gnawed my jaws, desperately trying to shun a little voice inside me that was reminding me it was not good to get attached with him.

A glow in his face made me smile back, for a moment basking on the feeling I was having, right or wrong, I didn't care. I reminded myself I was just hanging out with him, reasoning _there's nothing wrong being friends with a seminarian, _snarling on the little voice that reiterated _you don't want to be friends with him, it wasn't what you want._

My inner battle with my conscience was momentarily cut-off when he spoke again, handing me my books, "okay…I'm umm, I am gonna go, prepare. I'll pick you up at seven?"

Slightly still absentminded, I answered, already feeling my excitement beginning to grow, "Oh…umm…my friend," I said, half turning my body pointing with my thumb on the door behind me, "can I bring her?"

"Sure," he immediately answer nodding his head profusely, "no problem, I'll pick you up both."

I briefly raised my palm up, stopping him shortly, "No, I don't think that would be necessarily, Alice has a car, and she'll be so excited, I know." I mumbled, half laughing, adding shortly, "sorry…I hope it's just fine, I mean…I don't know any of your friends, and…I'd probably be more at ease knowing I know at least someone."

He chuckled, still hiding his teeth behind his lips, I wondered for a moment why he'd rather smile shyly rather than flash his sparkly teeth, I seldom see him laughing with his teeth showing, its always this sexy tight-lip smile, not that it made a difference, his smile already makes me uneasy, "Bella…I will be there, you know me. I am not to leave you alone for a second," he teased muffling his words with his shy smile, "but don't worry, your friend is welcome."

A grateful smile flashed on my face, I think. He spoke shortly, "I'll wait for you in the club, umm…it's called the Street, I don't know if…" he trailed.

I nodded and then assured him, "I think I know where it is, it was the one with a read header right? There was an Italian restaurant beside it?"

He nodded, biting his lip.

"Alright, I'll see you then, seven, or eight probably because…" trailing, my words gritted on my teeth, "we'll still be driving…" I finished now feeling somewhat embarrassed.

He mouthed a silent "yeah", nodding his head once again and then turned to go, waving a small of his hand, but then he spun around again, hesitating for a while, "Um, Bella…" he started, his lips twitching with silent words, finding the right words probably with the look in his face, "can I…can I get your number…I mean, just in case um—…"

I cut him off with a chuckle, "Alright, you don't need to make an alibi," I teased, flashing a what seemed to be a flirting smile, embarrassment quickly washed me when I saw him lowered his head as he reached for his phone, a hint of red flashed in his cheeks, his lips twisted in a hidden smile.

I tried to sound not so damn excited as I gave him my number, putting a hand in my hip, playfully intimidating him, when he finished keying in my number, I quirked my eyebrows on him, smirking as I made further attempt to tease him, "you'd better call me, or else I'll get those number back…"

His shoulders trembled from a silent chuckle, and then I heard the familiar cry of the drums beating inside my bag, I threw a glance on him as I rummaged on my bag, his lips were gaped, teasing back, his eyebrow raised, and his tongue…his fucking tongue was slightly peeking on top of his teeth. _Kill me now._

My eyes rolled comically, when I had the confirmation of who was calling me, of course it was him, and I couldn't hide the smile that was definitely showing on my face. _I am fucking flirting._

"Now you won't get your number back." He mumbled hiding his fucking sexy grin under those equally teasing smile, turning his back, "I'll see you at eight."

He had already strode down the hall, I was still standing there, flabbergasted, when I realized something, steadying my voice, "Uhh, wait," I called trying to get his attention back. When he turned around, his brows were arched from a silent question, and yet, I could not be mistaken that his eyes were crinkled from a hidden smile, _or I must be fueling my fantasy. _"Um—is your friend from the seminary too?"

He shoved his hand inside his pocket, smirking, "used to be…" he answered, his usual trailing words ending with a twitch in the corner of his lips, a smile-like twitch that was driving me fucking insane. _I don't like this, I feel like a freaking teenager._

"Oh…so does it mean, we need to dress up like…church…or what? It's a party right? I don't want us to show up like fucking…I mean…sorry, whores…It will be unfair for you if--…"

He smiled, and then, for once in this whole conversation, he chuckled; his usual timid smile grew into a grin showing his teeth, his Adam's apple wobbling on his throat. I knew my face beamed seeing him undoubtedly amused with what seemed to me as a dull question, dumb even.

"You dress up nice Bella, whatever you use," he muttered, his face suddenly turned…thoughtful, smiling back to his usual smile, "but…for whatever its worth, it's a party…and, well…" he quirked his eyebrow again, now sheepishly smiling, "I bet it's going to be a 'hell-of-a-night'," he said making a quote sign in the air. "I'll see you later, okay?" Finally ending our conversation, he turned his back, leaving me with the image of his shy smile.

I must have been wearing my elated ego when I entered the house. Alice was sitting in the couch, her notes thrown messily on the floor on her feet. She was casually flipping a shiny and colorful magazine that I was just guessing a copy of our favorite fashion magazine. "Wow…you're happy. May I know why?"

I snorted sitting across from her, picking on the open bag of chips lying on the coffee table between us. "Come on Bella," she insisted, her voice didn't sound annoyed but not amused either. She didn't look up to me; she just incessantly flipped the magazine without even looking at what was in it. "You may not be as talkative as I am, but I know when you're happy and not," she muttered.

I chuckled, partly choking from the bits of the sour chips, "what do you mean?"

She turned her face toward me with a raised eyebrow, "your face," she mumbled, raising her hand gesturing on the whole of my face, "You haven't wear that smile for quite a while." She ended her statement with a regarding tone.

I felt my heart constricted for a while, Alice was watching me, and she knew I was affected of something. I never shared what was bothering me, she never asked though, just looking at me with that soul piercing round blue eyes, listening without asking, accepting whatever vague stories I was willing to share. It felt unfair for her not knowing what was going on inside of my brain, and my heart, but I hesitated going beyond what might be acceptable, for her, for fear of condemn, probably.

"I'll guess," she threw the magazine on top of the table, sliding beside the half-empty bag of chips, later grabbing the bag, blindly picking a piece, "mister-you-don't-even-know-the-name suddenly showed up after a couple of days of hibernation," muffled with the crunching of chips, her voice was obviously tainted with a sour note.

But I couldn't find the reason to get defensive with her seemingly indignant musings, as a matter of fact, I found it amusing, I clucked my mouth making her turn her face toward me, "wow you're good," I exclaimed, reaching for another piece of chip she was already holding, "and to top it all up, he invited me for a party tonight…in the cool looking club, The Street." My excitement was all over my words, remembering how we described the place when we saw it one time we ate on the Italian resto beside it.

Her eyes flickered, yet she raised her eyebrow, like daring me to confirm that it wasn't a joke.

I sighed, standing suddenly to head to my door, "well, I said I am not coming unless I bring my friend," I muttered, my eyes looking at the ceiling, already half-expecting her reaction. And I was right.

She strode toward me, almost bouncing, meeting me in the other side of the couch, both her hands were flared in front of her, "really?!" she exclaimed, and when I nodded silently mocking her not at all derogatory, she squealed, stomping her feet.

She was chanting her favorite words, "Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!" not at all sounding religious, her round eyes previously piercing with her silent investigative queries were now blazing with fire. I shook my head, engrossed with her excitement turning to head to my room, and said "we need to leave by seven, so I suggest you prepare now."

"Your date is not picking us up?" She shouted and in the corner of my eyes I could see her hands placed on her waist just like when she was nagging me to eat breakfast before heading to school.

I was inside my room already, feeling agitated with the excitement finally seeping into my bones. I walked back so as for her to hear what I was going to say, "Oh you may want to flaunt your sexy car Alice," I chuckled, "and don't worry, you'll surely find a date in no time." I shouted, finally striding toward my closet.

_I have no fucking dress to wear. _For a moment, Edward's sexy grin flashed in my thoughts, making my legs buckle slightly._..shit._

**

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**

A/N

Parteh with Edward, uh-oh. You better leave me a comment or else nothing will happen but a boring seminarian talk. Heehee, and to think there will be a herd of awfully secxi unavailable men in there, (or probably not, whatever).

I know who's awesome, and you know I was talking about you. :P

xoxo

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NOTA BENE**

For disclaimer and author's basic note, please see PREFACE in the first page. Thank you.


	15. Chapter 14 The Scent of the Black Piece

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**14 – THE SCENT OF THE BLACK PIECE OF CLOTH

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**

**BELLA

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**

Even before seven stroke, Alice and I were already strutting down the hall in our bestest party hooking-up dresses, as we called it, laughing mockingly on ourselves. She was wearing a red backless strap piece of cloth tied on her neck and the other two ends loosely tied on her back securing that it won't flip and show her uber-gifted body. She was towering on her shiny black Louboutin pumps, her red painted toes peeping; her tight jeans hugged her skinny legs like a plaster winding and taped tightly. I on the other hand found a little black dress on my closet, a one shoulder mid-thigh length in layers of chiffon cloth, not too suggestive yet not so old-fashioned, just right.

Alice was talking non-stop on our way down the treacherous slopes slithering like a snake down to Vermont City. My stomach was churning every time she twists her face toward me driving blindly along the road lit by five blazing halogen lamps in every post, yet it wasn't comforting enough, because though in our right was a mountain of rocks, it was so fucking easy to swerve in the left lane and fall on the cliff.

I was feeling weak the whole time, one from Alice's so dangerous way of driving and the other one from the thought that I will be spending a night with Edward again. It could be just a normal party night where you hang out have some drinks and laugh, but deep in my heart, this fucking sort of date meant so much more to me.

We arrived safely, _thank goodness, _the driveway was filled with expensive looking cars, I didn't fail to notice a Bentley and a Cadillac parked in the curve of the lane that they have turned into a mini parking lot. High society looking girls walked on the pavement, the clucking sound of their heels sounded like an uncoordinated sound of applause. I suddenly felt a little awkward. I might not be from the lower class family, but I am certainly not fond of attending parties especially when it involved socialites. Alice on the other hand could not contain her butt on the seat, and the moment she pulled the parking lever of her Porsche, and a little second of re-touching her already shimmering lips, we were off to the entrance.

The night was peacefully lit by the moon slightly hiding in fluffs of clouds, its rays cast a muted yellow light swarmed by a sea of gray. The cold December wind blows and rustled the leaves and tiny pieces of garbage scattered from the gutter. I held on to my shawl, grateful that I have made the decision to bring it, it made wearing this one-shoulder strap piece of clothing a little bearable. Yet Alice seemed to never notice the piercing cold. Her back is covered only by her straightened blond hair swirled by the wind behind her.

When we got to the door, two huge men stood on each side, their huge and bulging stomach ironically served as the gate before entering the door. But despite their burly appearance, their auras were softened by the coat and ties that they are wearing. "Good evening Mesdames," greeted the guy in the left wearing an orange tie. Alice and I greeted back in unison, glancing at each other for a moment, amused, the other guy spoke in a hesitant manner, "umm, invitations please."

_Crap. _I panicked, a picture of an angry Alice from humiliation already flashing before my eyes. When I looked at her I was already expecting her to fret, but she just nodded like silently urging me to procure what the gentlemen were asking, but with a slightly gaping eyes, _fuck me._

I was ready to apologize and just make a run from humiliation when behind them, out of the shade of darkness, a bronze haired guy emerged, "It's alright Phil, they're with me."

Edward.

My knees weakened not only from being saved from sure humiliation, from the guards, myself and from Alice; but most surely because Edward looked fucking sexy with his hair gelled up, wearing a black shirt under his usual gray jacket. I know I looked stupendously stunned.

The two men immediately made way, "Of course Mr. Cullen," said the other guy with a thinning hair. Alice smile crawled on her glimmering cheeks, winking afterward on the guards, "thank you". I copied her mumbling an almost inaudible gratitude as I pass them.

Edward was waiting on top of the three-step stairs, his hand was extended to me. Astonished, I shrugged whatever little worries popping from time to time in my anxious head, silently muttering _shut the fuck up and let me enjoy the night. _My knees almost gave up when I took his hand, I was caught off-guard, expecting that he was only trying to be a gentleman helping me get to the top of the stairs, but then he held my hand and placed a kiss on my fingers. _You got to be fucking kidding me Dude._

"Ladies," he muttered afterward, like a fucking Edwardian prince, I chuckled inwardly, _my prince. _Slightly embarrassed with the way he was still holding my hand, I turned my head onto Alice, who has this mischievous smile on me, but that was not all, she fucking mumbled, "Oh so this is the guy?" with the most suggestive voice ever.

I heard Edward chuckled, if it wasn't a little dark where we were standing, they could have possibly laughed on how red my face was from embarrassment, or pale maybe. I gaped my eyes on Alice, feeling a little offended with her little joke, but I managed to introduce them to each other thinking it would somehow take the attention to the most probably obvious fidgeting me, "Alice, this is Edward…Edward, my friend Alice," I mumbled, trying so hard to remain sounding casual.

I thought Edward would let go of my hand to shake Alice, but he didn't, instead, he tossed my hand to his left hand to have a moment with Alice's. "I know you," he muttered cheerfully, his arms crossing at each other awkwardly.

"Yeah, you are the guy this afternoon in the apartment," Alice conceded, "What are you doing in our apartment?"

Edward raked his brushed up hair with his right hand before snaking it back to my hand, twining my fingers on his. I think I am going to faint. _Why the fuck is he holding my hand like this? _"I was looking for Bella, I didn't know which room," he recollected, flashing his shy smile, briefly glancing on me. Alice nodded, her eyes showing a total sign of awe, throwing a glance on our twined fingers before flashing a roguish smile on me.

"This way," Edward muttered catching his breath, raising his arm to show the way. I made a movement as if I was to pull my hand from him, which in reality was not my intention; my fingers were happily tucked between his, why the hell would I want to move away? Thankfully, he closed his hand into a fist, trapping my fingers between his, no way out. I conditioned myself to enjoy the momentary show of thoughtfulness of the man who just left me hanging for a week, convinced that he was probably having fun, so I'll have my time too.

My black shawl slid down to my back suddenly, and thinking it slipped, I hurried to catch it, only to find out Edward had pulled it himself. Twirling it between his free hand, he lowered his head stealthily on my ear and then whispered, "better." I think my face will froze in this state, smiling, like a moron.

The room was packed with wealthy looking people, the guys were wearing clean looking button down shirts, and some even have their suits still on their backs. The girls were all pretty presentable too, I could count how many times have I tapped myself inwardly in the back for not thinking to wear church type clothes, I could have been the center of the attention here.

Edward led us near the long bar table where a group of men were convening seemingly engaged into a dude-on-dude type of conversation, their loud voices echoed on top of the laughter and the loud music that was filling the whole room. I remembered Edward saying that the birthday celebrant was his friend, a former seminarian, and amidst the frequently changing hue of the flickering lights, not to mention the smoke that had filled the air, I couldn't find a hint of solemnity on their faces bathe with the strobe lights, like what I have usually incorporated on Edward's aura. These guys looked pretty much like normal people, the one is husky, the other athletic, the other was looking fresh, and the one in the middle…wealthy, real wealthy with all those glistening gold necklace hanging on his neck, and that was not all, he was having a nibble on the neck of the brunette on his arms.

Edward tapped the shoulder of the guy with his back on us, and then led us to the middle of the group, I made a quick ran on the faces of the guys around me, and I stiffened when my eyes finally landed on the guy who Edward tapped the back, it was Jasper, fucking Jasper Hale. I am dead.

"Eleazar, my friends, Bella and Alice," Edward introduced us quickly to the birthday boy, and then after we shook his hand and said our little greetings, Edward proceeded on introducing us to the rest of the guys, the wealthy looking guy is of course Eleazar, the one looking husky and brawly was Garrett, the athletic one was Jacob and of course the ever clean looking was Jasper.

Jasper just looked at me at first, and then he must have recognized me, fluttering his incredulous stricken eyes, he exclaimed, "Bella? Bella Swan?" He cast a questioning look on Edward, and then he flashed a somewhat adamant look on me, and then back to him. I have no idea what he saw on Edward's face because the moment he brought his eyes back on me, he was expressionless, nonchalant the least, "I don't remember introducing you to each other," he mused, something hidden in his voice, something I have no idea of.

"We met again," Edward muttered. His hand was fighting with my fingers as I have already found the reason to break free from his grasp, but he doesn't want to let go, I could already feel the dull pierce his nails made on my skin.

"What are you gonna do Jasper, Edward here knows how to fish," Garrett mused, swallowing the entire brownish liquid he has on his glass. The men started laughing, and though I was able to laugh with them, I could feel a painful contraction in my chest.

Eleazar turned to face me, the brunette girl with a permed hair was lasciviously playing circles on his chest exposed with the buttons of his yellow and blue shirt opened down, "You're lucky Bella, Edward had brought countless girls on our parties before, and it has been ages since!" He teased with an already slurring voice.

Edward looked at me apologetically, "Dude!" He exclaimed throwing his hand on the air stopping Eleazar and the series of laughter that had erupted once again, "let's not scare the lady shall we?"

I needed to say something, or else, the joke will never leave us. I threw a glance on Alice, but she was already having a conversation with Jasper, clasping a red drink on her left hand. "What can we do, he's hot." I muttered, trying to sound cheerful, even plastering a fake smile on my face. It hurts, not because they were dissing Edward, but because these people honestly think I was one of those girls he brings on parties for everyone to see.

"Oh…don't worry, Edward is such a nice guy," Garrett mumbled.

"Until you come to the point you'll slap him," the athletic guy followed, his voice so shrill. _What the fuck is his name again? Jacob?_

I looked up at Edward, he has a smile while shaking his head, letting his friends embarrass him in front of someone, must be a guy thing. I could have slapped these guys; they were acting like a bunch of bitches.

"Edward owns half of the town." Eleazar muttered once again, gesturing with his hand that was holding a glass of liquor making it topple and spill on his 'girlfriend' to which everyone laughed once again. I was laughing too, but not from entertainment but rather from a tinge of triumph, _now who looks like an idiot. _

I felt Edward's hands flexed and tightened on my hand and a moment later his warm breath tickled my ear, "you want to go?" Feeling a little of relief, I nodded, my eyes passing on his lip hidden behind his teeth. I turned and found Alice already missing beside me, and Jasper. I tried to look on the crowd but all I could see was a sea of people moving to and fro. "She's with Jasper, don't worry about her," Edward mumbled once again with a deep voice, now on top of my head.

He began to pull me, gesturing his hand to Eleazar, to which he answered with a nod and then muttered, "Let Bella eat Edward."

"Thanks Eleazar," I answered, smiling on everyone we left.

"Have fun!" He answered.

"Edward…" I heard a voice called behind us when we have already turned our back, but Edward didn't look back instead just mumbled with his hand in the air, "later Jacob."

The Street is not a very big place as opposed to what it looked outside; or probably because it was crowded inside. In the middle was the dance floor of course where almost everyone was spending their time at. Encircling the dance floor were leather couches of different colors facing each other with a long table between them, all full of different beverages. In front of the dance floor was the bar, next to the exit door. And then beside it was a long table lit under what looked like a roof, food, different kinds of food. And far in the both corners of the wall were cubicles, separated with thick walls engraved with flipping symbols, it was covered with a dark curtain that you could only see the yellow light inside through the top and the bottom.

Edward was still holding my hand, tugging me toward the long table with food. He only let my hand go when we were near the table, handing me a plate afterward. I gawked at him, and he must have noticed me lost my earlier enthusiasm. He tilted his head, moving too close to me, "Don't mind them, they're just teasing you," he muttered, my eyes saw he was looking at my lips and then I realized I have been biting them.

I didn't know what to do. It's not like I could just run and go home myself just because some old men made fun of me, or of Edward, and besides he already said it, they were just teasing. So I pulled myself up and upon sighing, I made myself vow to enjoy the night and not to mind anything that I will hear around me, even if it was about Edward. I flashed a somewhat happy smile, making him snort, flashing once again his sexiest grin. Sexiest, so far.

A uniformed staff led us to the corner most cubicle; pulling the draped curtain before us. Edward was holding both our plates filled with finger foods putting it in front of us and then ordering our drinks on the waiting lady.

"What do you want to drink Bella?" He asked me, his gaze smoldering, I had to blink many times just to keep hold of myself, I wasn't even drunk yet, and his pull was already driving me insane. I think I won't last long with what I was pretending to be, not interested. I'll rot in hell.

My indecent thoughts shattered when my eyes zeroed on his, intently looking at me, waiting for my answer. "Oh," I mumbled, looking briefly on the waitress who has been sporting a huge grin, her eyes jumped on Edward and then to me and then back to him, her fingers were holding a purple pen with a purple feather on one end ready to write on a tiny notebook hidden somewhere in her palm. I fixed my eyes on Edward, trying to immune myself of his gazes, _it might fucking work, _"I'll have a martini please," throwing a sideway glance on the waitress.

"Two martinis, please," Edward concluded, regarding the waitress with just a fraction of his gaze, pulling his eyesight back to me. I didn't even hear the waitress leave because I was intently rewarding myself of the sight of Edward. His creamy skin appeared creamier with the contrasting color of his black shirt. My smile flashed on my face and I think I had my eyes sparkling when I saw him finger a cloth that was hanging across his neck, my shawl, twirled on his neck, its hem between his fingers; playing with it, while his lips were into a smirk.

I have no idea what was playing on his mind, he was just looking at me for the longest time, his playful smile not leaving his lips. Our drinks arrived; he had a sip and then turned to remove his jacket, but not my shawl.

"It looked good on you…" I mumbled, reaching for a piece of the chicken drumsticks. _He fucking grinned, flashing his pearlies once again. _And then fingered a portion of the shawl letting it drop on his nose. Is he smelling my shawl?

**

* * *

EDWARD

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**

Vanilla and something else, I wonder what perfume she wears. This is the exact smell of her skin, last…_ughh, not now Edward._ She looked so pretty with those curls bouncing against her pearly skin. "Is your hair straight, or curly?" I couldn't help myself from asking. I saw her once with a very straight hair, and then with wavy layered…she keeps on changing her hairstyle.

She chuckled, the soft giggle coming from her lips were like a lullaby, calming, soothing. "Unlike boys, girls have magic wands that turn our hair to whatever we like." She teased, pressing her lips into a tight smile, before sipping on her martini.

"I'm sorry a while ago," I muttered, looking on the olives twirling inside the glass as I played with the tiny stick holding them together, "I didn't mean to have you cornered with those…" I wanted to say assholes, but I was hesitant, she might think I was a cursing guy hiding behind my vocation.

"Assholes," she whispered, making me laugh, catching myself shortly, but nevertheless enjoying the moment, I rarely laugh these days. "Sorry…" She mumbled, yet her face was beaming with no hint of apology flashing.

There were moments of silence, with us just picking on our food, listening to the bouncing music outside the cubicle. She started talking again, a lot cheerful this time; it must have been the effect of alcohol. It was so entertaining to see her bash about how Alice drives her car. I didn't talk most of the time; just savored the moment where I can just look at her under the veil of the yellow light and the occasional swirl of red and green lights. I have ordered our third set of Martini, Bella was loosening up; she was sitting slouchy already on the couch, giggling most of the time. I myself was feeling the warm effect of the liquor running on my veins, I was already loosening up too, shamelessly playing with her shawl in my face, filling my lungs with its scent.

"So…" She trailed, when the third martini came. After we had both our sip, I furrowed my eyebrow, askance of what she was trying to say. My eyes traveled indecently on the skin uncovered with the soft cloth of her dress. I could just silently thank the table that was separating me from her, or I would have pounced on her, probably…most probably. I didn't even mind paying attention to what my moral says. Bella has this pull I could not understand, but I was too weak to refuse. I want to touch her. I was aching to touch her.

She tousled her hair, bouncing the curls on her neck, dragging my eyes on the hollow part of it, I could see little thumps it made, I needed to swallow and yank my eyes back to her face, which was now veiled with something rather than her usual casual or sometimes interested face. "What number am I?"

I snorted, not getting what her question is all about. She played with the remaining food in the silver plate with her forefinger, leaning toward me; her eyes followed the movements of the food that she was twirling. "They said you brought countless women--…"

I cut her off with a laughter, _of course you'll ask that_, I was for a moment worried she'll get offended with me laughing at her thoughts but she just eased on her seat, putting her fisted hand on her chin, fluttering her eyes, _no…not that look._

Sighing in defeat, I began to talk, leaning my back on the back of the couch as I removed the shawl from my neck and began thumbing it, getting comfort and guts from its grainy texture. "I had girlfriends before, before I entered Theology. They had never believed I could even graduate Philosophy without getting hitched. Let's just say…I was fairly playful." I was feeling utterly ashamed, but I could not keep myself from talking, must be the alcohol. "I would jump from one girl to the other; I would have a new girlfriend whenever we were deployed on different places for some charity work. I don't know, I guess, I just like the company of women," I snorted, gloating a bit even.

Bella murmured, still staring at me I guess, judging with the way she spoke, "why do they slap you?" I may not be looking at her, but I could imagine she had that playful smile on her lips.

I cleared my throat before I could answer, I don't know how to put it simply. "They want something from me that I couldn't…give."

"Which is?"

I bit my lower lip, and then leaned toward her, resting my elbows on the edge of the table, I half hid my face behind the shawl that was in my hand, _you're asking me that, seriously? _I didn't answer though; I remained looking at her eyes and waited until she dropped her gaze away from me, taking a big gulp on her drink, wincing afterward.

"You had enough," I muttered looking on her empty glass, sounding like a big brother.

"So what's my number?" She asked, without a thought of what I just told her, if she even heard what I said.

"Bella…"

When I didn't continue my words, she settled at the backrest of her couch, playing with something inside her mouth, the olives probably. I was beginning to feel anxious, painting the night with a huge fail sign, and at the back of my mind I was already planning how to confront the boys for ruining my night. This is supposedly the night I will be able to reconnect with Bella, after a long time of…

"Listen…I'm sorry for not showing up last…" I blurted suddenly when I remembered, taking comfort on the passive expression she had on her face, "umm—I had…I was…" but I couldn't finish my words, I couldn't tell her what was bothering me.

"Let's dance," she whispered, saving me from tangling my tongue for words to say.

I followed her to the dance floor, minding every swaying steps she made. I threw my jacket on the bar and then Bella's purse lifting an eyebrow on the bartender for a silent message.

It was dark in the dance floor, lit only by different colors alternating in flashing and twirling. Everyone else were bouncing to the beat of the rave music, but I have found myself holding Bella's hips toward me, her hands were both on my neck as we sway slowly and grind on each others front like we were dancing a salsa rather than a dance music. Her eyes were half closed looking down; her lower lip was between her teeth. My hand became tighter and tighter on its hold to her hips as our body became nearer and nearer each other, until all I could feel was the heat of her body directly next to mine. Her skin on her neck brushed my lips, drowning me with her sweet scent and the enticing taste of her sweat. I pressed my eyes closed, saying a little prayer of repent, and a heap of prayer to keep me from sin.

When the music changed, I was partly feeling renewed, _prayer does a lot of things to me, _I brushed my fingers on the hair that has stuck on her face from sweat, pulling her head upright through her chin to let her look at me, before I muttered, "let's go."

* * *

A/N

Hello...anyone? Hehe. I hope you're enjoying the story so far.

~m

* * *

**NOTA BENE**

For disclaimer and author's basic note, please see PREFACE in the first page. Thank you.


	16. Chapter 15 The Sound of Chimes

**15 – THE SOUND OF CHIMES**

**

* * *

EDWARD

* * *

**

The moment we emerged outside the club, the cold wind somewhat flushed the toxins building up in my head. I will lie if I say I am in no way aroused with the proximity of Bella. I am human, a male human, who for what ever its worth not used to anything but touching. I have been good all my life easing away from the paths of temptation that could lead me to a crossroad that I know I won't be able to figure which way to go. I am afraid to get to the crossroad of my life. But I was in a sure way to it, right now, and I don't even want to turn my back.

My car was just right next to the door of the exit; I draped my jacket on Bella's back as we walked toward it. She didn't speak a word, instead threw me a glance with no apparent expression, blank.

As we eased toward the road, I opened the windows, letting the cold air hit our face. I saw her shoot her hands inside the sleeves of my jacket, briefly glancing at me. The wind blew her hair, wiggling to the void space between us, her scent drenching every space of my car. Her eyes were fixed on the road, squinting a bit from the air hitting her face. I calmed myself with the thought that once again, she was inside my car, playing with the memories I have about her and this car, skipping on the part where I know would just fuel my already growing anxiety.

I know where to bring her, and in that place I know we'll have our emotions taken care of. I am not a total idiot to not to know what she was feeling right now, because I for one was swimming right into it, maybe even drowning.

"How's your feet," I mumbled when we stopped into a traffic sign trying to break the silence. She glanced at me briefly and then returned her gaze afterward with a little smile on her face. The twinkle in her eyes coming from the lengthening lights of the oncoming traffic bounced right on to me, mesmerizing me, making me heave a sigh to release yet another throb of longing to touch her.

She chuckled, looking back to the road as I maneuvered with the car once more. "You don't have to," she murmured. I failed to distinguish what exactly she meant by her words, I mean, I had a pretty good guess but I might be wrong, so I didn't answer instead just gave her a confused look, glancing sideways afterward.

There was silence before she spoke again, a little jittery on her voice, "I'm sorry I made you break your vow." She cleared her throat and then began talking again, "I didn't know you're going to be a priest, had I known, I…could have not—forced you to…fuck me."

I felt a sudden jolt in my chest, I felt awful that she felt utterly responsible for me breaking my vow; I never want her to feel that. There is no one responsible for my action but me. I wanted to tell her everything, from the very start that I saw her, but what good will it make, will it make her feel better? She would hate me. I was the only one who wanted for these and those things to happen. I know what I was getting myself into, yet I did not ran away from it, instead I embraced it, and basked in it, like I was totally made for it.

I didn't make any sign of answering, focusing on my driving as I near the slopes of the road near the cliff. The air began to blow rapidly. Bella profusely tamed her flinging hair, until I made the move to close her window, leaving us with utter silence, with only the silent purring of the engine keeping us from going totally deaf.

When I found the perfect spot, I turned off the engine, slightly putting my window down for some air. The wind howled outside, but it didn't matter, I was determined to do what I needed to do.

I turned to face her; she was stiffly sitting on the passenger side, her hand playing with the handrail near the door. My breathing was climbing erratically. It was so hard to control the call of my wild instinct, with her inches away from me, inside the car that I have locked myself several times just to remind me of her scent.

"No," she whispered slowly dragging her eyesight toward me, "I don't deserve you breaking whatever vows you've made."

For a moment I stiffened on my seat, softly banging my head on the headrest, arguing with my inner voices. I know what I want, and it was killing me.

"It's not your fault that I have broken my vows. No one is responsible for my actions but me. And I did not fuck you Bella—,"

"I did," she quickly cut me off, her fingers playing on the hem of her skirt which were, _for the love of God, _pulled until the place where her legs end, I could almost see where her legs meet in the middle, "I know…I did."

Shrugging the once again immodest thoughts that had found itself to my senses, I feigned a cough, and then continued, "no, I did not fuck you, because, I made love with you. I believe so." I paused a sure long while shuffling my words, picking things that I needed to say and shoving the ones that don't need to come out.

"I had many girlfriends Bella, and yes my friends…they are right, countless, I even lost track of them and their names. I would be indecently gloating if I say girls come to me, but it's the truth, I have no idea what girls see in a man wearing an alb and find them heaping with sex appeal."

I was expecting a snort, a giggle or even a cluck of tongue from her, but nothing, she was just staring blankly on the dark dashboard, her face void of expression. So I tried to proceed, after inviting a lungful of air, filling my chest once again of her ill defying scent.

"Right on the moment when the Rector of our parish stepped in the podium of our classroom to talk about the priestly vocation, I knew what I wanted to be when I grow up. I was ten then. I urged my parents to allow me be an altar boy in the church so I could let myself get acquainted with what I sensed was my calling. I knew I have a calling, I believed I was being called to serve God…as a priest. They never hesitated not even question me of what I want, they supported me because they know and they feel that I was inclined to doing this. But I never gave up girls. I had formed an attachment to the calming presence of girls, balancing the rigorous exercises we had in the seminary. My beliefs were often shaken inside the seminary, I was then on my first year, preparatory, the first step towards the formation, way too long way, bottom of the ladder. But I have always find comfort with girls. You girls have not just magic wand for your hair but--this…way of balancing things, like you know which buttons to press.

When I finished preparatory, my grandfather died, leaving me with everything, and I meant everything. I was for a moment clouded with too much confusion. Should I continue? I love my grandfather a lot; he was with us as I was growing, he taught me a lot, even what to say to girls when they were angry, you know stuff that grandfathers only teach to their grandson. I was feeling weak. But after a summer vacation, alone in our vacation house, thinking about everything, I was back and this time enrolling on the minor seminary. But girls were more aggressive when you're in college. Hormones have begun kicking, and…I don't know with you, but that time, all I wanted was to make out with girls everywhere, every time. I was beginning to doubt the calling I once believed I had. I was skipping classes, I was drinking profusely to the point that I was sneaking, climbing on the window of my room just to find out later that our dean was waiting silently in my room."

Lost from reminiscing the things I have been through, my head snapped momentarily when I heard her chuckled, my eyes landed on a pair of brown eyes listening intently on me, partnered with lips sporting a tiny smile. I smiled back, my earlier apprehension was immediately washed by the wave of her interest on my life.

"But I have no idea why I always find myself crawling back to what I believe I was meant to be, priesthood. We were taught of self discipline, just like in any other school, but maybe different because it was for a greater cause. We were taught of the anatomy of our bodies, of the psychology of every human need, and strengthen the ability to shy away from them. You know…every human being has different tolerance on different things, right? But might I just add, a seminarian being prepared for a lifetime of abstinence has the lowest tolerance on the call of human instincts, I think. I mean, yes, its all about how you manage and fight the urge, but…today when every thing seemed to have sex as a theme…it's hard…it's hard to turn your back."

"I am just human," I added, putting a sour note and then smiling on her as I faced her, scooting on my seat, "especially if a beautiful drunk woman will just suddenly pounce on you." I whispered, letting my words slither on my lips, feeling them come out word-for-word. I liked the sound of it.

She fluttered her eyes, smiling shyly, but said nothing. She tugged the opening of my jacket that she was wearing, clasping on it. I moved my hand toward it, hesitating for a while looking at her with a silent ask for permission and then proceed to find the zipper to close the jacket up. My hands were trembling, careful not to touch any part of her. Afterward, she mouthed a silent gratitude, and then turned her body facing me, letting her back rest on the door, pulling her feet toward her on top of her seat. The hungry human in me wanted to graze my eyes under her legs where I am 100% sure I would see what was underneath her skirt, but I fought the urge, instead, pull her foot and began massaging it, desperately trying to drown the force that was trying to overcome my self control.

I sighed, pressing my lips together, giving her a regarding look. She was more interested in what I was saying, her face didn't show any sign of malicious thoughts just like what I was having. Damn the devil. "And then my parents died," I murmured looking absently on her foot that was cuddled by my hands as I pressed my thumbs on her sole. I was about to continue but I heard her gasped. I briefly looked at her; she had the concerned look, her lips almost in an inverted u shape.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, her voice came out grainy.

My lips tightened a small smile, "don't be, they're home." I felt a little twinge in my chest as I remember the faces of my parents, the last time I saw them. I drove them to the airport for their flight to America, to visit a resort as they have renewed their marriage vows.

"Plane crash," I muttered swallowing the lump on my throat. She immediately lurched forward holding my arm, her legs crossed on her seat. "I'm so sorry," Bella mumbled running her fingers up and down my arm. I snorted, trying to shoo away the twisting feeling inside my stomach, "they were on their honeymoon, just celebrated their silver wedding anniversary." I let a smile flash on my lips, so she wouldn't get worried about me. I held the top of her hand that was rubbing my arm, stopping it.

She might have guessed the reason why I wanted her to stop, I was beginning to feel uncomfortable with her touch, uncomfortable in the sense that I was feeling utterly in comfort of it that it would take just a minute for me to lose the already hanging by a thread self discipline. I was getting distracted with her touch.

She eased back to her seat, pulling her skirt, she was about to put her feet down when I yanked her other foot, her face was hesitant yet teasing me with her slightly agape lips, to which I just answered with "I need this, it calms me," between a soft laughter.

"Anyway, so yeah, my parents died, and I was once again faced with the same dilemma I had battled back in pre-college. Am I cut out to be a priest? You know what they say, you lose everything you have, every one that matters when you decided to follow God." I sighed, twitching my lips looking into her eyes. She was so beautiful, unmoving, just fluttering her eyes, waiting for me to speak.

"You see Bella, I am the only one left in our family. I have no other relatives. No one claims of me. Everything my parents and my grandfather and their parents have worked for their entire lives were all mine. I am not gloating, but yes I own almost half of Vermont, they were all in my name. But what will I do with them? I don't need money; I don't need establishments to live. I could find myself a job, and still live decently. I was left with nothing important."

She licked her lips, biting it afterward. She wanted to say something yet she was restraining herself. "What?" I urged. She hesitated for a while shaking her head, but then I muttered, "I know you want to say something, you do that lip thing when you want to say something,"

Chuckling, "I do not…" she blabbered, and then laughed heartily that I found myself laughing alongside her. She's so…

"Okay…I just want to say…I mean I was just confused why having all the money seemed to be such a huge problem to you," she teased looking at me sideways, "there are a million people who would gladly take your millions in a heart beat, I mean…you know, it's just—sorry, but it just sounded to me like you were having problems separating your…umm—I'm sorry, I couldn't find better suited words, please don't get mad." She stuttered, and I was just laughing at her, my shoulders shaking, I have a fairly good idea what she was trying to say.

"Try me," I urged her.

"That you were having a hard time figuring out if you'll take care of your fortune rather than working under the roof of…God, fortuneless, free?" She ended; still unsure of her thoughts if she was able to have it crossed, and then mouthed a series of apologies again.

So cute.

"Don't laugh at me," she begged, even more cute as she pouted her lips. I lightly pat her foot, as I mumbled between my huffs of laughter, "I am," admittedly, lowering my head for a while. "And I am not laughing at you; I'd love hearing your thoughts--,"

"Right, that's why you ditched me," she gritted between her clenched jaws, laughing inaudibly.

"Would you listen to me first, stop talking…and stop laughing," I mumbled back, still laughing, "Alright…I am, feeling torn between moving on with my vocation, but it wasn't because of the fortune. It was because…as I've told you, my bloodline died with my father, and it would finally end if…I become a priest, I mean…no one to carry the Cullen name anymore."

She stopped giggling, and by the moment I turned to look at her, she had already erased any trace of amusement. She was so…appreciative and thoughtful that she could easily swim on whatever emotions I was laying down in front of her.

"Would that be so awful?" She sighed.

"No," I immediately said, grazing my palms on top of her foot, "not really," I whispered, a little bubble of thought popping on my mind.

"So what's the problem then, why won't you go on?"

"I did, I am almost there, am I not?" I teased, quirking my eyebrow. "It's just, nowadays I was feeling a little out of sorts, doubt has found me again."

She rolled her foot on my palm, her eyes were on mine, boring holes on my soul. "Maybe you need a girlfriend," she muttered with a chirping voice, ending her words with slightly gaping lips.

_I do. "_Maybe I do, I haven't got one since I entered Major," I muttered, tentatively looking at the ceiling, calculating how long has it been. She chuckled making me pull my eyes back to her, "is that why you brought me here so you can fuck me again?" she mumbled, so straightforward that not a second later I found myself with jaws unhinged on the floor.

She laughed, thrashing her head back, her hand clasping her mouth to hide her amusement. I must have had an obviously bedazzled expression. I felt embarrassed. Of course I would love that, and I am already shooting on the right path to eternal damnation, but I couldn't care less. But I won't tell her that, not if I can help it.

I softly chuckled, once again grazing on her toes, moving my fingers on her calf, until I felt her flexed her muscles. I smiled, I was teasing her, just like she was teasing me, and she was liking it, just as I was too. We are like kids, acting like kids.

"Okay…first…for the record, I never fucked you, let's get this straight, I…made love with you, and second, I didn't bring you here to…f--touch…you, and I will never touch you again…well, unless you asked me to," I added those words to tease her, and quickly cut her off when she tried to speak, "and third, I want a girl in my life, and I would love it…if…it would be you."

A rush of air escaped my lungs, suddenly I was feeling constricted to breathe. I have no idea why I was able to say those words, but there they are, traveling already toward her senses; and it will only be a matter time before I could hear what she would say about it.

She laughed.

And then she pulled her foot away from me, tucking both of then behind her legs in an Indian seat. "Okay…first of all, you say 'made love' only when there is love between; second, I will be out of my freaking mind if I am going to ask you to fuck me again, and third, to be the girl in your life who would shove you back to the seminary sounds pretty boring, but yeah…I guess being friends with you doesn't sound bad either." She said fluttering eyes.

Exactly, I wanted to say it out loud, _exactly what I meant_…in all her statements. But I guess I am all alone in this quest. Now I have a pretty good idea what Emmett feels. But all I could do was smile at her, and then open her window, making her curly hair suddenly fling back and forth from the gush of wind coming inside covering her face. "This is actually the reason why I brought you here, not at all what you're thinking." I mumbled pointing her outside with my head tilting outside.

Her hair flew behind her as she faced her window, and a moment later I was already standing in front of her door, helping her out. Her hand felt cold, from the cold wind or from something else I have no idea. I tried to put aside the overwhelming feeling I was having, for a moment. She was expecting us to do some…passionate love making of some sort, fucking, that was what she was expecting and I will be a liar if I'll say I wasn't thinking of that thing too, but I was having a great time just talking to her, sharing her some bits about my past, and as magically and boring as it sound, carnal invitations how powerful they may be was just so easy to deceive. I wanted to be with Bella, not for the sole purpose of getting her into bed, and probably not for that reason at all. And I was right all along, I love her, I have fallen in love with her.

She was speechless. Her eyes were just big round holes on her pretty face, straining against the dim of the night, focused on the crashing waves on rough rocks formed thousands of years ago. We were at the beach, standing on vines of lily looking plants scattered on the shore. The strong scent of the sea wind flushed our faces with deep sense of awareness that we were in fact alone in a deserted beach. I was, I mean, aware.

We were silent, only the cries of distant sea gulls echoed in the dark place lit only by the headlights of my car and the far away flickering lights of the road. I stepped forward glancing sideways to look at Bella, she had her eyes closed, and her lips were curled into a small smile, breathing heavily. Her hands were tightly crossed on both her arms, she must be cold, it is cold, and I probably have discounted the chilling part because I was feeling overwhelmed with everything, her presence most especially.

Taking comfort from the huge amount of air I took, I put my arm on her shoulder, already half-expecting she'll step away from me, but she didn't, instead she inched closer to me until our bodies were next to each other, _I am playing with my luck, _but still I wound my other arm in front of her so she will be all inside of my embrace, loose embrace.

"I have something to tell you," she mumbled, turning to face me, yet she buried her face on my neck. My back shivered, I knew her shawl wasn't draped properly around me, but it was her breath on my neck that made me quiver. "Hmm…" I whispered.

"This is wrong."

The air going to my lungs halted mid-breath, I gnawed my jaw stopping for a second to make sure I heard her right. But before I could say something, she had pulled her face in front of me and now seriously had her eyes on mine. She had the first chance to speak before I could even find my tongue. "I like you Edward, and…and--," she stammered, breaking away from my embrace, stepping back away from me. But I caught her hand, gripping on them with mine, I was not to let go.

She shook her head, the brown curls of her hair bouncing on her shoulders, shiny from the light coming from my car. Her face looked beaming, a stark aura of a beaming angel underneath a cloud of darkness. Yet her face didn't look happy at all. All those sweet smile, foxy grins and hearty laughter were nowhere to be seen and heard. She was serious, utterly serious. I tried to read through her anxious eyes but all I could see was sadness. I don't want to see her sad, heck I don't want to see her anxious at all, of whatever was bothering her, and she said 'this is wrong', she liked me but this is wrong for her, and this is what's bothering her.

My mind was already racing against what might happen; she's going to leave me and not see me again. _God no, please. _And then she spoke again, yanking me from my already straying thoughts.

"I don't know," Bella muttered suddenly breaking from my hand catching me short. She had made huge steps on the sand before I could follow, and she was already in the passenger door muttering, "Let's go home," sliding inside.

I felt my heart sunk, I couldn't move for a moment, _what just happened? A moment ago I was having something incomparable to any thing that had happened to me before I met her, and now…everything had backfired, that soon? I have not even told her how important she had become on my existence._

I marched toward my side willful to fix what had suddenly went awful. "What was that you're going to say?" I urged, fixing myself in my seat that way I was facing her, not a sign that I was going to let go of this conversation just yet.

"Take me home,"

"No, before that," I immediately said, "and before you said you don't know,"

She was silent, looking down, her arms still folded on her chest, "nothing—," she mumbled almost unintelligible. I tugged a lungful of air and then blurted out, "Bull shit Bella…what was it you're going to say?!"

"I like you, alright!!?" she yelled, throwing me an angry look, and then slumping back on her seat, her face unchanging. I could see the rise and fall of her chest, she was furious. "Fuck," she hissed.

I wanted to talk back, but I figured there will be nothing to accomplish if both of us will be talking. I was stunned in my seat, yes, she had already said she liked me, but shoving it in my face was kind of like looking at a painting much closer, the feeling was more intense.

"I like you…a lot. I thought I was just crazy, excited that I saw you again, but then you ditched me last week, while I was already anxiously waiting to see you," she said in a low voice, her head pulled down looking at her fidgeting hands. My mouth was open, breathing on them; there was a painful constriction on my jaws running from both sides of my neck. "It fucking hurt me, and that's when I knew that I was beginning to fall for you."

She turned her body facing me, copying my position, leaning her back on the door, "but it's wrong, I know it is fucking wrong. I could not like you, I should not. Not because I know I will get hurt, but because I despise to be part of you falling out of your vocation. I won't…I couldn't…I wasn't--," she kept muttering, shaking her head profusely, and her voice already trembling.

My hands immediately landed on her twitching fingers, "Bella…stop," I hissed, gripping her hands firmly into mine. I could feel them trembling. "Stop…no one's going to get hurt…I am not going to go astray off of my vocation," I said looking at her under my lashes, desperately trying to convey what I wanted her to understand even though at the back of my mind I was secretly lamenting knowing that she liked me, yet she doesn't want to get involved with me. _It just means I should not fall in love with her…and it just means, I am undeniably on the road towards hell. What more directional signs do I need to see?_

She stared at me for the longest time, reading through my face, for a moment I wanted to be able to read her thoughts, what was she thinking about. And then she muttered, "Friends?"

I sighed, adding "special friends," giving out a surly smile. She smiled too, shyly. And then I huffed, dispelling the burden that had suddenly overcome me, "don't go home…stay with me in my house. I want to show you Vermont," I muttered, my voice almost guttural.

Bella turned away looking straight on the limited sight shone by the light of my car, tiny insects flying, basking on the comfort of the light. I could see apprehension creeping on her face.

I cleared my throat making her face me again, "I won't touch you, I promised, didn't I?" I muttered, trying to sound and look silly with my gaping eyes. She apparently bought my silly face, chuckling, she pinched me on my side, her tiny fingers landing right on my ticklish part. I grabbed her hand, restraining it on my palm, and then I was once again lost on the weight of her stares.

She was shaking her head, smiling though, "Don't let me fall in love with you, Oh brother Edward," she hissed giggling. I winced hearing her call me what I was known in the seminary. It pinched me right to my heart but I just smiled afterward, hiding the awful feel and taste of what I was getting myself into. "I'd do everything so you'll be disgusted with me, I promise." I mumbled chuckling even raising my right hand to swear as I released her hand.

"Come on, what do you say?" I muttered once again, straightening now on my seat, ready to drive away, "You're safe with me, I am a decent human being."

She laughed, putting on her seatbelts, "that was not what I was thinking Dude. I mean, Alice."

"Call her, she can sleep in my place too if she wants, we'll have an orgy. We'll pray first before we have an orgy…"

She smacked my arms, "you're disgusting…Are you sure it's just fine?" her words muffled from her laughter.

"Well, if you're not keen with it, it's just fine, I was just thinking--, it's just…" I mumbled, lost for words as I maneuvered the car back to the main road.

"Ohhh…you are so dramatic, probably that's why girls are falling into you," Bella giggled, as she rummaged for her phone on her little black purse.

_I wanted you to fall for me, _I whispered silently, immersing myself driving on the road, my eyes never leaving the white lines. I could faintly hear the sound of her cheerful voice on the phone talking to Alice, but I couldn't get the thought. I was having an inner battle again with my self.

I love Bella, she liked me, but she doesn't want to fall in love with me. She wanted me to not to get derailed from priesthood, yet I have already made a step away from it, and it started just a few hours ago, when I broke free from restraining myself to see her again. This is going to be pretty harder than I thought.

She fell silent on our way to my place, and by the time we got to the parking, she was already snoring. I didn't know what to do, her face was a picture of serenity, peacefully inclined toward me, _God she is so beautiful_. I wanted so badly to press my lips into her and taste those puckered lips again. But I couldn't. She trusted me and the last thing I would want to do is misuse it.

I shook her lightly, she tried to straighten on her seat but she clasped her head a second later, banging her head on the backrest, "I am fucking dizzy," she hissed, eyes pressed shut. I had no other choice but to carry her up in my apartment, thankful that the building has an elevator that shoots right up to the penthouse.

By the time I closed the door of my apartment, she was already clasping my neck, her lips fervent on mine. I found myself swimming in utmost…urges.

I kicked the door of my room, knocking several tall vases on the floor on my way, but I could not mind anything else but the feel of her hot lips on mine. When I put her down the bed, she pulled me down her through the neck of my shirt, making me fall right on top of her. I kept on groaning, desperately trying to pull away from Bella's inviting lips, but I couldn't, or maybe I wouldn't. It tasted so sweet that I felt like a cocaine addict reuniting with my favorite drug, for the first time after being locked up in a rehab. _What is she doing, did she change her mind?_

I needed Divine Intervention, right about now, or I will undoubtedly fall off the wagon.

My fingers trembled as I began unzipping the jacket easing it on both her arms. My head was having some sort of rumble, good and evil probably. I was already drowning from the ocean of carnal calls that I had, hours ago triumphantly turned my back into. But I couldn't do it again now. Kissing with Bella is like a domino effect, all my guards suddenly fell down, crashing in bits and pieces and I know for sure it will take such a huge effort and time again before I could put them back together and make them up and running.

I bit my lips, making me wake up from temporary trance of the bodily urges I was having or to make me shut up with nonsense arguing in my head, I have no idea which. I was so confused. But I still found myself in no sign of stopping. With a clouded mind, I fought with her every twist and thrust of tongue inside my mouth. I was so out of my mind, crazy, I was wincing from the indescribable pull of her kiss yet I was whimpering on the feel of her lips. Her passionate and urgent kisses were burning me inside and out, literally and figuratively. Bella is the bane of my vocation.

My fingers started finding the zipper of her already half-pulled up dress, slowly pulling it down when I found it on her back. Her eyes were both closed, her lips tentatively licked with that naughty tongue as I slowly slid the dress out of her tiny body through her arms gliding it down and off her feet. I could not help my jaw from dropping, my mouth gaping as her pearly skin glimmered from the muted yellow light on both sides of the wall, revealing her plumped bosoms, inviting, tugging, urging me to come and have a closer look, feel and taste maybe. I am going crazy.

The feel of the sinful urges were rising from my toes shooting right up on my head penetrating every piece every corner of my self-discipline. I have had the taste of her skin long time ago, but I have never really saw her naked like this, so inviting, so vulnerable and so …ff—ucking irresistible. I tried to shrug the overwhelming pressure of this earthly desire; I could not even look at the tiny silver cross hanging on the wall because I know my corporeal needs were winning.

As I slowly opened my eyes, my fingers tipped on her chin, running slowly, gingerly down her neck. It trembled as they neared the descending dented path between her peaks. The inside of my lips were already aching from the chewing my teeth made on them. My manhood was twitching, aching to break free.

"Mike," she whispered. I froze. There goes the Divine Intervention I have been praying for.

I scooted beside her, looking sullenly on her closed eyes. Her lips were still plumped and red from our fervent kisses. I feel like I was going to cry. Bile was rising on my throat, and I had to clench my jaws to straighten my self up, mind and body and soul.

After I have stared at her for a very long time filling my senses with what I could not have, I left her now sleeping soundly under the patterned green blanket that I have pulled to cover her naked body, her shoes on the floor beside the bed, still has traces of sand on its soles, her black dress hanging limply on the edge. I made my way outside, feeling utterly defeated, defeated by my human instincts that I have had tried to defy ever since, and defeated with someone named Mike.

Taking a cold bottle of beer from my ever stuffed refrigerator, I made my way barefoot on the cold wooden floor toward the balcony. I could not find sleep; the soothing soft howling sound of the wind was helping me detoxify myself. Down the 64 floored building, cars sped through the almost carless streets, traffic lights blinked in red, a warning siren of a fire truck sounded from a distance in symphony with a sweet sound of clinking metals, low and high pitched. It looked peaceful, no sign of anyone worrying about what tomorrow brings but me. In the far horizon there were glowing lights hiding from the slopes of the road casting faint shimmer on the gray night. A few more hours and the sun will shine again, another day, and yet I have not even opened my prayer book.

Bella was in my room, in my bed, dreaming of something that I hope wasn't about whoever is Mike. Moments ago we were in the verge of making love, again. Yet I could not find any comfort on those thoughts, not because there was someone else involved for a moment, but because I know, I was irrevocably had fallen in love with her.

I pressed my eyes shut, letting the wind soothe me of my anxiety. Turning around to head back inside, my eyes caught a sight of the clinking sound I have been hearing since I went out in the balcony. Huge chimes partnered with small ones hang on the ceiling of the balcony, the wind swaying them back and forth making them sound like a well rhythmic sound of musical instruments.

"Mom," I mumbled, my voice trembling, remembering my mother had an argument with my father putting those chimes, Dad refusing for the reason of ruining the polished looked of the balcony, and Mom reasoning "you never know when you'll need a good ring."

The tears I have been hiding for a long time slowly trailed down my cheeks. I tiptoed grazing my longest finger on the longest part of one of the chimes. I so much needed a sign to let me see where to go, but I never knew signs could be so vague. Are these chimes ringing out of happiness, or are they sounding a warning? Why can't God send me a more distinct sign like a go or a stop; or a smiley or a frowny? Am I seeing it as I want them to be?

Life is not simple at all.

* * *

**NOTA BENE**

For disclaimer and author's basic note, please see PREFACE in the first page. Thank you.


	17. Chapter 16 Further Down the Road

**16 – FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD

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****BELLA

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**

The first thing that came into my mind when my consciousness came back was; _my fucking brain is bleeding. _ I have a terrible headache; I could feel the throb of my veins in the temples of my head. And it even throbbed more when the second thing popped out of my mind like a bullet catching me point blank. I was in Edward's room, _and I was fucking naked. _"Shit shit shit!!!"

Sitting upright on the bed too fast, my world whirled. I needed some time to gather myself not just from the twirling surroundings but from the utterly unforgivable second offense I have made, right in the face of God. My fingers were knotted on my messy hair, pulling them almost painfully off my head, but still I could feel the trembling of my fingers. I could almost smell my skin already burning in hell.

It took me moment to calm myself. I have shut my eyes, resting my already tired head on top of my knees. My back quivered from the cold hitting it snaking it toward the front of my body that was slightly hidden on the white sheets, the cold air crawling my body like a snake strangling me. I tried to remember what had happened last night but all my mind could come up was, _I was passionately and crazily having a burning liplock with Edward. _I must have had dragged him again to touch me.

I squeezed my eyes trying to comfort me of what an embarrassing thing I have done again, not to mention, grave sin. Brushing my palms on my face, I took a moment to silently repent on my yet another drunken mishap causing another soul to rot in hell with me, later adding a special note to refrain from drunk fucking.

My eyes traveled where I was sitting, eyeing everything around me. The walls were painted yellow with white trimmings on the ceiling. There was a huge television directly on the wall in the foot of the bed set on a brown table. The bed I was lying on was messed up, the duvet was thrown on the floor, two fluffy white pillows weren't where they should be. I felt utterly ashamed that I had to pull the covers of the bed to wrap myself when my eyes darted on a silver cross on the wall up the head board, two yellow dim lights still glowing in each side. I saw two doors adjacent to each other and not finding where my dress had hide, I slowly walked toward what looked like a closet to find what I could put on before facing yet another reason to stay away from Edward.

I found a dark blue long sleeved shirt on the hanger, donning it on, I tiptoed on the cold wooden floor. On my way I was already rehearsing what I was about to say to Edward the moment I see him. I figured I will be saying a lot of apologies and then end it up with a tearful goodbye. I would admit how intense my feelings were for him, much more intense than the feeling of admiration I have owned to be feeling last night.

My feet stopped instantly as I slid on the white door of his room. I have almost stepped on a handful--no…an armful of blue roses in various stage of blooming left on the floor like it was just knocked there by a cat from a huge flower vase with no intention to pull them together into a nice bouquet. I could feel the air escaping my mouth as I slowly sat on the balls of my feet to pick them. Blue roses.

My head was trying to remember what I have read about the meaning of this beautiful sultry color, was it sadness or--? But I was stopped momentarily when I heard a sound of a musical instrument being played softly. I picked up all the roses and began my way on a huge spacious rectangular room that I didn't even noticed last night. It was drenched in all things light colored. The walls were made of light green and brown irregularly shaped bricks. There were tall vases almost everywhere. The place was almost empty if not for the black and white frames hanging on one wall.

When the music started again, I proceeded and it didn't take so long before my eyes landed on a messy hair peeking from the backrest of a long cream colored suede couch stretching in front of a huge glass window that was overlooking probably the entire Vermont City. It was a magnificent sight, breathtaking, but I could not marvel on it for a moment because I was actually focused on that messy hair as I made my way silently toward him.

He was slumped on the couch, on a plain white t-shirt and black sweatpants. His feet were on top of a long glass center table, his messy hair looked even messier now that I was nearer him, dark half circle shadows painted under his closed eyes. His lips were twitching like he was murmuring something, singing probably, as his long fingers caresses and pluck the strings of a shiny brown guitar. It was a soft tune, stopping then flowing the next, somewhat waltzy yet softer.

I must have made a sound because he opened his eyes startled of my presence. He immediately straightened from his seat, raking his hair of his right hand. "I'm sorry, I didn't know you're awake," he mumbled pulling his feet down.

"I didn't mean to startle you," I fumbled for words, my lips twitching from silent anxiousness.

He briefly gazed at me, looking up and down my body. "Oh," I realized suddenly, stuttering, "I'm sorry…I…took a shirt," I mumbled and then my voice sank into an almost inaudible sound, "I couldn't find my clothes." I think my face was shrieking in red, I had to pull my head down to hide it.

I heard him clucked his tongue, pausing for a moment, and then "would you like to have breakfast now?" he muttered. Still utterly embarrassed for everything that I have done, I could not find the words I have just made up in my mind a while ago. "No…play some more," is all I could say looking at his fingers thumbing the strings of his guitar.

He scooted on his seat, putting a hand on top of the couch urging me to sit beside him, which I did, only sitting near the hand rest of the couch, far from him. He began fingering the strings once more, slowly picking them one by one, his left hand moving sliding on the neck of the guitar making a tune that was rather familiar to my music inclined ears. His eyes bore on me, putting me on deep enchantment as he alternated biting and licking his lips.

_There's a sign on the wall_

_But she wants to be sure_

_'Cause you know sometimes words have two meanings._

_In a tree by the brook_

_There's a songbird who sings,_

_Sometimes all of our thoughts are misgiven_

_Ooh, it makes me wonder, Ooh, it makes me wonder._

I felt air escaped my lungs in an alarming way. My already paper dry throat managed to itch and constrict. I could not breathe properly, I felt like I was drowning. I startled when drops of tears fell on my cheeks unceremoniously making me gasp.

Edward felt alarmed, and behind my already blurring sight, I saw him put down his guitar and slid his body until he got to my side. I was in all awkwardness looking at him magnified two times by the tears that was pooled on the brink of my eyes. I battled to breathe, I don't want these tears hanging on my eyelids fall, I have had enough humiliation.

"I'm sorry," finally the words came out of my mouth, dry, as dry as my throat, itching raspy, grainy.

"What?" I heard him whispered, and then I felt my hands both gripping the roses gave up and dropped them as his fingers lightly grazed the back of my hand. Faint thuds of the rosebuds and its long stems filled the silent room, their leaves tickled my bare feet.

I moved my hand away, stiffly and then wiped the tears that had trickled down my cheeks. When I have pulled my head up and away my hands, Edward's face was a picture of anxiety and confusion.

"I didn't mean to do it again, I am so sorry. I should…I never should have--,"

"Wait," he muttered cutting me off from my hopeless fumbling for words and utmost shaking of head. "Nothing happened," he hissed, pulling his head down leveling my face, his eyes seeking to have a contact with mine, eagerly.

My mouth snapped shut, and I know my eyes were wide in disbelief. He fluttered his eyes, comically making them sent a hidden message, "You didn't…touch me," he whispered, putting an almost unnoticeable hint of a joke, he found my hands and sandwiched them between his.

His sexy smile crawled on his lips, his eyes crinkling in the corners as he saw me flashed an embarrassed smile, his eyes holding my gaze. "I was," he stopped for a while, putting his lower lip between his teeth and then he licked them before he said, "I felt weak…last night, I almost…I'm sorry."

My heart sunk seeing him admit to his weakness, a weakness I have brought forth. Part of me was happy because I was not totally able to shove him with me to damnation, but a greater part of me was…scared, that I would be totally detrimental to his vocation, just as I have thought I am. I yanked my hand from his grip, having the urge to caress his tousled hair. His eyes fluttered like a baby being soothed by his mother. I ran my thumb on the darkening under his eyes, I froze there as he have twisted his head and now his face, his lips were nestled on the cup of my palm. I could feel his warm breath tickling my palms, and I know his lips were planting kisses on it, eyes closed, seemingly savoring the moment.

My breath staggered, _this is so fucking hard. How will I turn my back on something as precious as this? _And for a moment I have found myself unrighteous, asking God why He had sent me a man He wouldn't allow me to have.

And yet I found the courage to speak, maybe not everything I wanted to say, but at least some part of me, the part who always find the way to be tough and fight the urge to refuse to battle a sure unwinnable war.

"Edward," I started, but I already felt a shortness in breath, something that merit a rather bigger problem than a sure croak. "I don't think I am good for you," I whispered. He raised his eyes toward me, searching them for what lies behind my words. "I could not control myself, and I was putting you in danger. I wouldn't want to risk you, no. Being friends with me is like…playing fire in a haystack, or breathing on a smoke filled room. I am—,"

"I need you. I want you in my life Bella." He suddenly uttered, pulling his face away from my palm, resting his elbows on top of his thighs. His eyes traveled on the whole of my face, possibly reading all the reactions it gives out.

I was about to argue, pool of words already cramming to get out of my mouth, but he, in all intimidating manner held his left palm up, stopping me from saying something. "I'm sorry for provoking you. I should have not…I mean…I should be strong, I am the guy. And even if you—I would…Look…I don't know how to explain this to you. I don't know a lot of things that was going on in my head right now, but all I know is, I am happy when I am with you. I want to see you…I want to hear you laugh." He spoke unwavering, stopping only to fill his mouth of right words.

"Please Bella. I don't ask for anything, I just want you near me, friends, that is all."

My jaws felt like it was going to explode in any minute, they were frozen, aching. I was in a way totally devastated hearing him say being friends was all he wanted. It's good actually, but I just couldn't deny to myself that being friends was not I wanted. I wanted him to be mine, but I know that can't be. I was shooting stars, a glorious shining star specifically.

After a long moment of silence, I have gathered my fallen self. Friends is all we could ever be, and that would not be too bad I guess. After all, as aching as it may sound, I do really wanted to see him become a priest, and if by staying with me would keep him from getting hitched from dangerously hooking up with other girls seeking friendship, I will gladly lay my head in line…my heart actually. _Fuck it._

A long sigh coming from me made him drag his eyes back to me, already settled on staring on my fingers resting on the couch, my black nail polish a stark contrast on its cream color. His face showed a hint of glint when he saw me probably thinking I have emerged from my earlier fit. "Liquor is bad for friendship," I mumbled hiding a smile.

"Liquor and black dress," he nodded, "and curls," he added his eyes only leaving mine briefly eyeing the messy curls of my hair that dangled off my shoulder.

We stared at each other, not saying a word, our eyes talked silently hiding what each of us was thinking. I know what I was thinking, and I have already promised myself to adhere to it.

I was the one to break our weighted stares, picking the roses from my feet, "these are nice," I mumbled, and then stopped shortly, gazing back at him, "I'm sorry…I just presumed it was for me," I chuckled, adding, "someone must have knocked one of those tall vases and scattered the roses on the floor."

He laughed softly, his throat wobbling, "First, I am the only one who lives here; second, true I must have knocked a couple of vases on the way to the bed carrying you, smoldering me with your…kiss, and third, those are really for you and I was hoping you liked them."

I felt a tiny swell of something inside me, sarcastically, I gaped my eyes on him, "Okay, first, you have a great place, wonderful, magnificent; second, can we not talk about something that would further make me look like a total skank; third, I thank you and I sure like these, and fourth, what's with numbering your thoughts?" I muttered, "and fifth…wait," I chuckled cutting him starting to talk, "fifth, I will freaking fuck you if you answer me with number again. Talk like a normal person does." I spat, raising an eyebrow to threaten him.

And before I even finish my words, his head was trashed back already laughing. "You are funny Bella." He said in a deep voice lost from his laughter. "So I won't number but I am going to answer you."

"Well of course you will, what's the use of being a head of the church…to-be, if you'll just let a good argument pass by." I said. He laughed even more. Apparently I am funny. _God is he so cute with those flickering eyes and throat showing guffaws._

"It's just easier for me to lay down the cons and pros of my arguments if I had it numbered, I don't know, something I had learned somewhere, I forgot." He grumbled thumbing his hair, something I didn't fail to trace my eyes along. "And you shouldn't talk of…fucking me...touching me, because, you know I am not saying I won't because I will surely touch you back…considering how, pretty, and irresistible you are. I am sure I will definitely forget whatever we have just talked about," he mumbled, easing his words between his soft laughter.

"Shut up…" I grumbled, pouting my lips afterward. _Thanks but it doesn't help. _I stopped for a while fixing the stem of the roses on my hands. _Blue roses, I hope I got the meaning right. _"Did you know that roses have meanings? Well, flower colors actually..."

He chewed on his lips, a glitter flashing inside his eyes, smiling at me afterward, but not answering my digressed question. "You are not suppose to give a rose unless you're sure of what you wanted to say," I said quirking my eyebrow, convinced that he had only stumbled on these colored roses, and even the yellow one in the grotto, without even thinking of its meaning. "You might drag me to the wrong side of the tracks, you'll be sorry," I threatened.

"You're mysterious."

"I'm sorry?" I furrowed my forehead, unsure of what I heard from his whispering voice. He laid his back on the couch's backrest, putting both his hands on the nape of his neck, sporting a smug smile.

"I know exactly what color to buy when I went down this morning, they are for you after all, and--," he sighed squinching, before he proceed, "the yellow rose was what I would want you to be, the blue--," he said briefly looking at the blue roses on my lap, but immediately yanked his eyes way, avoiding my gaze, "the blue roses, was you, mysterious, and my feelings…mystery, mysterious."

I sure heard what he said, but I could not interpret them properly. I do not want to rely on my clouded reasoning to dissect his words and find its meaning because I know all I could find was…what I wanted to find, what I wanted to hear, what I wanted to know, that he too was feeling awkwardly drawn to me, which…will definitely make everything worse.

For the nth time, I found myself silent. Why did everything we have talked about for the last thirty minutes always bring back to what we feel for each other? I sighed again, rousing from my seat, I walked toward the huge window glass, looking past it down to the already buzzing city. I could faintly see his reflection on the glass, his elbows resting on his knees, his head between his hands, looking on the wooden floor.

"Alright," I grumbled, twirling back to face him. He raised his head, putting both his fisted hands on his jaws, his eyes fluttering, seemingly trying to get past my every changing mood. I flapped my free hand to my side, looking sideways for a moment, "I thought you're going to show me Vermont?"

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A/N

Lyrics of the song were owned by Led Zeppelin, Stairway to heaven. No copyright infringement intended.

Now you're not reviewing... =C

* * *

**NOTA BENE**

For disclaimer and author's basic note, please see PREFACE in the first page. Thank you.


	18. Chapter 17 What Dreams May Come

**17 – WHAT DREAMS MAY COME

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BELLA

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**

It was amazing how filthy rich people could command with just a flip of the phone. As we were eating a continental breakfast Edward had prepared on an uber clean kitchen, a lady in a blue and white uniform came with stuffed shopping bags. Clothes…my size. A tan long sleeved turtle neck, blue skinny jeans, a pair of brown soft boots, and a chocolate brown jacket. I was totally in awe not because the clothes looked great not to mention expensive, but because he had taken time to think of what size I wear.

"I hope it fits you. I saw them in the mannequin down the store when I went to buy food, I just waited for them to open." He grinned, looking at me as he continued chewing on his food, eyeing me as I inspect them. He explained he just played the size on his head, that he was unsure if it will fit me, and if I will even like them at all, adding "you look nice in brown". But I did not say anything because I was busy enjoying the sight of my new clothes, no matter how basic and simply may they be, it was from Edward.

"You can't go strutting the city on your black dress and heels or," he paused briefly, looking sideways to me, "or that shirt…though might I say you looked outright gorgeous on those," he added grinning again.

I stuck my tongue on him, "outright gorgeous…a longer version of a word I know that sounded like outrageous," folding the clothes on top of the shiny dining table. "You know…" I had to swallow first before I could continue on my words, "you should be wearing that smile all the time."

He looked as if caught off guard with my subtle praise, he shyly smiled and then flashed his grin again, making my heart climb a notch but I managed to hide it, I presumed, by laughing on his effort to gain more appraisals.

We drove on the busy street of Vermont from the tall building which had a Cullen name masked on a corporate logo in the elevator going straightly down to the parking lot. I dared to asked him afterward if we were using the same car from last night and that freaking hot night in Mariana, because as vague as my memory had stored I knew it has a black upholstery, and now we were sitting on a huge car with brown suede seat covers as we drive under a midday sun.

Apparently its different, one of his other cars, _out of my league, I know, _I muttered silently restraining myself from commenting further. He was totally clueless as to why girls were baring themselves to him; he was a man of God, a freaking wealthy man of God. Who wouldn't want a boyfriend with tons of money, who speaks like he lives with just the power of his tongue and who treats women like…a pricey possession? I mean, that's how I felt, maybe that's what I want to feel, nevertheless, it didn't sound bad at all to me, being a possession, because his caresses his stares felt like I was important to him, pricey possession, kind of like how my father took care of his Mercedes waxing it every minute he could and my mother polishing her diamond ring blowing air from her mouth.

"We'll be having lunch with someone, I hope it's just fine with you," he murmured making me pull away from my wandering stupid thoughts, thoughts that were making me feel wonderful.

"Wh--?" I mouthed, confounded, I felt like I swallowed my tongue. "I don't…I mean…would I just be fine? I mean, you with me?" I fumbled for words.

"Yeah!" He exclaimed. "Why not?"

"I don't know, maybe because someone will see you hanging out with a girl. Shouldn't that be some sort of illegal?"

He laughed, his grin, his sexy fucking grin pasted on his face. He must be teasing me. "You talk like I am bringing a shiny silver gun inside the Vatican. There is nothing illegal being friends with a beautiful woman," he said, giving me a sly look, "especially if that is--,"

"Stop right there." I muttered hastily, gaping my eyes on him. He made his laughter even rhythmic, making me laugh alongside. _You are fucking killing me Edward Cullen._

He led the way inside a cheap looking restaurant, running his eyes around, looking probably on the person we'll be seeing here. I couldn't help wonder how level headed Edward is, I mean, given everything that he has, just the size of that outrageously seductive place he has on top of a 60 something floor, he would have been dining in the best and priciest restaurant in this place. Not that it mattered to me, I was just curious and utterly awed that he was living just as he said he was, his multi-billion dollar fortune is not something he cared so much about.

I felt a jolt in my chest when I heard a sound of a woman's voice calling Edward's name. All the little things I have been thinking about just a while ago quickly vanished in thin air and I was now feeling agitated. Who is this woman? Why are we dining with her? I couldn't see who called Edward, he was moving toward a table with a girl standing behind it. I saw long fingers, nails painted in a French manicure snaked on Edward's neck. She was hugging him, but I still couldn't see her face, hidden behind Edward's body. The little thump inside my chest was becoming erratic; I think I am going to have a heart attack. _What is this? Am I feeling jealous? Stop it Bella, you don't have any right to be jealous. This is what you wanted. _I thought surly; I could feel my jaws gnawing.

Even before those French fingers trailed down from his neck, I saw Edward had a knuckle punch on someone wearing white long sleeved clothes, sitting behind the table in front of the girl who just embraced Edward. I don't know how I looked at the very moment, I don't want to get caught with gaping mouth or blazing eyes, or worst leaking eyes. I decided to entertain my sight on the maroon dirty looking tiles I was standing into.

And then I felt Edward's hand grazing on the small of my back, "This is Bella," he said in a manner I would like to think he was proud of presenting me. I was adamant to pull my head up acting like a child having a tantrum, but I am a big girl now and whatever or whoever is in front of me I should learn to deal with how I will feel. So I lifted my eyes, traveling on the seat of the girl first as Edward introduced me to her, "this is Rosalie, and this is Emmett."

Our meal was almost over, steak and steamed vegetables for me, but I still couldn't believe I was acting dead stupid a while ago. I tried to get hold of what they were talking about. Edward sitting beside me was talking animatedly with Emmett and Rosalie who were now sitting together, Emmett transferring immediately to her side when we arrived. They were talking about bowling. I couldn't immerse myself on their conversation because for one I never liked bowling and two I was busy thinking of other things. _Now you're numbering your thoughts too, _I silently chuckled.

Rosalie's shoulder was leaning on Emmett who had his hands under the table; they might be playing with each others hands as they casually talked to Edward, throwing me glances from time to time. She was pretty, slightly tanned, brunette, her eyes has a depth in them, like you look at them and you will instantly find yourself into a deep conversation. The way she talked has some hint of confidence, like she had already thought about her words wisely before she even open her mouth. Emmett on the other hand was like someone who was always ready to debate. His voice was round and deep and utterly loud, to think that they were only talking about bowling, what the hell is so interesting with that game that they have spent most of the time talking about it? Emmett's huge biceps were readily noticeable on the cream cotton long sleeved shirt he was wearing, the muscles on the back of his neck stood there proud like he was some wrestling dude. His eyes were small, yet blazing from its light blue hue. His lips were full and were always tugged into a smile. Bowling must be pretty awesome.

"Do you play bowling Bella?" asked Rosalie, making Emmett and Edward tilt their heads toward me. I so not like being the center of the attention. Confused for a moment, I shot a glance on Edward, his gaze melting me for the nth time, _what's with this guy? _"Um…no actually, I don't. I find it—," I trailed, half expecting they will leave me alone and go on with their conversation, but no, they were waiting for me, eyes fluttering like I have something really important to say that they couldn't miss, like the winning lottery numbers, _damn it, _I swallowed, "boring…I'm sorry," I immediately apologized, feeling something warm crept on my face, I must be blushing from shame. "It's just, I thought of sport as something that would…you know," I was desperately trying to redeem my tactless and thoughtless word vomit. "I mean something that I'd shed…tons of sweat. I'm sorry."

Emmett had a coughing fit, _great. _After a moment mouthing a silent apology, he smiled, "why would you say sorry, that is your opinion, and there's nothing wrong with it." He mumbled and then added a question after having a sip on his cola, "so what sports do you do?"

I had to chuckle, sheepishly twitching my mouth, "nothing," I mumbled, almost choking on my words, "I-uhh, I don't play any sports. I am afraid to get bruised." They laughed, but their laughter was not at all offensive that later I found myself joining them; they had this personality that I felt easily at ease.

"Emmett was my mentor when I entered Theology," Edward muttered sitting with his back on the couch, "Rose is a pre-school teacher," he added. I felt like an idea sprung to my head. Emmett was from the seminary, and Rosalie could be his girlfriend, wife even. How important were Emmett and Rosalie for Edward that he wanted me to meet them? He never mentioned them to me before, I knew his best friend was Jasper and if he ever talked about someone else other than Jasper, it was Jacob his obnoxious room mate.

I really wanted to ask them if they were as intimate as I think they are, but hesitated, thinking I wouldn't want anyone ask me if Edward and I were intimate too. Our lunch date come and gone, with me listening to their intellectual exchange of ideas, boring, and if not for Emmett's almost always sudden burst of laughter with even on a seemingly tiny matter, the conversation was a total bummer.

Edward didn't talk a lot inside the car, and if he did, he was pointing me into something that we were passing through as we drove in almost every corner of Vermont. I was itching to ask about Emmett and Rosalie, but I couldn't find the words to fire up a conversation about them. I will definitely sound prying.

In a traffic light he spoke again, "I wanted to bring you to the beach today to see the sunset, but," he glanced at me briefly as the light turned green. "I miscalculated the time, spending a lot of it talking nonsense with Emmett. It will be at least an hour drive from here and by the time we get there, Mr. Sun would probably be sleeping already."

I muffled a laugh, _Mr. Sun, _"I didn't realize that beach last night was that far from your place. That's alright, we can hang out in your apartment, we'll probably see him take an exit from your roof." His lips twitched into a small smile, "No, actually, last night's wasn't where I will be taking you this afternoon. We have a private resort at the back of the mountain of Caceres. It hosts a fantastic view of the sunset."

I gaped at him, once again finding myself absolutely dazzled by how out of my league he is. I took the chance to talk about what I have been thinking; dragging the small conversation away from the fact that he totally owns Vermont, "Emmett was a seminarian too?" I muttered, faking to have a good view out of the window.

"Used to be."

"What happened? Are they like a couple now?" Well I do sound really prying, but I have had the sudden urge to add them immediately so he might overlook it and won't think of the reason why I am asking.

"Emmett is in regency." He mumbled glancing on me. I didn't say anything instead stared at him waiting, he smiled nodding his head like he knew what I was thinking. And then he started talking.

Emmett apparently was on his last year in the Theology seminary when Edward came. He was the one responsible on some of Edward's settling-in stuff, something they had to rigorously watch for on the first semester of your first year in the Major Seminary. Emmett was to be ordained Deacon on his last semester but chose to leave the formation for a life outside it, deferring his ordination. Because of Rosalie. She was his girlfriend since high school. Emmett was currently working as a Religion teacher in the high school department of the university he graduated from, waiting for that final moment that the light would come and show him which one he'll choose.

By the time Edward stopped talking about everything he knew about Emmett and his love story with Rosalie, we were already sitting on the stairs of the empty dipping pool outside his penthouse, facing the slowly descending sun. His elbows were resting on the step behind him as he casually bounced his legs up and down while he talked. I was so engrossed with his story that I didn't notice I was almost a few inches away from his face, bent on to my place in the stairs, I was hugging my legs, my hands fingering the material of my new boots. And if not for him facing me, I could have stayed like that forever.

"I wanted you to meet them so you'll have a clear picture of a life of a seminarian," he murmured, gazing back on the horizon. I straightened on my seat, resting my arms on my knees, following his gaze. "Our life was not all about prayer and religion and being holy even though that is what we are expected to. We are human, and we have…needs. And…sometimes it comes to a point that it was so hard to distinguish what is morally wrong from what is ethically right, or legally right for that matter."

My face was into a subtle wince, I have no fucking idea what he was trying to say. He fell silent, and for a moment all that was surrounding us was the distant horns of cars down in the street. The wind was ruffling Edward's hair and so mine. I wanted to run my fingers on his hair, feel them once again, but just having the conversation about something that implies confusion, I know, physical contact, no matter how little they may be would surely send him to the pits of profound perplexity. And I wouldn't want to do that.

His fingers drummed on the steel handle on the side of the stairs, his feet stomped lightly, slowly like he was having a silent musical number in his mind. "That thing you sang this morning," I stopped for a moment, thinking of where will I bring this conversation that I just started, "that was Led Zeppelin, right? You're very good in guitar, do you realize that?"

He smiled and nodded shyly still looking on the horizon, "We all know how to play music instruments and somehow sing a tune, it's something you can't cut classes in the seminary," snorting, "you should see Jacob play, he's like a rock star," he said cheerfully running his fingers on his ribs like he was strumming an invisible guitar. "That reminds me, you should be joining the choir. We'll be having a 12 nights of Christmas caroling, proceeds go to homeless children we'll deliver gifts on Christmas Day, what do you say? I know you sing in your church choir, don't deny that, I saw you." He demanded quirking his eyebrows.

I made a muffled laugh, and nodded afterward. I guess caroling doesn't sound so bad, doing a little charity to pay for my sins. He stared at me for a while, looking amused of something that apparently present in my face, I must have a zit or something grosser than that. I felt conscious, stealthily running my palm in my face, faking to yawn. "That Led Zeppelin song, you liked it," he said, already convinced obviously. "Your face moved with every words." He added his feet still tapping on the tiled stairs.

"It was about a girl who thought she could enter heaven by buying a staircase going up," I chuckled lightly trying to make a colored conversation, but he didn't buy it, instead he sighed and murmured, "I didn't sing you that part."

Of course I know the part he sang for me, it was something about confusion and wondering, exactly what we were just talking about a moment ago. He is confused, I know that too, he already told me that a couple of times. He needed someone, just like he always did before. And here I am, instead of helping him to get to his se--,"

"Who is Mike?"

I felt like I swallowed a fly as I caught myself getting cut off mid-sentence in my inner conversation with myself. _How the hell did he know about Mike? Were we still the talk of town when he was in Virginia? I knew it, those altar boys were nothing but man-gossiper hiding behind their holy looking outfits. Or was it Jasper? I don't think it's him, I don't even think he knows about me and M—_

"Who's Mike?" he asked again, now twisting his body to face me, putting his legs horizontal to the stairs, resting his arms on top of his torso. I stared at him, for the longest time, trying to decipher what he was thinking from those thoughtful eyes looking back at me, slightly flushed cheeks and thin lips.

I had to escape from his piercing stares before I could gather the courage to speak about Mike on him, for the first time. "Mike was my ex-boyfriend."

"Why ex?"

_Seriously, you can be pretty intimidating if you wanted to Edward, _I sourly connoted, silently. I pressed my eyes shut, letting images of Mike ran through my head for a while refreshing my memory of the reason behind what seemed to be a perfect love affair. And with a long sigh, I started to talk looking at the blue and red streaks in the sky.

"I love Mike, I loved Mike, I mean. Ours were like, a match made in heaven, only not. When I was a kid, my father ran for Mayor in our town, he won and took office. One day, I was inside his office, playing with the tiniest sand pit I have ever seen on top of his table he used for relaxing, you know the little box with sand on it and a little rake…anyway.

"I was waiting for him, he promised we'll go fishing, he came, shouting and screaming, big huge men following him inside his office. They were fighting about something, that time I have no idea about. They dragged my Dad out of his office, strangled him and kicked him and…punched him in the face." My voice trembled as I recalled what I can remember from a very distant memory. I could feel my tears already in the brink of running down my cheeks, my eyes blurred, I was looking in the horizon but I couldn't see where I was staring. My head was filled with the very vivid memory of that day like it just happened yesterday. Something that even after so many years still gave me goose bumps.

"My father's face was filled with streaks after streaks of blood gushing down. I followed and screamed for help, but everyone else around me was just pulling me back, no one was trying to help. Someone was ordering the burly men to drag my father out of the office and the municipal building. They threw him away, and I was left in the steps of the office, crying, screaming yet I could no longer hear my voice.

My family never talked about it again, Mom would scold me if I ask about it and would just end our conversation with 'you're still young to understand. We left Virginia for a while to live with my grandparents' estate outside town. When we came back, my best friend left our town for good, and I was left with my old classmates who have been friends for quite a while, and me being new again sort of, seemed to have no place in their world. I was in middle school then, struggling to fit, trapped between being a girl and feeling like a boy, joining every extra curricular activity just to feel I belong somehow.

One time, we went to the nearby town to participate in a marching band competition, where we won, someone approached me, and asked for my name, he said he's been seeing me a long time ago from his school which was on my way to my school. Mike. He was sweet, charming, funny and most of all apparently well-known. He was the Mayor's son. Everything went well; I suddenly found myself the center of attention in my school, an average girl, dating the super hot Mayor's son. I didn't know that there was something more about being the center of attention.

When for the first time I invited Mike in my house after dating a year behind my parents' back, I thought it was the right time for them to know who I was spending my time all night talking on the phone or sneaking on a Sunday Mass just to have a very long walk in the beach. It was going okay, my mother's steak was perfect, my father was calm and nice to him; but not until he asked whose son was he."

I paused for a while, bowing my head to hide the anxiety that was definitely coloring me head to toe. Looking on the light blue tiny tiles covering the empty pool, I could see from the side of my eyes that Edward's eyes were glued on my face, his right hand resting on top of one of the steps, flexed into a fist, knuckles white.

I had to clear my throat before I could proceed, looking on my cold fingers, catching a sight momentarily of a lock of my hair swaying in front of my face, dancing against the cold afternoon wind.

"Dad was furious; he almost dragged Mike out of the house accusing him of baiting me to once again ruin his life. At that time I didn't know what he was talking about. All I know on that very moment was…I was really hating my Dad, I could even remember swearing I will never forgive him for eternity. I never went out of my room when my parents were home; it lasted for like a week I think. I never talked to my friends, Mike never called me again. And I was so hurt because I knew I have hurt him by this 'father-thinks-no-one-is-good-enough-for-his-little-girl' thing. I hated the world. Until finally my mother had cornered me in the backyard, moping on our then little hut. She explained me everything, the reason behind my father's fury that night."

A snort came out of me, looking briefly on Edward. His eyes bore a tell-tale sign of concern, his face solemn, not a single twitch on his perpetually expressive lips. "You might have already guessed it, but yeah, for the sole purpose of entertaining you with my life story, I will continue my blabbering," I muttered, trying to sound casual by putting a sound of hilarity on my voice.

"Mike is the son of the guy who ordered my father's extraction from his seat in the Mayor's office. She was, I mean my mother was…in disbelief that I didn't know anything about that, that I didn't know that Mike was his son, the Mayor's son. Heck, I didn't even know that he became the Mayor of town after what he did to my family!"

I took a moment of silence to rethink what I was going to say next. I know whatever he's going to learn about me after this conversation might convince him that I was absolutely a bad influence, that I won't do him any good. "You see, my father was accused of cheating to win the Mayoral vote. He lost when the case was brought up to the high courts. My life felt crumbling hearing my mother told me the stories about how they cope up with everything that happened to our life, hiding from everyone from humiliation brought by the decision of the courts. I have of course no idea about those because they decided to leave me out of what politics have brought to our lives."

"I started to pick up my life and returned to school, avoiding the road that leads to Mike's school where we always see each other before me going to my own school. The attention given to me by those around became more apparent, and by that time, I understood what the murmurs were all about, buzzing that I never paid attention to. It was a painful realization that not all things that glitter were diamond, I had a perfect life—well, for my own taste at least, I had a perfect lover, but everything went popping just because Mike and I were standing on different sticks with the same polarity.

After a long agonizing months of recovery from my first heart break, I was walking one night from a Bible study when someone pulled me and began kissing me. I was already squirming under the palm that was covering my mouth when he whispered on my ears. It was Mike, and apparently he had been hiding in the dark stalking me until he was sure I was home safe. He explained why was he not showing up or calling me at least. His parents hated the fact that he was dating an enemy's daughter. If I can remember it correctly, his words were 'they had a shitload of anxiety over his son madly in love with an enemy'. I never even thought he was in love with me until that night. He never told me he loves me, he just always tells me he likes me a lot. That was the first time we made love…in the corner of someone else's house."

A smile crept into my face, suddenly washed by those wonderful times Mike and I spent together, but that smile quickly dissipated when I remembered that all those times we thought we're having a good time, we were actually hiding, from everyone else. "We made it to a three year count, but you can just imagine all the obstacles we had around us. We were always fighting, and the reason was not because of our differences but almost always because of everything that was being fed to us by our friends and our families. Nobody likes us together, it's like us against the world. There came a time when my father hired a body guard for me afraid that Mike's parents would harm me when Dad decided to run again as a Mayor, convinced by his followers that he was the one cheated after all. I was able to shed a little light on my parents' view that Mike and his parents weren't the same people. Mike loved me, and I think they somehow believed that. They saw how Mike took care of me, how happy we look together. Mike was allowed to come to my house, only when they're there, but I wasn't allowed to be out with him. We would sneak out just to have a normal teenage love affair. But everything has an end, every love story needs to end, and sadly love stories sometimes don't have a fucking happy ever after."

I somehow managed to end my words without trembling though inside me I could feel my heart aching. I knew, my relationship fell off because I didn't fight for us.

"What happened?"

Edward's voice which was muted for quite a long while startled me, making me gawk at him. Inside I was sullenly muttering my remorse of ever opening that part of my life again; it felt like a bandage was pulled forcibly on my wound that was still on the process of healing. It bled, it fucking bled. And I, once again found myself swimming in the pool of the misery I had put myself in.

"I gave up."

There was a long pause in my side, with me feeling every labored beating of my heart inside my chest. I kept on opening my mouth finding the right words to say, until I had the courage to proceed. "I thought there was no point in fighting something that was utterly unwinnable. I wasn't made of a movie star heroine who could defeat an army of werewolves with her bare hands." I muttered; my lips in a hard line as I looked down on him. "I was a wuss, no...I am a wuss, a coward as Mike called me. That night before we broke up, his mother pulled me in a corner after a Bible study in the church. It's funny how we all live together in a very small community of church, seeing each other every Mass, but still their hatred for each other was not dissolved with the idea of being 'brothers and sisters in the eyes of God', their hatred was only veiled by their faith. Her mom said hurtful words on me, how she hated me and that whatever happens they will never leave Mike and I alone, that we would fucking be hiding all our lives."

I fell silent, running my fingers on my legs to warm them on my jeans. My eyes drifted on the slowly dipping sun on the horizon, leaving a muted glow that was already beginning to drown from the blazing and flickering city lights. I felt his hand landed on mine, running his fingers slowly on top of it. I sighed, leaving the sight of the portion of the sky where the sun was moment ago lazily scooting down. "I don't like complications Edward. I am too weak for…fucking fighting against the world. I want a life where nobody cares what you are, where you're from, a life where I and my lover would just think of how to make each other happy and not mind what other people will think or what they would approve." I mumbled, lightly running my thumb on a portion of his hand that I could reach.

I wanted to tell him how I feel about him, that the only thing making me stay friends with him despite the reality of what I truly feels about him was the thought that I felt happy seeing him, being with him, and the contradicting thing, the reason why I couldn't go further the road of our friendship was the fact that this too was a hopeless scenario, an absolute no 'happy ever after' thing. And I was, in no mood for that again.

**

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**NOTA BENE**

For disclaimer and author's basic note, please see PREFACE in the first page. Thank you.


	19. Chapter 18 Sing Me a Song

**18 – SING ME A SONG

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****BELLA

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**

It was a relief somehow to open up to Edward. That night as he drove me home, he asked me bits about Mike, and asked me several times to describe him again. He wanted to know why I didn't fight for our relationship, and though I know I have already explained to him, I patiently explained myself again after he convinced me that the only reason he was asking was, he failed to see what's the reason of fighting for something that in the end you'll turn your back in to. Of course, like any of our arguments about some stuff like why girls can't read maps, or why boys doesn't like shopping, and even why you don't have to use baking powder if you're already using self-raising flour, it was pointless. Both of us have different notion about things, and I respect that. He viewed it like something like a waste of time that I tried to fight and then get tired and walked away. For him, I should have just turned my back away while there was still plenty of time. I argued, as usual that that was probably the reason why I finally said goodbye because I was running out of time.

"It was absolutely vexing that he needed to touch you," his voice then was trembling like he was cold or something. I figured he was all about morality again, that he was against what I had let myself go through before being convinced that it was time to leave.

I remember telling him when we arrived in front of my apartment, "You know Edward, losing something for the sake of giving happiness to someone so dear to you was something you shouldn't be afraid of. I gave myself to Mike for the first time, because that very moment I know there was only him in my heart. He was my first, and you know what they say, you will always remember your first, not your second, not the longest or the fattest or the biggest, but your first—Sorry, I was just kidding. I mean…what I was trying to say, don't feel sorry for me that I lost myself with Mike. Our love story might have not ended in fairytale-ish ending, but it made me who I am today."

I had the courage to run my fingers on the locks of bronze hair that had fallen on his forehead, almost teasing his eyes. "Don't be afraid to follow your dreams. Time will come you'll find out if you made the right decision. It might be the bestest decision you have ever made or it may turn out to be a total failure. But don't be afraid, follow the road, stumble on the rocks, get up, and when you get to the dead end, you still have another way, going back, tracing your footsteps but this time, you won't stumble again, you won't fall again, because you've been there, you already knew that road."

He didn't say anything, instead he copied me, tucking my hair behind my ears before he dodged to the backseat of his car—his old car with black upholstery that might I just add was actually a silver Volvo, and then gave me the huge bouquet of blue roses, pulling one stem cutting it to a smaller stem and then inserted it behind my ear, muttering, "mysterious, indeed."

Nothing had changed; he was walking me again to school in the morning. In the afternoon after my class, I would see him in the church for the carol practice, bringing me home afterward for dinner. And when the night of caroling started, I had the privilege to see him again at night, singing our hearts out for little amount of money, that most of the time we didn't even mind checking how much. We were enjoying each other's company, and I found myself falling deeply on him, despaired that I was in no intention of being intimate with him. I would always catch myself looking blankly on his face, nothing running in my head but the feel of those lips into mine, the warm traces of his breath on my skin.

Last night after a night with the carolers, he walked me home, as usual, and then stayed in front of my apartment for a while, sitting on the gutter of the walkway, staring on the starry night, as he was playing with the tall grass that had found its way on the crack of the cemented road. We were talking about Jasper and Alice. I told him that Alice has been feeling a little annoyed of his friend. I was actually asking him to talk a little sense to his friend. "You know…I never thought Jasper could be such a fucking dickhead."

He gasped and then coughing between his muffled laughter, and for a while I thought he had swallowed a fly or something, until he spoke, "For a person with so much church orientation, you curse a lot," he said and even with the dimmest of the dimmest I could see the seductive twinkle of his eyes as it flickered looking sheepishly on me.

"Oh…I'm sorry, sometimes I tend to forget that I am with a man of God."

He chuckled, raking his forehead off of his straying hair, "you…" he cleared his throat when he croaked, "you actually made it sound…so—right."

"I have never heard you curse before, I mean, I must have but it sounded so lame like, darn it or damn it or to hell," I mumbled, crossing my arms to my knees facing him tentatively. "Come on, let's try it with you, let's see how you'll feel. You can easily ask for forgiveness, I mean, knock on your rector's door and you'll be like 'forgive me father for I have sin' just like that," I teased.

"No." He said in a firm voice though the smile in his lips was not hidden in how he said that tiny word.

I huffed, turning away from him, "you are no fun sometimes you know that?"

His laughter rattled ending it with almost a gasp of breathless, and then he pulled the material of my sweater like he was a toddler trying to get my attention. "I have no reason to."

I was in definite mood to tease him, feeling the lightest feeling tonight, the school's out for semestral break, I think I did well on my final exams and heck we made a lot of money by just singing Joy to the World nonchalantly, easy, fucking easy actually. I turned to face him again, "Come on Edward, just one. Say fff…ff--ffuck. See it's as easy as saying ice cream." I muttered; joining him afterward in a series of laughter.

"Fuck." He said, "There, happy?" It might be dark but I know he felt awkward saying that word because a moment later he put his face down to his stretched arms that were resting on top of her propped up knees.

"Fuck what?"

When he pulled his head up again, he was into an inaudible laughter, his shoulders shaking, brushing me briefly. He shook his head. _I know, I suck, I was just having a good time. "_Fuck you." He said no hint of smile in his voice.

Hearing him said the words I have almost always incorporated in my everyday expression of feelings with such an intensity made my brain go into a sort of tentative state of shock. I had the naughtiest smile playing behind my lips in my head. If Edward was nowhere near a man chasing everything moral and holy, I would go into a week of fucking inside his room from just the sound of him uttering fuck you, _fuck me_. It was too damn sexy that I felt it crawling inside every string of my muscles.

"Did I pass?" Edward murmured lowering his head near my face, trying to see my expression. Something I would hate for him to see. So I bit my lips and tried to look pleased but not for the same reason.

"I am such a bad influence on you." I said, muffled in laughter, "see, you shouldn't chose me be your friend. There were lots of other nice girls in St. Anne, you'd find one in --,"

"No, you're not," he cut off, "you only curse when you're…either too angry, or overly excited."

I clucked my tongue sounding not at all convince with what sounded to me as compliment. He bumped me by my side, letting me go off balance to my side making me throw my hand on the rough floor. "I pay attention on you." He added.

Laughter was supposed to be what I will be letting out hearing him admit he was actually paying attention to the words I say, instead, it came out as a muffled groan. My hand had been bruised by the accidental forceful sliding on the rough pavement. He immediately pulled my hand, and then muttered, "Oh fuck I hurt you."

Instead of grunting again on the stinging tiny cut on my palm, I found myself laughing on what he said, punching him with my injured hand on his bicep. "Don't say that. Your Dean will expel you. I will be banned in the church."

Under the moon and the twinkling stars, he held my hand, blowing comforting tiny gust of wind on it. It didn't ease the pain of course, but it did felt good, if only for some stolen moments of happiness. Had it not for the call he got from Jasper, he wouldn't leave. He sounded a little agitated when he put down the phone, leading me to the stairwell and then onto the doorstep of my apartment.

I went to bed wearing a smile remembering he asked to see me earlier in the afternoon tomorrow to have an early dinner in his favorite restaurant across the church. I was definitely swimming, happily swimming in a forbidden sea. _Fuck me._

* * *

I helped Alice pack her things, she was going away for the semestral break, spending time with her family this Christmas. I of course don't have any plans of going home for the Christmas vacation. I figured, I'd rather mope inside my room here rather than mope inside my room in Virginia; at least I get to see Edward from time to time.

She was once again telling tales of Jasper's indecipherable thoughts, non-stop, clothes after clothes in her pink trolley luggage, and by the time the luggage was full, I felt like I was one and a half spilling of everything Jasper. I couldn't tell her what I kept on telling myself, that seminarians were way too fragile and to have a firm grip on them will cause them to shatter into pieces.

I think she was falling for Jasper. Who wouldn't? Jasper is a pretty thing, sexy, charming and always clean. Alice's type of guy. He'll go better with Alice, they're like a movie star couple. Alice is the type who wanted to be treated like a girl, she's uber fashionable, and always take time to make everything perfect. I think Jasper is kind of like that too. I mean, judging by the way he carries himself, almost always passive and formal. He has this aura that's like telling you something like 'if you're the type of girl who'll drink into a plastic cup, you'd better step aside', he was more of an out of reach kind of thing. At least Edward, he might own the world but he acts like a total lower class individual. I mean he doesn't even wear a watch.

"Girl, take it easy, alright. Jasper is…let's just say, probably, confused of what he wants. I mean, its really very frustrating choosing between being celibate your whole life as opposed to shagging a very beautiful creature like you," I teased my mouth protruding into a pout to copy how she actually look at the very moment.

"There's not even a comparison Bella," Alice said sullenly pulling the tip of my hair that was tied in half, hanging in either side of my shoulders. "By the way aren't you going home for Christmas?"

"No," I grumbled, standing from her bed, pulling the handle of her luggage. I winced when my palm flexed feeling the already sore bruise I had last night. "It's just a short vacation; I don't have anything to do in the house. My parents are always out," I said, fanning my hand up and down in front of me.

"What happened to your hand?"

"Oh nothing I just had a minor accident last night, scraped it on the road." I groaned, starting on my way out of her room. She chuckled, raising an eyebrow, "What were you doing in the road with Edward late at night?" She asked, her tone definitely colored with something else other than sheer amusement.

I rolled my eyes, balking on the door drumming my fingers on it, "Nothing. Anyway, I'll be out in a moment, do you need anything else before you leave? Your gift, have you found it yet?" I muttered chuckling. I hid her gift somewhere in the house for her to find, and I have no idea if she was able to find it.

She walked toward me, enclosing me into a very tight hug, "It took me a while to defrost the bracelet," she said, tugging the sleeves of her sweater to show me the bracelet I got her, dangling already on her arm. "I'll miss you girl, don't shag Edward too much, he might realize he wanted you instead."

I lightly punched her on her stomach, saying my good bye finally, "Shut up. You take care and don't drive with your eyes closed." Making my way down the stairs of the apartment, I was feeling a little bit of sadness, Alice has been a part of me already, she has been like a sister to me, even for just a semester of spending time everyday. I left her in the house, it was because I was feeling kind of sulking seeing her go away. And even if the reason for me leaving earlier was because Edward had texted me to come early, it didn't make me feel a lot better.

Earlier this morning, I awoke feeling sore from the bruise I had in my hand. Nonetheless, the text I got from Edward somewhat made me feel lighter, sunnier, I guess is the best word. He texted me to see him the church by 3 p.m., earlier than what we agreed last night of 5 p.m., he needed to finish his thesis first, 'so I can show you' he said in his text.

It was still early for the 3 p.m. rendezvous but I really don't feel like moping around the house with Alice getting ready to leave, I'm sure I will just be all emotional. I have nothing to do, so I decided to go to the church early. Pay a visit, take a little time off to say a little prayer, repent for maliciously befriending a man intended to serve God.

I have not visited the church for the sole purpose of talking to God. I mostly spent my time talking to Edward near the choir benches; in front of the burning candles; beside the confessional box and even in the church bell tower; and even if I attended masses in every day possible, kind of like securing my spot on the train to heaven as Alice put it, it was only because I wanted to see Edward or him to see me.

As I walked inside the church, the smell of the burning candles nearby soothed me immediately; the muted lighting, frosted colored windows, piercing eyes of every statues crept inside of me, I could feel my hair raising stiffly. It was like literally speaking, God is watching over me.

A few teenagers flocked behind the last rows of the pews, their voices echoing freakishly in every corner of the church. They were hissing at each other, giggling about something I couldn't get hold of. Two elderly women walked in the center aisle, on their knees, their fingers thumbing a long rosary, swaying as they moved closer to the altar with their heads directly looking at it. A middle aged woman kneels in one of the pews in the middle of the room, her head and her face covered with a white lacy veil.

I found a spot in the right wing of the church, sitting on the bench, my eyes were focused on the statue that was a bigger version of the statue of Our Lady of Fatima outside in the grotto. A loud gasp came out of my mouth, bouncing in the peaceful corner of the church when out of nowhere someone spoke beside me. "What are you doing Bella?"

It was Jasper, dressed in his usual attire, a long sleeved shirt folded to the middle of his forearm, his hair was once again neatly combed in a side-swept manner, some of the tips poking his left eyebrow.

"Oh...um, I was just waiting for Edward, he's going to show me his thesis." I mumbled after I have recovered from my momentary sort of heart attack. "Hey you look great; I really never thought I'll see you here in the seminary. I don't think anyone knows you're studying here." I started blabbering, I have never spoke to Jasper, even if we were almost always together during our caroling, I could still feel a little star struck with him, being my crush back in Virginia.

He just nodded, his face blank of expression or if it did have an expression it wasn't of the same enthusiasm I was feeling, he was nonchalant, or worst, seemingly annoyed. "Yeah," he murmured, "I know. But what are you doing here?" He reiterated.

I glanced sideways, confused of what he was trying to say, "Umm...I was waiting--," I was about to tell him what I just said thinking he must have not heard me the first time I said it, but he cut me off just in time for me to almost swallow my tongue.

"I heard what you said, what are doing here?" Jasper asked again.

I was beginning to feel weirded with how he is acting. His eyebrows seemed to be looking like two sharp carets, his lips were pouted in seriousness, his elbow rested on the backrest of the pew, stiff, his voice were low yet it was hissing. "I don't know what you mean Jasper." I muttered, sounding a little bit grainy. I looked up to him and found his eyes, those blue eyes that felt so serene and captivating were now blazing with something, not at all looking amused or anything that sounded or meant the same.

"Oh I think you do know what I wanted to hear. You know what I meant." He grumbled, easing his eyes away from me, just to drag it back with a piercing intimidating look. What is with these guys and the ambiguity? Why can't they just say what they wanted to say? Is this what they were teaching in the seminary, to talk like a total sarcastic philosopher? I twitched my lips; I was beginning to grow impatient. I glanced around, _where the fuck is Edward?_ When my eyes went back to where he was sitting, his eyes were still on me, unmoving like prying.

"Why don't you just ask me straight forward jasper? I don't have time talking philosophically."

"That is not philosophical talking--,"

"I don't care what it is...I don't give a damn!" I muttered, loudly. I never thought Jasper was this…prick.

"Watch your language; you're in the house of the Lord." Jasper muttered back, lowly yet with definitive tone. I stared at him, my jaws were clenching. I don't want to speak anymore, because I know the next time I open my mouth, I would either burn directly inside the church or an army of priests and everything holy will come armed with gun ready to fire squad me. I am so furious. I have a pretty good idea what Jasper was talking about, what he was trying to insinuate. But I don't want to start a fight, not with someone who acts like a total bitch.

"Edward is in the brink of confusion, and the last thing he needs is a girl like you. You see Bella, we need someone to give us inspiration, not someone who would drag us away from what we think is right. Edward has been hanging out with you for the longest time, see, he wasn't even able to finish his thesis in time for the submission yesterday. He was trailing away from the path, the path that he had worked harder from the very start. He doesn't need you right now, you were just clouding his mind."

My eyes stung from the feel of restraining my tears to fall down. My chest pounded noisily, my jaws ached, I need to talk, I need to say something. To hell with firing squad, or burning in flames, "And this is what...coming from someone who doesn't even know if he really wanted my friend after fucking her several times?" My voice snapped like a crispy dried leaf, and though it was trembling, I was able to finish it without letting a single drop of tear.

He looked uneasy, clenching his jaws, his eyes softened a bit, only to stare at me again with a raised eyebrow. "You have no business with my relationship with Alice. She exactly know what she was getting herself into--,"

"What?! Is that what you think?" I grumbled, my face surely contorted into an utter expression of fury, "I just spent the whole morning talking about you with Alice. Why don't you fucking leave her alone if you're just going to play with her emotions?" I croaked, my voice already giving away a hint that I was about to cry. "And you think you were the most righteous person in the seminary--,"

"You don't know anything about relationship, why don't you go home and fix the crumbled life you left in your town, that way your boyfriend would at least feel sorry he dumped you."

My hand instantaneously landed on his face slapping him, it echoed on the walls like someone just smack the wall with a bunch of paper. His head tilted to the side, his hand following, clasping where my hand landed, "you are a fucking asshole!" I gritted, my eyes gaping on him, and then I flew on the balls of my feet.

Edward was just a few benches away from us muttering, "there you are". I rushed past him, hiding my face from him on the veil of my ponytailed hair. I heard him call my name but I was already running, rushing to get home. My tears found its way and began trailing down my cheeks like it was having some sort of race. I could feel my every muscle trembling from anger. What right has Jasper have to tell me to fix my life. What does he know about fixing my life? He doesn't even know what I have been through; unless Edward had fucking told him. I was almost about to fall on my knees as I half jog going back to my apartment. I was for a moment determined to tell Alice what Jasper said, but the moment I saw the gate of our building, all of the ill thoughts I have dissipated thinking I would be totally hurting Alice had she know that apparently, Jasper was just treating her as something other than special.

I so wanted to slap Jasper the fact that I knew he had been sneaking in our apartment at night to have a good night sleep fuck with Alice, or the fact that I once walked on them all spread wide on the couch, but I inadvertently omitted them because at that moment I didn't have enough decent words to accompany them to make it sound less…degrading. But as I entered our apartment, seeing the couch were they once shared a passionate night, I sullenly thought I should have shoved it right on his fucking ass.

Alice's bags were all packed, resting on the floor near the door. She emerged from the kitchen, all dressed, holding her huge round hairbrush. "Back so soon?" She mumbled, walking toward her room, I managed to turn a bit away from her to hide my anxiety drenched face.

"Yeah, I'll be in my room," I muttered, clearing my throat, the last thing I would want is for her to have any idea of what had happened to me a while ago, I really wasn't sure I could keep myself from dragging her away from Jasper with just my persuasion. He was somewhat right, Alice knows what she was getting into.

I half-ran to my room, kicking my door walking directly toward my bathroom. I couldn't come out like this, I was puffing out smoke of anger.

* * *

A/N

Now I found a reason to hate an all too sweet and sexy Jasper...for a change.

Come away with me gurls! Would you leave something to read? Come on...please?

**

* * *

NOTA BENE**

For disclaimer and author's basic note, please see PREFACE in the first page. Thank you.


	20. Chapter 19 Wash Me Off of Doubt

**19 – WASH ME OFF OF DOUBT

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****EDWARD

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**

I almost hadn't sleep, cramming to finish my thesis that was due yesterday, I actually didn't want to sleep at all last night, spending a starry night with Bella on her apartment, had it not for Jasper's call. I spent probably the whole night arguing with him, about the reason why I wasn't able to prepare my thesis on time. I know I told him about Bella, and how I was feeling utterly happy with my friendship with her, but I never knew he would make such a fuss out of it.

3 p.m. stroke and I was already flying inside the church, eyeing everyone in the corner for Bella. I saw her in the far benches at the side of the church, talking to Jasper. I thought they were just talking about something, almost hearing muffled words and hisses from a far. It's not until Bella stormed past me that I realized they were actually fighting.

Utterly perplexed as to what they could have been fighting about, I paced toward Jasper who was sitting in the bench, his arms stretched on the back of the bench in front of him, like he was praying, only not kneeling but sitting.

"What was that all about?" I inquired, my voice reverberating on the walls. The scent of incense that usually calms me instantly was in no effect with the anxiousness I was feeling. He didn't reply and stayed on his position. "Jasper!" I muttered with a more commanding voice.

He was shaking his head, his soft features even more looked like a meek sheep, "I'm sorry Dude. I was just--, I didn't mean…"

My eyes grew wider almost reading what he was trying to say, "What did you do?" I asked; my voice the deepest as it could ever be.

"I'm sorry," he paused for a minute, tugging his eyesight down like a gesture of surrender, "I was just telling Bella to lay low for a while, it was af--,"

"Why the fuck would you do that?"

His voice raised as he rose from his seat too, "that's why!" gesturing with her hand up and down my body, "she's not good for you. Look at you, you hardly sleep, you're always late in classes, you missed deadlines, and now you're cursing? Why are you so fond of Bella when all she makes you is someone who doesn't even remember what he wan--…"

He didn't finish what he was about to say, my hand flew on his collar pulling him up, shoving him on the back of the bench beside him, "fix it…or I swear to God I am going to rip your head off," I uttered, my voice full of threat, leaving him afterward, gasping, bewildered most probably of how harsh I acted, but I couldn't care less. I was already running toward Bella's apartment, the plastic folder I just purchased new for my thesis was already half folded at my flexing hand.

I was cursing on my way, muttering words that I was not used to saying, and I didn't even think less of Bella that she had in some way influenced me to speak a language that was partly foreign to me. I am not a child and I do not appreciate being told of what to do and what not, especially if I knew it all by myself.

Utterly impatient, I rang the bell of Bella's apartment, two times. Alice opened the door; she was holding her cellphone in her left hand, talking. She didn't say a word to me instead pointed with her thumb on Bella's door, and before I could say something, she has stepped out of the door, leaving me alone in the living room.

It was quiet inside the apartment, the dark curtains on the huge window near the corner was pulled to the side inviting a dull sun shine from outside. Something hangs in the air, a scent of vanilla. I called Bella, once and then twice, but she didn't answer. I have been inside this apartment before with Bella, but I never had the chance to step inside her bedroom, not that I was thinking of doing so, so I was feeling a little adamant of stepping inside. But as I near the ajar door I called again and she didn't answer, I felt a prick of panic.

I continued saying her name as I slowly stepped inside her room. It was huge, probably as big as my room in the seminary, maybe even bigger. It looked so spacious given that the only furnishings that were there was a single sofa, a bed and a closet. I caught a sight of an open door, and a muffled voice, I hurried my pace I have been so involved on Bella that even the tiniest sound she made was already so familiar to me.

Horrible images were already playing on my mind, making me step even faster. Instantly, I felt like my feet became nailed where I was standing, my world wind up making me lean on the door frame for support. There was Bella in the bathtub, covered in a half full of water, bubbles moving slowly on top of it, the smell of vanilla lingering in the air. She must be moving her legs under water causing a shallow whirling of water making tiny splatters of water in the pink rug on the floor. White strings wound on her neck on to her ears, her lips twitching, letting out some muffled sound, she was humming, listening music on her iPod. I could see her full breasts jutting out of the water, the peaks of it stiff playing with the tiny white bubbles. A loud gasp came out of my mouth, partly of the glorious scene in front of me but mostly because she was crying, tears were streaming down her cheeks, like it was from a lazy shower head.

I stiffened on my place when she startled and almost slid down the bathtub, gasping for air, wincing from the water that had gone inside her mouth. I know my face was as white as paper, I could feel my throat itched, I must have my eyes bulging from embarrassment. I was caught ogling her…while she's in the tub, naked.

My hands suddenly flew on my eyes to cover them, turning around hastily, "I'm…I'm sorry…I didn't--," I muttered but didn't finish it, pacing out of the bathroom toward the living room. I felt like a candle that just melted from burning, sitting on the couch with my back on Bella's door, I hid my face on my palms. _It's so humiliating. I shouldn't have looked, but…argh…_I silently grumbled, defeated with my strong earthly callings.

I waited anxiously for Bella in the living room, I really expected that she won't come out after what I just did, but I was willing to wait until she gets tired and maybe she'll come out. I mean, I know Alice will be leaving tonight; her bags were already on the doorway. I'm sure Bella's going to come out somehow to bid her farewell.

My nonsense thoughts suddenly were cut-off by Bella's sultry voice mumbling, "What are you doing here Edward?" I sprang to my seat and strode toward her anxiously. "B--," I stuttered, hiding my humiliation by fingering my hair, "I'm sorry…I didn't mean to look at you…I just got worried. I've been calling you but you didn't answer."

She didn't say a word for a moment, my eyes trailed down from her bare feet, still wet, dripping wet, her foot prints glistening in the floor. I could see her cleavage, shimmering from the bath water, her chest was heaving air, her head was tilted to her side, and looking in my eyes seriously her face was contorted with something, sadness I think.

"Whatever Jasper told you…it isn't true," I muttered I could feel the strained voice coming out of my dry throat. She didn't move instead her eyes jumped looking in all corners of my face, I stepped closer to her, closer until I could almost feel the air coming out of her mouth, her chest rising up and down in a manner that tells me she was having a hard time breathing.

My eyes ran from her veiled eyes, her cheeks flushed red, her lips agape, and a moment later my lips were already on top of hers, tasting it in little smacks, one two three little wet kisses. And then my little kisses grew wilder when I felt her snaked her hands on the nape of my neck, under the band of the collar of my sweatshirt. I tilted my head, trying to get deeper on her, my fingers tangled on her wet hair clasping her tiny face.

Gasps and whimpers soon came rushing out of our busy mouths, our kisses growing deeper and hotter by the minute, until we heard keys jiggling on the keyhole outside of the apartment's door.

Bella quickly pulled away from me, backing out, striding toward her door and then closing it with a definitive click. I was left standing, still stiff from the momentary exchange of fervent kisses. And if not from the murmurs I heard when the door opened, I won't be able to move and step closer to the couch.

Alice with Jasper came inside the apartment, talking lowly about something. Alice was the one who spoke first while Jasper stayed near the closed door, his head pulled down, not meeting my stare. "Did you get to talk to Bella?" Alice asked, throwing her keys on a plate that was on top of a little table beside the door.

I sat myself on the couch, holding both my hands that were still damp from clasping Bella's wet hair, I cleared my throat before I spoke, "Umm, yeah, she's…in her room. She probably will be out in just a while."

Alice strode toward Bella's door, passing behind me. I felt her hand tapped my back lightly; I must have looked very stiff, sitting straightly in the couch, _guilty of something. _I banged my back on the backrest of the couch, rubbing my hands on my jeans acting casually. Alice knocked on Bella's door, "Bella?" she called. "Jasper wants to talk to you, come outside," she added marching back near the door, to mutter, "take a sit Jasper, I'll be in the kitchen to prepare something to drink" and then disappeared in the beaded curtains of the kitchen

My eyes were fixated on the orange plastic cover where my thesis was inside. It was on top of the long table in the middle of the two couches where Jasper and I sat separately. The folder has a fold in the middle from too much pressure it got from my hands gripping it harder on my way here. I could see Jasper in my periphery. He was resting his elbows on his knees, his hands joined together, fidgeting.

I don't want to look up at him, I am so angry of what he did, that I am not sure I will be able to find nice words to say to him. He's been my best friend the entire formation, saying nothing when it comes to me getting involved on girls. And even when I got too caught up with drinking on my Minor years, he was just there raising a red flag, talking small talks on me, but never this. I could tell from Bella's tears that she had been pretty hurt by whatever Jasper had told her. I have no idea what, because last night, Jasper was talking to me something about me getting so tied up with Bella that I couldn't concentrate anymore. And I know, what he had told me in the church this afternoon might actually be the same thing he had said to Bella.

Bella's door creaked open. I saw Jasper stood up, shoving his hands inside his jeans' pocket. I didn't look behind. I was just staring at Jasper's jeans, straining my ears for any sound that might come out of Bella's lips. I was stiff, one because, I have no idea what Bella was thinking about this very moment, about the kiss I mean; two, would she talk to Jasper and three, will I be allowed to stay here to listen to their conversation?

I do not want to listen to their conversation of course, well, I want but only for the main reason that I do not want Jasper saying something that might further hurt Bella, but I know, Jasper won't probably talk when I am around.

Thankfully, Alice poked her head on the noisy bead curtain saving me from penalizing my head of something as petty as to stay or not to stay. "Edward," she called waiting for me to turn my head toward her before she spoke again, "Why don't you help me here in the kitchen first, and give those kids some…alone time."

I gave her a little nod, clearing my throat; I spun and threw a tiny second look on Bella who was standing near her door, now wearing more decent clothes, a black button down sweatshirt over a pair of dark pants. Making a silent groan, I stepped inside the kitchen, unaware of what I might be seeing inside.

Alice was there of course, standing lazily with her back on the sink, using the sink's frame for support. She was sporting a timid smile as she pointed me to one of the wooden chairs with pink seat cushions, and then walked silently toward the refrigerator offering me afterward a can of Coke.

She sat on my right side, I had my hands' heels resting on the edge of the table as I played with the beads of moist trickling down the cold Coca Cola can. I know she was looking at me, but I didn't pay much attention with it because I was trying to have a grip on the muffling sounds of voices outside the room.

"You love Bella, don't you?" Alice said. I felt a jolt on my chest. No one has ever asked me that, not even Jasper, not even me to myself, I think. When I gaze up onto Alice, she had this most…assuring smile I have seen in ages. It's like the smile of my mother I remembered when she was encouraging me to go on with biking even after I have fallen down for a hundred times making me think of quitting it.

No words came out of my mouth, but my facial expression must have been enough for her to know the answer to her question. I love Bella, of course, I just have no idea how will I let her know it without scaring her away. I almost gasped when Alice spoke again, "You don't need to be scared."

_Can she read my mind? _Well probably not, I must have all the words written all over my face. I flashed an uncomfortable smile, looking back on the sweating can of Coke. "Love is something given by God for all of us to share. Why will you be scared of something that God, the one God you have been studying about for the longest time, has gifted you of?" She mumbled, chasing my eyes from my stare on the can and then back to her. "Edward, you have been part of Bella's everyday life for quite sometime now. I think it's time for her to know that your burning stares, subtle touch and misleading words mean something other than friendship."

I found myself snorting from her undeniable eagle eyes, remembering how Bella said 'she has an eagle eye, she will see even the tiniest thing you thought was already hidden'. I managed to heave a sigh before I was able to talk, "I've been meaning to, I just couldn't find the right time."

Alice rolled her eyes releasing an audible mouthful of air that sounded to me like a mocking sigh, "Come on man, there is no right time, today, this moment is always the right time. This is your life; it wouldn't wait for you to get on your senses. It might slip right into your hands."

All I could make was a faint smile and a murmured "thank you." She's right, there's no right time than the present time, and I for one should have known that. But what scares me is that Bella might probably slip from my hands if I made the decision to tell her how I feel, rather than keep it to myself and keep her friendship.

After about fifteen minutes, Bella stepped inside the kitchen, lightly grazing her hand on my back. "Let's have dinner first before carol starts," she mumbled, walking toward the gray refrigerator adorned with numerous multi colored post-its with different shaped magnets on top. "Jasper wants to have a moment with you," she added, making a comical face on Alice, smiling silly afterward.

I stood up, now wearing a smile of my own. She's feeling better I guess. Alice pulled me for a loose embrace as she walked us to the door, Jasper behind her. "Merry Christmas Alice," I mumbled as I patted the small of her back, she did the same, only muttering, "now…Edward." with a tiny tinge of threat.

Jasper smiled at me, an awkward smile of apology. I quirked my eyebrows looking at him, conveying my silent message of acceptance of his apology. Jasper is like my brother, and brothers fight, but they are still brothers afterward, and as long as he keep himself from hurting Bella in every possible way, no matter how very little it could be, we'll be okay.

Bella walked cheerfully beside me. She kept on smiling to herself, and every time I catch her, she would just say "Nothing…something Jasper had said," making me wring my head of what Jasper could have said to her. In the restaurant, she was silent, took much of the time reading the thesis I have handed her. Her eyes fluttered and her cheeks appled as her smile played on her lips from time to time. I wondered if she could guess that most of the things I have written there were about her. I didn't had the chance to talk to her seriously, she had been talking about Jasper, some gist on why they had a fight, but my mind was black, and if there was something in my mind, it was the memory of our last kiss.

Sure we have kissed like twice already, but those were…stolen kisses, stolen from her when she was in the spirit of liquor, not herself not on her proper senses. Who knows if she's even thinking of me while she was giving me those sanity crushing hot kisses, it might have been that Mike all along in her head on those nights. But not this time. She was sober, and not even drunk at all. It was all her, and her lips…her kisses, it tasted sweeter even more.

All those times we were singing Christmas songs in every houses we have requested to listen to us, my mind was wandering to those moments were there was no one else but me and her. He eyes twinkled together with the different colored twinkling lights in every house. Whenever she caught me looking at her, she would flash those sweet smiles making me feel weak.

I am giving up.

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A/N

Umm, was that a YAY or a NAY I am hearing?

Review me some love, it's christmas (in my story, at least).

=Q

xoxo

**

* * *

NOTA BENE  
**

For disclaimer and author's basic note, please see PREFACE in the first page. Thank you.


	21. Chapter 20 The Colossal Wall had Fallen

**20 – THE COLOSSAL WALL HAD FALLEN**

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EDWARD

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**

The night was peaceful, as with every other night, yet tonight, the moon was covered with fluffs of thin clouds, its shine only limited to a few inches of its radius which was changing in color every inch, gray, grayer and then black. The wind was bleak, drying up my hands, my trembling hands.

Bella went out of the church without me as we ended our night with the usual debriefing of some sort. I was caught up talking to Jacob of something irrational for me at the moment, 'what songs to sing tomorrow night'. Leaving him annoyed from my lack of interest, I half-run toward the half open doors of the church in the side, catching up with Bella who had already vanished from the crowd of our group.

I caught her already outside the premises of the church; talking to another girl she most probably met in the choir. They parted ways, the girl going left to the parking as she was going right toward the darken walkway. "Hey," I muttered out of breath behind her, making her jerk her head startlingly. I could see the alarm in her eyes. I wanted to scold her for not waiting for me, I mean what does she think she's doing, walking all by herself in the dim of the night?

"I'm sorry, I thought…" Bella mumbled, unsure of her words, pointing with her thumb back in the church. "No," I said, "Jacob is just being…irrational, irrelevant actually."

Bella had her hands covered with the sleeves of her black shirt; the opening of her dark jacket was flipping casually from the wind. Our conversation once again centered on Jacob, he seemed to be acting weirder than ever, keeping close to us, and talking to me most of the time as we transferred from one house to another. "Jacob seemed to be a little possessive today," she muttered chuckling, playing with her hands in front of her, and probably making it warmer. I answered her with good enough facts about Jacob, I mean, I have a pretty good idea why that guy is acting weird, to think that he heard everything that Jasper and I have talked about last night. He's probably freaking out, adding Jasper's absence in the choir tonight, he could have had a major hysteria.

"Is he gay?"

I almost swallowed my tongue. Bella's head snapped toward me, hearing me gasp stupefaction. No one has ever asked me that, not even the guys we shared the seminary with everyday. "I'm sorry," she apologized putting her hand tentatively on my elbow tugging my sweatshirt, she was chuckling, hiding her embarrassed face under the veil of her hair swaying from the air.

She only pulled her head up when she heard me chuckle alongside her. Biting her lip for a while, she mumbled, "It's just that, he kind of acts like he cared so much about you, I mean…I'm a girl, I know when one of my kind looks at the guy when she liked him…and he kind of…you know," she kept on balking, biting her lip every time, "just like how Alice looks at Jasper, I guess."

For a moment I couldn't keep my head from thinking how does she see herself when she looks at me, but I was cut-off when she tugged my sleeves again briefly, apologizing once more.

I cleared my throat with a silent chuckle, opening my mouth and then closing, unsure of how to put the words on my lips, "You know how gay guys are not allowed inside the seminary?" I mumbled, starting my statement with a question, making her focus her attention on me, I smiled shyly, "that is why you couldn't tell anyone."

She gaped her mouth, her eyes wide open, I thought from shock but apparently from something else, "That's fucking racy!--I'm sorry, I mean, that's…bullshit," she muttered, muffling a laugh from her closed lips, shaking her head, the beam in her eyes didn't escaped my attention, "I'm sorry, lack of proper adjective to use," she said. "I don't believe it's necessarily to ban gays in the church, I mean not unless they go amuck fucking other guys inside…I mean, they shouldn't be punished for just having a different I mean, unorthodox sexual preference. I mean, why keep them from serving God?"

I couldn't say any word; I was blown away with her thoughts, defending Jacob's quirky reference. I have had spent lots of my daily life with Jacob inside the seminary, sleeping with him in the same room, taking a bath in a room separated only with stained glasses. "It's not just Jacob though," I mumbled.

She quickly turned her head toward me, her eyes fluttering…in confusion maybe, until she spoke, "you?!" she exclaimed.

My laughter erupted loudly, I found myself thrashing my head. Bella stopped mid-track, when I turned about I found her behind me, her hands shoved inside the pocket of her jacket. "I thought that was racy?" I teased, "But no, it wasn't me."

I told her briefly the story about seminarians peeking on top of the glass stained bath cubicles, not minding how she reacted on that. I heard her laughing, but my eyes were on the far away gate of the seminary, having had crossed the street, now in Bella's apartment block.

"Hey, you know what, I don't believe I have shown you the Walls at night."

She pouted her lips making a funny face, tugging her eyes up, "No, as matter of fact, not even in broad daylight."

"Oh yeah, that's right," I murmured, my voice lost in the wind, "Alright then, let's go have a stroll," I quickly held her forearm tugging her across the street.

I was already expecting her reaction when we got to the seminary apartment's gate. She immediately stopped, clasping both her hands on the material of my sweatshirt. We are sneaking inside, I am sneaking her inside, there is not a guard watching the apartment's gate thinking it was always locked, as it should be. But having stayed in this school for a very long time, I knew it wasn't, guys like me snuck back from this unguarded gate, early in the morning, in time for the Morning Prayer, fresh from clubbing.

Bella's voice was hushed, her hands clasped tighter on my arm as we passed stealthily near the unlighted walls inside the yard, heading for the tiny gate beside the front apartment building that leads to the seminary grounds. We moved ghostly behind one of the buildings under the blanket of darkness in the basketball yard until we reached the wall that separated the seminary compound from the church's. I could feel Bella's trembling heart beats in the tip of my elbow that was sticking on what I only imagine based on my dirty thoughts, the valley between her two peaks.

When we have finally got up in the wall and away from the seminary's side, we started running, our footfalls echoed from the walls, on a very silent night. "How the fuck are we going to get out from here?" She muttered, her voice muffled from her laughter.

Of course there is a way out, the church is open 24 hours for those who wanted to visit it, like an urge to pray in the middle of the night. I got a series of play punches in my side as she accused me of putting her in danger of humiliation when we can just turn back toward the church.

She sat herself on the baluster on top of the Wall where I always sit, tugging her head up to feel the wind, wagging her head back and forth. The tree on top of us was shedding its yellow flowers down again, accompanied by its leaves swaying away from the wind. There was a lamp post on the ground beneath the Walls that has its light directly behind Bella's head, making her beam, like an angel in the midst of the night.

"This is awesome," she muttered hugging her knees near her chest as I place myself sitting across her. She had her eyes down looking at the long pavement that leads to the church's door, probably admiring the view from the top. It looked like an old city at night, with the entire bricks pavement, muted light and the grand fountain at the end of the walkway.

"Do you come here often?"

"Yeah…you can say it like that. This is my—sanctuary," I mumbled resting my chin on top of my knees. "I come here to think, to laugh by myself, to cry…and everything in between."

She laughed softly, her eyes boring holes in my sanity, once again. She looked so pretty today, and even the darkness couldn't hide it.

"They don't have this kind of thing in Minor seminary, I mean, they have walls too, but that's all about it, walls, no promenade like this," I said tilting my head.

She fell silent, copying my position, her chin up on top of her knees, turning her head away from me, until she spoke again, "Did you always know you're going to the seminary?"

I felt a faint jab in my gut, I didn't answer right away, focusing my eyes on her hidden face. When she looked back at me, her eyes were serious, thoughtful on me, "Did I ever tell you that story about me passing up a luxury Caribbean trip when I was ten, begging my parents to use the money they're going to spend for me instead on my seminary formation?"

She shook her head, a wayward hair kept on crossing to her face. "I was so sure I'll be a priest. That was what I wanted, that was what I have been dreaming about. From the moment I met the vocation priest lecturing in front of us, I knew I have a calling, I knew I was called by God to serve Him, as a priest." I said, noting no change of reaction from her face, until I muttered with a trembling voice, "until I met you."

I almost heard her mouth snapped, but that didn't make me stop from what I was going to say, come rain or shine, this is the moment. "The voice inside me was always there reminding me of my calling, even with my past girlfriends. But that night in the club, the voice suddenly became silent.

"It was like…picture this, a nagging mosquito never quitting its buzzing near my ears, and then suddenly it fell silent like it had been swatted dead and the tiny spots of blood on a white wall was the only reminder that it ever existed."

"Who swatted it dead?" She muttered, seriously.

"I probably did," I sighed rolling my eyes, "but that's not the point, what I was trying to say is--,"

"I know what you're trying to…elaborate, Edward, but I think, you're just confused," she murmured, her voice sounded stiff, whole and serious.

"No."

"No," she answered back, "you probably felt the same with your girlfriends you slept with."

I didn't answer, yet I never removed my eyes on her. I saw it when her reaction changed realizing what I wanted her to think without me saying a word, snapping her head up suddenly looking breathless. "Yes," I mumbled, now tainted with utter seriousness as I admitted, "I was a virgin alright?! Enough with the gawking..."

For the first time in the few minutes of our conversation, she had muffled a chuckle, and then apologized when I faked a hurt, hiding my face between my palms. I felt a tingle but not at all because of hurt, I was…a little embarrassed that I have stayed a virgin at this age and if it wasn't for Bella I could have died a virgin.

But it took not a while longer and then she straightened up in her seat, letting her legs fall in the wall dangling as she sat with her side facing me, she was purposely hiding her face from me letting her hair veil her. "Well, all the more reason for you to be confused. You think you've bagged a deal because you have fucked a girl for the first time. Sex…having sex with someone doesn't mean you have to turn your back on your future just because of it."

"What silence the mosquito wasn't the sex, it wasn't a big deal--fine, it's you...in that night in the club..."

"Why does it always comes back to the club? Why do you always bring our conversation to that night? And you have the nerve to tell me sex is not that big of a deal for you, but here you are, always dragging back that memory, including it in our every conversation," Bella grunted, sounding between hurt and annoyed.

_Yeah, that's what I thought. She doesn't want to talk about that night._ "Who said I was talking about the sex? Aren't you listening? That sex is probably the best I'll ever have in my entire life, but that wasn't about why I like to bring up the club thing all the time. That club thing is important to me, like an important part of my life that no one could take away, because it will rip a great part of me…but that wasn't about the sex, not at all."

"And what is it about Edward, if not for the sex?"

"Because it was the night I met you." I said hastily, toneless.

"Right…" she huffed, an annoyed mocking smile flashed momentarily in her face, and then jumped down the Wall to the walkway, she was ready to step away from me, had I not pull her arm to face me.

"I saw you…in your, probably most vulnerable moment," I whispered, her face inches away from mine, I could already feel the air coming from her supple lips, hitting my face. I hesitated for a moment, making Bella drop her gaze away from me, and consequently my hand that was still gripping her arm fell to my side. She was looking away from me, on her side, the soft yellow light of the wall that was coming from the corner glowed behind her, her face shimmered orange, her eyes twinkled, strands of her hair swayed back and forth from the wind.

There was that great force inside of me that was pushing me to go further. I moved my head to my side away from her, chasing something that seemed to have run away. My eyes landed on a brown leaf on top of the wall that I was sitting a moment ago. It was flinging left and right, fighting the force of the wind, until just a couple of seconds, it gave up and let the wind flew him away. My mouth suddenly felt dry.

"Look Bella," I started again, looking down avoiding her gaze. Her face had snapped back and was now looking at me. "That night…I saw you the moment you went inside the club. You almost tripped on the foot of the guy that was stretched on the floor sitting next to the table of your friends. I saw you when you weren't drunk yet. I saw you danced the night away, and I saw you when you were starting to lose yourself." I sighed, I could feel the staggering air coming out of my nose, I was trembling, and suddenly the season's wind seemed to be colder than it usually is. I peeked on her without lifting my head. She was looking at me, still, her lips were agape yet her eyes bore no expression that I know of.

"I even thought you saw me, you looked at me," I spoke again softly, definite on my words, putting a hint of humor on my voice, but she didn't flinch. The small smile I had in my lips quickly died, "I saw you ran to the men's room--," I was quickly cut off mid-sentence when she suddenly stepped back. A gasp came out of my mouth, _she's going to ran away isn't she?_

I stepped toward her, but she just stepped back again, her face bear a tell-tale sign of disgust. She probably thought I was some kind of derailed soul who stalked her that's why everything happened. "Bella…Bella, listen to me," I tried to reassure her with my voice of the absurdity of whatever she was thinking. My hands landed on her arms that were crossed together to shield herself from me, but she just shoved my hands off of her. Her face hardened, I could see the blaze in her eyes. _She's angry._

"I followed you because…I was afraid someone might…" I couldn't find the right words to say, the words I have readily available in my mind was, detrimental…and might further ruin this conversation that was already going downhill. But I have no other choice, "that someone might…might…fuck you!" The words rushed out of my mouth into a form of an impeded scream. I could feel my muscles trembling, my eyes warmed up.

"So you came to fuck me instead." She said in return, surly.

"You fucked me remember?!"

The moment those words came out of my mouth, I wished in the name of everything holy that it didn't. Her eyes flickered once more, before I lost gaze of it as she turned and began walking away from me. I hurried behind her. "Bella…"

"Please Bella. Listen to me, stop." But she didn't stop.

"Because I fell in love with you," I muttered, lost between my shortened breaths. She stopped finally, but didn't turn around. She held on to the top of the wall, her skin a stark contrast on the dark colored stone seats and her dark jacket.

"I thought…" I hesitated, but easily found the courage to proceed, after an audible gulp of air, "I thought, I'd rather break my….vow than to have someone else…fuck you…have you, I mean," my voice was still trembling, my mind lost from the ecstasy that the sudden urge to reveal my thoughts have given me, but I reprimanded myself silently for the lack of other much less degrading term than fuck.

She stepped forward again, without saying a word, but I didn't let her. My hand gripped on her free hand that was hanging on her side, holding it firmly, until she took back the step she made, "Please hear me," I softly murmured, lowering my face on the back of her head, swimming on the scent of her hair that was being blown by the wind, thrashing my face. I was waiting for her to turn around, face me and hear all the words I had been wanting to say to her, but she just remained stiff, her hand that I was holding didn't even flinch or cringe or made even just a tiny movement that would acknowledge my grip. I rested my forehead on her head, and then once again told her the words that would summarize all the things I wanted to tell her, "I love you."

She turned about pulling far from me, my hand fell on my side, I chased her gaze holding it up, "don't you love me too?" my voice trembled as I asked those words that I never had the concrete idea as to what to expect as an answer.

"Love? How can you be sure? It was just a one night stand. I didn't even know that it was real. I was…I was sure it was just a product of my imagination until you came tagging along with Jasper in Virginia." She surly mumbled.

And then there was silence, she fought with my gaze, I could have been thrilled with us just looking at each other eyes, but not this very moment, because hers was a pool of unreadable expression.

"You've been hearing that fucking mosquito practically your whole life believing it has been what was written of your destiny. How sure are you that that little buzz that you think the new voice of your destiny, would stay forever? It could just be a static. A test, another one."

"I'd surely fail." I quickly muttered, making her huff, "Look Bella--,"

She immediately cut me off, "No you look Edward," sounding so irate, "I have been told what to do and what not ever since, my fucking relationship has been through a guided book, a fucking relationship for dummies guide book. I don't want to make another decision that would just—that has a sure outcome, a fucking failure." She said hissing the words angrily.

I couldn't say anything anymore; this is what I was scared of, that she'll slip right through my hands. I focused my eyes on her face, taking comfort on the thoughts of her happy face that was just there a moment ago. I could feel the lull her proximity gave me, it was like walking on the shores of the beach, with the waves lapping on my feet, but it quickly disappear when she finally spoke, barely a whisper, but broke my silence like a clear glass hit by a huge rock. "I'm a--,I need to go. I'm sorry."

Just a second after, my head and body was leaning to nothing but the cold air whiffing my face, her absence made me shiver, the cold wind creeping from my hands to every single muscle and sanity I have.

It took me a few minutes later before everything came back right to me, with piercing as ice's intensity, a cold rain. I quickly ran on the promenade making my way on the already wet pavement with my shoes getting caught on tiny puddles of rainwater. My heartbeat raced as I strode toward the dark walkway outside the church. My breaths were heavy, panting, not from the hurried running I was making but it was because I couldn't see Bella from the veil of the slanted raindrops and the darkness of the night. The sky was totally dark, the circular silhouette of the moon a while ago had disappeared, the rain poured with utmost anger, from a broken heart, whose, I have no idea.

I was so near the left turn toward Bella's apartment when my nerve-racking tormenting concern for Bella's safety finally eased up. She was walking toward her apartment, hurried, her hands clutched on her head. She must have ran to get away from the church faster.

She turned her head back startled when she heard my footsteps behind her. She was drenched like me; her hair glistened from the faint light on her apartment's gate. "Go away Edward." She grumbled.

But I didn't. Not saying a word, I followed her until she was in her front door, fighting with her key on the keyhole. She quickly slid inside the door not looking back, kicking it when she was already inside.

But my hand was quick to stop it from closing.

A moment later, I was already inside, my pants dripping on the floor with her wet shoe marks decorating it. My back was on the door frame, my hand holding the door knob. I didn't know what to say, my brain was clouded with too much emotion. I hate to accept that for the first time I have listened to what my heart says, and a cold shoulder is all I've got to get.

She strode toward me, I wasn't even able to blink, her warm lips were suddenly on top of mine. I could feel the urge she has, tilting her head to the side deepening her intoxicating kisses. I couldn't stop myself either, the moment I felt her body pinned mine on the door, my hands automatically wrapped on her nape just as she had her fingers grazing under my wet sweatshirt, on my skin.

I whimpered inside her fervent kiss when I felt her hand working on the buttons of my pants, and before I could even muster to move away from her lips, the fly of my jeans was already open and her fingers already marching down inside my underwear.

My head felt light feeling her fingers caresses my one weapon that I have never used to anyone but her, my lips landed on her neck, tasting her skin with my tongue. One of my hands was still clasping her neck while the other was already inside her shirt, fighting with her undergarment to get a touch of her wondrous peaks. My hand trembled but its tremors were lost as it was sandwiched between my body and Bella's.

I was already lost in the ecstasy of the moment, not thinking of anything but Bella's presence, now in front of me, hot and inviting. I quickly pulled her jacket off followed by everything that covered her body. I spun her around forcefully, making her lean to the door, as I have made my lips trailed from her neck down to those huge peaks of her breasts. My breaths were heavy, I could feel my eyes rolled inside my closed eyelids as I tasted and played my tongue with her nipple, filling my other hand with the other breast.

She was breathing heavily too, muffled gasps escaping from her mouth, her hands were tangled on my hair as she was arching her breasts toward me. I trailed my lips down to her stomach and then her belly button, until my hands found the band of her pants, opening it instantaneously.

Bella pulled me up through my neck, letting me swirled my emotions again on her lips, playing tug with her tongue, her hand shoved inside my pants again, down to my manhood, stroking it softly yet urgently. I pulled my shirt off my head, leaning my naked body on her, feeling her warm body beside mine.

A few more seconds, my butt was swaying from the force of my hurried pulling down of pants, aiming my length afterward on Bella's center. Her pants were down on her legs as she had them wide open, waiting for me.

I didn't waste time, I was utterly horny and all that was playing in my mind was to have Bella, to touch her, to make love with her. Her breath hit my face when I slowly inserted my penis on her opening, it was slick, I could feel the spilled wetness on my fingers, yet it was so tight, that as I slowly filled her up, I felt my lips stung, I didn't even realize she had her mouth on mine, she was biting my lips as I made my way further and further inside her. My right hand had snaked down to her bare butt, pushing her toward me until I was sure I have arrived fully inside her.

"Edward." She moaned when I slowly pulled all my length outside of her, feeling every sensation that her walls gave my throbbing erection. My fingers buried in the flesh of her butt just as I pulled her neck closer to me deepening the depth of our already burning kiss as I slowly pushed myself inside of her lubricious tunnel, once again.

I made a head spinning movement slowly in and out of her womanhood until our bodies glided together aided by our sweat and the moist from our wet clothing. We exchanged moans of each others' names gritted between our teeth. I had her pinned on the door as my thrusts became urgent, making audible banging on the wooden door.

Her nails were digging on my back, I felt her became slicker and slicker, constricting her walls from time to time, and I know I had already given her if not a couple of orgasms.

Careful not to scrape her back from the door's carvings, I pulled her down, until we where lying down on the wet floor, her underneath me, her knees touching my butt.

A few more hurried and hard sharp thrusts inside her making her make a definite lustful writhe and loud moans, I was done, white milky substance of my excitement burst out of my angry manhood spilling on top of her stomach as she clasped my body between her knees, her back arching while her fingers were nailed on my back.

My body was trembling on top of her, "I love you Bella," I mumbled lying my head on top of her bosom, feeling her erratic breathing rhythmic with mine. After a few seconds, I felt her fingers raked my hair, I closed my eyes, I don't want this moment to end, I want to stay like this, on top of her, just listening to her heart, feeling the heat of her body next to mine.

But I guess some things especially the good ones rarely last, the moment I moved up from her, she pulled her pants up and then walked toward her room muttering with a trembling soft voice, "lock the door on your way out," without even looking back at me.

I sat there, alone in the floor, my naked bottom frozen from the cold floor, my back pressed on the door, I felt the darkness in the living room swallowed me whole as Bella closed her door, only leaving a sliver of glow under it. It's painful, I felt hundreds and hundreds of tiny pins pricked my still warm heart. I didn't know what to call the pain. I didn't even understand what had just happened.

After spending a hot, world spinning sex with Bella, making love with the only girl I have felt this intense with, I found myself, walking under the veil of the drizzling rain, toward the seminary apartments. Momentary passing cars with their headlights hitting my face made me finally realize that the blur I was seeing on my way wasn't from the raindrops, it was from my eyes, I was crying.

And it wasn't because I have once again broken my vow of continence with the same girl I have had broken my vows with before, but because, I felt so…defeated of my feelings, I love Bella…a lot, I'm sure of it. But it seemed she didn't feel the same.

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A/N

I wanted to have them sex each other up in the gutter outside Bella's apartment, but you didn't review...so yeah.

=C

Joke!

But a review really makes me think crazier. So go ahead and make one, so I could give you something better than this...=D

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NOTA BENE**

For disclaimer and author's basic note, please see PREFACE in the first page. Thank you.


	22. Chapter 21 Failure is an Option

**21 – FAILURE IS AN OPTION

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**EDWARD

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Sunday Morning, a few hours from the last reunion I had with Bella, sweet burning reunion, I found myself scanning every person's face in the sea of people attending the Sunday mass. But she wasn't there, of course.

Last night, when I got home, I tried God knows how many times to be able to get her on the phone, but she never picked up. I felt so defeated with what I feel for her. At first I thought what a disaster the night had been, but after putting my anxiety in the hands of the pages of my prayer book, I realized what Alice had said to me yesterday, God wanted people to experience love, and who am I to know what God wanted me to be. This is what I wanted to be, to be His servant, but He sent Bella to me, and for the first time I felt this humongous billowing swell inside my heart, something I can't just shut off and never mind.

I love her and I don't think I feel sorry anymore for telling her what I feel. I may have acted out of sheer human weakness last night, and I don't have any excuse for that, except that I felt overwhelmed with everything in front of me, something that I have been trying to fight for the longest time, and last night, it just hit me head on.

Bella is the bane of my sanity, she always had been since I met her, but I don't find any reason and any courage to stay away from her, for the sake of my vocation. She is someone who has already been part of my existence, someone who if someone take away from me, I'll be dead.

The mass ended, but I was still stiffly standing on the choir benches, licking the wound that her bite had left on my lip, unmoving, looking at something I couldn't actually see what. I felt a hand tapped me on my back, finding it was Jasper, I collapsed defeated on the bench, staring on my fingers.

"She's in Virginia," he murmured, his voice suggested he was directly facing me, probably reading every movement I was making. But I didn't say anything instead; I stared on my nails, noting I should have had a nail cut, like two days ago. I was…undoubtedly trying to ignore what I am feeling right now.

But Jasper didn't leave; he stayed beside me until he felt uncomfortable with my silence and talked again. "I called Alice, she called Bella…Come on Edward, talk to me Dude," he begged, whispering, his head lowering down to probably have a good look on my face.

But what am I going to show him, I haven't sleep, I am already feeling as if I was floating, yet I couldn't find sleep. I was…haunted by the memory of last night. I have never talked to Jasper since I 'collared' him yesterday, and I was feeling a little embarrassed that after all the threat I made him, he was still sensitive enough to find Bella for me. He must have heard me mumbling last night on my phone.

All I could do was to sigh; I could feel the side of my arms sliding with his as I heaved for air. I have never felt this helpless. Now I was not only doubtful of my calling, but more importantly doubtful of Bella's feelings for me. I gave in with my overwhelming feelings for her, and now that I have it all out for her, I felt like the space I once held and hid those feelings was aching, void and aching.

Jasper's hand grabbed my shoulder blade again; my tears apparently had started to flow down my cheeks, causing a few wet blotches on my white cassock. "Edward…I don't know what to say to you Dude. I couldn't say I understand you, because the fact is, I don't feel the same way to Alice as you do for Bella. Bella had made me realize I was feeling something for Alice; something that I never realized was even there until I have finally opened my eyes. I love Alice maybe just as you love Bella or maybe yours is even more, I know you have been harboring those feelings for a long time for her, you need not tell me, because I could see you Dude. And I might not know what you're going through this very moment, but I have at least had a pretty good idea. You need to think Edward. Think harder. There is something you need to decide."

"What am I going to decide, when the only person that I know could make me decide was…no where to be found?" I hissed, finally finding my voice to speak. I sounded to sour, torn and sour.

Jasper made a noisy intake of air, leaning his elbows at the back of the bench in front of him, turning his face toward me, "Of course you know where to find Bella, but give her time. She needed time to think as much as you do. Alice said…she must have felt the same about you, she could have been just scared or intimidated by the fact that…yeah…you're a seminarian…just like I am," he said with a voice that suddenly became grim as he ended his statement.

I gathered myself quickly, wiping the trace my tears made on my sleepy face. Finding Jasper leaning on the bench in front of him, his face now hidden from me, resting on his forearm staring on the floor, I felt even sadder that my best friend was feeling the same confusing thoughts that I was suffering from. He loves Alice, he admitted it and I never thought for the longest time I have been with him that he ever had said anything about feeling something for girls.

Girls for Jasper were just decorations, made by God exactly for the purpose of making our world sound, appear and taste prettier…not in the derogatory point of view though, but for Jasper, a man doesn't need a woman to become perfect on his life, just as woman doesn't necessarily need a man, like two separate entities made by God and for him it's sort of cheesy that someone needed someone to live a normal life.

And now hearing him admit to his feelings, I suddenly felt lighter. Probably the bigger reason was I wasn't alone with my self-discovery. I lightly pounded the heel of my hand on his back. "We'll get there Dude. God knows what He wanted for us, and it's His will not ours," I grumbled, my voice so low that my throat itched.

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BELLA

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"Please pick up the phone Bella, talk to me," there was a long pause, and then, "I don't know what to do, but I do know something, I love you, and I will never say I was sorry for ever letting you know that…not even for letting myself to fall in love with you. You are my sun Bella, don't forget that, you have shone your light in my heart, and showed me I was capable of falling in love. I will never ever detest meeting you and falling in love with you."

My tears ran down on my cheeks hearing Edward's raspy voice. It was probably his 10th voice mail and it was sent at 4 o'clock in the morning, an hour after the minute by minute voice mail that he had sent me with no words but "Bella please". My heart constricted, it felt like it was going to shrink into something as small as a chicken's heart.

This is why I fucking loathed what I feel for Edward, because I never wanted him to feel the same way toward me. I know it's my fault. I should have had turned my back on him, the moment I knew he was someone I couldn't have. But I guess, it's something one doesn't have control over. We would always want to touch something as pretty as a blown glass vase that we weren't allowed to touch.

I am weak…just as I have always been. Last night was probably the best sex I have ever had. I was so overwhelmed with everything that Edward said to me in the Walls. Last night as I ran non-stop tasting the raindrops pouring down to my lips, it finally hit me, I was…fucking happy to know, Edward was feeling the same way as I do. I had finally realized that I wasn't just one of his spiritual friends like the ones I always see him talking with inside the church during choir practice or Sunday Masses. I was more than a friend.

I wasn't able to control my emotions anymore. Seeing him dripping wet inside my empty house, I gave in with the uber strong urges I was harboring inside. I kissed him, and I won't even flinch if once again he'll throw it in my face that I fucked him, again. Yes, I fucked him again.

Edward's body was a piece of heaven. It might not be as toned as Mike's or as muscular as Jasper's as Alice had shared to me, but his naked body next to mine, made me lost every inhibition I was having. That fucking v-line in his torso guided by the trailing hair to his groin, I could feel myself wet even more with just the thought of it.

It was so head spinning, him fucking me standing on the door, I could not even keep myself from moaning loud. His touches in every part of my body were like torches sending me into blazing fire, his urgent kisses were like a balloon sucking me of my breath and his freaking huge manhood choked me to death.

Edward's moans were like a huge old cow's writhing in pain from something. It was as loud as mine, yet he never seemed to realize it. There was a point when he lain me down the cold floor that he put his hand on my mouth as he ruggedly shoved his penis inside of me making me scream loudly as I could. My scream became muffled yet he replaced it with his own deep voice screams calling every saint in heaven.

I have realized that those moans where exactly the moans that had starred in my dreams those nights that I haven't had a clue who was that beautiful angel I had sex with. Though my vivid memory was all about his fluttering eyes and his soothing caresses on my boobs, a tiny part of those memories were loud moans and audible sighs. Exactly like what Edward had, last night.

Turning to my front on top of my bed, I found my hand inside my underwear, touching myself. I closed my eyes, flooding my head of those sultry eyes staring at me, burning me with veiled lust. His voice reverberated inside my head, calling my name as he pulled his entire length out of me only to slowly put it all inside me, again, and again.

My other hand gripped on my breasts, fondling them slowly as Edward had, mimicking every stroke he made, until after only a minute or so, I had an orgasm, all by myself but with the help of the previous night's still warm and smothering memories. I…undeniably have lost my mind, and Edward's nerve-racking sex moves had further me into my long list of grave sins.

As I pressed my eyes shut, pulling the blanket to my head to cover my face in sheer humiliation as if someone could see me, I reiterated to myself what I have been continuously briefing myself since I left Edward naked on the floor, _all the more reason for me to turn my back on him, because judging by his veiled eyes and rather embarrassing calling of saint's names as he plowed me crazily, I would undeniably_ _be dragging him out of his profession, which I despise to be the reason. _I love Edward, I know I do. But this fucking feeling was driving me insane. I don't want Edward to give up his vocation for me. No.

This morning when I came home, Mom was utterly worried that I looked like shit. I have cried myself to sleep last night and have been crying on my way home, inside the freaking bus full of noisy last minute Christmas vacationers. My heart is torn into feeling sheer love and lost at the same time. I couldn't have the one person I have found when I have looked my eyes away from Mike.

And now, the sun had once again hid to give way to nighttime, I was suffocated by the memories of my usual night regime, a wonderful time of laughter and teasing with Edward. _Fuck me, I'm in hell._

* * *

Christmas day, I was numbed by the crippling urge to call and talk to Edward. He never called me again after the last voice mail he sent yesterday saying, for the hundredth time, he loves me, and it has been about 24 hours, not that I was anxiously monitoring it. I have been playing the voice mail over and over again, hearing his voice, drowning my senses with the fact that even though we can not have each other, we were able to feel the same at each other.

Last night, Alice called me. Nothing really, but boasting about how Jasper had suddenly went all out of his feeling for her. Well I couldn't say anything anymore but to be happy for her, I know how much she had wished for Jasper to be at least clear of what he wanted with her and not make her go in circle with all his two-tone type of treatment. I won't even say that the very little time I have talked to Jasper that afternoon he went to apologize could have something to do with it, considering I rarely spoke and just settled on my seat hearing Jasper talked mostly about how freaking confusing it felt knowing that someone was so important but you can only have it if you give up something almost as important. _Tell me about it._

Jessica and Angela stopped by the house for a brief moment, unable to tug me to have some girlfriend catching up, faking a headache. And after letting me mope all afternoon in my room, my mother also had the courage to talk to me, finding me yesterday night at our backyard, in the small hut we usually hang around on during summer days. She talked to me about how she felt so worried seeing me this cheerless. She thought it was still Mike, she had no idea I was and already had moved on away from my path with Mike. I told her, in passing that I was seeing a guy, she wasn't able to prick me off of the name of the guy, but I was honest enough to tell her, that if Mike was an ounce and half wrong for me, this guy is an oozing heap of everything wrong.

"There is nothing wrong falling in love Bella, whether it was on the right person or not. What makes it unacceptable is, if that love goes along with the fact that you would be hurting someone." My mom said.

And then added, "Mike is such a good guy for you, you know that your Dad and I have nothing against him but the fact that it wasn't safe for you to hang out with him. In the future, when you are old enough to take care of yourself, and you had the greater wisdom of what's right and wrong, you might find him again, and why not? You guys are so good together."

Feeling an epiphany dawned to me, I rolled from my bed and started fixing myself. I would be going to Mass, and I know I would find Mike in there.

Rushing to get to the church, I arrived late though. I found an empty seat just a few benches from the back. I was scanning the seats for any one that would resemble Mike. Finding myself fighting the urge not to gaze on the altar for anything that could remind me of Edward, I kept on turning on my seat, causing a handful of hurtful words to come out from the woman wearing a veil on her face.

_Shut the fuck up, _I silently cursed, making a face on her. I could have been ruder to her considering how she muttered words that clearly don't suit her veiled-in-purity aura, but I was too anxious to pay so much attention on her. I need to find Mike.

And I found him.

He was sitting in the other column of the pews, slightly diagonal from me. His face was as I still remembered it the last time I saw him, in my porch. His curly hair was still long, hiding his ears. He had that smile, the one he wears when he's feeling wondrously proud. And then my eyes drifted and found something that was obviously the reason of his smile of pride. Beside him is a gorgeous blond, straight hair, pale skin, pretty; his fingers entwined with hers. I felt my arms flinched, not from violence but probably an automatic response of your limbs when you felt even a slight tinge of hurt.

And I don't even know if I was feeling hurt at all. Sighing, I focused my eyes on the altar, drowning my momentary lapse on sane thoughts. _What was I thinking coming here to find Mike and provoke myself to distinguish and put a name on what I feel? _I grumbled silently. The priest was walking in front of the altar; beside him was someone who also dressed like a priest, white alb was all I could see, blurred from the distance, holding a gold bucket of coal supported with what looks like a long golden chain in his other hand, smoke rising up from it, the smell of incense crawling from the altar down to the last row of the pews.

My breathing suddenly became erratic, the image of the priest holding the incense though blurred from my sight, I have associated it with Edward, finding myself putting Edward's face on top of his body. He's a Deacon, according to my limited knowledge about Diaconate. And sooner not later, Edward would be that guy tagging along with the priest and then later, he'll be the priest. _And I have got not enough time._

Realizing what just popped in my head, I hurried outside the church, panting, not from running, but from the overwhelming feeling I was having. I am in love with Edward and I didn't have much time until he will be, totally unavailable.

* * *

Six fucking hours later, I was anxiously fidgeting on the zipper of my green jacket, standing in front of the black Victorian gate of the seminary. I just arrived in Nueva Caceres from a seriously incapacitating 6 hours journey of unforgiving bus stops. I have hurriedly threw my bag inside the apartment, only keeping a small box with me, something I have bought in one of the many bus stops I have been. And this very moment, the tiny box felt so heavy in my jacket pocket, I could almost feel it thump.

"Can I help you?"

I startled when I heard a round voice of a man, just then I realized, the gate of the seminary which I have never seen open, was actually wide open, side to side, and the voice I just heard was from the security guard wearing an all black body suit, a noisy gurgling hand-held radio was in his left hand.

"Oh…good afternoon. I was looking for, Seminarian Cullen?" I sounded so unsure, I mean I was really unsure that I could see him by just asking the guard, but I decided anyway, rather than waiting for him inside the church until he shows up. A little voice inside of me nagged as to why I didn't try and call Edward first saving me all this first hand humilitaion, but as I was about to yell on it to fucking shut up, the guard spoke again.

"Of course, this way Madam, pass through that tiny gate and then you could see the seminary apartments, try and ask one of the building's reception for Seminarian Cullen's room." He said nodding his head politely, pointing me the way with an open hand.

_Did he just call me Madam? _I sullenly grumbled, but quickly shooed the feeling away, he must have used that term loosely to all women. I walked toward the tiny black gate in the middle of a wall of Belgian bricks, I recognized this wall, this is where we passed that night Edward snuck me inside the seminary apartments' compound just to pass to get to the Walls. I immediately caught myself, thinking that making my thoughts wander farther would just make me feel even more agitated. _Did he just say Edward's room?_

Walking slowly, passing the open gate towards the seminary apartments, I didn't fail to notice that people were going back and forth, walking from one place to another, and then my eyes hit on a banner made out of stitched bond paper, it said 'Welcome, Parents and Friends', it kind of made me feel a little at ease knowing that at least the seminary is open for visitors like me. But the lighter feeling quickly dissipated when I neared the door of the first apartment on my right that didn't have much people on its porch.

I could feel my hands trembling, _what am I going to say? _And I didn't even know if that question pertains to what the hell am I going to say to the receptionist, or what the fuck would I say to Edward.

Luckily, before I get to the reception table, with a nonchalant girl behind it chewing a gum, someone spoke beside me, unaware that he was even there, with me focusing my eyesight on the receptionist like I have a tunnel vision or something.

"Are you looking for someone?"

I had to swallow first before I turned to my side, preparing myself to see someone I already knew from the choir. But this guy is not one of my fellow carolers; in fact he didn't look familiar at all. His large glasses glimmered from the pin light above him. He had his hands shoved inside his pocket, the teal color of his sweatshirt made his dark skin yellowish, his short wavy hair cropped mostly on top of his head bounced as he rocked back and forth with the balls of his feet, awkward.

"I am today's usher. Can I help you?"

He must have read the intimidated expression I had in my face, making him feel even more awkward. I immediately apologized, "Sorry," mumbling with a smile, "I am looking for Seminarian Cullen."

"Edward," he muttered, I might just be imagining it, but I swear I saw him twitched his lips before rolling his eyes to think, "I think he's not here," he added, a sudden jolt inside my chest almost made me cry, thankfully he spoke just as fast, "I saw him in the chapel, do you know where the chapel is?"

Hiding my sudden change of emotions, I shook my head, fluttering my eyes to feign confusion. He gave me instruction as to how to get to the chapel, reviewing the information in my head, I stepped toward the direction. Edward's face kept on butting in inside my head, making me more nervous despite the fucking trick I was doing to distract myself.

I later found myself standing in front of an old dome-styled chapel in the far corner of one of the seminary academic buildings; it was adjacent to the old Walls that enclosed the whole church at the back.

The usher guy said he saw Edward in here, and just by thinking about it, I began to palpitate. It was solemn inside, even more solemn than the huge church in the other side. The light from late afternoon seeped on the colored window glasses, dust motes flying freely in the air. Aside from the chirping of birds making the ambiance utterly holy and peaceful, as I walked on the side aisle running my fingers on every bench's backrest, I noticed something else; there was a sound of a guitar echoing the circular walls.

Air escaped from my lungs leaving me breathless when an image of a man cleared up in the view behind the huge confessional box. It was Edward, his back on me, he was playing a piano…no it's probably a digital organ, considering he was playing something that sounded like from a guitar.

I silently paced toward him, conditioning myself to say whatever I wanted to say right away, but as I was inches away from him, he thrashed his head as he moved his fingers freely on the keyboard and as limited as my eyesight could be, I could tell he had his eyes closed as he savor every note he was playing.

Balking behind him, I felt my heart raced even more, looking at his arching back, his navy blue sweatshirt hugged his back showing its contours. Instantaneously, with the help of the familiar tune he was playing, I found myself reliving how that back of his felt on my fingers. His hair suddenly ruffled and then his sweet musky scent hit me in the face, making me close my eyes to drown myself of his scent.

The music he was playing lulled me to my nerves, making me calm myself. It was the same tune he was playing in his guitar back in Vermont, in his apartment that morning I awoke inside his room naked. It has that swaying tempo of a waltz but slower, it goes and then hangs up only to come back again with the waltz thing. It was soothing and at the same time cheerful with its tempo, kind of like something in the middle of sad and cheer, confusing.

Opening my eyes, I suddenly felt a huge amount of distress thinking that he must be feeling utterly confuse that's why he had been playing that music, for God knows how long. Part of me cheered knowing that I have that much effect on Edward but a greater part of me was saddened by the fact that, we both love each other, and it is only a matter of time before that love will all be nothing but a figment on our memory.

The song slowly faded, ending with a high note, seemingly intended to be greatly away and different from the other notes. I never even realized I have been crying if not from the wind coming from the tall electric fan that have been ruffling Edward's hair, making my face felt stiff from the moist being dried up by the fake wind.

"It's beautiful," I mumbled, croaking having been unable to keep myself from talking. It must be the calming effect of the music. "What is it called?"

Edward briefly stiffened from his seat and then hastily spun around when he realized whose voice suddenly spoke behind him. My smile grew in my face seeing his face changed reaction from apparent glum to a fucking glorious beaming smile, that sexy grin crawling in his lips. I felt my heart jumped out of my ribcage, thump thumping loudly in excitement.

I strode toward him, and I know if I wasn't able to stop myself, I could have pounced on him right there and then. He immediately met me halfway, and now standing in front of me, my head tilted up to have a good look at his face I have been imagining all those nights of darkness inside my room, Edward's hand ran from the temple of my head down to my jaw, making me quiver.

"It was about a girl, her face colored with different strobe lights dancing in the dark," he murmured, his voice rusty.

We stood right in front of a huge statue of Christ crucified in a huge brown cross, but all I could do was say a silent prayer, that He give us a chance to feel each other, even for a short period of time.

"I forgot to give you your gift," I muttered, my eyes jumping from his eyes down to his lips. He still had the gorgeous smile unfading in his lips, his eyes dreamy as ever.

He snorted, biting his lip and then licking them briefly, _God, my knees are buckling, _"I didn't have the strength to go out to find you one," he said in apologetic voice, tugging my elbows toward the exit.

We began our conversation with the usual how are you's, with me telling stories of my very boring three day stay in Virginia. He was just softly chuckling, his hands shoved inside his jeans' pockets as he squinted all the way to the Walls promenade, on his usual 'moping' place. Judging by the faint light of the setting sun hitting his face, he looked rather sick, just the soft gust of the wind hurt his eyes that he needed to keep them squinched or stay looking down.

I on the other hand had been thumbing the box inside my jacket pocket, suddenly unsure if he's going to like my gift, I mean, he does have everything, but this is one thing I am not sure he had…

My straying thoughts were broken when he spoke as we sat on top of the wall, dusting the seat off of tiny flowers first. He asked me how did I find him inside the chapel, and as I explained, I learned that that was the chapel were they had their early morning mass each and everyday. He also informed me the reason for the open gate was, well yes, because it's Christmas and they always have a sort of open house every occasion to give way to those parents whose children weren't able to come home to celebrate with them. My heart sank, seeing him talk, his feet dangling on the side of the wall, his eyes looking freely on his swaying feet, I realized, he probably never had a visitor since his parents died.

Confirming it, he almost choked saying, "These times were the hardest times of the year, Christmas and New Year. I missed my parents, they usually bring me left over food," he muttered half chuckling, yet the misery in his voice is undeniable.

I ran my fingers on the side of his arm, feeling his biceps flexed as my fingers came in contact with them. "I'm so sorry," I whispered. He just gave out a timid smile, briefly shooting me glance, returning his gaze immediately back to his feet, mumbling afterward, "No…that's okay. We all learn to live with what is given us," with a muffled voice, his jaws clenching.

There was silence for a moment, and I was feeling the creeping weight of my nerves again, I turned to my side, pulling my feet up in the seat, sitting with my legs tucked on each other. I rummaged trembling inside my jacket pocket; the bleak wind suddenly became even colder, piercing me like tiny sharp icicles.

"Merry Christmas," I muttered, holding out a silver box with a red tie. Edward slowly tilted his head facing me, like a fucking slow-mo scene in a movie. His eyes jumped from my face to the gift box I was holding and then back to me again, the side of his eyes crinkling, his lips twitched into a shy smile.

He copied my position, sitting in front of me with his legs tucked at each other. "You shouldn't have," he whispered, pulling the box from my hand.

"You're welcome," I muttered, sounding sarcastic, hiding my smile. He immediately turned his busy eyes back to me, flying his right hand on my wrist, scrunching his facial features; he muttered with a shy smile, "Thank you, I'm sorry."

I watched as he opened the gift box, looking for any sign that could show he didn't like my gift, but all I saw was that huge sexy smile I have always loved as he lifted the watch from its box, thumbing the silver lining of the circular head with a black leather strap. It was the least I could buy in such a short period of time, waiting for the next bus to come having had to jump from one bus to the next just to be able to get back here in Caceres earlier.

"Not much, I--,"

"No it's perfect, it's beautiful," he muttered hastily.

My fingers crawled to pick the watch from his hand, scooting nearer to him. I slowly wrapped it in his left wrist, intoxicating myself with his scent. The sun had dipped on the horizon, and by the yellow lamp posts that lit the park, Edward's face beamed like blazing torch in the night.

I sighed as I pulled the sleeve of his shirt back near the strap of the watch, "There," I whispered before I let go of his wrist, "so you'll have…time to think of me," I felt something snapped inside my chest as the words trailed out of my mouth. I began to shuffle on my seat, scooting backwards, but he was quick to grab back my wrist.

"Do you still hear the voice?" My voice crackled, unhindered this time, I chose to keep them coming, rather than be stopped by a sudden change of mood or something, "the voice that fucking replaced the mosquito's buzzing?"

Under the faint yellow light and the silently howling wind, Edward's face beamed, he had a smug smile, but before he could say a word, "Can we give it a try?" I muttered, almost lost from the whirl of the wind.

I didn't know what had happened next because the next thing that registered in my head was the soft lips of Edward into mine, slowly pecking wet kisses on me, until it grew into one long passionate kiss, our fingers tangled on each others' hair, our bodies relying on each others' body heat, as we ignored every howl of the wind, every tiny sound the dried leaves made as it fell in the bricked pavement, the lazy chirping of birds, the distant loud laughter and the fading horn of cars passing, because all we could hear is each others' loud heartbeats, if not the non-existent ringing of the church bells.

* * *

A/N

Oh Mer--ry Christmas :D Got to be the first one to greet you!

All my love!

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* * *

NOTA BENE  
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For disclaimer and author's basic note, please see PREFACE in the first page. Thank you.


	23. Chapter 22 Merry Christmas Edward Cullen

**22 – MERRY CHRISTMAS EDWARD CULLEN**

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* * *

_**EDWARD

* * *

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Christmas had never felt this colorful before since I lost everything. Now I felt like everything has a new meaning in my life. Bella showed up just as I was already about to give up and let fate decide. She showed up with a gift on a silver box wrapped in a red ribbon tagging along with her. "So you'll have time to think of me," she said, and I wanted to tell her that I need not have a watch to know if its time to think about her, because the fact is, all of the clock's ticks remind me about her.

I felt my tears ran down my cheeks as I immersed myself thoroughly on that one long passionate kiss, our lips not wanting to leave each other if not for the urge to breathe. Our foreheads rested on each others' as we stayed in that position just blindly looking at each others lips in the veil of the dark night, with a little help from the faint yellow lighting of the Walls.

I thought I heard the angels came crashing down and sang hallelujahs when I heard her say, "I love you too," mumbling back my earlier words. She loves me, I could feel my heart dancing inside my chest, I couldn't keep myself from grinning ear to ear.

Looking at my new watch my face reflecting on its shiny glass, I sighed, my heart not wanting to move an inch away from her, "It's seven, come on, I'll show you my room," I muttered jumping on the paved way, casually holding her hands as she jumped down too, my eager hand sliding down her hips automatically as we spun to walk on the darkly lit promenade toward the wall that separated the church's compound from the seminary's.

My hand snuggled behind her, lightly clasped on her hipbone like it was used to doing that. She never flinched though, instead, her hand was gripping my waist too. We are one happy couple.

As embarrassed as I was of what she'll find inside my room, I dragged her inside it, unwilling at first seeing different people coming in and out of the others' room. I named each of the very limited furnishings we have inside the room, only stopping from my tracks when I reached my bed. She was behind me, her hands were hidden inside the pocket of her jacket. When I turned around, she had a smirk in her face. I thought she was making fun of my bed, all plain white with an empty bedside table, not like Jasper's and Jacob's, who by the look of the top of their table, undeniably been using their silent time studying or reading at least. But when I followed her eyes, she was actually staring on the glass window. The subtle lighting inside the room had highlighted the twinkling lights of the traffic outside, and the lights coming out from the houses outside.

She walked slowly toward the window, passing right by me, brushing my arms with her elbows, "Could that be my street?" she whispered, her eyes squinting. I chuckled softly, marching toward her on the window, "Yeah, and that is your apartment, can you believe that? I am a total stalker," I hissed, lowering my head near her ear.

"I hope I have nice vision, I want to see you clearly…as you see me, it's kind of unfair," she muttered, walking back to my bed, sitting on top of it. I stayed on the window, leaning my back on it. I marveled on the sight of my girlfriend sitting on top of my seminary bed. My smile grew bigger catching myself of what I just thought, my girlfriend, _yeah, meet my girlfriend, the gorgeous, irresistible Bella Swan._

She clucked her tongue making me snap back to reality, her brows were arched, her lower lip hiding under her front teeth, "what are you smiling about?" she asked, fluttering her sultry thoughtful eyes.

Sighing with an undeniable smile on my lips, I stepped toward and sat beside her on my bed, "Nothing, I was just…" I trailed running my eyes on top of her head, where a lock of hair has strayed and was not in its proper place. Not minding to fix the wayward hair, I ran my eyes down to her glimmering round eyes, it was catching every stare I was making on her face, I licked my lips tentatively before I spoke again staring now on her pouted lips, those lips that was making my life turn upside down "I was just thinking…of you…my girlfriend--," I whispered, dropping my gaze to her lap where her fingers were splayed on top of her thigh. I was trying to avoid her smothering gaze, somewhat afraid of how she'll react. "I like the sound of it," I added, briefly throwing her an unsure look.

"It sounded…awesome," she chuckled, grazing her fingers along her thigh, I am sure she knows I was staring on her fingers, _is she teasing me? _"boy friend," she added. I am sure I have an embarrassed face when I looked at her, she began laughing softly, running her forefinger in the corner of my cheeks, smoothing a frown line, probably.

She asked me of Jasper's and Jacob's whereabouts as we walked toward the hallway, pointing her to the bathroom, telling her the story again about the glass divider in each cubicle, she loved that story, and once again, her eyes were wide in amusement, asking me how it felt taking a bath next to someone.

Jacob wasn't there, he went home for the holidays, making me in-charge of the choir. Jasper on the other hand had left after the mass this morning, leaving me with just a simple tap on my back and a "I'll be with Alice", which at that moment made me even more sulky.

But not tonight, and not anymore.

After eating dinner on the long table in the pantry together with other families, feasting on the Christmas dinner the seminary had prepared for the visitors, I walked Bella to her house.

We opted to take the longest route to her house, passing in front of her school to the next block toward her house. And in every moment that I could get in the blanket of darkness, I would wind my arms on her shoulders, pulling her closer to me, kissing her on her head, muttering, the overflowing happiness and love I had inside of me, "I love you so much," which she would untiringly answer back with the same intensity if not more, tightening her clasp on my torso.

We walked slowly, savoring the cold night's wind, the rustling of dried leaves on the side of the walkway, immediately pulling away from each other whenever a car comes up or we pass a crowded house. It was frustrating that I couldn't walk with Bella in my arms without the scare that someone might see us, but that faint feeling inside of me was so little it was easily drowned by Bella's presence.

My eyes widened as we entered her apartment, her bag was just on the floor, the contents of it scattered nearby that it was clearly ransacked. She chuckled, looking at my bewildered face, she spun around heading to the kitchen, "I was in a hurry this afternoon to get to you, I didn't have time to fix it," she mumbled, her voice thinning as she disappeared from my sight.

I first opted to sat on the couch next to the spillage of clothes on the floor, but after only a second, I decided to pick them up, folding them, stacking them back to her bag. I knew I have that stupid smile in my face, holding her clothes and stuff, some of it very personal for me to see, like this smallest of the small piece of undergarment I have ever seen, kind of just a line front and back.

My Adam's apple almost bobbed down to my throat when I heard Bella cleared up her throat. She must have been watching me ogle the black underwear, that I was…_Oh sweet mother of God, I was still holding it, _embarrassed, utterly embarrassed I hurriedly shoot my hand holding the panty inside her bag, thumbing the lacy cloth once more between my fingers.

Bella walked toward me as I picked up my self, hiding a smirk between my teeth, she was holding a glass of water. "Where do these go?" I mumbled, turning my face away from her, as I held the gathered luggage. I could still feel the heat in my face.

"Come," she mumbled walking toward her room. I casually follow, looking on my feet as I entered her room. The familiar scent of vanilla and something else sweet instantly swept my face, making me heave for breath, half closing my eyes. When I have dropped the bag near her closet next to the door, she was standing already near her window, the glass of water on top of the little hexagon glass table in the corner.

Following her gaze, my eyes landed on what she was looking at. "So that could probably you," she whispered, staring past the glass window and into a room in the corner of the two-story seminary apartments. I had to smile. She could have been staring at me too whenever I look at the windows, the only difference was, she couldn't see me.

Turning around toward her, my fingers landed on the side of her face, trailing down to her jaw, pulling her head up, until my lips had found hers. But only after one short kiss, I pulled away, thumbing the edge of her chin, my eyes marveling on the whole of her face, "Something I have always dreamed of," I groaned, feeling constricted in breathing, adding after a long pause "to kiss you when you are not drunk, or hallucinating."

Bella's both hands landed on top of my chest, running her fingers slowly on it down to my stomach, "Kiss me, I am nowhere near drunk…not even hallucinating," she whispered, her eyes fluttering, looking down on my lips, "I am yours."

My breath became erratic, something hot oozing up to my spine. I could almost hear the loud beats of my very excited heart. I raked her hair, pulling it back away from her face, landing my fingers afterward behind her head at the nape of her neck. Tilting to the side slightly, I slowly moved toward her face, noting every movement I made, careful like I was holding something as vulnerable as water in my palms. I had my eyes closed, I didn't know where I was going and I was only relying on the air coming out of Bella hitting my face, finding, until my lips finally met with hers.

Slowly, and softly, we kissed. Smacks several times until I felt her hand wound up on my nape, pulling me closer to her. Soft whimper came out of her closed mouth. I was getting lost with the dance of our lips together, it was getting stronger, fervent, hotter, until I found myself shoving my tongue inside her mouth, twisting it, playing sword with her tongue.

"Bella…" I heard myself muttered, lost in the erotic exchange of kisses. She had removed her jacket, and was now struggling to pull her shirt out of her head, with me unwilling to break loose from her kiss. My hand instinctively went down her cleavage as the sight of her creamy skin flashed on my half closed eyes. Her skin felt so warm against my trembling hand.

I didn't hesitate to unbutton her jeans, pulling it down hastily off her feet, then followed my sweatshirt and my shirt in one go. Her hands fidgeted on my buttons, cursing silently in my head, I helped her unbuttoned my jeans pulling it down leaving my briefs on just as she was on her bra and panty.

I glided both my hands from her back down to the curves on her waist, drowning my self on the feel of her smooth skin. My lips traveled from her lips down to her neck, tasting her skin, smelling the vanilla and the something else sweet lingering behind her hair and in every skin I kissed.

Pushing her slowly down to her bed as my lips savored her skin and my hands rubbed every curve it could touch, I had her pinned on the edge of her bed. I could feel her heavy breaths as my lips trailed on the valley of her peaks, biting her breasts lightly, sucking them, twirling my tongue on the nipples.

Muffled calling of my name hissed out of her mouth as I alternated nibbling her breasts and fondling them fervently. I could feel my manhood grew angrier and angrier by the minute as she had spread her legs open, crossing her feet behind me, trapping me on top of her, directly on top of her.

"I want to fuck you Bella," I grumbled, feeling every word slowly creeping out of my mouth. "Fuck me Edward." She whispered, playing her tongue on my earlobes.

It was like lightning stroke, after a blink of an eye, I was already holding the base of my manhood, stroking it lightly, leading it to the opening of her core. I trembled as the head of my length came in contact with her wet entrance, slowly letting my spear slither inside her very tight walls. My mouth was gaping, I could feel my chest arching as I felt every strand of my sanity melted together with the delicious wetness I could feel inside of her.

I heard Bella moaned loudly, looking at her on my half closed eyes, her breasts were protruding as she arched her back, her fingers knotted on the sheets, pulling them closer to her for support.

My left hand instinctively crawled on her flat abdomen, I wanted it to reach her breasts to fondle them but having my right hand busy thumbing her wet clitoris, I couldn't let myself leave. I could only do so much at one time.

I could feel I would come so fast after only several movement in and out of her, I was so out of myself, all I could feel was the quivering sensation of her walls against my throbbing erection. My penis felt constricted inside of her tight core that every single move I made loud moans escaped both our mouth.

She pulled me to her and began raking her fingernails on my back, her teeth sank into my collarbone as her legs clutched tighter on my butt. She was coming, and she was freaking screaming under her mouth muffled by her bite on my neck.

After a few more second, I couldn't hold any longer, my thrusts became eager, feeling the head of my manhood reached something inside her as I hardened every strike I made inside of her.

"I love you Edward, I always have," she muttered before I came, making me more excited, my fruits squirting as far as her face, making her laugh audibly, shaking the already tremor stricken bed.

* * *

I opened my eyes from a blinding streak of light directly on top of my eyelids. It was coming from the small portion of the window I wasn't able to cover with the curtain as I pulled it before I kissed Bella.

My eyes automatically landed on the most beautiful face I have ever seen. Bella was laying her head on top of my chest, facing me, her fingers still on top of my nipple she had been playing last night as we talked the night away.

We made love non-stop last night, probably about three times, until she finally gave up telling me she already feel sore from my huge penis. I silently chuckled running my palm to my face, _my huge penis, _I never thought I would ever let a woman happy with this thing.

When I have freed my face off of my palm, Bella's eyes were already on me, she was smiling, I must have awoken her from my chuckle. "Good morning, love of my life," I mumbled, snatching his hand from my chest toward my lips to kiss it.

She fluttered her eyes, licking her lips before she spoke with a raspy voice, "Did you have a nice Christmas?" ending it with a naughty smile.

"Fantastic."

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A/N

Uh-oh. Where would this fantastic Christmas bring them? You've got to come back. In the meantime, why don't you go and hit the review button down there? Please? Me--needs some loving too, I don't have Edward :C

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NOTA BENE**

For disclaimer and author's basic note, please see PREFACE in the first page. Thank you.


	24. Chapter 23 Streaks of Colors Reflect

**23 – STREAKS OF COLORS REFLECTING YOUR HAIR**

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EDWARD

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"I stayed in behalf of you last Christmas, give this one to me now," my annoyed voice rang to my ears as I pulled up in front of Bella's apartment. I just had an annoying argument with Jacob a moment ago as he chased me down the hall of the seminary apartment almost half running to keep pace on my agitated brisk walk.

He wanted me to stay for the New Year's Eve mass later this midnight, reasoning that I am needed in the altar to serve given there's not a lot of seminarians back from vacation. But I never agreed throwing him more to a fit, "You're forgetting your obligations because of Bella."

I was almost to hit him in the face when I heard him say Bella's name. I mean, I have never hit anyone my entire life, and I never intend to change that status anytime soon, but hearing him associate Bella in something that implied that she's a bad influence on me, I snapped. Good thing, I was in too much hurry to even think of dusting my self if I hit him, so all I could say was, "lay-off with the Bella thing will you? She has nothing to do with this," leaving him stunned in the hallway lit by fluorescent lights making the white walls looked a little bluish.

But of course, Bella has something to do with this, but not in a bad way. As I walked toward her apartment door, I caught a glimpse of myself in the reflection in one of the windows of her neighbor. Sighing together with thumbing the collar of my suit, I knocked on her door.

I made a promise to bring her to Vermont for a New Year dinner, in a fancy restaurant. Since Christmas Day, that fateful day she came back for me, we never left Caceres. We spent the entire week, if not inside her apartment, in the church Walls, now our special happy place. She had been helping me with notes and all the essentials I missed last semester that I needed to produce before I could be accepted for the second semester of my trimester stint to Diaconate.

We never talked about it again, my vocation I mean. Well, at least not the fact that I will be ordained in a few more months. I had it once mumbled in passing, telling her I wanted to get married first and then be ordained as a permanent Deacon, but the problem would be, I will never be able to touch my wife ever again. I was joking, though I will be lying if I say I was never thinking about it, but I was actually joking that moment, but she didn't get it. She stomped her feet and left me in her kitchen, locking herself in her room. She was there for an hour, with me sitting outside her door, begging her to come out. That would probably be written as our first fight.

Smile crawled in my face as I strain my ears on any sound inside her apartment before I knocked again. Bella explained to me that she doesn't want to talk about the ordination thing again. And by the look in her face as she spoke those words, it was evident; she was having a hard time accepting I will be a priest sooner, just as I was having a hard time too.

A swell grow inside my chest when I heard footfalls inside the apartment, in heels. I was literally chewing my lips in excitement as she opened her door. I thought I saw a goddess.

Bella was wearing a burgundy colored off shoulder dress. It was satin; the material shimmered from the pin light in her door way reflecting on it. Her hair, pulled to her head have messily dangling locks on her bare shoulders, and her eyes, those fluttering brown eyes looked even sultry with the color of her dress accentuating the brown hue of it. The curves of her body snuggled inside the silky dress with not a sign of wandering flab.

"Do you like it?" She spoke, making me snap from my obvious ogling. She had her fingers running on the side of her waist, my eyes following her every movement like a stupid dog being offered a tasty bone.

I needed to clear my throat that seemed to have something sticky on it. I think my libido just shot right up my brain. I had to control my thoughts, or else I will have to wrap little Edward tightly so it won't show off its excitement on my pants. "You are perfect" was all I could murmur, my stupid grainy voice giving out my indecent thoughts. Hiding my devilish smile I angled my arm to help her out of the room.

She was silent most of the time on our way driving down Vermont. She was talking alright, but she has this vibe that I know something was going on inside her mind that she doesn't want to share with me. She has the lip-thing going on, when she wanted to say something and then halt to rethink about it. But I didn't press the issue. I figured I'd be ruining her night if I insist on knowing whatever it was, she'll come around when she's ready to share it, and she always does.

I picked the most expensive restaurant in town, it wasn't everyday that I get to date my girlfriend in a suit so why not splurge. Our table was in a private cubicle, with a dark curtain hanging on its door. Bella wanted privacy, she said, she could feel eyes looking at her whenever we walk together even just to grab some take out for the night. Something that never happen before when we were just friends, we're guessing people can see that something was going on with us, probably by the way we look at each other or the way our body movements adjust to each others'.

The most part of our sumptuous dinner was used up with us talking about the panel interview that I was preparing myself for, and though she was pretty attentive of me, the hesitant about something was still lingering on her, like a bunch of bugs hovering on top of her. It was upsetting.

Finally after an awkward moment of silence with me looking on her champagne glass trying to figure out how to squeeze that seemingly elephantine problem that was holding her back from having fun, she began to speak.

"I talked to Alice this afternoon,"

I had my eyes on her as quick as possible, reading every movement her face made.

"She's still in her province--," she sighed looking away for a moment, "with Jasper."

I almost gawked on her, realizing that what had been bothering her was Alice and Jasper's Christmas vacation together. I chuckled, trying to make the moment lighter, joking, "We're going to have ours…in summer maybe…I'm going to bring you to--,"

She gasped, her face didn't bring any hint of amusement at all to my apparent failed joke, she had her eyes gaping on me, "that's not about it Edward." Swallowing my flattened ego with a gulp of the champagne we're drinking, "what's up with them?" I grumbled, gurgling the words down with the drink.

"What was that about marrying before ordination we were talking about last time?"

I almost spit the champagne out of my mouth; I could feel it already had traveled inside my nostrils. I never thought this thing was about it. And what could have happened to Jasper and Alice that would merit Bella asking me about something she never wanted to talk about?

"Bella--,"

"Maybe that could work for them. I mean, they wanted to be together, Alice for one assured me she wanted to be with Jasper forever. But if Jasper's going to be ordained, it means--," she trailed, playing her fingers on the table cloth.

I heaved a sigh, resting my back on the cushioned backrest, thumbing my hair pulling it slightly off my head; I think I am going to have a headache. "Marrying before ordination to permanent Diaconate...only if you don't want to pursue to priesthood, forever be a Deacon. But…hearing your tales about Jasper and Alice's…um—sex life, I doubt Jasper would agree with that. I mean, I could never not touch you when you're my wife."

She huffed, twitching her lips but didn't say a word. So after chewing the inside of my mouth, I rested my elbows on the table, leaning closer to her. "A married Deacon can never touch his wife ever again, I mean, sex, they can never make love ever again." I mumbled, grazing my forefinger in the length of her nose.

I saw her eyes fluttered profusely, her throat bobbing back and forth. And then banging her back on her backrest away from me, she crossed her arms on top of her chest, "I will never ask you that," she mumbled.

"Ask what," I asked casually keeping my eyes locked on her face.

"I will never marry you."

I know my mouth gaped, unhinging my jaws down to the floor. I am not sure though if my voice sounded hurt, I tried not to show, "Ouch. Thank you. That's very comforting to know." I murmured pouting but with a hint of sarcasm and hilarity.

Apparently it worked; she must have not sensed I was discomforted with her remark because a moment later she was already in my lap, sitting in one of my already trembling legs. God I feel like I have just awoken from a very long hibernation, I never felt this—energetic when I was on my teens.

"Hey, don't get upset. I didn't mean that to hurt you. It's just that, it kind of seem so…far-fetched for me. I mean, I don't know, I've been thinking since Alice called, of what I will do. But until now…" she whispered, trailing, her lips so near mine. I could feel the scent of the liquor we were consuming, infused in her soft smelling breath. Her fingers were raking my hair, pulling it down to my forehead.

I have no idea if I was getting hot from the soothing feel of her hands on my scalp, or the warm feel of her center pressed directly on my thigh, or maybe the undeniable poking feeling of her breasts on my side. _Focus Edward, the love of your life is talking in front of you, quit thinking maliciously. But still…_

My immoral thoughts popped went she pressed the opening of my nose, making me gasp for breath. She must have realized I have been leering at her. She lowered her lips even more closely to mine, her eyes almost half closed looking down on probably my pallid face.

But I think, I became even more pale, my blood surging all down to my gearing up weapon of humanity, because she moved away from me, but only to entrap me both in her legs, straddling me, her thighs were stark contrast on her blood red clothes. I felt my manhood twitched feeling her center landing directly on top of my bulge. She naughtily chuckled, I was about to plunge my lips on hers but she stopped me by putting her forefinger on top of my lips, her lips just behind her fingers, mumbling, "But until now, I couldn't decide which is worse, living with someone who I know didn't belong to me in the first place, or living alone looking up at him knowing I could have had him."

I have an answer to that, but I doubt she'll even hear it, or worse consider it. Having her say she's confuse of how to feel is as clear as saying, 'I am not sure if I wanted to,' and doubt often comes just before refusal. "You worry too much," I grumbled, muffled from the finger on top of my lips. I ran my hands from her bare back down to her hips, drowning them with her curves, "Can't we just be happy while we are together?"

She ran her forefinger from my scrunched forehead down to the length of my nose, her eyes following the movement of her finger, her lips curled up into a small smile. And then she sighed, pressing her body harder to mine. "Just promise me, you will never leave anything just for me."

My face turned sour, I think my rising libido just went kaput. "Bella--,"

"I love you so much Edward. But I won't steal you away from anyone…so much more, from God."

_I don't believe this. My vocation still hinders our happy life together. _But of course it does, and it will always do, until I decide which way to go. It was just like Emmett, it has been years since he went regency, but until now he couldn't decide. He loves Rosalie, but his vocation is just as important to him. _Ayayyay._

Bella must have noticed my sudden change of mood. She pecked a light kiss on my lips and then moved back to her seat, gurgling on the remaining champagne in her glass, which was like a full glass of champagne. I know it affected her so badly, and as soon as I saw her winced from the taste of the drink, I felt bad for acting so stupidly. This is just as hard for her as it is for me. She loved me, I know, and she must have been harboring confused and the same time discouraged feelings inside of her.

Standing shortly, startling her, I walked toward her, pulling her up through her elbow, sliding my hand instantly down to her hand. "Come on, it's New Year's Eve, there's no reason for us to get caught up on someone else's problems. If you want to get drunk, it better be in my house. I don't want to carry you out of this restaurant with your dress flinging back and forth your thighs." I muttered non-stop.

"Ouch. You sounded like you loathed taking care of a drunk me."

I pressed her hand harder, chuckling as we made our way out the dimly lit restaurant mumbling in a silly tone, "Noooo. I actually love taking care of you when you're drunk. Just don't say someone else's name tonight. You're my girlfriend now."

I earned a hip kick on that one, but at least I have made the situation lighter, Bella laughing all the way back to my car. But behind my continuous teasing on her I couldn't help worry of what she had said a while ago. She almost actually said she never wanted me…like Alice wanted Jasper. And that certainly griped on me. How can I tell her I am not ready to let go yet?

When we arrived in the penthouse, she hastily opened the tall curtains of the ceiling to floor glass window wall. The glittering lights of the city below glimmered, everyone is awake. The sky has some stars flickering from afar but almost drowned from the sparks of the fireworks flying, streaking the dark space. The fireworks looked even closer, like it bursts and streaks just inches away from the glass window. I have never enjoyed New Year's Eve like this before, and even if I did, I must have forgotten it having been spending it inside the seminary most of the time.

I quickly slipped my gift on her neck, making her startle from the cold feel of the platinum chain with a heart pendant studded with diamonds. "Happy New Year, my Love," I whispered on her ear. She quickly turned about looking down on the pendant that sat snugly in between her cleavage. My fingers trembled slightly as I picked the pendant away from her inviting peaks, murmuring in my softest deepest voice, "My heart, it's all yours, take care of it," muttering the words, as it was written on the back of the pendant, turning it over for her to have a brief sight of the engraving behind.

Bella ran her thumb on my cheek her other fingers clawing on my hair behind my ear, "you have a very expensive heart, glittering…" she murmured. I shrugged, softly chuckling as I planted a small kiss on her jaw, "what can I say, my heart felt happy with you in it, it can't help but glitter…"

I left Bella marveling on the different shapes and colors of popping rainbows in the night sky as she fingered the heart pendant swinging on her neck. Throwing my jacket on the couch, looking like a huge black stain sprawled on a cream garment, I opened the ref rummaging for champagne bottles that I have asked my butler to stock with; letting the cool air from inside soothe me for a moment. I wanted to forget this worrisome feeling. Tonight was about Bella and me; I don't want to spoil it by acting all giddy on something that hasn't come yet.

And as the champagne glasses clinked in between my fingers, walking back to the living room, I have in some way composed myself, _I will cross the bridge when I get there. God always have shown me light whenever I am lost. I know this time He won't shun His light off on me._

I saw first hand when Bella spun around with that gorgeous smile. The tune I made for her was playing on my stereo. I tilted my head to answer her silent question. And with spilling champagne both in our hands, I took her, slowly moving backwards forwards, side to side with our body closer on each others' as we danced the music inspired by her presence in my life. Her heart beat calmly alongside mine, it's like we have the same rhythm. Our faces were inches away from each other, breathing each others' breath. I could feel her soft body next to mine, like there was only a thin sheet of fabric between us, which is exactly the case.

After a moment, the sky lit up on fireworks counting down the remaining minutes till midnight. It was an awesome idea which made Bella pull away from my embrace, only to wrap my arms in front of her as she spun around to watch the numeric display, until the last fireworks had burst in the sky in a rainbow shape saying 'happy new year'. Well that one is pretty...predictable.

She turned about slowly, without breaking my embrace, wrapping her hands on my nape, I could actually feel something dripping inside my collar, and I presumed she was pouring the champagne inside my shirt. My face grew into a huge smile looking intently on her; she had a very naughty smile playing on her lip, half of it hidden in between her teeth. The highlights of her hair became colorful as different colors of lights lined the night sky behind her, she looked like a princess adorned with a glittery hair piece.

Bella plunged her lips on me, hungrily, pouring the remaining of the champagne on my back, the cold slithering inside my shirt. My laughter was muffled on her fervent wet kisses, deepening every movement, until she needed to breathe and pulled away, _hah! Amateur._

She turned around again, holding both my hands wrapped on her abdomen, I could almost see the champagne inside my glass trembled as my hands were quivering. I had my forehead resting behind her head, breathing heavily on the sweet scent of her hair. I ran down my lips at the base of her nape, tasting the sweetness of her supple skin, down to her shoulder blades, my tongue making circles as it moved.

Bella was moving her head in response to my tease, jerking and rolling it as I made sure every skin on her back was covered with my longing. I felt her hands let go of my hands, only to run it behind her in my front that was seriously having some military alert, my weapon going amuck on her behind. She slid her hand inside my tight pants after she had hastily unzipped it, making me jerk in excitement even though I have already half expected the feeling.

"Oppsss…my bad," my voice sounded so drowned with my desire as I slowly poured the contents of my glass on her neck. The liquor glittered as it traveled from her neck down to her front and her back at the same time. "Oh fuck…it's cold," she whispered almost inaudible. Her hand gripped my balls even harder making me thrash my head back.

For a moment everything was silent, not even the almost muted bang and boom outside the glass wall from the merriment of the New Year could be heard inside, because what was lingering in the air was the loud breathing of two souls savoring every minute like it was the last. Of course those two souls were ours, Bella's and mine...us, Bella and me.

My hand faltered as I tremblingly searched for the zipper of her dress finding it behind her. And as I slowly lowered the dress off her body, gliding on her skin, my palms grazed on top of her milky skin, feeling its hair stiffened from my touch. My ears felt so sensitive, I actually heard it when the dress fell down the probably soaked with champagne sheepskin rug where we were standing.

My breath became more erratic seeing her naked, with only the red tiny piece of string covering her buttocks. Her creamy skin was decorated with different colors going on and off the sky. I wasn't able to control myself, spinning her around me, my eyes willingly dropped from her face down to her screaming breasts, poking my clothed chest.

Bella's nails scraped my neck as she tried to move away from my kiss, wanting to say something, "Thank you for this," she mumbled, getting caught up on my persistent pulling of her lips to mine, "I love you," she sighed, "—and, I am already happy with just the thought you," she sighed again, my lips burning inside hers, "Edward--," she moaned, "you chose to love me even just…"

And by the next time she wanted to speak again, I didn't let go of her lips anymore, because she herself had pulled off my designer shirt, impatiently pulling it off to tear the buttons open, her hands gliding up and down my chest to my groin.

I stepped forward, making her made a step backward until her back was on the glass wall. And then with my lips attached to her neck seemingly hungry for fresh blood, I spun her around, my hands quickly shoving down her panty. And as she helped herself rid of her undergarment, I myself had in a blink rid mine.

My manhood doesn't need anymore introduction; he is all too ready to meet up with Bella's gift. My knees slowly separated her legs and then slowly, my length made way, slithering through inside her well lubricated walls. I heard Bella cried; her hands balled into a fist, resting on the glass wall. My hands gripped on the flesh of her hips guiding my erection until it reached the end of her tunnel. My fingers clawed even deeper as I tried to pull my erection out, slowly once more as I find my rhythm in and out of her in a head spinning craziness.

Bella alternated pounding the wall and scraping my legs as the music of both our loud moans filled the air, drowning even more the exchange of thunder and lightning sort of fireworks outside. My lips never stopped licking everything Bella, now her skin didn't only taste like her vanilla shower gel and her sweet perfume; it had the tinge of alcohol and salt from her sweat. My world swirled. I think I am getting addicted on Bella.

"Edward…"

The moment I heard Bella moaned my name, trembling, I knew she had her orgasm. But I was not to give up this easy. I want to make her happy, I want her to beg me to make love with her over and over again. I want her to beg me to fuck her.

"Fuck me please, I beg you." She mumbled, easing off my throbbing manhood to face me. Apparently I have had spoken my thoughts loudly. I am so off my mind. She banged her back on the glass wall, her thighs separated from each other. She was gripping my forearm forcibly pulling me toward her.

Her breasts were seriously talking me to suck on them, and I did, right after I have in one swift motion slid my length inside and began hitting her again. I actually caught myself as every second pass by with me passionately pulling in and out of her core that I was actually banging her already on the wall. She was actually using me for support as I unintentionally have carried her up through her buttocks so I need not adjust my height on her to have a good slide inside.

Bella was screaming, but I doubt that it was in pain, because she was actually talking dirty with me, we were having the kinkiest conversation I ever had in my entire adulthood something I never thought I would ever be able to let out of my mouth.

"You are fucking irresistible--,"

"Do you like fucking me--,"

"Yes I do…and I will fuck you over and over until I die--,"

"Oh you hot damn—yes, fuck me, over…and over, yes Edward….oh fuck!!!"

I felt her quivered again, her nails scraping once more on my back, a slight sting seeping inside from the sweat running on the bruises. I know I could have been hurting her already, I could feel the bones inside of her connected with the head of my manhood as I unmindful of my strength plowed over and over inside her, until she came.

She was laughing, impeded inside my mouth as I slowly put her down, my manhood slowly and unhurriedly still making its happy gliding inside her. Her fingers tangled on my hair as she softly pecked wet kisses on my mouth, pulling away every now and then, teasing me, and making me want her even more.

I pulled out my sword and scooped her up, playing tug o' war with her tongue inside her mouth as I moved blindingly toward my room, bumping vases and a whole lot more that was non strategically placed as decorations, I mental noted to have it all removed tomorrow, throw them if I must.

Not a moment later, I was already on top of her, comfortably lying on my bed.

"I love you," she muttered, her eyes fluttering as it gazes on mine.

"No…I love you…" I whispered, grazing my fingers on the length of her arms, pulling it up on her head, trapping her wrists with my hands as I slowly slid my pulsating manhood inside of her, once again, savoring every minute inside, as we celebrate the coming of a New Year, and I am sure, both of us have something playing out inside our heads as I slowly moved in and out of her, not breaking my stare on her eyes.

* * *

I knew I slept smiling last night, my jaws felt stiff as I made my first eye flutter easing away from sleep. I opened my eyes with an angel on my bed, her back showing all the way down to half of her butt, the light blue cotton warmer sheet was tangled on her other leg making it too short to cover half of her body.

A soft chuckle came out of my morning breath cursed mouth as I slowly turned to my side to have a good look of Bella. She had her face turned toward me, her lips half open, snoring. _Poor little angel, she must have been very tired last night. _Her arms were tucked under her pillow while her tangled hair spread wildly on top of it, contrasting with its light color.

_I am so damn lucky. I get to kiss this girl, I get to touch her…feel her from the inside but most of all hear her scream she loves me. Dear God, I don't deserve this kind of gift from you but I take it You sent her for me to realize my true calling…I don't…I am so confused. I am so sorry I let this confusion eat me up until all that's left is doubt, I need You my God to let me know what to do--,"_

I halted momentarily with my silent conversation with my Creator when I felt something warm escaped from my eye trailing toward my other eye. I was crying, once again I found something that had weaken me. Normally I only cried when I was stricken with grief on my parent's demise, but now, I think I have cried too many times with just the thought that I needed to choose between Bella and my calling.

_Why could life be just as easy as 123?_

I immediately wiped my tears as Bella began shuffling on her place, turning her head away from me…and then back. She fluttered her gorgeous eyes as they tried to focus on my face. _I hope she doesn't get confuse why in the name of everything holy was she on top of my bed._

"Hi," she murmured; her voice still raspy. I blinked my eyes, that was all I could do aside from a faint smile so she won't have any thought that a few moments ago I was…actually feeling a little glum. "I love my gift," turning around lying on her back, she scooted toward me, covering half her body with the freed blanket. Her hand was apparently holding the pendant of her necklace as she slept, tucking it under her pillow.

"I loved my gift too," I murmured wrapping my arm under her head, pulling her closer to me as I put a kiss on her forehead. I burst into laughter when she childishly pulled her head up to look at me, murmuring, "Did I call some one's name last night? Because I swear it's all you inside my head, I mean--," I cut her off and then she started giggling too as I tickled her side.

Bella landed on top of me, her warm naked body once again waking me up and everything inside of me just instantly as throwing a lighter on something drenched in gasoline. "Your huge dick is all over me last night, how can I think of something else but that…" she whispered beneath my ears, licking the back of it, her warm breathe tickled me in all lengths.

"I am glad my huge dick could make you happy," I muttered, gaping my eyes on her, my voice sounded so silly.

"Ecstatic, crazy, wild--," she murmured pulling up from me, her hands on either of my side supporting her weight. Her nipples jutted and poked the sensitive skin on my chest, "--begging for more," she added, whispering the last just on top of my lips. I chased for her lips but she was quick to pull it away from me.

"For whatever its worth," she said, beginning to slide down under the sheets, my chest pounded loudly, briefly looking down her as she moved downward, banging my head on the pillow after just as second. She blew her breath on my skin, "your penis is the first to enter my inside…in flesh, no protection,"

I pulled my head up again trying to get hold of what she had said but her words rang on my head over and over again, fanning the heat I was already suffocating from, "so basically, you're my first real…fuck."

My face was buried on my palms, my eyes rolled to the back of my head like I was having a convulsion or seizure…I think I am, feeling my erection slid on her warm mouth, "shhhiiittt,"I hissed loudly. I could feel every swirl her tongue made on my angry manhood as she complimented her thrusting, her hand playing on the base of my penis covering what her mouth couldn't. I couldn't help myself arch my chest up and my penis further inside her mouth, as my fingers tangled with her messy hair, helping her on her movement up and down my overly eager erection.

A part of my head was dancing erratically from arousal but some part, shooing the other, taunting me of how great my responsibility on Bella had become, and I couldn't feel anymore grateful I was given that responsibility, no matter how confusing and complicated might it be.

And as I spurt my seeds on her lips having had done it for the very first time in my life, even though I could see her with my milk splattered on her face, I had the image of the first time I saw her inside the club playing in my head, different colored lights swirling on her face, coloring every inch of her.

She fell beside me, hiding a very familiar smirk in her still red and swollen lips, _God she's so pretty, I never thought she could ever be mine. _I had the urge to ask her what she was thinking when her eyes sparked and then made an embarrassed hiding of her face under a portion of the blanket covering us. And after about a couple of teasing with me on top of her drowning her of my kisses on the ticklish part of her neck, she gave up and blurted out, the veins on her neck visible from so much exertion, "you know a lot of saints!"

I know my face turned red, I felt warm air crept all over it, but I couldn't feel shame on me calling all the saints in heaven maybe even those who haven't been Canonized yet when I was having a brain popping orgasm.

"Oh why not? You give me orgasms like I was lining up to meet everyone holy in heaven." I mumbled on her neck, biting her lightly. And even though it sounded so cheesy, it wasn't just because she was giving me a very pleasurable experience, because the fact is, whenever I am with her, I felt like I am en route to heaven, putting sex aside.

**

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A/N (A very personal note from me--I know I am very dramatic)

I have been bashed by a lot of bitching these past few days, and I was totally having a hard time putting new chapters with all the bitching around, but I couldn't just stop writing the story in the middle just because someone did give my much needed review ONLY it wasn't what I wanted to hear/read. Of course, you guys have the sole power to tell me how's my story doing, and I do appreciate it that you read and reviewed it, but yeah I guess most of you are right, writing is not one of my strengths...so I suppose I will now make my stories only for my own eyes to enjoy. But don't worry, I am not like someone who will start and not finish the work, just because (not when this story has something so important for me)

So I'm sorry for confusing you all, I promise I am almost done, a few more chapters and I'm done. I appreciate if you'll read until the end (to know what's going to happen--if you have not figured it out yet) BUT I will totally understand if you'll opt to stop reading where you are, it could save you a lot of headache and wondering.

Thank you so much. C=

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NOTA BENE**

For disclaimer and author's basic note, please see PREFACE in the first page. Thank you.


	25. Chapter 24 A Blinding Horizon

**24 – A BLINDING HORIZON**

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_**BELLA

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**

They say 'Love is like a wildflower, it's often found in the most unlikely places'_, _and today, I felt like that quote I have heard somewhere slapped me right in my face.

My eyes stung from holding back my tears for so long. I don't want to cry, _I don't want to fucking cry. _Loud exultation of song blared in the air, echoing in the four corners of the church, the huge bell in the Church tower went berserk, shrieking, sounding ginormous than it actually looked, more cheerful than it usually sounded on Easter Sundays and even during weddings. Four men dressed in white albs walked slowly in the center aisle, solemnly as if they were measuring every step they were making. They were followed by the usual entourage of the celebrating priest, this time a Bishop. Everyone's face was turned to the center aisle having a good look of the four lucky men, who was now about to receive their Diaconal ordination.

About four months ago, I made a decision to spend my whole time with Edward, all the time that was remaining before he becomes the ultimate unavailable single man. And that was what we did.

He was part of my everyday. In the morning, he will call me as early as 6 o'clock, just after their morning prayer. But that was not for me to get ready for school which will not start until 10 a.m. He was calling to greet me good morning, to remind me he's coming for breakfast and to once again, tell me he loves me.

Alice leaves home at 9 a.m. leaving me and Edward alone in the house. Jasper, who was now working in a school down in Vermont City drives her to the very near St. Anne building before heading down to his work.

At night, Edward would drop by just to see me one last time for the day, staying for a couple of minutes before heading back to his apartment only to call me a few minutes after as we gaze out into each others' window, with me of course, looking at just a mere silhouette of his lit window.

We made love all the time, and if not for the three day break from my monthly visitor, we could have shagged everyday. We had sex in the kitchen, breaking a lot of Alice's most treasured Luminarc kitchen wares. We fucked in the living room, staining the newly installed yellow suede upholstery of the couch from our sweat, and something else. We had sex in the doorway, with the door closed of course, my long school skirt enduring most of the tears as it always get caught up with the carvings. We made love in my bed most of the time, making me almost hesitant to change my beddings for fear of losing Edward's scent which had almost seeped deep in the mattress, we did it in my bathtub, slipping all the time having had a couple of bumps, and if we never had enough self control and self discipline we could have done it too in Alice's room, which of course we didn't. And during those three-day time out, Alice would always find me sleeping on Edward's arms in the couch, fallen asleep while watching crappy TV series.

At first I thought, it was all about sex. I mean, who wouldn't think of sex with Edward. His huge manhood was almost always ready, no need for gearing nor waking up. His lips were two hot piece of flesh that could send me to towering fire, his soft hands, his long fingers, they were tools of self-discipline destruction, and his tongue—I could go where no one else had brought me with just his tongue.

But it wasn't about sex. As days went by, I found myself longing for him, like every minute. I wanted to see him, I wanted to hear his voice, I wanted to feel his fingers tucking my hair behind my ears. I have become dependent on him, in terms of pick-me up moments, even as early as dawn or as late as midnight.

I had found love, a whole new and different side of it.

Suddenly we have withheld everything. We used to go out with Alice and Jasper and had some fun in the city, eating out, shopping, and going to the movies. Time came that we'd rather stay in the apartment and stare at each other, or walk in the pathway with no particular place to go, or drive around Caceres, holding hands, not speaking a word until we get both tired.

There were nights I couldn't fall asleep, and if I did, I would wake up from a bad dream that I couldn't even remember what it was. And as I looked at Edward every single day, it's like I was lookingion my life in a dark tunnel, that I could see the forthcoming light at the end of the tunnel, but I had no idea what lies beyond. I couldn't even think about it.

There were only two times that I knew we fought. The one time was when he joked about getting married before Diaconal ordination, and the other was when I had been so upset with him having to stay for a spiritual retreat that had gone long. We were supposed to have a dinner with Alice and Jasper, it was our month anniversary. But knowing I had no choice but to let him go for the retreat, I ended up going with Alice and Jasper, despite Edward's decision for me to stay at home. He was furious of course, us coming home early in the morning, we found him sitting in the doorway, all covered in mosquito bites.

Since then I had this weird feeling that, I was actually being resentful of the fact that, I could never had a normal life with Edward, with us always sneaking, hiding from the prying eyes of people who might know him from the seminary. And though I didn't have the right to question God of the situation I was in, I had begun to feel utterly defensive of my relationship with him. I had started to reason on everything that we do, sneaking out, having fun, and even having sex.

Until two days ago when a seemingly huge object fell from the sky and bump me in the head. Well not necessarily coming from the sky, though.

I received a frantic call while I was inside my Humanities class, my professor throwing me a rather murderous scowl. I hurried out of the room and of the building, finding Jacob under the shade of the huge leafy tree just in the side of the entrance, looking all too Roman warrior with his beefy arms, twisting and turning his cellphone on his palms.

I was hesitant to smile at him, fuck I was hesitant to even step toward him, first because, he was never nice to me, second, he called me with a cheerless and defiant voice that...third, could have been with the face he was currently sporting, a scowl…even more murderous than my Humanities professor's scowl.

Without saying a word when I get to him, I stared for seconds trying to decipher what he was trying to say with those slit eyes penetrating every inch of my soul.

"Are you happy now?" He hissed, his eyes almost burning.

I couldn't find my fucking tongue and all I could do was to glower, feeling fazed.

"Your boyfriend is being held longer by The Panel, all thanks to you, he's having a hard time passing what the Committee was asking."

I felt a gasp came out of my mouth, not because of what I have learned about what Edward's going through because I know Edward, if it was academic, he would pass it no matter how difficult it was. Jacob's words stung like a bee's butt. "What the hell did I do?" I sullenly grumbled, stepping closer to him.

"Oh you don't know what you've done? You've been busy frolicking with Edward that you didn't even notice that you have been dragging him away from his calling? If you and your little friend just left Edward and Jasper alone--,"

"Wh--?" I tried to speak in between his blabbering but I couldn't even get the chance, he was unrelenting.

"You suddenly came, messing up with everything that Edward had dream about--,"

"Jacob!"

"You are one disgusting form of human specie, you don't have any right to just come and destroy someone else, just because--," he paused for a while, I could almost see a smoke coming out from his ears, "just because you can fuck like savage people doesn't mean you can go--."

He was not able to finish what more insults he was about to say. My hand flew on his face, slapping his cheek with all the strength I have. It's probably a good thing he was all muscled, because if not with the force of my slap, he could have had his fucking head rolling on the rough pavement.

My fingers trembled just as my breath did, my tears shot right out of my eyes like squirts from a toy gun, "You have no fucking right to speak to me that way. You don't know me, you don't have any idea of what Edward and I had had to go through--,"

"Oh you mean your sexcapades, I have a pretty good pict--,"

"Shut the fuck up!" my voice croaked, and I don't fucking care if the passers-by were now looking anxiously on an angry guy and a crying lady all dressed on her school uniform. I pointed my forefinger on Jacob, and without a thought I blurted, "And you think you can hide the fact that the reason why you are so angry with me and Alice was because we have robbed you of the two guys you liked the most? Yes Jacob, we know you're gay, and if you think you can hide your sexuality by donning on a white gown, you are fucking crazy, because we know the reason why you entered priesthood isn't because of your calling but because of the call of your flesh! So mind your business and get the hell out of mine!"

With that, I ran blindly toward my apartment, not minding to go back to school at all. I waited for Edward to call, anxiously longing to hear his voice, but he never called. I tried calling him that night, but all my phone could get was a busy tone.

The horizon had finally come. The dreaded day of his ordination was dancing in the next street, taunting me that I have no time left in my hands. I stared almost all night on my window waiting for his room to light up, but it never did.

The next morning, which was yesterday, Alice, was staring blankly at me. Apparently, I was eating my breakfast like a pig, stashing every piece of the cereal in my mouth without even munching it…that, and I was crying. I didn't even know I was crying, only when I felt Alice beside me.

I cried the whole morning talking to Alice, with her patiently listening to every sob I made. She need not hear what I wanted to say because she already know what I was going through. She of course never had to go through this, because Jasper, had long turned his back on the seminary life, and was now enjoying freely his choice to live normally outside the walls of the formation.

Last night I never went to sleep. I couldn't cry anymore, and I couldn't even bring myself to prayer because I don't know what to say. God knows what was lingering in my thoughts, but I couldn't bring to say it myself, I was ashamed of myself, I was utterly embarrassed that I came to this end of the road and now I wanted more.

I was really expecting Edward to show last night, break up with me at least. I thought with a final closure on our relationship, I could somehow put myself to believe that this is the end of the road we both chose to travel. But he never came, or if he did, he never came inside the apartment and chose to hand a bunch of roses to Alice to give to me.

_My ever beloved Bella,_

_I am so sorry for bringing you this heartache. What I would give to have another chance. I love you, you are the light that had colored my life._

Edward's handwriting flashed in my head as the words stung every corner of my already aching heart. The note was written on the back of a movie pass from one of our movie date nights. It was inserted in a bunch of white roses; one sole red rose was trapped in the middle. I stared on my window last night once again, but this time, a muted light shone on Edward's window, I may not have the clearest vision, but I know in my heart he was staring right into my window.

* * *

Shuffling in the seat made me wake up from my awful reverie. Everyone had knelt, and now I could visibly see the image of four men all prostrated in the foot of the altar forming like a broken circle. My eyes were dazed by clouds and as the scent hit me, I recognized it wasn't cloud at all, it was the all too powerful scent of incense, burning somewhere.

My eyes blurred as the choir began to sing the prayer of ordination. I felt like I was in heaven, the rays of the sun filtered on the colored window glasses, casting light on the four souls being ordained by the bishop. I could see my hands trembling, I felt too weak, my back quivered, and my eyes began to leak. I could feel gush of air coming out of my chest.

And as my ears sensitized, I realized the prayer the choir was singing was actually the Litany of the Saints. My world whirled, not just because I was hearing the names of the Saints that I just hear on Edward's lips when we are having sex, but because, once again, Edward was muttering the names of the Saints, as his eyes glued on my face, while he knelt on the choir pews singing the prayers for his fellow seminarians receiving the ordination.

Yes. Edward was in the choir.

Seeing him wearing his alb but not with the four seminarians in the foot of the altar made me question everything that I have done in the past four months. I couldn't decide if I was happy that he wasn't being ordained, or was I sad that Jacob was right, I have ruined a life that has long been formed.

As Jacob and his other colleagues started their prayer of Ordination, I ran out of the church. I couldn't bear the sound of the words being uttered one by one, but most of all, I couldn't bear the stare that was from Edward across the altar.

Running blindly, I later found myself in the first place I had my first real conversation with Edward, where all my hope had began sprouting. I felt too weak to fight my tears from rushing down my cheeks as the huge statue of Our Lady of Fatima came into view. I was in the Grotto.

Sobs came out of my sealed lips; my shoulders trembled as I tried to seek unfathomable answer on the face of Mother Mary, an answer to my unspoken question. I couldn't bear pray, because I know, the words that will come out of my mouth were the words I have been dreading to speak of. The things I have been trying to avoid ever since. I can never say I felt sorry, because inside of me, I know I wasn't sorry for everything that I have done, had it been the reason why Edward wasn't being ordained.

"Don't feel sorry for me."

I don't need to turn around to know whose voice has that depth that could swim through every pit of my bones. I pressed my eyes closed, feeling the tears trickled down my already numb face, I tried to picture Edward behind me, drowning my senses of his scent that was now hovering in the air.

"Bella," he muttered, sighing and then hesitating to speak for a while. I didn't face him, I was afraid that if I do, I'll be running to his arms. I wanted him to not to have a good impression of what I was really feeling. I wanted him to think, I was angry that he didn't made it this day in the altar. That was what I wanted, I have always been clear to him, that I want nothing but for him to be what he wanted before he met me. If only I could lie to myself.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I disappointed you," he whispered almost inaudible from the busy humming of cars outside the wall, "I…wasn't ready…I don't…I wanted more time…I couldn't let go."

My nose flared hearing him admit to what he was exactly feeling, because I was feeling exactly the same. I wasn't ready to let go, I wanted more time too. My heart and my brain were fighting whether I should spin around and tell him. But just as weak as I have always been, I stayed in my place, not saying a word, my head turned down gazing on the chipping feet of the statue.

Edward left, saying no further words but "I am leaving the seminary, you know where you can find me."

I was frozen in my awkward standing position. My tears have dried up, but the throbbing in my chest stayed especially when I couldn't hear anything anymore but the loud and cheerful ringing of the church bell untiring on the steeple where Edward and I once shared an afternoon laugh.

_What the fuck just happened?_

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NOTA BENE**

For disclaimer and author's basic note, please see PREFACE in the first page. Thank you.


	26. Chapter 25 Sand Castle Against the Ebb

**25 – SAND CASTLE AGAINST THE EBB OF TIDE**

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_**EDWARD

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The air tasted even saltier than I remembered, or was it because I was feeling profoundly unhappy and so much more of a battered soul. I know I shouldn't be feeling this empty, after all this is what I wanted. I knew all along that no matter where we go, no matter what we've gone through and no matter how much we try and pull time from speeding down to the finish line, it will always come to this. End of the road.

I had the best four months of my life. I spent each and every moment of my life thinking about Bella and everything that was going on between us. Jacob is dead wrong thinking this was all because of my sexual urges. Sex for me was just the cream on top of perfectly blended cafe mocha from Starbucks. We could not have sex and still I am pretty sure our love would still have thrived. Nevertheless, he was quite right that it was my fault this has come to this abrupt and painful parting. It may not be as abrupt as he thought it was because frankly speaking we already know that this moment will come, we were just too afraid to talk about it...But one thing is sure, it was painful, as painful as I have imagined it would be.

The day before my ordination, I couldn't bring myself to go and see Bella. I know she was feeling utterly anxious about that day; she had not been talking so much lately. And it pains me a lot that she had to go through so much agony seeing me leave her. I never planned to go in her house and break up with her, no, I would never do that, because as selfish as it may sound, I really never wanted to leave her side, I never wanted what we have to end. It was something as precious to me as the air that I breathe. And no matter how long we had prepared for that day, I was still taken by surprise. I never wanted to say goodbye.

Jasper had talked to me that night. He was so kind to stay as long as I needed him just patiently listening to my pathetic blabbering. If that had been Jacob, I could have punched him or maybe slapped him for being so inconsiderate. I never asked God to bring me someone to test me of my weakness. I have been tested so many times before, and I am comfortable to say I have never failed.

Just this one. Just this once.

Jasper was right, I should let go of Bella. I was having a hard time letting go of my vocation, I was really holding onto it, but that was only because I wasn't sure Bella wanted to be with me for long. I knew for a fact that she never wanted me to quit my formation; she wanted to see me in a white alb celebrating the mass. She had always been vocal of her awe on Jasper letting go of his vocation but behind those glistening eyes, she once told me something that had been etched in my heart since then, "I never want you to turn your back in the seminary, I am here not to pull you away from it, but to make sure no one else would tempt you to leave." That must be why she never talked to me that day in the grotto, after finding out I was not one of the seminarians to be ordained Deacon. She thought she failed. And she never gave me a chance to explain.

But what am I to explain? That I wanted her more than my vocation? I know I do, I just don't know how to prove even to myself that that was what I wanted. I am selfish, for once I felt I wanted the two most important thing in my life, the ones left for me, my vocation, and my life--Bella...my life. They say it only comes once in a lifetime, when you find someone you wanted to spend your life with, and I know that one time has already come...but what now?

The tide has now reach my feet which were stretched in the sand as I sat in the shore, just watching the sun reflect its rays on the calm sea like diamonds glittering in the surface. The sun looks even more big and round as it slowly descent in the horizon. My face felt stingy from the sun burning every skin exposed from my linen pants and long sleeves, I bet I am either burning red or shiny russet brown from sun burn. The sun baked white sand gave some comfort on my tired mind and soul, my hands propped behind me clawing my fingers on the warm tiny beads. A few feet away from me, the sand castle I have made a few days ago still stood against the teasing lips of the tide, slowly eating up each bead of sand that was holding it from falling.

Just like my life.

Sand castle built not to last but fight as long as it can hold the destructive whoosh of the coming tide. Now I have no idea which part of my life could be compared to a sand castle. Was it me being seminarian, that I have built this sand castle of life that I have known from the very start, could that be the castle of dreams that I thought it was or was it the castle I have started to built with Bella as my princess?

I've been waiting for any sign of Bella...a punishing ten days of wait. I know I am shooting for the stars but I was just wishing I could have some more time with her; I'd probably had the reason to finally turn my back into something. The problem is I was so darn afraid I'd end up choosing the wrong one.

The wind blew; my hair which I haven't combed since I can remember ruffled as it whiffed on its strands sending a warm gush of air on my face. _Ahh_, _the sweet scent of_ _peace._ As the salty smell of the air flooded my face, I recognized something else hanging in the air, something that made me jerked up right away and spun around.

Behind me stood an angel, dressed in all white. Her clothes flapped wildly from the sea breeze, like tiny wings fluttering behind her. Her hair was up behind her head, tousled tips swayed on her neck and her bare shoulders. Her creamy skin glistened from the afternoon sun, looking more like golden from the hue of the setting sun. There was no sound but the frantic beating of my heart and the whooshing tempo of the tide reaching the shore. My eyes ran from her toes buried in the white sand, her legs intermittently showing from the dancing hem of her dress, her fingers painted in black rest motionless in either side of her hips, her ivory bosom were making its measured movements under her décolletage with the indented portion of her skin glistening as if it was smiling at me; the equally motionless glittering heart-shaped necklace resting silently in the middle of her peaks. Her shoulders were pulled back, her hair shimmering brown against the sunset contrasted with her cream skin. Her eyes exude her usual sensuality looking directly on me, big and thoughtful, her cheeks glowed pink and her lips, the lips that I often dreamed of kissing were in a curve, something that resembles a small smile.

The momentary freezing of my world under the heat of the sun was broken by the sound of her voice, "I'm sorry it took me so long to find your…retreat," she said, more of a whisper but it whiffed me just as loud as if she was murmuring softly in my ears.

"I missed you Edward."

All my breath escaped my lungs when I heard Bella muttered the words that seemed to have lit the fire inside of me. I found myself striding toward her and with just a couple of steps, I was already in front of her, carrying her on my arms, imprisoning into a very tight embrace I could almost feel her bones pressing every muscles I have as my hands struggled to balance us holding her on her hips. Her lips were already fervently locked with mine, her fingers clawed in my sticky hair. My hands gingerly ran on her bare back feeling the skin I have been missing to touch as our entwined body danced slowly on the muted music of our joyful reunion.

I know I am home.

It took us maybe half an hour before we could let go of each other from the same position, standing, our bodies bound on each other, kissing every inch of our lips, our hands running on top of our clothed bodies, fingers clawing in every thing it could grab on. I may be exaggerating but the moment we let go of each other, the sun had already hid itself, and the sky had already darkened.

She curled her hands on my arms, tugging me toward the shore. Our footprints stamped on the wet sand partially visible from the gray night. I couldn't help curl my lips into a smile, seeing two pairs of footprints beside each other. My heart ached not from sadness but from utter gratefulness from God who had sent Bella back to me. My thoughts wandered as Bella and I silently walked on the shore, the imperfect moon peeping behind puffs of clouds, the sound of our feet against the wet sand and the tide made me wonder, if I was actually seeing the message clearly, _does this mean I deserved Bella? Or am I just given another chance to spend some time with her?_

Of course I wouldn't find the answer from the millions of tiny stars twinkling above against the black sky. I wouldn't see it etched in the heavens for me to read, I have to discover it myself. But at the very moment, all I could feel was Bella's hand sliding from my arm down to my hand, entwining her soft fingers with mine.

Her hair smelled sweet as I planted numerous kisses on it, wrapping her with my arm on her shoulders, snaking my other hand in front of her to have a hold of her hand. "I love you Bella, I love you so much," I mumbled as my lips once again landed on the top of her head.

She stopped walking.

Bella spun and ran her fingers on my tangled hair, going down to my face, making it slide to the buttoned down opening of my shirt onto my bare chest, resting them there, just above my heart. She was smiling, her eyes twinkled even in the dark, "I don't know where this will lead us Edward, but I do know one thing…I am not ready to let go of you…just yet," she softly muttered looking on my lips.

I could feel my heart thumping right on her hand, as if she was actually holding my heart at the palm of her hand. "Thank you for coming back," I murmured and I could feel my words choking me, I know in my heart the very answer to my question of what to choose, it's standing right next to me, or rather 'she' was standing in front of me. "I don't want you to let go of me Bella," the words felt like acid melting my lips but it didn't hurt at all, it felt liberating finally able to figure out what was it that I wanted. But it quickly soured when she spoke, leaving me breathless, "Even if I let go of you, or you turn your back on me, I will always have you in my heart, no one can ever take you away from me."

"Bella, please don't—,"

My words were abruptly cut short when Bella darted her lips toward mine, and feeling her soft lips against mine once again, I felt as if I was drowned with the overwhelming emotions that was flooding me at the very moment. I knew what she meant; once again, it was about her not getting in the way of my vocation. I am utterly feeling anxious.

"Bella--," I gurgled inside her mouth.

Bella pulled slightly away from my lips, putting her index finger instead on top of it, her eyes were full of emotions, beseeching, telling me more than what her words can say, "I love you, let's not talk about it, right now, all I wanted is to be with you…"

There was a lump in my throat hampering me from further talking, I understood what she was trying to say, and even I had the same thoughts. I knew she is what I wanted, but turning my back on my vocation isn't as easy as connecting dots to make a picture, and right now, just like what she said, all I wanted is to be with her, to drown her with my love.

Bella's fingers snaked inside my open shirt toward my back while I have instantly trapped the nape of her neck on my hands, pulling her slowly and carefully back on my arms as I have plunged my lips once again on hers, tasting everything Bella, letting her presence paint the wholeness of me.

A moment later, I was sitting on the shore; the warm water of the sea was licking my toes up toward my calf, drenching my pants. But it didn't matter at all, because right now, once again my sanity was being tested with the feel of my manhood pressing crazily on Bella's center. She was sprawled sitting on top of me, her legs clasped tightly behind me.

Our tongues danced in tune with each others' body movements, our bodies swayed left and right accommodating the heat that was easing out from both of our burning souls. Her lips tasted so sweet, and her warm skin tasted even sweeter. I licked her neck, biting it as I ran my lips in every single skin, running down to the valley of her chest.

Despite the loud beats of my heart and the deafening sound of silence in the seashore, I could hear her heavy breaths coming out of her mouth like screams piercing my eardrums. My hands heated by her flushed skin slid on her dress pulling it down revealing her plumped breasts instantly. My head whirled feeling her jutted nipples poked my now bared chest.

"Bella,"

"Edward,"

There were no words spoken other than our names lost in the darkness of the night, drowned not by the silent lapping of the tide but by the whimpers and the sound of frequent gasping for air. We rolled on the sand, unmindful of the sticky grains of it scouring our skin. I ended up on top of her, my lips playing with her nipples with my hands massaging the peaks of her breasts. Bella was lost in the same ecstasy I was swimming into; her back was arched, making me have a good portion of her breasts sucked inside my mouth. Her hand was shoved inside my briefs, my pants already pulled down to my knees.

Easing back my lips toward hers, I murmured "I want to fuck you." I felt her tongue traced the shape of my lips, slowly, her hands running gingerly on my neck down to my shoulders and pulled my shirt off my body. I darted my tongue on her ears, nibbling on its lobes. "Let me fuck you." I whispered, my voice already groaning just from the thought of what I was asking of her.

Before I even nibble her other ear, my briefs were already down on my thighs, my erected penis poking and teasing the still clothed entrance of her core. "I am so fucking addicted on you Bella." My voice was as grainy as the sand, lost in my euphoria and excitement I hastily pulled down the very tiny undergarment she was wearing underneath the white soft dress she was decently wearing just an hour ago.

I rocked back and forth, in and out of her warm inside, feeling her walls closed tightly on my throbbing length. We made love slowly yet passionately there's not an inch of our whole humanity uncovered with the fervent love we shared. Our almost naked bodies danced together and not even the faintest light coming from the very near cottage house was able to stop us from sharing the overflowing need of each other.

My voice became louder and louder each stroke I made inside her, I could not contain my moans from coming out of my mouth. The tickle of her breath and her lips on my neck added pleasure to the already whirling eroticism this union gave. I swear I could hear my moans, shameful sacrilege and indecent words echoing on the vast emptiness of the beach.

And then I came, my body twitched spasmodically as I spurted everything I have had stored for the past ten days, all inside her, landing afterward quivering on top of her breasts.

Bella's fingers ran on my hair, softly, her fingertips reaching on my scalp. I could feel bits of sand rolling on my scalp as she fingered them away from it. "You are…an unhealthy medicine," she mumbled. Hearing her trembling voice, I rose from on top of her to sit beside her, helping her to sit afterward. She reached for her clothes down on her belly, pulling it up to cover herself. My fingers eased her already tangled hair, tucking them behind her ears.

Her eyes were trained on my face as I marveled on how beautiful my girlfriend is. Her fluttering eyes seemed to be dispelling a thought which I later proved, having seen her do her mouth thing. I wanted so much to ask her what she was thinking, but I got a sudden urge to bite my tongue instead, afraid that I wouldn't like what she was going to say.

I know Bella, she might not notice but I know her. She loves me, more than her words can say. But accompanying her love was her utter fear of pulling me away from my vocation. She does not want me to turn my back on the seminary. My mouth mumbled a silent prayer, unprompted, something with no concrete words but nonetheless say a lot of what I was wishing for God to let happen, that He show Bella we belong together—and, give me the strength to prove her I am what she wanted.

"You have a very beautiful place," she said, pulling her eyes way from me, wandering it on the void space around us. "It is. This is where I hide when I need some…peace and quiet. But this, everything around us was nothing compared to you. Nothing is more beautiful than you. This place I once called paradise became heaven, now that you're here with me." I said with a voice so low seemingly coming from deep inside of me, my eyes tried to penetrate what lies behind those big brown eyes as I put my reddened hand on her creamy cheek, my fingers running on her hair.

"Edward,"

My thumb instantaneously dropped to her lips, forbidding her to speak more, but she was good in keeping me pre-occupied. She nibbled my thumb, sucking it momentarily and then playing it with her tongue. And as soon as she probably heard me let out a deep sigh with my eyes fixed on what she was doing, she held my hand, caving it inside both her hands.

"I wish this will never end."

"It won't Bella, I promise."

I promised something I couldn't be sure of. Of course that is what I wanted, for this thing to never end. This is definitely heaven for me, not paradise, paradise is nothing compared to heaven. I am home and this is my happy place, only with Bella in it. But who am I to know what lies ahead. All I could do is to exert every effort I could for my promise not to be broken. I won't let this end.

We stayed a few more minutes in the shore or maybe it was an hour. I carried her in the water to wash the sand off of our body. Like children, we played under the light of the moon, swimming, pulling, tugging each other under water to kiss. She often end up straddled to me, her white dress flowing beside her like an enormous jelly fish bobbing in the surface of the water. She begged to get back the tiny little underwear she was wearing a while ago, but I wouldn't give it back. Our laughter echoed in the silent of the night, our wet faces blurred in the reflection of the moon in the water, a vibrant blue, sparkling like crystals and diamonds. We might have stayed longer in the water but it felt like a blur and I suddenly found myself hopelessly wishing for time to slow down its pace. I need more time, I don't want to get to the finish line, again. No.

After we ate dinner, all wet and sticky, we took a bath together. We were silent with only a couple or so of giggles coming from our lips as we mastered with our hands every skin we have.

I carried her from the tub back to my bed, the bed a few days ago felt so empty but now felt like overflowing with flowers and fluffy pillows. This is the first time I ever saw Bella all naked and vulnerable more than ever, on top of my bed, fluorescent lights glaring overhead. I could almost see every little freckle she has on her torso. My eyes grazed and admired starting from her pretty face, down to her neck, her heart showing its throb on the pulsating vein on her neck, I could almost hear it. I ran my index finger on the hollow of her neck down to the valley between her peaks. The burned color of my hand and arm contrasted with her ivory skin. I felt her body stiffened, her head thrashed back a little as I slowly skimmed down to her belly, adoring every part of her skin. When my hand landed on her belly button, I knelt down sandwiching her thighs between my legs, I lowered my head on her neck pecking tiny little kisses in there until I felt her hands scoured on my back, her breath faltering on my ear.

"Have I told you—how much I adore you? Every inch of you, from head to toe…" I grumbled my lips landing on the tip of her nose, and then down to her chin. I stayed for a few more seconds on her neck and then behind her ears, whispering, "I want…to…taste you, inside," with a broken trembling voice. I proceeded to have a complete attack on both her breasts. Her legs wrapped behind my back, as she writhed in pleasure arching her body nearer me. My tongue grazed down her belly circling on her belly button until it landed right in the opening between her legs.

Bella's fingers clasped on my hair, tugging it up, her legs were both resting on my shoulders, her feet pushing me away. I have never seen a woman's private part before, I have never even attempted to touch one. In all the years I have ever been sensual with my past girlfriends, I have never been in any situation I have been with Bella. _What the hell should I do now?_

For a moment, I was stunned with myself getting the urge and the guts to go down at Bella, on her most private part. I was in a way ashamed of what I was trying to do, but heck I would be lying if I deny that this very moment, my mouth is already salivating, and my penis was already twitching in agony.

With the help of the boasting fluorescent lights, I guided my thumb on top of her womanhood; my lip was already aching from furious biting of my teeth as I oriented the pad of my fingers on top of her fruits. Bella was already twitching, I haven't even done anything. It was already wet; I could see moisture had already escaped her opening, making me as awful as it sound drool like a rabid dog.

It could have been a male carnal instinct, but the moment I saw Bella pulled up her groin, I darted my head down on her opening after a hurried run of my thumb from the top down to the slick slit of her doors. I have no idea if I was doing it right, but judging with the curses, the loud moans and the inhuman pulling of hair strands I could tell Bella was enjoying what I was doing her. And I was feeling utterly happy, elated, proud and grateful that she let me taste her, not just her lips, not just her skin, but everything inside her.

She was groaning and moaning, my name sounded even more appealing and sweet, echoing in the four corners of my room. I could not make out of the other sound she made because I was drowned in the enormous swell of lustful longing, lascivious and utterly indecent that I later found my tongue inserted inside of her, doing what I previously thought only my penis can do.

And then she screamed my name something that sounded between my God and my Edward, pulling herself away from me but not before I tasted something gushing out of her heaven. She quivered, hugging her knees in the edge of the now partially uncovered bed. She didn't want me to touch her, flinching even from just a tiny touch from me. Streaks of water-like substance stained the creamy skin of her thighs, coming from what appears to be her red swollen womanhood.

A smile stealthily yet proudly crawled in my face, I have let my girl friend came with just my tongue. I lay down behind her, waiting for her to compose herself which did not last very long. And then she turned around, her hands were hiding her face, and as I have expected she was feeling embarrassed. I scooted nearer her, tucking her naked body between my own naked body before I pulled the blanket to hide us from the cold blows of the air conditioner. I knew I have a smug smile, well I am proud of myself, but Bella couldn't bring herself to look straightly on my face.

"I adore you, everything about you." I mumbled echoing what I have previously said. She looked at me, finally, one of her hand still hiding her curled lips. I knew she was happy, I knew she was smiling too, I could see it in the twinkle of her eyes. "I love you Bella, and as long as the stars shine, it will never be erased in my heart." Pulling her hand away from her face, I whispered, looking intently on her deep brown eyes.

Her embarrassed face was replaced with a non-trifling expression, the glint in her eyes a moment ago coming from the shameless pronunciation of her euphoria was now drowned with a shimmer coming from something else, something that looked like an obstructed weeping. She ran her thumb on my jaws circling it on the stubble that had covered it completely; her index finger slowly glided on my lips, tracing its corners, her eyes following every movement she made. When her fingers arrived in my eyelids, I closed my eyes, feeling the pad of her fingers played with my lashes, for a very long time. When I opened my eyes, her fingers were already playing with my hairline tracing the shape of my face from the roots of my hair. Her eyes were red, beads of tears flowing down to the other side of her face; her lips were curled in such a manner that silently screamed she was unhappy. Her shoulders trembled from keeping the sound of her agony from coming out.

I felt hurriedly immersed on what she was feeling, I need not ask about it, because I could read it in her eyes, I could see it painted within the corners of her pretty face, and then she spoke with a choking voice, proving me right. "Why is it so hard to let go of you Edward? I can't…I don't want to see you go, but I have to…"

My jaws gnawed, feeling like the heavens once again weighted on my chest, I yanked her hand away from my face, trapping it inside my hand, pulling it on my lips to plant kisses on it. Using my other hand I dried up her tears, hushing her, wiping every straying tears right from her fluttering eyes, "Shhh…I won't let you get rid of me."

With the silent weeping inside my heart, I gritted softly, "Sleep, I will be here beside you when you awoke."

She closed her eyes, her face falling on a solemn aura, but before leaving me in total abandon for the pull of sleep, she managed to whisper, almost inaudibly, "Edward…I love you. My life is nothing without you in it."

My tears finally rushed in my cheeks, I needed to bite my lips so as not to let a single whimper come out of it. I don't want Bella to see how weak I am, because as much as I know I am brave enough to tell her she is what I wanted, I am in so many ways weak and hearing her straightforwardly tell me what she wanted, I know I won't be able to say no.

_God, don't let her ask me do something I really don't want to do._

* * *

A/N

Weee, orgasms and tears, classic. Inexperienced Edward is actually fun, instinct, we are ruled by instincts. Carnal calls are so hard to refuse, not with Edward pushing the button.

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* * *

NOTA BENE**

For disclaimer and author's basic note, please see PREFACE in the first page. Thank you.


	27. Chapter 26 The Closest Thing to Heaven

**CHAPTER 26 – THE CLOSEST THING TO HEAVEN**

**BELLA**

Edward was behind me, his whole naked body pressed on my back as I was lying in his arms. He was running his palm on my back heavily as he rubbed it from the base of my neck down to my tail end. We just emerged from another passionate lovemaking, slow yet full of love and affection. My thoughts were running hyper; Edward's soothing massage wasn't able to soothe me.

I remember that day I decided to finally joined him in his family's beach house. It took me forever to find my footing on the sun baked sand, not because of its temperature, but because for the millionth time, I know I was just making everything worse. I was crazy; I am crazy, just like Alice told me. She had convinced me to stay in our apartment for quite a long time, to be able to think what I really wanted. She told me what Jasper told her, that Edward loves me—so much, and it's only up to me if I wanted to help him realize his real calling. She's right, if what I wanted for Edward is to clearly hear the call of the church, well then I shouldn't be around, because obviously, my presence made a major revamp on how Edward sees his life in the moment.

But why did I come anyway, despite Alice's fervent disapproval? Because I wasn't ready to let go…yet. Alice knew what I wanted for Edward to be, and she understood that it was killing me that I couldn't make myself drag Edward away from the seminary, despite my crazy longing for him to be mine. So I came, just to have one more taste of heaven.

I know this will make things a lot complicated for us, especially for Edward. Call me selfish, call me crazy and every name one could ever think of, but I was just, for once following what my heart was dictating me to do, even if it violates to the highest level the morals I was brought up into.

Just for a moment, let me enjoy the slice of heaven.

That afternoon in the beach, my heart was heavy of happiness and complete anxiety of seeing him again, it was contradicting, but I wasn't surprised of what I decided to follow, not at all surprised. I saw it in Edward's eyes, the moment he jerked up and spun around, that I hold the key to his happiness. I am unfair, coming to his life on such a delicate phase of it, and now coming back on an even more make or break phase. But something inside of me could not make up even my own mind. I wanted him to be a priest, not just because of my morals, not just because I was afraid for my soul but because that was where he was headed when I came and stumbled on his feet.

I felt every inch of me is aching for him. The flaming kiss we shared as he held me in his arms made my head thumped and shouted in total abandon, that I wanted him…I fucking wanted him. I was lost, detached from myself the moment I surrendered my whole life with Edward. We made love under the darkness of the sky, we earnestly kissed veiled with the glow of the blue moon against the calm warm water of the ocean, and we shared our love, our longing and our desire in a slow yet amorous and burning lovemaking all night.

That same night, before I closed my eyes after a tottering orgasm right from the tip of his tongue, I made an impetuous exclamation of my feelings. I needed Edward to live.

My life has started, or re-started probably. And I spent a month and half of summer living with the one person I would love to spent my whole life with. This is probably how Alice was feeling, spending her life with Jasper…and Rosalie with Emmett. I sighed, suddenly feeling a pinch remembering Rosalie. She must be feeling just a little more like me, unsure where Emmett will take her on his indefinite leave of absence from the seminary.

Edward and I never talked about his vocation again, or even if we did one of us almost always drag the conversation away from the thought. We spent the whole summer having fun, discovering everything about each other. We would sleep in the shore at night, under a tiny camping tent. There were times we'll fall asleep with just a mat under our backs, all drunk and naked with the fire we build all completely spent up. Sometimes we'd spent the afternoon lazily cuddling up in a hammock tied between two trees in the shore, reading a book or talking non-sense. He brought me diving, we went rock climbing, we've gone hiking and made love under the first summer's rain and pretty much everything we could do to spend time together.

We were both so caught up with each others' presence; living like two souls bound for each other. At night, when we sleep in his bed, we would spend such a long time staring at each other, running our fingers on each others' face, tracing, memorizing every lines. We've begun yet another chapter in our life, in our love story. I never know where it will end, or when it will end, all I know was, I was having the time of my life, and I never want it to end.

Edward's thumb pressed on the lower part of my backbone, making me twitched my back from being tickled. His mouth landed on my nape, blowing warm air on it as his tongue snaked and fished the beads of my necklace onto his mouth.

"I love you." He mumbled, muffled from having to play with the necklace inside his mouth.

I pulled his thigh closer to me, pushing my body further and closer to his. He urged me to turn about, so I did and tucked myself inside his warm embrace, both his legs twined on my back, like he was the one I was carrying. My face was a breath away from his; under the white light of the fluorescent I could see every strand of the hair that has begun to grow again on his jaw. His lips were painted red and it was being licked again with his taunting inviting tongue.

I love this man, every piece every single inch of his body. He was like water that quenches my thirst, the blood that run in my veins. I would die if he turns his back on me.

"What are you thinking? You've been silent for quite long now." Edward asked, running two of his fingers on my lips.

I have no idea what came into me that suddenly I was feeling all overwhelmingly anxious. My tears fell off my eyes once again, making Edward scoot closer to me, his fingers instantly catching the tears that had fallen. "What's wrong?" He whispered croaking, almost silently.

A huge lump in my throat was hindering me from talking, and my words came out staggered as I choked on them, "Please don't make this end,"

"I am not going to make this end Bella. I am yours," he said, as clear as running water and as hard as steel.

"Forever," he added, with the same blazing voice, making sure I heard and understood it, his fingers tugging my chin up, holding my gaze with his conversant smoldering ashen eyes.

My eyes leaked even more, there was this loud thumping in my heart, and it was piercing right inside and out my whole body. I have no idea what to call it, I even have no fucking idea what emotions I was feeling right now.

Edward ran his fingers on my back once more, trying to soothe me with his touch, "I will never leave you. I will always be here, no matter what happen." He muttered as he pulled me closer to his body, my suddenly cold naked body reunited with his feverish skin.

Tucking my face under his pulsing neck, I caught sight of the bunch of orange roses lying on top of the rustic varnished table near the foot of the creaky colonial rustic bed we were lying at.

* * *

This morning, back in the beach house, Edward woke me up with a soft kiss saying, "I want to take you in a place where flowers lined up for you to pick." I thought he was just quoting something from somewhere to make it sound more interesting than staying in bed the whole day with him, but apparently there was a place so close to heaven where river flows unhindered between two hills, and flowers…they literally lined up, ready for me to pick.

He brought me to his family's hacienda, in the other side of town. It was a huge land, a vast flatness with only one huge house standing with clustered roof. A huge arch with wrought iron slithered with letters forming a CULLEN greeted us, an old Spanish looking attendant dressed in farm clothes opened the huge black gate, bowing his head to greet us.

The air smelled fresh, sweet smell of flowers and trees hovered in the softly breezing wind. The ground was covered with small thick flowers lined in the side ushering us to an old bricked house, with a verandah curled with maroon painted wrought iron as railings.

This is Edward's family's Hacienda. Faces of everyone lit up as we entered the house, all of them smiling, courteously bowing their heads to greet us. I felt astoundingly uneasy seeing most of them all in their mid-lives looking at me, I mean, they must have known Edward since he was little, and I felt so shy that he was bringing me home with him, to the only family he left.

Edward introduced me to everyone, and I was right, they have known him since he was little. He fucking knows all their names, and there were like ten sets of eyes looking directly on us. He must have sensed my anxiety because he wrapped me in his arms so tight, I could feel my face burning from utter embarrassment, until he whispered in my ears, "Relax sweetheart, they know nothing about me."

One of the women, who has gray hair and unstable teeth quickly marched toward me, pulling me by the hand toward the long brown thick table. "Come Senorita," she said, her vein-webbed hand tugging me carefully. Edward has his huge sexy grin pasted on his face as he let go of me, talking to the other man who I heard called him Senorito.

I was profoundly awed as the women began to flock on the huge table, preparing food, and some were just sitting with me and the elder woman, listening to what she as blabbering.

"My name is Maria. I took care of Edward when he was little. His grandparents used to bring him here to spend summer." She said, her watery eyes behind those crinkled olden skin flashed with excitement. "I have never seen that boy for a long time!" Maria exclaimed throwing a glance on Edward who has his back on us casually talking to the other old man as he scratched his back. I couldn't help smile seeing the silver back of his watch glimmered from the light bouncing on it. "That is my husband. He was Edward's grandfather's favorite caretaker, which is why his parents allowed us to stay in the Hacienda to look after it when Senor Cullen died."

I know my face was blindingly beaming. I was excited to hear these stuff coming from people who knew Edward way back when he was small. As Maria stood up to instruct the other ladies getting the plates from the hands of one of them, she started talking again, pointing me to every corner of the house.

The house was definitely old, Spanish Mediterranean style. Everything looked rustic and brown. The whole house was covered in cream and brown hue. The wooden floor was polished, couches were decorated with throw pillows with intricate embellishments, the benches were shiny brown too, like no one has ever seated in them for years.

"This is the very first time Senorito Edward brought a lady here," said Maria making me turn my head back to where she was standing. I didn't know if her words should make me wince in flattery or from embarrassment. Thankfully, Edward came and sat beside me, just in time to see me lower my head from losing my tongue to say more words.

He kissed me in my lips, twisting my body to face him, like no one else was there in the room. I was drowning from his stare, I knew that look, he wanted me to let go of my apprehensions, his eyebrow quirking, like a silent threat, or a plea or a command, I have no idea. He mouthed a silent "I love you," when Maria's feet shuffled back toward the dining table, bringing a plate full of Paella.

My earlier anxiety seemed to have dissipated seeing the plateful of shrimps on top of steaming yellow colored rice. I never even thought I was that hungry until Edward clasped my thigh looking unbelievably astonished on my empty plate. "What? I like Paella," was all I could say so he'll let go of me.

We rode a bike afterward, with me sitting behind him as he maneuvered the old looking contraption on a treacherous stony path from behind the huge Cullen brick house. I thought he was bringing me to his backyard, seeing from a distance a huge yard with tall and olden trees lined up like walls, but as we went further and then behind the trees, I thought I ran off of breath in my lungs.

It was like a dream. I almost jumped down from behind the bicycle, not minding a series of curses that came out of Edward's mouth, reprimanding me for unsafely jumping off of it. My eyes were totally captured by a huge ocean of different colors lined up, grouped together according to its colors.

Flowers, lots and lots of fucking flowers!

They stood proud and blossomed under the soft afternoon sun, swaying graciously from the soothing breeze of summer wind. It was as far as my eyes could see, the end meeting with the sky with a lone tree standing in the end, like touching the sky, kissing it with its branches.

I heard Edward followed me, chuckling as I made my way in the path, absentmindedly twisting my head left and right back and forth to see all the flowers I was passing by. My palms grazed on top of the perfectly blossomed purple tulips. I have never seen purple tulips before, heck I have never seen a land as vibrant as this! In the other side, where my hand could reach were equally stunning blue tulips. I know I have this stupid stunned smile in my face, I could actually feel my whole face stretching. I was so excited.

"Your roses are there," Edward muttered behind me. I spun around, automatically wrapping my hands on his neck. He in turn grabbed me by my hips pulling me closer to him as his other hand raked on my nape inside my hair. I drowned myself on the feel of his sweet lips caving mine, his head tilting left and right to deepen our union, until he let go of me, planting me wet kisses from time to time.

Our forehead glued on each other, his hands were on both sides of my head, our eyes locked on each others', my other foot was hanging up as I savor every tiny kiss he gave me. What a wonderful way to kiss my prince, in the middle of a flower bed under the sinking sky.

"I love you," I murmured, gurgling on his lips.

"I love you too," he muttered back, pulling me so closed to his body that I could feel his manhood under his clothes poked my torso. It was alive, huge and awake. His eyes twinkled, probably realizing that his penis was already awake and then kissed me on my forehead, easing his mouth toward my neck, "I want to fuck you around all these flowers."

His words accompanied with a fervent longing obvious in his deep gurgling voice sent me shivers. I felt my nipples instantaneously stiffened under the flapping sundress I was wearing. He pulled me away from him to have a look at my face, probably feeling my nipples poking on his shirt. And I had to smile, his face was painted in arousal and utter horniness.

I ran, on the blackened pathway of dirt toward the end of the flowers that seemed to be so far. Our laughter rose up the vast plains, I ran as long as I could, my hands stretched in my side feeling the liberating power of the wind and the open field. I felt so free; I almost believed I was flying. I felt that for the first time I was in a place where no one else could see me and Edward, no one else would judge what we do, what we share.

Catching my breath I stopped and turned slowly, my eyes closed as I continue to spin around with my hands stretched on my side. I felt Edward carried me, pulling me up, helping me spin around. His sweaty skin glided the skin of the back of my thighs. Our laughter once again erupted like squeals of children playing alone in the prairie. Edward screamed, "I love you Bella!!!" And when I opened my eyes to have a look on him, his eyes were shut, his head bent back, the rays of the sun shining on his sweat riddled face…and his lips were in a smile, a smile from a different emotion, something I rarely see him wear.

He smiled at me, squinting from the glint of the sun, my hands were cupping his cheeks, thumbing the beads of sweat covering his skin. "I love you too Edward," I murmured, my voice almost stolen by the wind. He put me down, only to scoop me up again and began walking. I was giggling as I clawed my fingers on his arm, feeling every flex his muscles did as he continued walking.

The glare of the sun disappeared making me momentarily blinded, and when I opened my eyes, I was greeted with a shade covering me away from the rays of the sun. Edward lowered me on the ground; we were under the shade of the tree, the only tree standing in the middle of the flowers. It wasn't actually in the middle, it was what I saw a while ago as the end of the plains, like the one in the horizon kissing the sky.

I sat pulling my legs near my chest, Edward stretched for a second and then joined me, sitting closer opposite me, copying my position. I saw the river he said back in the beach, it was flowing soundless down what looked like a gorge.

"Heaven--," Edward said with a raspy voice, forcing me to pull my eyesight away from the river and back to him. His eyes were trained on mine, fluttering, holding my gaze. One of his fingers found its way to the skin of my forearm, drawing circles on it, climbing up until it was all covered with goose bumps, muttering along the way "and you're my angel".

I didn't think twice, I jerked and immediately landed on top of him, making him fall on the shrubs around us. He laughed inside my mouth, giggling as I teased him with my tongue circling inside his mouth. His manhood was throbbing, pressing wildly on my already wet center, only my thong covering it.

"Fuck me." I mumbled on his lips, no sound coming out.

He hastily spun me around, covering my back for a moment until he had pulled the shrub off of the ground. His face has no trace of any emotion but longing. His eyes ran back and forth my body and my eyes as he pulled up my skirt exposing my breasts and then forcefully pulling down my panty, leaving it hanging on one of my thigh. There was no need for any teasing or foreplay, as soon as he had freed his manhood off from his briefs, he shoved it with force inside my slick opening.

My screams of arousal and desire united with the sweet scent of the flowers and the fresh smell of the river were stirred together by the silent whooshing of the wind. Edward was hungrily playing with my breasts, biting them, sucking each nipple with fervent and salacious urgency. His long and huge erection was filling every inch of my core, its skin rubbing and scouring the walls of my inside.

I heard Edward chanted an immeasurable amount of the word 'fuck', his teeth biting every skin in my neck as both his hands hardly gripped my wrists forcefully propped up on top near my head.

And then the saints came.

The all too familiar sound of Edward's deep gurgling voice muttering the names of the saints in heaven came out a little different this time. He was shouting them, screaming each name like a crazy person as he hurriedly jabbed and plowed lost in his orgasm, until he had spilled everything, falling limply on top of my breasts.

He didn't move for quite a while, running his finger on my skin until he heard me gasped. White fluffy things were flying in the air, like dust motes, only bigger. I thought they were just my imagination a while ago, being lost in my own orgasm I thought I was feeling dizzy. But as I calmed down, I realized they were real, hovering on top of us, being blown by the wind like hundreds of tiny balls of cotton.

"Dandelions," Edward answered my silent question, lying now beside me, putting his hand under my neck after he had pulled down my dress to cover my body. It was just then that I realized that we were actually lying down on a shroud of Dandelions, flattened by our impassioned fornication.

"This is heaven," I whispered as I felt Edward's warm breath tickled my neck as he murmured yet another pronunciation of his feelings. My eyes were jumping from one Dandelion ball to another, following each movement as it fought with the tug of the invisible wind.

It was already dark when we came back to the house. Maria and his husband had prepared yet another sumptuous meal in the side of the house, under the canopy of tall trees. Lamps lit by candles hung on posts surrounding a long table with just two sets of dinnerware on top. Edward was standing behind me as I have already sat myself ready to eat again. He was rubbing my nape with the heels of his palm while he talked to Maria's husband about something I couldn't understand, being lost on the pull of the food steaming in front of us.

"Fabada." Maria muttered making me jerked my eyes to her. I am actually salivating already, maybe from the enticing smell of the yellowish soupy thing or from plain hunger.

"Hey, why don't you join us?" I asked, tilting my head to Edward to silently ask for his approval. He conceded, asking Maria and her husband and the others who comically hid behind the wall to join us.

We ended up eating as a large group, nine souls eating noisily in the long table. Everyone was excitedly talking to Edward like they have really missed him. Most of the women threw me a look that suggested envy every time Edward would pick or drop something on my plate and the rather frequent pecking on my cheeks.

His left hand casually ran up and down my thighs taking cover from the fluttering eyes of the people around us. My rather unclothed womanhood was once again pulsating, arrested by the sensuous massage he might inadvertently giving me. My hand kept on pulling my hair back in front of my body not just to hide my jutted nipples but most importantly to hide the scratches and bites that were readily visible on my pale skin.

There was one particular lady who never ceased looking at me, her eyes probing the whole of my unclothed skin making me feel more uncomfortable and utterly conscious that she must be ogling my hickies. But Edward on the other hand seemed to never mind the soul piercing eyes of that girl, unceremoniously kissing me any chance he'd get.

Our family dinner ended up in a drinking session, Maria's husband serving us some bottles of finely aged wine. I enjoyed the company of Edward's estate caretakers, we danced merrily as he strummed on a dilapidated guitar a Spanish song where the old ladies with their partners danced comically. All but one, the lady with dark curly hair who in spite of her welcoming smile and modest way of speaking still freaked me out with all the staring she was doing at me at Edward.

I braved to speak with her, I am brave and I couldn't let her rather obvious staring on me and Edward just pass by without understanding where she was coming from. Well, her name is Vera, I asked her, amidst the chaotic dancing on the patio with the dust already spiraling in the air, I've pulled her aside casually starting a conversation.

I've learned that she was as old as Edward and was once his childhood girlfriend. I don't know how we gotten too deep in our conversation but the next thing I know, we were already sitting like chicken in the gutter at the edge of a flower box parallel to the dancing couples who by that time had already settled on a laughing fit. I didn't look to find Edward because I know he was staring at me at that very moment, I do not want to hurry my conversation with someone as interesting as his ex-girlfriend sort of if Edward would have to call my attention toward him. Vera spent every summer with Edward in the Hacienda being the only child of Maria. Their 'stupid childhood relationship' as she calls it happened when they were 6 years old. And though she knew it never been serious with Edward, she had been waiting for him to come back every summer since then. They grew up but Edward never seemed to realize that a peck on a cheek had been etched on her heart. And now seeing him again after so many years, Vera said she couldn't believe she had been fooled with that single kiss thinking that Edward's sultry gazes on her meant something other than plain stare. She said Edward looked at me like he had never looked at anything or anyone at all. Vera even asked if our relationship had just started because she said she has never seen any guy looked at a girl like Edward does to me. I thought at first she was jealous but hearing her blubber about the guys she met in Vermont it was apparent she wanted to meet someone who'd treat her as Edward treats me. She was envious of me.

She knew a lot about Edward like the fact that Edward likes brown and the beach and how much his grandfather loves him. She was telling a story about Edward crying one summer when he thought his grandfather was not coming on their excursion in the falls hidden somewhere in the mountain when our giggles were suddenly drowned by a loud strumming of guitar.

Edward in front of the already drunk husband of Maria was playing a song that was unfamiliar to my ears. He sang the whole song, his voice unfaltering, his eyes holding my gaze only letting go to close it savoring the words he was singing. He was serenading me with a song so sweet yet the words pierced my heart like fucking tiny needles. There was something about the song that pulled my tears and before I could catch myself, I was already crying. The song didn't make me feel happy, surprisingly as compared to the many other love songs that I heard Edward sung me, this one has a different effect on me, like a fucking drug side effect.

Edward immediately took me by my hand pulling me close to him the moment he finished his song, asking me why I was crying with a whisper that snaked on my neck. Of course I couldn't tell him that I didn't like his song, because I know Edward, he never sing me a song or a lyric that he knew I wouldn't like, he knows I was particular with lyrics, and that is the main reason why this time I didn't like his song, because the entire song talks about him turning his back to everything because he had found me.

I faked I was not feeling well, cursing the effect of the olden wine and after a few moments of farewell with the others I made my way up the well stuffed Spanish house to take a bath. I thought the warm water in the shower would calm me from the silent hysterics I was having inside of me. My tears joined the warm water of the shower trying to wash the enormous swell burning inside.

Wearing only a tank top and my underwear, I waited for Edward in the balcony. The huge round moon was the only thing visible in the night sky, the twinkle of the distant stars fainted from the glare of the moon unhindered by any sign of clouds. It looked bigger and nearer, like if I tip toed I could already reach it. My breaths were still faltering; my chest still has the throbbing feeling left by the memory of Edward's face singing soulfully the song that probably for the moment speaks what he feels. Edward surprised me a few moments later, startling me from being lost in my straying thoughts. He was holding a bunch of orange roses in his right hand running it in my exposed nape.

The orange roses sent us to where we are right now, lying naked next to each other after another sensual lovemaking, stealing a piece of time. It happened slowly, like the usual way we make love, full of passion and adoration. We tugged each other on top of the wooden bed frame, changing position every so often that we later found ourselves in the edge of the bed, half falling, my head hanging in the edge.

The bed creaked loudly, every thrust of Edward filling me in with his throbbing erection made the bed cry. Edward's loud moans of my name were sending me disconcertion, afraid the other occupants of the house could hear us. But like in the dining table, he seemed to not mind it at all. I myself was so lost with my orgasms, Edward was a total animal in bed, might be most of the time gentle but his sure thrusts felt like he wanted to ram and totally wreck my uterus.

That making love might be as we used to do it, but it was different this time, because I was for the first time lost between my orgasm and profound unexplainable emotions of my heart. I was crying, fucking crying my heart out. Edward wanted to stop, his face washed with the beads of desire was briefly tainted with worry hearing me alternate weeping and moaning.

Probably that was the reason why after he had his orgasm, he carried me and laid me down properly in bed, pulling the blanket to cover our nakedness, and later massaging me. He knew his touch soothes me, and he probably know that something other than being drunk bothers me. But Edward rarely asks, he almost always waits for me to share what was occupying my thoughts, not unless he got so worried.

"What's gotten into you? A moment ago you were so happy dancing with my friends and then suddenly--," he mumbled trailing his words when I ran my fingers on his lips.

"I hope Vera didn't tell you anything bad about me," he added chuckling, I caught his eyes fluttering as he gazed on my lips, watching for any sign of revolt. I managed to smile, faintly sending a teasing message across.

Snorting, I mumbled rolling my eyes, "Oh yes she did, something you forgot to tell me."

His mouth gaped, pulling slightly away from me, "I can't believe she told you that!"

"Why the fuck not?"

I must have sound so intimidated because he cupped my face in both his hands, making sure I was looking straightly in his eyes. "One, because that happened a very long time ago, and I didn't think it mattered to you, because it never mattered to me; two, because its indecent to speak to someone about a past with that's someone's boyfriend and three because as I've said it was nothing for me, she's the only one holding on to it."

"Oh you dog!" I exclaimed gawking at him. Edward made a choking sound and then pulled my head closer to him, trapping my nape with his long fingers as he ruffled my hair. "She held you to that silly kiss, you knew it and yet you said nothing about it?"

"Sweetheart, what do you want me to say to her? I couldn't say anything because I would either give her hope about something I couldn't give or hurt her more by turning my back on her. I thought I was being a gentleman…"

"So you chose to shut up instead. You could have at least showed her you're not interested, so she could have not held on, it looked to her you were interested."

"Bella, haven't I told you many times, I am not interested with anyone, I have never thought of women as part of my life, and that they will ever be the center of my life." He spoke seriously this time, his breathing slow, his jaws clenching from time to time.

"But st--,"

"Oh for heaven's sake Bella--," Edward exclaimed clasping my head tighter, his eyes blazed from something that looked like amusement, "One, you are my life now and two, you own me—you de-virginized me, and may I just add…no one can fuck me like you do."

_Ah yes, the numbered thoughts again. _I quickly scooted and dragged myself on top of him, pulling away the blanket with me leaving nothing on top of the bed but our naked limbs, now with me entirely sprawled on top of him.

Edward's eyes was now in fire, feeling his manhood pressed wildly in my sex, his hands slowly jerked up to gingerly finger and graze on my breasts with his eyes following every stroke his fingers made. He made a sound that came out like my name only it seemed garbled and choked.

Lowering my head, he welcomed my soft kisses on his lips, snaking his hands on my hips. "Please don't let this end Edward." I muttered on top of his lips.

"I won't…" I heard him whispered so low and almost indistinctive but it's probably because I was already making my way down on his chest, trying to taste his sex scent, a mixture of his bath soap, his sweat's smell, old spice and sweet musk. God this body is made up of everything good.

Edward's abs flexed as I played on his belly button with my tongue, my hands palming the sexy v-shaped indention in his torso. He kept on sitting up, trying to grasp my head. Muffled words that I cannot understand now kept on escaping his lips.

"Oh you fucking angel…" Edward said so clear I almost jerked up but did not because I was already in the tip of his angry-veined penis working it down inside my mouth.

"I'm yours…everything about me is yours…I'm yours…" He chanted over and over, muffled and interchanged from time to time from his euphoria. Edward's hands were crazily pulling the bed sheets, the muscles on his thighs were all awake trapping me between them, he was arching his groin toward me as I alternated massaging his erection with my hands and swirling my tongue on its tip as I shoved it as far as it could go inside my mouth.

The night was peaceful; outside the well decorated Spanish room we're at, everyone is asleep there was no other sound but the dull crickets from the trees and a distant howling of a night owl. Inside the room, the air conditioner was working double time to compete with the humidity our heated body caused, it was humming silently and there was no other sound but our heavy breaths and occasional whimpers. And then—

"Holy…mother…of…Christ!!!" Exclaimed Edward, the loud and high-pitched sound gritted between his clenched jaws.

_Now that was fucking new._

* * *

A/N

Sex platter anyone? Okay...my story is about to end, and I needed so much of your attention. I wanted to finish the story, but by finishing I meant crossing over some routes that some of you, one I know in particular wouldn't like. But that is how I roll, and that was actually what the story is all about. So unless you wanted to know where this road ends, I suggest you stop right here.

Happy endings have different meanings to different readers. I am happy to announce that this story has a happy ending, what happy ending--that I couldn't tell yet.

So if you decided this is your 'the end' of the story, would you be so kind to review? I do appreciate you staying with me all these chapters, and I really hope you liked it

**

* * *

NOTA BENE**

For disclaimer and author's basic note, please see PREFACE in the first page. Thank you.


	28. Chapter 27 The Joker Has arrived

**CHAPTER 27 – THE JOKER HAS ARRIVED**

**EDWARD**

Waking up with Bella next to me was the best thing I ever had. It was like waking up in heaven with an angel right next to you, or better yet sleeping on angel's wings. She was still sleeping, just like how I left her when my eyes finally gave up last night, or was it early this morning? I felt a little stiff from my body still in a fetal position sandwiching hers, like we never moved at all.

I had a blast last night, figuratively and literally. I would never want the day to end; I actually never want to sleep but I have to, because I know when the new day rises, it would be…the day.

Bella must have sensed I was watching her sleep, a moment later, she fluttered her eyes before she finally opened them, landing instantly on my face. The excitement I was feeling a moment ago was instantaneously replaced with anxiety when I finally had the chance to stare on her open eyes; it looked like it wasn't open at all. Her usual cheerful round eyes was all puffy and red and the dark circles I didn't even realized were there under her eyes were like accentuating the eye bags that now hangs underneath her sultry stare.

She greeted me with a faint smile, defending herself from my soundless question. I saw her clenched her jaws when I ran my fingers under her eyes and I know I couldn't keep myself from asking, "Have you been crying all night?"

Her sharp intake of air was so audible in my sensitive ears that I soon found myself lying on my stomach, my face on top of hers trying to have a good look of her. "What's wrong?" I asked with a choking sound, I am panicking, I wouldn't want to ask that question because I never really want to know the answer. I don't want anything to be wrong with what we're having. This is perfect for me, and I never want this to end, I have been praying for it for such a long time…I never want this to end, how many times do I have to say it.

Bella just gave a faint smile which made me ran my hand on her neck worrying she might be sick or some sort, but she was fine, her body was warm but nothing odd about it. "What's wrong? Why were you crying?" I asked again, lowering my head now nearer her neck.

"Nothing," she whispered. That single word could have easily made me drop my anxiety, but it didn't, because it came ruffled, grainy and choked. I immediately jerked my head back to look at her, my heart now was pounding, especially when I saw her tears had begun to trickled down her soft cheeks and her lips stitched into something that was trying to hide and hinder an escape of a whimper.

"Bella…" I said and on my own ears, it sounded to me like I am already in the brink of crying, I was so worried. I have never seen Bella this tortured; her face was like twisted into something I have no idea of, "what's wrong?"

"Please don't make this end Edward…please don't make this fucking end…"

Bella was weeping, her shoulders trembled and was sobbing profusely. I pulled her up, cuddling her on my lap as I rested my back on the headboard of the olden huge bed. I could feel her naked body trembling on top of mine, the moisture escaping her eyes trickled down my bare shoulders. There was something inside my heart that felt so heavy, it's like my heart is bleeding hearing Bella wept in total abandon. I rocked my legs, bouncing her up and down, alternating my hands on her back rubbing her comforts, trying to in some way ease her of the anxiety she was feeling, anxiety that I have a pretty good idea what was it all about.

"Shh...shhh...Bella..." I whispered as silently as I could, trying so hard to comfort her with hushing and dull massage, my voice was drowned by her frantic sobbing, her warm breath snaking on my neck.

Putting both my hands on her face afterward, I made sure that her eyes were free from tears, catching every single drop that trickled down her pallid cheeks. I held on her gaze, still hushing her as hard as I could. "Listen to me…Bella…look at me," I urged her, my voice gurgling, whispering so close her face.

I painted an excited face, smiling sweetly on her to reassure her that everything will be fine, and then I muttered the words I have had stashed at the back of my mind last night as I patiently watched her sleeping with her eyelids fluttering and her lips twitching, lost in her dreams.

"I love you. Every part of me aches for you. My world made a complete turn around when you came into my life. I have never known I can do a lot of things with you around. When you came, you made me realize that there was something more made up for me, something different from the world I knew I was made for."

"Edward…"

My finger instantly arrived on top of her mumbling lips, halting her of whatever words she wanted to say, I need to finish my speech. I don't want to leave out anything.

"I will never turn my back on you, I will never leave you, not now, not ever. I have found the reason to stay alive and happy everyday, you. You are my life Bella, you are every breath I take. I am yours. No one else would have me, but you."

My heart raced, there was a knot-work inside my gut, but I managed to smile as I rummaged under my pillow. I felt when Bella went limp on top of my arms, her body felt cold and shivering, so much more than a few moments ago. Her eyes glimmered as she focused them, abashed and stunned on a piece of jewelry I was now holding between my fingers, in front of her face. "Will you marry me?"

My deep raspy voice seemed to have echoed in the four corners of the room. Silence, there was a very long silence as I stare on Bella's glassy eyes, staring on the diamond ring, its rainbow colors bouncing from the light. I have no words to describe her facial expression. It's like a wave of different expression was crashing on her gorgeous face.

"Marry me…be my wife. I will love you forever."

And then...she began chasing her breaths. She let her gaze jump on me and the jewelry, stunned or excited, I have no idea. "I…I think I'm gonna be sick," she murmured, putting her shaking hand on top of her mouth, and before I could say anything else, she jumped out of the bed and stormed right to the toilet.

Perplexed of her hurried pace, I was still able to smile. She must have been taken off-guard of my marriage proposal. I mean, she of all people knows that I won't do such a thing, not because I wouldn't want to, but because she had made it clear, there was an end to the road we were taking.

Bella had turned the faucet on, and all I could hear was a faint sound of gagging drowned by the gush of water. "I didn't say you marry me now! I could wait until you finish your school!" I yelled, trying to make my loud voice penetrate the half opened door of the toilet. She had a coughing fit, making me laugh silently. She must have been so nervous.

Pulling the white sheets up to my torso, I scooted back leaning my back on the headboard, tilting my head momentarily from a faint thud inside the toilet. I was already picturing Bella's face when she comes out of the toilet. I know and I already half expect her to say no to my face, but I wouldn't accept no for an answer. I know and I believe that she loves me just like how I love her. I could feel it, and no matter how violent her reaction would be this moment, I would say nothing, but repeat my plea for her to marry me. I am not backing out; I am not accepting a no for an answer. Not today, not now.

A sudden jolt made me snap off of my sidetracking, realizing that after the faint thud I heard a moment ago, there was nothing else but silence. My breath escaped and I sprung right at that moment out of the bed, thumping my feet in hurried steps toward the toilet.

"Holy fucking shit!!!" I couldn't help the words from coming out of my mouth, hurried and one hundred percent worrisome. My knees buckled, I tripped on the floor mat askew in the floor as I hurried to get to Bella's unconscious body lying motionless on the cold tiles.

My whole body trembled, Bella's face blurred as I frantically shook her. I couldn't hear my voice, I seemed to me I was screaming but I felt so deaf of the loud thumping of my heart. Bella's naked body lay motionless, her face hidden under her thrashed locks, with her body twisted awkwardly. I pulled her up, raking my hand on her pale face, looking for any sign of blood.

She gasped like she had just awoken from a sleep.

I was undeniably out of myself. A few minutes ago, I was just lying down with Bella peacefully in the bed we had shared ourselves with, and then now this. My fate is playing tricks on me. I felt Bella hands from my chest pushed me away, apparently she was trapped inside a very tight embrace. So I had my hands on her face, looking distressed on her, trying to read her eyes flooded with emotions that this moment I seem to not fathom.

"I'm alright," Bella reiterated for a hundredth time sounding a little bit annoyed as I almost dressed her by myself. I have been hurrying to bring her to the doctor, down in Vermont, but as usual, she was using her stubborn teenage tone with me reasoning she must have had a very bad hang-over from drinking last night and walking hurriedly to the toilet must have made her faint. But I am the adult here, and I am not taking any chances. Though it seemed that there was nothing wrong with her, nothing seemed to have broken and just a comical huge bump on her forehead was the evidence of her momentarily lapse in consciousness, something might have been hurt from inside her, and I wanted to make sure.

I will carry her to my car and strangle her if I needed to. "You are acting absurd. Nothing is wrong with me; I am as strong as a horse!" She rumbled sullenly. But I was already tugging her wrist out of the room, our bag in my other hand.

Vera was cleaning the balusters of the huge wooden staircase as we stormed passed down. Bella mumbled some words to her I didn't catch because I was busy worrying of what could have happened inside the toilet if I was not able to realize something went wrong. She grumbled again to me as I agitatedly shoved her inside the car, not minding to say anything to Maria and her husband despite the fact that they were looking at us. I didn't even say good bye.

Bella banged her feet on the dashboard to get my attention. Of course she had my attention, but at the very moment I was not in the mood to talk to her, because I know she would just be rambling about how strange I was acting. I mean, she had been rambling about it for the past 20 minutes, I don't want to fight with her, and my girlfriend could be so irritating at times.

I clenched my jaw realizing what I just called Bella, my girlfriend, not yet my fiancée. She hadn't accepted my proposal, the ring I was just giving her not an hour ago felt too heavy inside my pockets.

There seemed to have a huge wall between us as we waited in the waiting area of the hospital for the result of the CT scan I have forced her to take. She had never spoken a word ever since she emerged from the laboratory, and I was feeling a little stupid already and worried that her threat a while ago would be in effect for quite a long time, 'you'll regret this'.

I scooted even closer to her, but she just crossed her arms on her chest, turning her head on the television that was playing a National Geographic footage of a monkey shoving its genitalia on a female specie. I could feel the labored breaths she was making, her shoulders brushing into mine.

Without anymore second thoughts, I wrapped her on my arm, pulling her closer to me as I whispered on top of her head, "I'm sorry," with the sweetest voice I could ever make of. She was trying to let loose off of my embrace but I wouldn't let go, "forgive me, but I was just afraid to lose you," I whispered again, now running my face on the side of her head, down to her ears.

A few more seconds, I felt her ease up from her stiff position, quirking her head slightly toward me and then back away, "you don't need to get yourself into all these troubles, just to make me feel loved," she mumbled, thumbing her hair away from her face. I straightened up on my seat, just to change my position so I could be facing her, my body twisted as one of my leg lays on top of the cold wooden bench. My fingers played with her hair hanging on her shoulder, waiting for her to turn her face toward me. "I told you, I was just taken off-guard with everything." She said, finally gazing back at me.

Smile finally found its way in my face, I could see a slight gleam on her face, her eyes fluttered as she shyly stared at me. I held her gaze, running my thumb on the dark circle under her still puffy eyes, "I love you," I whispered to which she said the same, making me tug her closer to me. I needed to feel her body next to mine, drowning whatever worries I have had a few hours ago.

We silently watched the television, with Bella giggling embarrassed every time the male monkey abruptly pulls his mate to make love. My face was buried on her hair, smelling her perfume stirred with her own skin's scent. I wanted to talk to her about earlier but I figured I would do it somewhere else other than the hospital lobby. I wouldn't want her to have fit once again.

She kept on twitching on our seat, uncomfortable about something, and as moments passed by she became silent, her giggles died down and all was left was muted groans and grunt. I was about to ask her when the Doctor came, his hand holding the result of the scan I urged to procure as fast as possible.

She sat opposite us, her eyes jumping from me and Bella's as she explained the result of the scan. I thought I was just so focused on hearing what the results are and neglecting the fact that I didn't hear Bella say a word at all. Until the Doctor's facial expression looking at Bella finally had sunk clear on me. But before I could ask her, the waiting area's silence was replaced and filled with Bella's ear-splitting scream.

I thought I was just having a nightmare, hearing Bella's pained scream, all my bones rattled, but that did not matter at all because the moment I have focused my eyes on Bella's figure already fallen to the ground, my heart jumped out of my ribcage.

Bella's eyes were rolling, and all I could see was the white portion of her eyeballs, her cheerful little brown iris have already hid inside her lids. She was writhing in pain, her arms crossed to her torso as she wildly twist side to side, her face lost in pain.

I do not know what to do, I could not touch her because she flinches even from just a tiny grasp. She was wildly turning like a mad person or someone having an epileptic attack. I felt so numb, my ears couldn't hear my words even though I know I have been saying something, because all I could see and hear was Bella. My eyes blurred and stung as series of tears pooled and rushed down my cheeks in a hurried manner. My hands clasped on my hair as I dementedly followed her convulsing body on the stretcher as a group of people dressed in blue took her hastily off of the floor.

And then she disappeared on the white swinging door, with me left outside, stopped by someone with a glum yet authoritative look softly saying, "I'm sorry Mr. Cullen, you need to stay here outside so we can do our job properly," before vanishing too behind the swinging door. I wanted so much to ran after that person, to follow him or her whoever or whatever it is, because I desperately want to know that Bella is alright. But my knees were buckled and trembling.

Moments later, I was sitting limply on the white metal chairs, staring blankly on the white tiled floor. My system was drowned with the scent of the hospital, the alarming scent of sanitation. I tried to counterfeit it with the scent of Bella's skin, drawing it right from my imagination, but I kept on failing.

The moment the door opened, my body jerked up right, unsure of what to expect from the person emerging out of it. It was a woman, her head covered with a cap. She was flexing with her hands as she stormed toward me. I could hear her talk but it seemed that her words bounced on my head, like I couldn't understand her at all. But I do understand her, I just couldn't find the time to register it in my head so all I did was nod in compliance.

And then a moment later, I was already dressed in a hospital gown, lying stiffly on a bed, with a valve shoved in my vein drawing blood from me, dragging it on the plastic container lying not far within my reach. I could feel my strength leaving my whole body as I stare on my blood making its way to the container. This is the only thing I could do to save Bella, and I know, among other things, this is what I could give her, my life.

But I know, I couldn't do anything about it even if I shed all my blood for her, so the moment the needle freed my arm I stormed out of the room running absentmindedly and weak in the corridors knocking some stuff in the tray of an attendant passing blindly in the corner.

A few seconds later I found myself walking fast and determined toward the first pew of the chapel, my eyes stinging in tears yet focused and trained on the huge statue of the crucified Christ in the center of the huge hospital's chapel.

"What is this? Why are you doing this to me?" I muttered my voice so full of hurt and anger echoed in the solemn place. The ambiance smelled of incense and burning candles yet it didn't give me any comfort, or if any, it made me more sullen and bitter. "I never questioned you when you took my parents away from me, you told me you have plans for me. You sent me Bella to fill the void I was feeling inside, and now this? You're taking her away from me too?"

My voice cracked, my tears rushed down to my cheeks, my fingers clasped together out of a habit, balled into two fists separated from each other as I grumbled once more, "I hate you, you are taking everything that matters to me…" filling myself with the fuming anger inside of my battered heart. I am so near pulling a wolverine or the hulk. My mind was clouded with anxiety and my heart was withering seeing Bella's face in my mind contorted in pain. I felt so angry with God. I have found all bitterness to shove in His face. I wanted to scream inside the chapel, tell Him how much He had played with my life, and throw back to Him in all my anger the promise I have made to serve Him.

I stared on the unmoving image in the crucifix, my tears unhindered and relentlessly falling were blurring my eyes, but I just didn't blink them away. I was in a way waiting for the image of the Son of God to say something to me, punish me for what grievous thing to say I have said. But all I could see was his eyes looking down on me, thoughtful, understanding and merciful.

I wept, as loud as I could, trapping my face on both my hands as I withered on top of the bench, surrendering myself on my weakness, my humanity, my defeat. "I'm sorry," I whispered, "I'm just…I couldn't..." Ambivalent, I stumbled for words, but I know I need not to put words in my mouth for Him to understand what I was trying to say. He knows what is inside my heart.

My thoughts were drowned by my impeded cries, as I battled with my heart pleading God to keep Bella safe. I know I have no other power in me, but the power of prayer.

* * *

I must have stayed so long inside the chapel crying, the moment I emerged from it, my throat was already swollen and itchy, my eyes puffy. It was already night time. Inside the chapel, I have urged myself many times to get up and watch for whatever news I could get from the Doctors. But some part of me was trapping me inside the chapel, and that was the part of me afraid to hear a bad news. A lot of these things felt to me like that one day I hopelessly and desperately waited in the airport for the news of the names of the passengers that perished in the flight my parents took. I am afraid, that time had backfired. I have never felt this afraid before.

As I made my way to the waiting area where they left me, my feet dragged, like it never wanted to step further, unsure of what I will hear. A voice slightly panting stopped me from walking, and hearing her chase her breaths, I was so afraid to turn around and look at the face of the person I will be hearing something about Bella.

But I have to. I turned about, silently begging God and everyone holy.

It was one of the people wearing blue clothes who hauled Bella to the stretcher a while ago, her eyes were fluttering yet the look on her face was comforting, she had a smile. "I have been looking for you Mr. Cullen; Dr. Makeena has been--,"

I immediately cut her off, I don't want to hear anything else, "How is my girlfriend," toneless I asked slowly, looking seriously on her face watching hopelessly for any change in emotions.

She must have sensed I didn't have time for any elaborate words, she smiled again, briefly quirking her brows, "she's fine, she's safe. Dr. Maena is inside her room for a moment to check on her. This way Sir," she said turning around to lead me to yet another cluster of white doors, all sealed shut, until she stopped in a room with two doors, both shut. As she turned back to face me, her lips were in a straight line, looking down shyly and then mumbled, "She's in there, kindly wait for the Doctor to come out before you could talk to your girlfriend."

I thought she was done speaking, but after making step on her side to leave, she came back shortly, "Your girlfriend loves you very much Mr. Cullen," she said. I pulled my head up, and I must have the most intimidating look in my face, because the moment she stared back on me, she quickly looked away, utterly embarrassed, but before she left, she mumbled, "I just thought you should know. She told me to not to forget to tell you," and then quickly disappeared that the moment her words sunk into me, she was nowhere to be seen.

I waited for a good fifteen minutes outside the room, agitatedly. I could not even bring myself to sit on the comfortable looking blue couches next to the wall. I wanted to go inside already, I wanted to see Bella and make sure God had given me what I was asking from Him. My eyes was staring on the black leather watch Bella had given me last Christmas, counting every ticks the second hand made, talking myself out of my urge to barge inside the room.

Thankfully, before the clock could even reach my designated time, one of the two huge doors opened, and the Doctor emerged wearing a white doctor's jacket. It was the same person who halted me in the emergency room awhile ago, so she was Bella's doctor.

"Mr. Cullen." She muttered, softly quirking her head to convey her courteous greetings. But just like a moment ago, I was not in the mood to entertain subtlety. There was only one thing that mattered to me this very moment, and it was Bella. I did not reply, instead I moved to stop the door from closing behind her. But she stopped me, and then urged me to follow her in the couch, mumbling, "it will just take a minute," when I hesitated to follow.

She explained to me what had happened to Bella, and what they have done. And though I know I didn't ask, she must have remembered my rather scandalous inquiries this morning in the hallway. She lost a lot of blood and thankfully my blood was the same as hers. She had already told me they have fresh blood ready for her in the blood bank of the hospital, but I hesitated. I wanted my blood to run in her veins, if that was all she could have from me. At first I couldn't understand what she was talking about, probably due to my hesitation to listen to her. But as I left the couch and made my way slowly to the room where Bella was staying, I began to understand.

She said something about ovulation and though I have no idea what she was talking about, I understood that it has something to do with the reproductive organ. The Doctor said, it was a rare case of accident that happens inside the human body, and as for Bella, when her ovulation started; one of her eggs hit and popped a vein. Had it took a bit longer, she could have died from hemorrhaging inside, her lungs almost drowning from blood.

I felt my world crushed, my eyes landed on the unmoving toes under a white blanket. I could mot contain my tears that even before Bella's face came into full view, I was already crying. Bella's life was almost taken away by something I was so inclined with, her reproductive organ. I know it has nothing to do with my desires for her, but I couldn't help blame myself of what had happened to her. I must have fucked her so much.

Her face beamed as she saw me, and though her lips twitched into a weary smile, her eyes, those beautiful eyes I always long to see fluttered and glimmered of something…tears.

"You saved my life," Bella murmured with a grainy voice, her face wincing languidly. "Thank y--..." she added but I was quick to cut her off.

"Sweetheart...You know I'd do anything for you, I'd give you my life if that would keep you alive." I said, my hands were frantically rubbing her arm careful not to hit the tube that has its end inserted in one of her veins. I was faking to comfort her because the truth is, I was actually comforting myself. I thought I lost Bella, the image of her convulsing in the floor with her eyes rolling at the back of her head was driving me insane. I could never lose Bella, I would die.

Impeded and crushed cries came out of Bella's pallid lips, they were trembling. Her eyes glimmered from the tears that kept on escaping them, not a sign of comfort not a sign of cheer nor joy. She heaved a very deep sigh, fluttering her eyes, and then spoke of tiny little words with her paper dry voice, so crackled and fragile yet was able to break me, every fucking piece of me. I thought I died.

"I don't want to marry you, I don't want to be your wife."

There was no air left for me to breathe, I thought I'd faint, my hands holding her arms suddenly felt numb, cold and numb. If not for the motion her chest made, up and down, I could have had forgotten I needed air to breathe. I sat stunned, my eyes blankly staring at her face blurred with the tears that were pooling in my eyelids, slack jawed, I couldn't find my voice, I don't know what to say. There was something like a thick smoke that wanted so badly to escape my chest but couldn't find it's way. I am suffocating.

"Edward..." I heard Bella whispered, when I've finally focused my eyes I realized she was gawking on me, pulling her eyes briefly down my fingers which were clawed buried on her arm tightly, forcibly. Her face was void of the expression she once had and it was replaced by placid, unmovable expression.

"Bella..." my voice was lost from the loud crazied thumps of my heart; she turned her head on her side, her arm fighting with my grip. "Don't do this Bella I need you, please don't turn your back on me, please don't do this." I kept on repeating. I really didn't understand the words that kept on gushing out of my lips, all I know was, I was begging her.

"You don't need me Edward, go back to your life and forget I even came."

Bella has always been stubborn, being younger than me she had this cute and laughable stubbornness one that I always adore about her, but this is not one of them. "Forget you ever came? What the hell do you think I am, a programmable piece of shit? You come and go as you please thinking you don't and can't leave anything behind? What is this? What are you doing? Why do you always have to turn your back on something, why can't you fight for me?" The bitter words came out of my mouth, rushing, like I never had the chance to edit them.

She snapped her head, and I could see she had worked a sullen and bitter face, no trace of the weakness I a moment ago have seen painted all over her face. "Why, do you think this is easy for me? I have spent all the wonderful times of my life with you--,"

I needed to cut her off, "So why the fuck are you letting me go?"

"Because you don't belong to me, I don't belong to you!"

"Bullshit Bella!!! This again? To whom do I belong? I belong to you, no one else!!!" I was already shouting, my voice reverberating on the four corners of the room, and I didn't even cared to think that she just had an operation, I am not letting her rid of me.

"I spent hours inside the operating room dying in the hands of those strangers and I had nothing in my mind but you. I need to fight, I needed to live, I fought to live, I begged God to keep me alive, so I could fix the mess I have brought into your life."

"Mess? You think you brought mess in my life?! You are making me a mess by doing this..."

"Don't be stubborn Edward!"

"Don't be fucking ridiculous Bella. I need you, you know that. Why would you want me to leave you when you just said last night you don't want this to end? I made my decision Bella, and you're what I chose, a life with you is all that matter to me, I don't want anything just you."

"I don't want to spend my life with you; I don't want to be part of your life." She opposed, rather strongly.

"But---," I started, trying to fight back but she cut me off. And my throat instantaneously dried up when I heard the first of her words.

"I don't love you. I thought I did, but with you sitting here now, I just realized its not you I wanted. This," she said wearily gesturing with her free arm, "this whole fucking relationship was nothing but an escape of two souls believing they have a chance. We're just two fucked up souls taking refuge on each others arms, trying to fill the void. Leave me alone, you don't belong to me."

"Bella... I love you, I beg you please."

"If you love me--," Bella muttered shortly.

But I was quick to speak, "Don't fucking give me that crap,"

Yet Bella, my ever stubborn girlfriend was nowhere near giving up with this fight, "move on with your life," she sourly gritted, "our lives will be better off without each other."

"Bella..."

"Go away Edward, my parents are coming, go away and leave me alone."

And with that she turned her head away from me, sliding off her wrapped arm from my hand. I was completely and utterly stunned; I kept on opening my mouth trying to say something but no sound came out of it. She never spoke again and even if I sobbed so hard, taking comfort from the feel of her skin on my skin as I have rested my wearied head in her arm, there was no response from her.

"Bella...please...Don't let me go...please." I begged again, with the faintest voice coming from my trembling mouth.

It took me so long before I found the courage to finally stand up and head to the door; I managed to kiss her forehead noting with my blurred eyesight that she too was crying silently.

She's out of my life. That's the first thing that daunted my head as I heard the definitive click of the door behind me, what the fuck am I going to do with my life?

* * *

Warm air gushed from my face sitting alone in the cold tiles of my apartment. I couldn't believe what had happened, I still think I am in a fucking deep sleep and was having a fucking awful nightmare. I kept on cursing loudly in my empty and solitude abode, trying to drown the sickening feel of my heart break. My tears were relentlessly falling as my eyes ran through the entire living room, almost seeing Bella in every corner. My fingers grazed on the wall where Bella was once propped up, having the time of her life. I wrapped myself with the throw fleece she had used the last time we were here, drowning my senses of the smell of her skin. I couldn't cry anymore, I was so tired, I know this is what is supposed to happen.

This afternoon as Bella battled with life and death, I asked God nothing but to give Bella back to me, if that would mean leaving her entirely, I was willing to give her up just for God not to take away her life. But I immediately took my bargain back the moment I saw Bella lying in the room, thinking God is not someone I could bargain with, I mean, God is almighty, and I know he wanted me to be happy. He wanted me to choose what I want and I just showed Him its Bella I wanted.

The heaven always have three answers in our prayers, and I guess this time, the answer in my prayer was a definite no. My life has crumbled.

And as I have stepped outside in the balcony of my apartment, warm air of the exiting summer hit my face, the complex scent of the air and the pollution around whiffed me, tugging me away from my senses. I lost the one reason to live, like a sand castle I built for us to live, it was swallowed whole by the tide, and like the sand in my palm, she slipped fast just as I started gripping on her tightly.

I wanted to die. Death has never been this alluring.

**

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A/N

Well you read this chappy? Does it mean you'll stay until it's end? Well good for you...and better for me. I needed you, you know that. Thank you...I am ever grateful for you attention, you know that.

A review with be awesome, but if you prefer to be keep your silence, be my guest. But thank you :D

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NOTA BENE**

For disclaimer and author's basic note, please see PREFACE in the first page. Thank you.


	29. Chapter 28 I am For You

**CHAPTER 28 – I AM FOR YOU**

**BELLA**

Life has its way to keep you back in your track when you stumble and fall, if you willed it. And I did. I need to, after all, I have willed what had happened and brought me where I am now, so fuck it.

Putting my head for the sake of someone I love, is far better sounding than what I felt that very moment. And even it has been almost four months since I last saw him, since the last time I felt his skin against mine, since the last time I felt his soft lips on my face; his face was still as fresh as if everything had happened just a few moments ago.

I know I have hurt Edward, and though I know I would wreck his life, I decided that day it was time for me to let go. It was hard, even harder than how I thought it would be, but yeah I guess really sometimes they go hand in hand, the hardest thing and the right thing.

My life turned a great slope when I turned my back on Edward, just as big and probably even bigger turn about when I met him and decided I wanted to stay. It was so freaking hard to move on, knowing that just like me Edward had a hard time accepting we are never meant for each other.

The summer we spent together was the best summer I ever had my entire life but it too was the cruelest I'd ever had. I will never forget it, and though I could say I was able to slowly crawl back to reality without Edward around, I was in all corners of my life chasing the light that had run away.

Alice was there in every step of the way, just as Jasper was. He was silent and never talked to me about Edward after one hysterical night I had that I yelled both of them for ever trying to talk me out of misery. They wanted me to forget what had happened, and by what had happened they meant the day I turned my back on Edward. Jasper reiterated Edward loves me, and he encouraged that if I'd only look, I would see that Edward is more than wiling to sacrifice everything for me. I knew that already and that was exactly why I don't want to turn my back again to Edward.

I know I was being unfair in all the sense of the word cruel and insensitive, crazy even, but I could do nothing about it, the time has come for this to end, and what more sign do I need but the near death experience I had.

"You're pregnant". The doctor's voice echoed in my ears again, and just like everything else it crawled and seeped in every pit of my body, giving me shivers and then pain afterward. The cut in my belly ached like it has never healed at all even though it has been 4 months since. I had to sit up in my bed to scrunch my belly so as to somehow ease the thumping feeling inside.

That day in the hospital, I thought the heavens had poured its wrath on me for everything that I have caused them. I was in my hospital bed, entertaining myself of all the apparatus attached to me, I was trying to keep myself from anxiously fidgeting, I wanted to see Edward, badly. I was feeling all time weak, I could not move my legs from the anesthesia crippling me, my upper back was itching profusely and my left hand was sore from where the needles of the dextrose and the blood were inserted. I didn't have any idea what had happened to me, I was so groggy and lost in what seemed to be an eternal climb to the sky and all I could hear was chaotic, hurried and muffled words around me. My eyes were clouded by Edward's face; he was no doubt in profound panic and anxiety, his eyes wide open while his hands were clasped on his hair.

A doctor came afterward in my room, silently studying me as the nurse who came with her checked on my vitals. When the nurse left, the doctor sat beside me, smiling so sweetly, almost angelic. I had the opportunity to ask what had happened to me, and why I am all limping and had tubes inserted in my skin, blood and water running on it. She told me Edward was ever so willing to donate his blood, even gawking her eyes copying maybe Edward's expression when they told him they will use the hospital's blood bank instead.

She talked a lot, a lot of seemingly insignificant things, but the moment she spoke seriously, my heart began pounding. She told me Edward owns the hospital, "but it was our commitment to the patients to keep their records private unless you would give us the permission."

"What do you mean?" I remember asking feeling more anxious with the way she was delivering her words.

"Mr. Cullen will definitely ask what has happened to you and unless you say no, I would be telling him what really happened to you. I mean, I understood you're someone important to him and I bet he's really going to ask what--,"

"What happened to me...what happened to me?"

"You're pregnant."

I knew that very moment I heard her say those words I almost jumped out of my bed from excitement, I mean, it was so wrong that a month of spending every minute with Edward will lead us to having a baby, but having a baby is definitely something that could mean it was a whole new chapter for us. I thought, 'there' is the reason to finally make our relationship officially official, and maybe it was the time he would be totally turning his back on his vocation, like final, like a fucking exit like Jasper not like Emmett who was stuck between the light and shade, and I thought that time is finally the time I'd say yes with no hesitancy.

Basking on good news is so fucking predictable, kind of like the calm before the storm. And the storm came violently. It took me by surprise, took me fucking off guard.

"You were."

Two little words that the doctor had uttered instantly wiped the smile in my face and painted an unbelievable horror. I was pregnant of Edward's baby, was. And there was no other clearer way of saying, Edward and I were a fucking mistake.

The baby developed outside the womb. They thought at first I popped a vein from a rare case of ovulation hitting a vein, but when they had finally had all the results and was able to look inside while cleaning all the blood that had traveled up from my ovary to my chest, they finally had the conclusion that I had an ectopic pregnancy, and the poor little baby housing near one of my veins.

I knew what the doctor have told Edward, that's why I understood that he was so eager to mend things that moment and I knew too and pretty sure he will never leave me if he knew he impregnated me, even if I push him away. But life must go on. I asked for this, I knew at the very start that this will happen, and though it did not end the way easier for both of us, at least it wasn't late yet, we were just nudged, which is a very painful one by the way.

Wiping the tears that had escaped once again from dwelling in the past for a moment, I stood up and softly tapped my feet going to the kitchen. It's Sunday, and during these days I am alone, completely alone in the apartment. Alice usually goes out with Jasper on Sundays. A little past noon, I heard her tapped loudly on my door, perhaps trying to wake me up. Of course I am awake, I really didn't want to come out while they are there, they will just bug me into going out with them and then what, salivate on how they show their love physically on each other. I specifically hate the part that they hold hands as Jasper drives the Porsche, not only because they don't pay much attention in the road but because, I fucking loathed the feeling that no one holds my hand anymore.

"I am pathetic," I huffed silently. I knew I am, I had the chance to be happy but I opted to turn my back on it just because I wanted everything to be in its right track. Now I was left with the scars of happiness that I have turned my back into, swimming in misery because of the 'what ifs' and the 'only ifs'.

Sipping the steaming coffee I made absentmindedly, I gazed outside my window looking at an all too familiar window sill. No matter how many times I looked at it, the feeling of emptiness never cease, its like something as important as my heart has been taken away from me.

I turned around, wishing to go back to bed when my eyes caught a glimpse of a shiny thick envelope lying on my carpet. I needed to blink profusely to make sure I am seeing it right, I mean, I didn't notice it when I passed in there. And my heart was pounding loudly that it seemed to be scooting out my ribcage onto my earlobes.

The white envelope was shimmering with some kind of rainbow, being reflected by the muted light coming from the window, but that wasn't what stunned me and send my heart quivering.

It was the way my name was written.

* * *

I almost tripped several times as I hurried running toward the old church. I didn't even bother with the cold whoosh of December air as it seeped on my t-shirt and jeans ensemble. My heart was pounding erratically, my breathing was staggered and my hands were dripping with sweat.

I knew my face was a picture of paleness as I rushed toward the entrance of the church. Few people walked to and fro the church decorated in various Christmas ornaments. The water in the fountain was still there patiently squirting for one's delight, just as it has always been. Green moss still adorned the olden wall; yellow tiny flowers littered and perfumed the compound. It seemed that nothing had changed, when in fact everything in my life had changed.

There was a wave of solemnity that had struck my whole body when I finally made my first step inside the church. Out of panic and sheer nervousness, I didn't notice I entered in the entrance near the altar. I could almost hear the labored chasing of my breath louder than the solemn and soulful song that was echoing in the dome of the church.

_Lord Here I am, to answer you call, Lord here I am to serve and love you, I have left everything just to follow you…_

My hands trembled and my whole body spasmodically quivered as the lyrics of the song traveled in every single nerve I have in my body. I hurriedly stepped back to the wall, I could feel the world shaking, the cream colored walls caved on me as three men in white alb and a green sash marched toward the center of the altar.

I thought I died.

My knees buckled, my sweaty palms glided in the rough wall, my back scraped as I slowly slid down like a withering flower. I could feel my breath staggering out of my pained chest, my eyes blurred from the tears pooling in my eyelids.

Edward paused for a second that felt like forever. On his side, he stared at me, his eyes that I have missed for a very long time bore holes in my soul. I could feel his emotions from the sword like piercing stare, I couldn't breathe anymore. I could feel every part of me ached, my heart, my soul, my whole body.

I was late.

Edward had his hands clasped in front of him, his eyes seriously nailed on mine, I could be so far from him, but I could see his impeded cries behind those well composed face, his nose flared, his eyes smothered and his lips twitched.

And then as the song ended, _I am for you and you alone_, he bowed his head stealthily on me as a glittering moisture trickled on his face, and then he turned about leaving me the image of his back, his back that I have always trapped my arms with, his bronze hair that my fingers love to ran into and the manner he walks that I used to pattern my steps with.

Edward finally left me. Finally.

I scooted out of the entrance hastily, chasing breath, I ran blinded by the tears that were accompanying my dying soul, until I found myself in the Grotto, in front of the Statue of Mother Mary. Once again I was there in the place I have heard Edward confirmed me what he is and what he'll be, where I somehow started this journey in the unknown route, I was in the same place I have always silently worded my thoughts, but this time, I was hysterically mumbling prayers of repent.

"I'm sorry for everything that I have done. This thing, this…what happened there…now…it's killing me, please…I can't…" I laboriously uttered, stubbing my knees on the uneven rocky pavement as I knelt down, feeling utterly pained and weak.

I kept on mumbling stuff, begging everyone holy hearing me and my inappropriate swears and promises amid my frantic sobbing. My chest was so heavy, I felt so sick, I felt dizzy and I wanted to throw up. I was literally crawling in front of the statue.

But everything that I have pleaded was nowhere near being answered, because I knew, everything has been said and done, and this is the outcome. Edward and I do not belong to each other. It was too foolish of me to let go of Edward after what had happened last summer. And who am I to think that he'd forever stay waiting for me to come back after everything that I have caused him. Though I refuse to admit, but the truth is, I have inadvertently pulled him away from his vocation, I think I tried. I know I was too damn selfish that after everything that he had endured and sacrificed for me, I was in just a snap of a finger able to turn my back on him, after one bloody test.

Edward once told me I am his light, the light that had shown him the way, he said I was his angel. I was actually, an angel in disguise. I wanted him to be mine.

I leaped out of kneeling down when I heard Edward muttered my name behind me, with his voice as faint yet piercing as the whooshing cold air. His face was contorted in pain, his eyes glassy and glimmering from the afternoon sun showed so much of his emotion, something that perfectly resembled mine.

I was not able to control my self, I strode toward him weeping loudly calling his name repeatedly, but when I got inches away from him, he stepped back and raised both his hands to restrain me from embracing him, touching both my wrists ever so lightly. My cries became crazier, my knees were buckling as I tried so much to penetrate the wall that he had built between us. I wanted so badly to embrace him, to kiss him and to fucking tell him I am so fucking sorry. And I wanted him. But--

"Thank you for coming," Edward mumbled almost inaudible, looking seriously on my pained face.

"Edward…"

"I actually never thought you'll come to see me…ordained."

My breath staggered as I tried so hard for my voice to come out clearer, "I never thought you came back…"

"Now there's nothing you can do." He murmured softly his voice faltering, now his eyes already leaking.

"Edward…"

"Be--,"

I spoke shortly, cutting him off of sweetly calling me by my name, "I love you Edward, you know that. And I am so sorry for ruining your life…I'm sorry I--,"

Edward put a finger on my lips, making me stop my nonsensical blabbering.

"I am where I am…I am who I am…because you loved me," he muttered rather firm and serious, his jaws clenched while his stares drilled deeply into my bones. And then he ran his eyes in the whole of my face, replacing his forefinger in my lips with his thumb tracing the corner of my lips. "This is the end of the road," he murmured, lowering his head nearer mine I could feel the warmth escaping in his body, now uncovered with the white alb he previously wore inside the church.

My tears ran down my cheeks profusely, my lips trembled under his thumb as he pressed it harder almost poking it inside my lips. Our teary eyes conversed with each other with the words our lips were so afraid to utter.

"Kiss me…" I murmured almost just a breath, "one last time. Pl--,"

Before I could even finish my plea, Edward had abruptly pulled me closer to him, trapping my face with both his hands, his lips hungrily tasting mine as we let our emotions swirl our bodies in deep longing for each other. Our mouth though locked with each other were not able to hide the whimpers and cries as with our eyes, tears streaking down, relentless.

He pulled away, forcibly thumbing one of my tear stricken cheeks and then murmured softly with a faltering deep voice, "don't cry."

And then he's gone.

Silence drowned me all alone in front of the Grotto, even the loud ringing of the church bell in the steeple seemed to be just a faint dull sound compare to the sound of my dying heart, as I watched him walked away etching every memory of his retreating figure…who knows when am I going to see him again.

"I love you." I murmured, almost lost with the whiff of the wind. I closed my eyes for a long time, standing still in the same position Edward left me, until I have finally found the calm I have had been chasing.

Night had fallen, and as I weakly made my way back to my apartment, I made sure to feel the buds of the roses standing on the pathway, silent witnesses to Edward and I's love for each other.

Alice and Jasper were sitting in the couch when I came home. They knew exactly what had happened; they were in their most sympathetic face when they both stood up as I slowly and absently marched toward my room. Alice extended her arms, halting me on my pursuit to being alone, she trapped me in her arms, running her hand on my back. Her embrace became tighter when I began weeping, my shoulders trembling as I poured all my emotions. I need not to say a word so she'll understand what I was feeling because she knew for a fact that I have never gotten past my failed relationship with Edward. If there is one person who hears all my cries at night, who sees all the tears I shed in the dining table, who picks up all the broken glasses I dropped, it was Alice. And she understood me and supported me 100%. She knew I was trying to move on because technically speaking this is all I ever wanted, to see Edward finally get to where he was really headed in the first place.

After a few seconds of sobbing, my still blurry eyesight zeroed in on a bouquet of red roses, lying on top of the glass coffee table, an envelope inserted into one of the thorny stems had my name written the same way it was written in the invitation for the Diaconal Ordination.

Like a boneless person I withered out of Alice's arms down to the couch across the table. I could not bring myself to touch the bunch of roses, and when I have finally found the courage to pick up the red roses bound by a red ribbon, I felt Alice tapped a portion of my shoulder and then they left me…to bask on the final letter I would ever read coming from Edward.

My ever dearest Bella,

I found love when you came to my life, I lost my life when you left me. There's nothing left for me to do but what I have always believed I was intended to be, because the one thing I believed I would love to be was gone, taken away when you turned your back on me.

I don't take it against you that you can't take me as yours forever, but I hold it against you that you have stolen my heart and you never gave it back.

My life belongs to you, my heart belongs to you…no one else. But I have to leave, because as painful as it is, it is now clear, we're never meant for each other.

I love you, and I will always will. Take care of yourself.

+ec

Inside the envelope, there was something else other than the letter, as I opened it again to have a clear look even though I had a pretty good idea what was it with just a touch, the fluorescent light cast its light on it making it sparkle, throwing tiny colors of rainbow reflecting in my eyes.

It was the engagement ring…I never had the chance to wear.

* * *

I visited the church, something I rarely did since I came back from that one fateful summer I had with Edward. I thought what was the point of attending the masses if all I could see was a representation of the person I ought to be with but can't and wouldn't. But now that everything was in its proper places, I tried many times to tease myself and try of until in what degree can I take to see Edward fully clothed as a man of God serving in the altar.

But I never saw him.

Christmas and New Year came, and now it was the start of the new semester but I never stopped visiting the church and attending masses. I would always hang in the Wall where we always talk, or in the Grotto wherein we had spilled the most intimate parts of our heart, but Edward never showed up, in the church nor in the Walls or the Grotto. I don't know what in the world do I still want, but I seemed to have hung and hoped that we could at least still see each other, even as friends. I mean, it was hard to just abruptly turn your back to something or someone you were hopelessly addicted to, and I know I was trying to at least make it a slow transition.

After I have lit a candle inside the church, I, once again made my way to the Walls, trying my luck that Edward would find his footing and visit our special place. I was still in the stone stairs when I noticed someone standing in the promenade, his back on me. I almost tripped in excitement hurrying up until I finally crossed the seemingly longer space toward the stoned baluster under the big old tree.

My throat soured when I got the full view of the person with his back on me. It wasn't Edward, not even a slight similarity. It was Jacob, and by the way he was leaning on the Wall, it was obvious that he was there for a reason.

I stomped my feet toward the usual spot Edward and I sit before, throwing not a single look on him. Not until he cleared his throat. I hesitantly glanced at him, with an unreadable expression. I despise seeing Jacob in a very special place I call sanctuary, and I felt kind of crossed that I needed to entertain him now that all I wanted to do is to reminisce the happy moments I spent with the one person I wanted to see.

"Hi." Jacob muttered after clearing his throat. His lips were in a flat line, kind of a restrained smile. I could not find the urge to smile at him, so after staring him for a fraction of a minute, I gave out a timid yet an unfriendly smile before shuffling in my seat turning my back on him. I am so not in the mood in talking with someone who hates me.

But Jacob apparently wants to talk to me. He let out a sigh audible to me from just a few inches of space separating us and then he spoke slowly carefully and seriously, "He's not coming…not anymore."

I huffed almost about to burst from sudden arousal of anger, but Jacob was fast, he strode in front of me even before I was done arching my back ready to bitch on his insensitive comment.

Jacob's hands were raised palms forward as a gesture of surrender, momentarily calming my already raging temper. "No offense meant Bella," he said, looking directly on my eyes, with an undeniable serious expression. And there was something in the way his lips were curled in a shy timid and apologetic smile that made me ease up, shuffling from my already rigid position on top of the baluster. A few moments of my silence gave Jacob the go signal to speak freely.

He stepped closer, resting his elbow on the baluster, he spoke alternating his sight on the tiny yellow flowers in the ground, to me, in the sky and unto his shoes. "I always see you come here from the church, you might not notice me, but I could see you…everyday. I believe this place is something important to you and Edw—him?"

I did not reply, instead, I fluttered my eyes on him. He kind of grimaced reading nothing on my poker face. But he continued talking, there is definitely no stopping this bitch.

"Edward left, right after his ordination, leaving nothing but an assurance that he will be what he always thought he would be." Jacob paused for a moment, and then jumped up so he would be sitting directly in front of me, mirroring my position, hugging his knees, such effeminate.

"That day something bad happened to you, Edward phoned Alice and said some things that sent us all in total chaos. I really didn't know all the details of the things he said to Alice but it goes a little some thing like, 'I will not be around to take care of Bella, so I expect you and Jasper to look after her', leaving us wondering what could have happened. Jasper and Alice called me that night, late night actually, asking for my help to find Edward. They were…we were so worried that he had done something to himself, because according to Alice, he sounded pretty upset and slurring in his words. Finally finding Edward in the morning…bathing in all the liquor that he had spent, half naked and hugging himself like a child outside his terrace, I found myself hating you even more. I thought, what awful thing have you done to him, now he felt like he doesn't want to live anymore because you have turned your back on him. For days all three of us alternated in looking after Edward in his apartment. He didn't want to eat, he doesn't want to talk and all he wanted was to drink and get wasted. In perspective it was better when he was drunk, because he was laughing…and crying and basically opening the wounds that were hurting him, unlike when he's sober in the morning, all he does is stare blankly and not talk. Scary, he seemed to have lost his sanity. That made my fury on you even more, I wanted to talk to you and slap you in your face of all the awful things you have brought on Edward's life, considering you found him all secured in his little bubble and then suddenly you felt like there was no need of him in your life so you decided to leave. I'll tell you Bella, mad is an understatement of what I feel for you."

I had to heave a sigh hearing Jacob bare his rage on me, without the slit eyes and knuckled fist. He was too clear of his hate on me, yet his face show nothing but deep earnest and sympathy maybe.

He continued, regarding me and my softening facial expression for a moment, "Until one night, he emerged from his room, looking all freshened up with a clean pair of pajamas on. He sat in front of me as I watched television and began our conversation with the words 'I am madly in love with Bella, she is my life'. I knew at that moment he had come to his senses, and at that moment it also dawned to me, he loves you so much, that is why he decided to get up and fix his crumbling life. I had a realization that the hate I was harboring from you wasn't because you stole Edward from me, friendship-wise and everything else that I have come to associate him with, I hated you because I knew exactly how well you can wreck Edward's life, without you exactly doing it or knowing you were doing it.

Edward came back to the seminary, urging me Jasper and Alice not to tell you. He specifically begged me to tie him in his bed in case he couldn't control himself and decided to see you. He knew perfectly that he couldn't do it with you around, but he also know and believed that that is what you wanted him to be. Edward contented himself with the idea that you were just a few meters away from him. Can you believe that he was even happy enough to know that you were basically breathing the same air? Jasper frequently visited him, bringing him news about you. It never helped that sometimes all Jasper could share was, 'you were locked in your room crying the whole night', those were the information that were sending Edward into panic restraining himself to come and see you.

Bella, you are Edward's everything. He once said, he knew nothing in life but to be a seminarian, and he couldn't leave outside the walls of the church if you weren't around."

I startled when warm beads of tears trickled down my face, feeling awkward I wiped them sullenly, turning my head away to hide my sudden outburst of emotions. I heard Jacob sighed, and then I felt his fingers landed lightly on my knees, "I'm so sorry Bella…I'm sorry things didn't go well…I truly am".

Jacob's words sent me to more overwhelming emotions, I soon found my self trembling from silent weeping, my tears unrelenting. And as shameful as I feel at the very moment, I slightly turned my head toward him, murmuring, "I love Edward Jacob, so much," almost inaudible, "and I never have stopped loving him, until now." I added.

I felt Jacob's hands gripped one of my hands resting on my knees, blinking my tears down, I stared at him and his face painted in agony and sympathy.

"I know," he said, "but there's nothing you can do but wait where the road leads you."

He stared at me for quite some time, studying every flutter of my eyes, with such understanding and empathy, and then when I have in some way composed myself, he let go of my hand, scooting nearer me like we were some kind of best friends talking about some personal life.

"Don't get mad on Alice…and Jasper for not telling you everything they knew. Alice for one always cried and almost always give up swearing she's going to tell you what was really happening. She saw how you and Edward suffered, and she thought it was unfair for both of you to suffer on things that actually has an answer, literally…and figuratively. She saw how much you really loved each other and how much you have been suffering just because there is one thing both of you thought is the right thing other than your love for each other…But it was Edward…he stopped Alice and begged her not to bother you anymore about him. I guess…you have said something that made him realized there was nothing you wanted for him to be but be a priest," Jacob said, quirking an eyebrow.

I clenched my jaws, looking down momentarily, I don't know what to say, because the fact is, whatever I say, it will always bring back to the fact that I lied.

"I guess we always say things we never meant," he snickered, his face clowning, trying so hard to induce a smile from me.

A smile leaped out of my glum face, probably not my best smile yet, but in way, his almost joke made me for a moment considered some light truth about what was weighing me all these months.

"Yes. Half of the things we say, were not meant as it is," I mumbled lightly shaking my head, now a sheepish smile crawling in my lips, huffing. I focused my eyes on him, trying to read past his small eyeballs, "like for example what I said to you outside the school, about…umm, the real reason why you entered the seminary…"

Jacob laughed. But I didn't stop.

"I'm sorry I called you a gay, and of everything else that I have said. I really didn't mean that."

"Yeah…I guess it's alright, I knew you were just pissed off me. But you have to forgive me for every single word I have said to you that afternoon too. I know I have caused you a lot of heartache…I was…I went overboard with all the accusations I made you…I never really realized that I was dead wrong…only until I heard Edward bared all his feelings for you. It wasn't your fault…not at all. You were one innocent girl standing in the crossroad when Edward found you. I guess…it was all destined to happen."

I found the urge to giggle, my face cracking from all the tears that had soaked and dried in my cheeks, "Well…first, I am not really innocent…and second, I thought men of God don't believe in destiny?"

I caught myself and felt a pinch in my chest hearing me number my thoughts just like Edward frequently did, and apparently Jacob noticed it too. He smiled, with a tinge of pride might I add, straightening in his seat, "that was one thing you got from him," he snickered and then looked away for a moment. "Our vocation and our belief was a mixture of both. Things we learned outside the seminary taught by our family and friends…they go hand in hand with the things we learned inside the formation, and it was just up to us to know which one is the truth and which one is plain…fantasy."

"You will be such a good priest Jacob," I mumbled, looking at his hidden face. He turned to me, fluttering his small eyes, its corners creased from a hidden smile, "Thank you Bella," he said touching my hand for a moment and then looked away, only to speak gently and somberly afterward, "You will be fine…Someday somewhere, you will find the answer to all the questions in your head, stuff like why do these things need to happen to you, in a very inopportune time."

My conversation with Jacob ended in a pleasant note, him walking me to the gates of the church compound. He left me with the words that made me ponder over and over again as I made my way feeling an ounce and half lighter, "Edward went away so he could be the best in the field he decided to pursue, all because of you. But one thing he wanted me to remind you in case we see each other, he loved you more than you ever did know."

* * *

A/N

Okay...I wept. Psshh! Can you believe that, I cry from the story I was making up. Awkward.

Now review me some love :P

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NOTA BENE**

For disclaimer and author's basic note, please see PREFACE in the first page. Thank you.


	30. Chapter 29 Here I Am

**CHAPTER 29 – HERE I AM**

**EDWARD**

God did not show the sign clearly as to which road to take because he wanted me to choose myself. I love Bella, but there's no reason for me to stay around if she doesn't want me, and I'd rather spend my whole life serving God rather than with someone else. I don't want to grow old with someone while I ponder on the thought that I could have had Bella but now she's spending her time with someone else while I spent mine…not with her. My life belongs to Bella, and without her, there will be no more life with me outside my formation. For me, it's only Bella or nothing.

She had always been clear of her intent not to keep me from my vocation; she loved me without asking anything in return. This is what she wanted and I guess I'll live happily ever after alone knowing that I made a choice out of my sheer love for her. Even though I couldn't hide the fact that I will always be the one she left behind.

She almost died, and I will always remember that day that God showed me how powerful He is. I asked Him to give Bella back to me, and it wasn't always that I witness a miracle happen. I bartered my sanity against Bella's life. It was too easy for me to turn my back on my agreement but the moment Bella turned her back on me, it was clear...the agreement should be honored. I hated God for a while, cursing Him for ever giving me that trial, but as years go by, as I live my life in pure solitude taking comfort on Bella's memories, I came to realize one day, I must be thankful. Years ago I spent my whole life thinking I belong to no one but in the church, but God was so good to give me such an experience I would be bringing along with me, probably until death. And there was no gift good for me but God's gifting me of Bella and keeping her life, alive...if that means away from me.

I now have a brighter perspective of what had happened to my so-called short love life. Jasper once asked me, why did I ever let Bella let go of me if all I wanted was her. Well, that was my answer, I asked God for her, and boy I love her so much to let go of her rather than losing her, entirely.

I guess not all love story ends in a 'happily ever after'. Well it didn't even need to have a happy ending to be called a love story. Ours was a love story, a story about love. In such a short period of time we shared together, we have made our own love story. But every story must end. Happy or not, it doesn't matter now, what matters is the love we shared that forever will be carved in my memory, in my heart.

Life goes on.

Here I am, in the four corners of my light green painted room. Sitting alone in a single bed covered with everything lightly themed from a pale blue warmer, to a gray duvet, white fitted sheet and a white pillow. A lot like my very little room I once shared with the perfectionist Jasper and obnoxious Jacob. Life has finally drawn itself clearly for me to see.

My eyes drifted on a rail where a white alb was hanging. Beside it hangs a chasuble, a vestment I have always wondered how would I look wearing them. Expensive, glittering, hand made.

But it didn't ring a bell at all.

I just awoke from a dream. Some people having a recurrent dream waking up all sweaty and crying would call it a nightmare. But it was the most pleasant dream I could ever have. There is this realm where I could be with the one person I wanted to be with but could not.

I would admit, the first few months of being ordained I felt a bit…sullen. I have always compared my life into a sand castle and it pained me a lot that I have built a paradise for me and Bella but it was all eaten and destroyed by a bigger force, a force we've got no control over.

And now that I am fully ordained as a priest, days had gone by so quickly that all that was left in my heart was my undying love for her. Sometimes I awoke in the middle of the night crying from the same dream, crying yet with a smile in my face. I only get to see her in my dreams. Those locks that often whisk in my face, where I loved burying my face, those eyes that sends me in paradise with just a flutter and a crinkle, her lips that utter the most precious words I always long to hear, her creamy skin where I loved to glide my fingers into, they were all part of my memory. And as days go by, the memory is fading away, one by one, they became more and more shady.

A painful pinch made me stand up from my bed, walking in the well opened window, overlooking the huge piazza outside. People walked back and forth, seemingly untiring, almost always full of sizzle and life.

I have chosen the only thing I knew was right for me to do, knowing I couldn't have Bella. But all those years, she still lived in my memory, my memory now in danger of being drowned by the ebb of tide, just like my sand castle. There was this hole that has never closed in my heart. In a way, I wasn't heart broken at all, or at least I shouldn't feel like I am. I never lost Bella, I never believed her when she said she doesn't want me around, because I knew for a fact that she loved me just as I loved her. But this is the right thing to do, I believe so. We tried so hard to stay together but circumstances sent us to where we were now.

I just wish she was in a proper place, a happy place where she will remember how to smile, where she would wear the same happy smile I loved to see her with.

The bell in the steeple rang once again. I could almost feel the bile from my stomach rising up. I have been doing this for a couple of years now, but until now, I couldn't find the 'at home' feeling I have been so eager to chase. And I knew the reason why, I have not totally let go of my past. Sometimes I couldn't help think I have used my cowardice to shy away from the outside world. Sometimes I think this life I chose was not really what I wanted, but I was too afraid to venture the outside world alone, not without Bella by my side.

I hastily put my alb and the chasuble, looking momentarily on a small mirror, all I had to do was to ran my fingers on my hair and then storm out of my room, the long hem of my vestment flipping behind me as if I was flying. The moment I entered the altar, hurrying toward the confessional box, the solemn and holy environ of the church, silent and only the occasional murmurs of the churchgoers drenched me giving me the all too familiar peace. I love the church and the peace of mind it gives me. Being in it makes me feel nothing could hurt me, I am in the care of the Lord. That is probably why it was so hard for me to turn my back on it. This is the life I knew ever since.

Once again, I sat inside the little confessional box, a very minimal light coming inside. It was peaceful here, almost as peaceful as in the vast space of the Cathedral.

A sultry voice spoke in the window in my right, the face of the woman unrecognizable from the mesh that covered the window. "Father, forgive me for I have sinned, my last confession was a few years back."

My heart beat picked up, I felt like there was something hampering me from breathing properly. I managed to glance on the person in the other side of the window, her face was bowed , half hidden with her long hair draped in either side of her face. All I could see was a portion of her face where her lips protruded as she began recalling her sins. Her voice was so faint in my hearing, because I was so occupied in the deafening beats of my heart. I could not pay attention on what she was saying because I found myself staring at her face, hopelessly trying to associate her silhouette with the only person I knew could capture my attention as she did.

Until her words hit home.

"I was in love with a man I couldn't have."

When I heard her words, its like everything went blurry, and all I could see was Bella's face, the very vivid memory of her wearing her soft dress propped in my arms as we lazily lie on the hammock in the beach. Back then she was talking to me about how wrong she felt for loving me.

"I spent my entire life looking for the person I wanted to spend my life with only to find out that he wasn't meant to be mine. I gave up many times, but I always find myself coming back. It's like my life is utterly incomplete if I wasn't with him. I wanted to fight, but it was a hopeless case. We were never meant for each other."

"Bella…" I murmured with just a breath, I felt a constriction in my chest, I needed to breathe through my mouth, laboriously. I could feel my eyes blurring from the pooling of tears.

"He was married father, and has three kids--,"

I gasped and finally let go of the tears in my eyes. I just realized that missing Bella so much had put a toll on my judgment, mistaking the woman as Bella with just the silhouette of her face and her murmuring voice.

"I have let him go father, I was trying to live my own life, away from him, but until now, I couldn't bring myself to forgetting him. I am with another man, in hopes that I will forget him in the course of time, but it only gets worse and worse every time there was something me and my husband would argue about."

With faltering voice, I gave a little advice to the woman confessing, something even I didn't know I could ever say, "My child, it was never wrong to love someone who you can not have, love is gifted to us by God to experience and share, what was wrong is if by loving someone you would be hurting innocent people. It was good of you to finally turn your back on him, it takes a lot of courage to turn your back on something or someone so important to you, but you did. Now why do you still feel empty, why do you feel like you were still committing the same mistake you did before? Because you still love him, you said. But I doubt it was your love for him that was making you feel guilty and pained, it was the thought that you were using someone else to fill the void you think was left by the failure relationship you had. Nobody knows why certain things happen to us, but one thing is for sure, there was a reason why we get hurt, why we can't get what we want. We can't live forever with the thought of all the why's and but's, maybe its time for you to accept that though the love you have for that certain man still lived in your heart, you can not have him, and its time for you to give yourself a chance to love someone else, away from his shadows. If you were married with the new man, you have to try and work your relationship out. Focus on the good things he has, overlook the flaws, and you'll see, love do wonders. But if you still can, you have to let go of him if you don't love him. It's unfair for him to be used just to get by from someone else's memory. Give time for yourself, alone, discover things to make yourself happy, and you'll see with a clearer mind and a free spirit, you'll soon find what you're looking for."

Unstopping, I gave her the series of prayers she needed to say to end her confession, and as soon as she stood up and away the confessional, I hastily went out, tears trickling down my cheeks, my shoulders trembling from weeping, as I made my way to the altar.

All the lights have lit up, fluorescent lights and chandeliers alike. Candles burned in the altar, choir shuffled in their seat, as people started flocking inside the huge cathedral. The huge bell rang just as small bells sounded in the altar, everyone stood up, and the choir began singing a joyful song. A procession of priests and bishops came out of the altar, I was in the middle of the line-up, my hands clasped together and my head bowed so low to hide the tears in my face.

The Holy Mass has started.

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NOTA BENE**

For disclaimer and author's basic note, please see PREFACE in the first page. Thank you.


	31. Chapter 30 Red Flowers

**CHAPTER 30 – RED FLOWERS **

**BELLA**

"Why don't you want to spend Christmas with us?"

I spun around, startled. I was busy immersing my eyes on the beautiful twigs of the fresh pine tree decorated with Christmas ornaments. I sat on the balls of my feet, trying to level up my eyes on the very cute little boy standing next to me. His eyes bore the excitement that Christmas brings, yet it can't hide the subtle feeling of sadness, sadness from something that my impending exit causes him.

"I have to attend to some things Sweetie."

"But Santa is coming--," he protested.

"I know…Can you believe that? I haven't seen him for quite a long time!" I squealed excitedly, trying so hard to hide my emotions.

I know I shouldn't be acting all melodramatic about leaving for Christmas. I have always done this for the past years, but I couldn't help feel saddened from the somber expression on his face.

"Okay…can you just say hi to Santa for me?" I mumbled grinning as I pinched his reddened cheeks.

"What gift am I going to ask for you?"

Giggling, I placed my hands on his tiny arms, easing his hair away from his face for a moment. "It's up to you…What do you think do I need this Christmas?"

I thought kids these days know nothing about misery around them, but apparently this pretty little thing does know a thing or two about it, my misery at least. I choked on his reply.

"I would ask Santa for him to give you back that guy who made you happy."

Something warm traveled from inside my chest snaking toward my face, I could feel my nose and my jaws aching. "What made you think I am not happy Sweetheart?"

"I always see you and Mom talking, and you always cry every time."

A few more words from this boy and I will break down into pieces. I needed to heave a sigh so I will be able to talk without tearing. "There are some things that were making me upset those times you see me and Mommy talking, probably why I was crying."

"Stay with us this Christmas. You could ask Santa yourself for what you really wanted…"

"I'm sorry Jasper, I needed to unwind…" I muttered painting my misery with a little bit of chuckle.

"What does unwind--?" He asked. God this is fucking hard.

"It's something old people do that kids don't understand yet," Alice stormed toward us, holding a piece of cloth draping it on Jasper's back afterward. "Go to your Daddy at the backyard, he's fixing the table for tonight's barbecue. He needs your help…" She mumbled on Jasper's ears, kissing him afterward before letting him go.

Jasper gave me a tight hug as I squeezed him back murmuring, "Merry Christmas Dear."

Alice and I watched little Jasper ran toward their backyard, until he was gone. I turned around picking up my traveling bag from the floor as I headed for the door. Alice hugged me tightly, running her fingers into my cheeks for a moment afterward.

"It's the time of the year again Bella."

"It's the time of the year again Alice," I said nodding, escaping her piercing stare on me.

She ran her palm on the side of my shoulder, chasing my attention back to her, "When will you stop running away? It's been years; don't you think it's time for you to celebrate what Christmas is all about?" She mumbled; her eyes sympathetic.

I sighed deeply, trying not to dwell on the thought her words suggested. Alice was right; I have been running away every Christmas. I don't know why, but, I always wanted to be alone on Christmas Days. It was one special day that was so important to me that I never wanted to spend it with anyone else but myself and whatever sanity left on me.

Christmas is my time with my past, a past that had been trailing me wherever I go, a past that was now becoming more and more vague and indecipherable against the hands of time. Something I hated to happen.

"What are you going to get with this Bella? You've been planning to see him for quite a long time, for what?"

"I need to tell him something Alice…"

Alice shook her head, smiling. She never gets tired of listening to me, understanding me and everything that flows in my wretched head.

"What do you think you'll get if you tell him the truth? Won't you just get hurt even more, I mean enliven up the past, the old flame?'

I chuckled, though with the expression that flashed her face I knew I didn't fool her with my fake amusement.

Alice is right I was fucking chasing someone that might long been gone. I was empty, all those years I tried to move on, and God knows I tried so hard, but there was always this thing weighing me down.

I got intimate with Mike again. We got together for a couple of years now. He loves me, just like when we were younger. He still knows what makes me happy and what makes me sad. But all those years we were together, I was empty or if not empty I was looking for something. I have long accepted that Edward wasn't for me, I understood that, and I have so fucking tried to move on. His memories lingered, hovering around me, just always waiting for a moment Mike and I would fight and then presto, I'd be all too fucking clinging again on Edward's smile, the memory of it.

I know I love Mike, I just have learned to, he's a good person, but at the same time I was still holding on to something, not of my wish to have Edward but probably to talk to him one last time, tell him everything that went on.

That is why I decided to hunt him, I would probably be lucky I'd find him where Jacob said he went, and probably after talking I could finally go on with my life. I don't want to be unfair with Mike, he doesn't deserve someone hanging on to someone. He knew exactly what was always bothering me, well not exactly, but the reason. I always caught him watching me while I sleep, and when I ask him, he'd say, you dreamed of Edward again. It was too much of him to handle, he's working hard for our relation, and I don't want to be unfair to him. So I broke up with him.

Boarding the airplane to Italy, I couldn't help shed some tears. The vast horizon was all around me, and tomorrow, it's Christmas, I have no fucking idea what I would find in Italy.

* * *

The Vatican is a huge place, I was so caught up and overwhelmed and totally scared that I will end up going home not being able to talk to Edward at all. The church was full of the Faithfuls hearing a non-stop Italian mass in celebration of Christmas Day.

I have stayed for like two masses already, so tired from my flight, waiting anxiously to have a glimpse of Edward. But there was nothing, not a sign. I happened to see a program of masses for Christmas day, and as the Tuscan sun started to dip in the horizon, I went out of the church, empty handed and overwhelmingly dissatisfied.

There was no Edward Cullen in the program. I walked absently in the patio, feeling the faint heat of the sun hit my face, fighting with the chilling cold brought by the season.

An old man was sitting in the side of the promenade, his wrinkled face was a picture of happiness and excitement. A painter was almost done, in front of him, capturing the intricate details of his age and of the basket full of different colored roses.

I sighed, with a little smile in my lips. The old man smiled at me too, nodding about something I don't actually understand. I nodded back, "they're beautiful," I said looking at the fresh flowers on his basket and then to the other man who was painting.

"Just like you." I think I stiffened in my position. I know that voice. I know that fucking voice!!! All my insides quivered like an instinct, I knew I was silently squealing like a pig. I turned around, ever so slow, I was afraid I would scare away the memory of his voice just like how it always happened to me.

But when I have finally turned about, I know my face lit up. Edward was standing a few feet away from me, his hands shoved in the pocket of his dark jacket, worn out jeans hung flailing yet seemingly comfortable on his legs. He was standing with his side facing me, the bright afternoon sun directly behind his head, kind of glittering, shining and beaming. I thought I just saw an angel. I walked toward him, feeling like I was walking in the clouds.

And here I thought a few minutes ago this day would end up in a disaster.

"Edward..."

A small smile crept on his lips. His face beamed fluttering his eyelashes. "What are you doing here?" He asked, his voice so subtle yet so low, like an angel's whisper.

I suddenly felt terribly ashamed. Yes, what the fuck am I doing here. It's like everything that I have rehearsed were nowhere to be found in my head. I must have been looking stupidly, because he was now smiling at me, with that same smile I ought to see all the time.

Shaking my head profusely with an embarrass smile, I breathed out heavily, "Oh...um," I stuttered and as I stumbled for right words to say, his eyes glowed and his face began to crease into that familiar sexy fucking smile. "I was looking for my friend," I finally muttered turning my head shortly in the direction of the cathedral behind me, its dome seemingly kissing the cloudy sky.

The wind gusted, making me quiver and hold tightly on my coat, my hair flung back and forth, and I had to shake my head so I could have a good look of Edward who was following my flinging hair with his heavy gaze. Clearing my throat again, looking down shyly, "I um, I needed to…do some act of reconciliation…I mean, confess…yeah, confess something very important..." I said huffing softly.

"And?" He asked quirking his eyebrow with a hint of sarcasm. He is fucking loving this gagging for words that was currently cursing me.

"I couldn't find--,"

"Senorina, you like the flowers?" The old man with thick Italian accent on his cracking voice halted me of what I was trying to say.

Edward turned around facing the man, reaching for his wallet at the back of his pants. When he turned around, he had a bunch of red roses in his hands, and I know I was smiling awkwardly as he reached forward to give me the flowers.

My eyes marveled on the buds of the roses, still had beads of moisture on their petals. I don't think I ever felt the same when Mike gives me flowers, one perfect reason is he never mind of the colors he gives me. And this one, red flowers mean a lot to me, I just don't know if Edward still remembers that I am particular with colors.

Edward cleared his throat, trying to hide his very amused smile with just a smirk. When I held the roses, I inadvertently grazed on his hand, causing me a deep and profound chill; I know I am acting weird. But probably that is how you feel when you get to touch an old friend, an old flame actually, just as how Alice calls him.

He stepped back, I thought at once he got uncomfortable with my touch, but then he smiled, after he propped his windblown hair on top of his head. Fluttering his eyes comically, he gazed down with his hands both in his pocket and then cleared his throat, just to make a step closer to me, and with that beaming smile coupled with his heavy gaze, he murmured "hi, you're Bella Swan right? My name is Edward Cullen, just Edward Cullen."

My eyes crinkled in confusion and amusement alike, my lips don't know if I would smile or be timid or just fucking squeal. And then he stepped forward one more step that I could almost feel the waves coming from his body, feel the air coming out of his nose and those lips. He tucked a wayward hair behind my ear, I knew a loud gasp came out of my unhinged mouth when his cold fingers came in contact with the back of my ear running it briefly down a portion of my jaw.

"I'm single and...available," he whispered almost inaudible but seemed to rung in my ears like the huge bell that was ringing in the steeple a while ago. "And if you'd have me back I want to start over again." He added, his voice so fucking low and arresting, I am really in the brink of fainting. I thought my panties dropped.

I was not able to control my sudden overwhelming happiness, I jumped on him wrapping my arms on his neck, I felt like a fucking stupid child but it doesn't matter because Edward was finally holding me in the palm of his hands, crippling me with the bone crashing embrace connecting every cells we have in our body, as our lips danced for joy, hungrily, impassioned, feverish and full of emotions; reuniting the abruptly held up romance.

I am home now.

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A/N

It's actually the end...and I hope you liked the end of it. Ohhh what a journey...thank you so much to all of you who stayed with me. I hope you picked up something nice from this story, if not a moral at least something to ponder.

So, I'm doing an epilogue, and I hope you'll be back for that. There's nothing new on that because yeah, as Bella said, she's home now...It' just a closure, and probably something else. While you wait, why not check-out my other stories, you might find something interesting there for you. Or check-out author mylove4uistrue, she's written two fabulous stories.

Thank you again and I hope you author alert me for if I happen to publish some more 'crap'. I owe you a lot.

~~~ roses for you my dear friends.

xoxo,

~m

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* * *

NOTA BENE**

For disclaimer and author's basic note, please see PREFACE in the first page. Thank you.


	32. Chapter 31 Epilogue

**EPILOGUE**

The crisp early night wind of Christmas gusted, ruffling my hair and making the hem of my suit flap uncontrollably behind me. As I ran my fingers on the paint of my black car, a knowing smile was lingering in my lips, the sparkle in my eyes bouncing against the glimmer on the hood of the car. Gliding my forefinger in the squeaking paint, my thoughts strayed, halting on a particular scene of my life, when everything I have been praying for was answered.

After a Christmas mass I attended, I languidly hopped on the stairs out of the Cathedral. Kids and adults alike merrily paraded their Christmas faces around. Happy is an understatement of the ambiance around me, but I was feeling utter gloom. Almost six Christmas have come and gone, and I have always found myself affected by the season in more ways than one.

My hands felt comfortable, being away from the cold wind as I have hid them inside the pocket of my jeans. The surrounding is almost amber from the exiting sun; I had my eyes locked on the tall obelisk in the middle of the piazza, not minding what was going on around me. I passed an almost shrieking man, reprimanding an old man as he tried to make a good painting of him and his basket of flowers. They were talking Italian and all I could do was shake my head in amusement of the flow of their conversation.

And then I froze.

I have passed the two bickering Italians when all of a sudden a flood of memories hit me as the image of the woman standing in front of the old man modeling for a painter sank in my senses. Bella.

I couldn't help myself shake in delight as I remembered how I tried not to break Bella's bones with my frantic embrace. I thought my life will never get better, but here I am now, standing outside my car, waiting for Bella to come out of her hotel.

We couldn't talk so much this afternoon; we were caught up on each others' overwhelming feelings as we strolled the bricked pavement of the piazza, almost always in silence, our hands twined together. The heat coming from her hand was enough for me to awaken my blood, my heart pumping me life once more.

Catching my reflection in the glass wall of the hotel, I raked my windblown hair at once and then straightened up my bow tie. I never felt a black suit would ever feel this comfortable and agreeable to me. My whole body tingled as I caught sight of Bella emerging from the sliding doors of the building, her cream skin stark against her black dress flapping wildly from the gust of wind and her black shawl joined locks of her hair teasing her face. I didn't fail to notice her once pretty innocent face years ago was now more than beaming and utterly beautiful and adorable, the product of maturity.

I took a sharp intake of air as I walked toward her; a very happy smile seemed to have lingered in my face, my eyes almost watery, I am overwhelmed, it's Christmas and for years I have never felt this happy.

"Hey," I said, my soft voice almost lost in the wind. I immediately took her hand resting on her front clasping her purse to cave inside my palm. She in turn squeezed my hand making me tighten my clasp on her hand as I usher her to the passenger door.

I have had reserved a table in an upscale restaurant just near the Vatican City in desperate search for privacy, there's not much privacy in the streets of Rome. We talked almost nonsensical the entire meal, enjoying a sumptuous Christmas dinner. Half of the time I was laughing at her stories, as my eyes flickered on her happy face, that she occasionally hid from my stares. She talked about Alice and Jasper and how they ended up together, now raising a witty yet sweet little boy they named after Jasper. I wanted to tell her I knew those things, Jasper have always communicated to me about the things that had been going through his life, with the occasional stories about Bella when she visits his family, but I tried so hard to refrain from saying anything that might spoil the night.

The meal had ended, and as the waiter picked up the last of the plates in our table leaving only the tall glasses of red wine we were consuming, I slid my hand on the red table cloth toward her hand that was absently playing the base of her wine glass. Her lips curled into a shy smile, with her eyes shyly dropping away from my gaze.

There was a big lump forming in my throat, my chest felt heavy and I could feel the electricity traveling from her touch to all the cells in my body, waking them up. "What happened to you?" I murmured not removing my eyes on her face.

Without her shawl draped on her shoulders, I could see in my periphery that she was heaving for air, and as I felt her hand tightened inside my palm, she gazed back at me, her face started to paint sadness. "I…tried to live," she said pausing for a while, her lips moving with silent words. I could feel my eyes tightened together realizing she was trying to edit her words. "I was…" she trailed.

"Bella," my voice came out raspy, pulling her hand slightly, "tell me," I urged trying to get hold of her gaze. "I want to know what happened to you."

There was an awful lot of seconds of silence, with Bella staring blankly at me, as she gathered her thoughts, and when she finally spoke, my throat started to get dry, itching, aching.

"I tried to live without you. I knew I was late to realize that letting you go to priesthood wasn't what I wanted, but I tried to stop you, I know I did. When you left Caceres--," she paused fluttering her eyes, her nose flaring, she was trying not to cry, "I thought I will never be able to go back where I started. Seeing your school everyday…seeing your very window every morning…I mean, I don't know how I managed to finish college. I wanted to stop studying, or to transfer the least, but…your memories are all that was left with me. I lived each day sharpening my memory of your image, the ones that were left in my consciousness…And now, here I am in front of you, holding your hand." She said, a small smile crawling on her lips.

"I got back with Mike," she added hastily before I could speak a word, making me almost choke on my tongue. She apparently saw me stunned with her words, and as she yanked my hand toward her with a teasing smile, she muttered, "that guy probably loves me just like you did, he took care of me," a tinge of sadness whiffed on her face but was erased just as fast, "…while I nurse my broken heart."

She took my hand closer to her; I had to put my elbows on top of the round table as she trapped my hand inside both her hands, "I never thought I will ever be able to hold these again."

I stood up, striding toward her, lifting her up through her waist, and now as I gaze on her eyes, just a few inches away from mine, "I never stopped loving you," I said with my faltering voice. Pulling her waist closer to me, her body on mine, I ran my finger on her face, tracing her eyelids down to her nose and then my thumb on the corners of her lips. "I always dreamed about you, everything about you made me want to see another day."

Clasping my fingers on the nape of her neck, I planted a wet passionate kiss on her lips, staying there for the longest time, feeling the love that was overflowing on both of us, until we needed air.

I pulled her down to my lap as I sat on her chair, her arms propped on my shoulders, one of her hand playing with my hair at the base of my neck. "Jasper told me I was a fool for letting you rid of me, but I stood by what I believed you wanted me to be. At first I was happy…well not really happy, but you can say, getting by each day thinking you are probably happy with your life, husband…children. But as days go by, your memory became blurry and I became desperate. One day, I found myself struggling for that inner strength that had usually helped me through tough moments like those, and I knew, the wall I have built to protect myself from ever thinking I don't belong to priesthood was already crumbling down. I went out of the church, after only two years of serving. I work in the church still though, but nothing of the usual work...service, I thought I wanted to do."

Bella's eyes were focused on my lips as I began recalling the defining moments of my life, while my hand grazed on her forearm, my eyes unmoving on its focus on her face.

"I heard so much about you," I said with a choking sound. She immediately moved her gaze from my lips to my eyes, confusion on them. I lightly chuckled, "don't be mad on Jasper…I told him not to tell you, I really don't want to…mess up your life, considering he said you already have a boyfriend…Mike."

She pursed her lips, an expression painted in her face, something childish I recognized from when she was younger, "they could have at least told me," she said with a voice tainted with hurt.

I immediately brushed my fingers on her cheeks, making her gaze back on me, "I wanted fate to bring you back to me," I whispered, something inside me slammed the walls of my chest, "years ago, I played God, trying to keep you to myself, but God has His own plans for us…and I have…put our future on His hands, surrendering every hurt and hope I have left inside of me."

Bella's tears began falling on her cheeks, and as my finger frantically tried to catch every tear, my throat tried helplessly not to falter as I spoke again, "I love you Bella…from the day I first met you, through the day I left you lying in the hospital…until now, now that you were back in my arms…" and as I say those words, my hands have clasped the either side of her face, trapping her lips in a fervent kiss, I never want to let go.

* * *

My room was lit only by the lampshade beside the bed, and even the subtle light can only create faint shadows in the wall, I can clearly see Bella in the blanket of yellowish glow. My hands glide down from her neck down to her shoulders until I have freed her body of her black gown with only her panty left hanging on her tiny waist. My whole body seemed to spasm as I ran my palms on her soft skin going down to her hips until the band of her lacy undergarment. Bella had already removed most of my clothing on our way to my room, and the only thing refusing my penis to jump out is the pair of black pants that Bella wasn't able to unzip from tripping several times on my scattered pieces of clothing in the floor.

I feasted my eyes on her creamy skin, contrasting on the darkly lit room, her bosoms were still how I remembered them, fitting perfectly on both my palms as I gingerly held them groping, mashing, playing her nipples with my thumb. Bella's head tilted backward, her hair thrashing on her shoulders, as she glided her hands on my chest down to my navel, resting one hand on my stomach as the other snaked inside my pants down to the cheek of my butt.

"Edward," she moaned, the sound of her voice traveled inside my heated body as I kissed her neck, tracing circles with my tongue down to her breasts. I missed the way she called my name.

The room was quiet, and if not for the loud sighs and moans coming from both of us, I would think I am just in yet another dream. I lowered Bella in the edge of my bed, pinning her now naked limbs with my half clothed body. I was busy reuniting my lips with every skin my tongue could have contact with, savoring the scent and the taste of her supple skin, until I ended up in her belly button. She was already arching her back, the muscles in her stomach were all flexed, her hands grasping my hair tightly.

"Edward…" She moaned again.

I held both her ankles propping it up on top of the bed as I eased down to the floor, kneeling, my fingers excitedly grazed on her most private part, my thumb partially dipping inside of it.

Bella moaned even louder as I began swirling my tongue on her gift, I could feel my jaws gnawing while my eyes retracted inside my head. Damn I was so aroused, silently saying kudos to myself for jerking up before the dinner, because if not I could have come right here, right now without her even touching me yet. I missed Bella…and I miss being intimate with her too.

She was apparently overwhelmed with _my presence_ too, because just a few moments of me playing on her entrance, she was already gushing water, my head screaming in pain from her tight pulling of my hair. Oh pain has never felt this good.

She hastily went up, almost kicking me in my face; her fingers clawed in my shoulders as she pulled me up and then pushed me to bed. Almost growling, Bella impatiently unbuttoned and unzipped my pants, my briefs flying in the void space afterward.

I could hear her gasp as my penis flung in the air, free at last from the restraining garments, it felt throbbing. All the muscles seemed to be connected with my damned penis, because the moment Bella wrapped her hands on it, I felt like I was electrocuted, my whole body stiffened and a raging wave shocked my whole body. It has just been a few in and out movements in her slick mouth, her hand staying in the base of my penis, but my voice, wild, crazy and almost high pitched was already echoing inside my room, if this doesn't end right this moment, I am going to ejaculate right into her mouth.

"Bella…" I managed to speak straightly amid the unintelligible gurgling of words, but she seemed to not to hear it, or if she did, she probably thought I was having some kind of ecstasy. Well I have, I am in ecstasy, deep and profound euphoria, but I don't want to come yet. I know I was half screaming already, I really don't know where to bury my fingers anymore, jumping from her messy hair to the bed sheets to my hair and then back to her. I am going insane. Fuck.

"Fuck Bella!" I cried, forcibly sitting up, my hands wrapped tightly on her armpit, pulling her up and away from my convulsing penis.

I thought I have hurt her from my callous handling of her tiny body, but her eyes were closed, her hands traveling on the space between us blindly making their way on my shoulders to wrap me on her arms. "Edward…"

Pulling her up and then down to me, my penis came in contact with her wet entrance, making it whirl more in excitement. Bella lead my body to fall down on the bed, and as both her hands gripped my chest, she let her womanhood guided by her instinct slid on my erected penis, in just one sharp movement. I thought it was the end of the world, it stopped.

"Ohh…" I heard myself loudly moan, almost gibberish, funny, stupid sounding. I couldn't even hear Bella's.

She pulled herself up, and then down again, I could feel every part of her wall welcomed me inside of her. And as she found her rhythm shoving my manhood inside of her, my fingers clawed on her butt, guiding her every movement. I wanted to impede my raging sperm from coming out so I tried to think of something rather than what I was currently thinking. I found myself reliving that day in the flower garden back in the hacienda where we made love not minding anything or anyone at all. But Bella's tight yet rightly lubricated passage isn't going to let me have a party longer inside her. And so I let go; spurting all my enthusiasm, covered with all my love, inside of her, my fingers tightly holding her buttocks down to me.

She lay down beside me, a smile was on her lips as we gaze on each other, naked limbs twined with each others'. "I love you so much…I never stopped loving you," I murmured, easing her hair away from her face and then later wiping the beads of sweat on her nose.

"Neither did I Edward, you were always in my mind."

"You belong to me, and I belong to you. We've come a long way, turned our backs on our love for each other, but God made us find the way to each other again." I said, playing my thumb on her wet lips.

"Edward," Bella whispered, holding the hand that was grazing on her lips, and by the tone of her voice, I knew she was about to make our conversation more serious than it already is. "I went to Vatican to find you…I wanted to confess. I wanted to at least tell you the things that had happened. But I was not expecting you…you will be here to accept me with open arms…all free and available..."

I huffed, making her stop short, "Are you and Mike still together? I mean...because…It will--,"

"No, silly…" she said jerking her hand away from clasping my hand. "Why, are you going to let go of me if we're still—,"

"No silly…" I copied her words, but this time I pulled her hand back to mine, inching even closer to her, "And even if you are still with him, I will go with you in your town to claim you from him…you are mine."

Our argument was drowned easily by the passionate kiss she gave me that later I found myself pulling her tiny body to mine, trapping it between my legs, her very skin burned hot into mine.

But she pulled from the kiss, her thumb replacing her sweet lips on top of my hungry lips, "let me finish, I've been cooking this for years," she said.

Sighing, I rested my hand on her cheek, four of my fingers playing behind her head. It took her a moment to find the right words to say, still making that lip thing that I already knew she was about to say something she really have thought about.

But it wasn't what I was expecting.

"I was pregnant," she sighed, her whispered words were almost inaudible yet it rung painfully in my ears. My hand on her face fell limply on the side of her head. She paused, her eyes, its twinkle visible from the faint light followed my falling hand, and she looked wary. But nonetheless, after a heave of sigh, she proceeded. "It was an ectopic pregnancy…and at that moment…I felt so weak and hopeless that God had finally given us the sign we never belonged to each other." Bella's voice started to falter, her whole body trembling from my embrace.

I was for a moment stunned of what I heard and as I much as I hated to do, I scooted away from her, absentmindedly sitting with my head resting on the headboard. I didn't hear Bella say another word because if she did say another word, my mind was already traveling to that fateful night I saw her lying in her hospital bed, her head tilted away from me, asking me to go away, telling me she doesn't love me. For a moment, my heart was full of grief and anger. Grief that I impregnated her but lost the baby and anger because all those years I believed there was never a strong reason for Bella to turn her back away from me—

"Edward…please…" Bella murmured. She had seated herself beside me, her face inches away from me. "I am so sorry for all the things that I have caused you. I was afraid…I was so afraid I will be choosing the wrong decision…" she sobbed, "…it was too late when I realized I have actually chosen the wrong decision…"

And then she wept. My bed shook from her frantic sobbing, her face hidden from both her hands. My heart broke even more seeing Bella cried her heart out, alternating 'sorry' and 'I love you so much' between her audible cries.

And who am I to refuse the love of my life? I love Bella. I adore her from head to toe, and every suffering we have been through was just to lead us to where we are right now, beside each other.

I immediately pulled her to my tight embrace making her cry even louder. My other hand raked her hair way from her face, trying to look passed that tear stricken sultry eyes, but she kept on hiding her face on my shoulders, her warm tears trailing down my back.

"I love you Edward…I am so sorry…"

"Hsshhh," I hushed running my fingers on her back, it usually calms her, back then. "Don't be sorry…I am not mad…" I muttered.

"No…you have to be mad at me…"

I chuckled, my girlfriend hasn't changed much. "No, I won't. You did what you think were right and I have no right to judge you with your decision." I said, finally able to forcefully pull her away from my already soaking shoulders, and as I stare on her teary eyes, I swear all her love seemingly jumped out of them, I muttered, "you are the love of my life, we belong to each other, we are here together for a reason…and I am not going to let you get rid of me…no matter what. And this time I will never let go,"

I kissed her for a moment and then pulled her down to the bed, with me on top of her, my legs prompting her legs to stay apart, claiming that space in the middle of her thighs mine, "and besides…I can make you as many babies as you want," I said growling, shoving my penis forcibly right into her wet slit eliciting a loud moan from her with raspy voice.

"Fuck me…" she said her fingers scraping on my already sweaty back, "fuck me all you want tonight…I am yours…forever."

Tears fell down my cheeks as I pulled my length in and out of her womanhood, lost in euphoria of my carnal call yet amidst all the fluttering pixies inside my head, what dominated was my overwhelming emotions of gratitude to God that our struggle to be together was finally over.

Loud moans filled my room, the air smelled of perfume and sweat; the yellow hue swirled like a roller coaster in a loop…angels and fairies fluttered their wings, singing sweet hum of happiness. I came.

And with that tiny speck of time I was ejaculating inside of her, my eyes were pressed shut, seeing a vision of the not so distant future, my bride walking in the aisle surrounded by all the flowers of different colors, all I could hear myself saying was, "I love you Bella…I am yours, forever."

I am so close to my happy ending.

* * *

A/N

Love that is meant to be will find its way even through a maze of thorny shroud. But it's not the end that always matter, we learn from all the cuts and bruises these thorns of life has given us, making us stronger.

Folks…it is the end once again, thank you for staying with me in yet another story I have written inspired of course by my love for Edward…and Bella and Alice. And just like Bella and Edward, they never stopped loving each other…and I have to thank you for not stopping loving me either…or my story at least. I owe my strength and will to write from you and though along the way I got scathed by sarcastically opinionated readers, it didn't matter in the end, because I won, I finished writing the story in my head, and those cuts will make me stronger…for when its time again to share something in my mind.

I will never forget all of you. Thank you for sharing me and my passions with this story so close to my heart.

I heart you all. Roses for you, keep them safe.

**

* * *

NOTA BENE**

For disclaimer and author's basic note, please see PREFACE in the first page. Thank you.


End file.
